A
male
age
41-50,
*inho
writes:I've been dating my girlfriend for 5 years. Unfortunately, try as I might, I haven't found her sexually attractive for some time. We have marriage plans, and I'm sure she would be a good life partner, mother, etc., but I don't know if this can work out given my lack of sexual feelings for her. The main problem is that my number one physical attraction in women is legs, and my girlfriend doesn't have very good legs. Sometimes I feel that if I dated a girl with nice legs, everything would be perfect - but surely this wouldn't be the case? In short, I don't want to lose her, but I don't know if we can be happy without sexual attraction.Any advice greatly appreciated. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 September 2011):
 so what's changed in the recent past that all of a sudden legs that were acceptable 5 years ago are no longer acceptable?
if you dated a girl with nice legs it would not fix the problems.. you would have a girl with nice legs but she might have bad teeth or lousy hair or be STUPID.
looks fade... personality grows. interpersonal skills mature... not all of us can be Betty Grable.
if she WAS pretty to you and WAS attractive to you and NOW it's no longer that way then you need to look at WHAT CHANGED and WHY?
someone with great legs is not going to fix your inner lack of satisfaction.
A
female
reader, cheers  +, writes (12 September 2011):
 Wow,you really hv fantasy.
How about invite her to Slimming centre? They can fix this problems: flat tummy,slender legs and thigh,etc.
Point is not to offend her appearances/feelings but to put things "Beautiful" in your prespective. Explain it calmly & clearly. Listen to her voices &respect her decision as well. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Thelaird1 +, writes (12 September 2011):
 So if you are not attracted to her legs, what attracted you to her in the first place? I feel that you have lost the sense of what made you fall in love with this woman initially. I'm sure there are things about you that she isn't attracted to, but her love for you makes everything else meaningless.I feel that your love and attraction has diminished over time and maybe someone along the line has turned your head, making you more aware of things you find unattractive about her.Believe me, this girl will begin to feel insecure and maybe eventually fall for another man who sees her as something much more than just a pair of legs. Then you will realise you let go of something very special and regret it, possibly for the rest of your life. I am not perfect by any means and don't have a particularly great body. But if my partner told me that she wanted to split with me, because she didn't like my hair, nose, legs, eyes, feet, arms or whatever, then I would just end the relationship there and then, because I would deserve much more than someone so shallow. You have obviously forgotten what attracted you to this woman and my advice to you BOTH is to rediscover each other. Put the wedding plans on hold and realise what you are about to lose.Maybe you will surprise yourself and find yourself head over heels with this woman and find every inch of her attractive once more.I wish you both the very best of luck
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (12 September 2011):
 I doubt you are dismissing the relationship after five years because of her legs. That would be shallow.
Instead, I think you are looking the future of this relationship and not seeing yourself in the picture.
I suspect you are looking for the escape hatch to the impending marriage because it scares you. It just is not right to put the cause/blame on her after all these years.
If you truly believe that dating someone who is more attractive and leggy-then you are putting the wrong emphasis on a committed relationship. A relationship is not about parts-it is about the WHOLE of the person.
Should there be sexual attraction? Yes! But, you have been with this woman for 5 years and she is now living that you accept her for all that she is, flaws and all.
Examine why you do not want to lose her. Your heart might not be in the right place regarding marriage with her. If it is not, find kindness for HER life and let her go to heal and eventually pursue another relationship.
If you are genuinely not sexually attracted to her; getting married to her will not improove your feelings. They will only get worse and you will be ripe for a marriage that has the potential for affairs because your fire is not being lit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2011): Hmmm, this is difficult. Usually I would say give it some time and hopefully the person would grow on you and all the good things about her would replace the negative. but you've already mentioned its been 5 years already. So that is telling me that this may be something that isn't going to change for you or may take a longer time, that's number one. Number two is when you first met her and you clearly realized she weren't sexually attractive to you what made u keep going or not end it if u knew your feelings may not change now your in a real predicitment. Now its time to weigh out your options. What other things do u find that are attractive about her? What ever problem she has with her legs is it fixable? is there anything else she can do to make up for what you don't like? Those are things you can ask yourself. The big question is are u gonna stay or leave? If your gonna stay then there's really no use in complaining in the first place. I know u feel like you don't want to leave a good woman for something trivial or stay and have an unsasitified relationship. I guess the best thing to do is to evaluate and try to fix and think positive only if you are going to stay. I understand you because iam also big on physical and sexual attraction myself but I still know it isn't everything that's why I personally don't get involved if I'm not fully attracted or if I know the person can't grow on me. Even though looks aren't everything they can play a role but if u can find constructive ways to overcome it without cheating on her that b great. I have a daughter that was born with a partial arm due to a tissue band and she's beautiful smart and a beautiful personality I would hope that she still finds love despite her flaw and someone would look within and not without which I know she would, that's the most important thing. Goodluck on your decision making
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (12 September 2011):
 Hi,
I agree with some of the responses here, after 5 years, only now you see & decide you are not attracted to your girlfriend because she doesn't have nice legs? If you have doubts now, getting married won't solve your girlfriends legs issues, it will only get worst, because getting married takes a lot of responsabilities, even people that are madly in love, can't take their hands off each other, people say with the marriage the sex decrease, which is only normal.
Do your girlfriend a favor, let her free so she can find someone that truly deserves her, and will love her legs. She has already given 5 years of her life to you, pls save the time, energy, be fair to this kind woman.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2011): I think you should let her go for her own sake. If she is such a remarkable woman as you describe minus her legs then I'm pretty sure there are a lot of other men that would love to be her white knight. She deserves better. If this is your concern today I can't imagine what else may arrive in five more years. Take a long hike. A relationship is about work and negotiations. I say leave her bc unlike her character qualities that may change at will physical features are not in our power to naturally change. If she was mean, or talkative she could work on that. But ur problem is her legs, and I'm pretty sure you saw her legs a long time ago. Really let her be at peace.....and hopefully u will be okay too.
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A
female
reader, Mariab +, writes (12 September 2011):
 You are only noticing her legs after 5 years!! A bit unfair to say the least....
I think that you are simply looking for reasons why she is not the most suitable partner for you. You mentioned she will not be a good mother... is this because she doesn't have nice legs.... No sense here.
If you love her, accept her as she is and if you no longer want to be with her... let her go and give her a chance to find someone that loves her as she is...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2011): With respect, i think you are being a little selfish. Securing her because she would make a good life partner and mother is not the best reason to marry her. And will only lead to misery if you don't find her sexually attractive. You have spent 5 years with her. And if during that time, your desire for her has diminished then i think you are both on a 'hiding to nothing' by staying together. By now physical appearances should be less important and sexual desire, mutual. Which it clearly is not.
Starting to wonder about a relationship with a woman who has 'better' legs shows how this issue is affecting you already and you aren't even married yet.
I think you should release this woman so that she has a chance of finding someone who will love her and find her unconditionally desirable. Because trust me, there will be someone for her. And then you would be free to try out your theory that you might be happier with someone with 'better' legs.
It is your lack of self confidence which is making you hold on to someone who you don't fancy. That can only lead to unhappiness for both of you, should you marry her. Because your lack of desire WILL eventually cause big problems.
So find the courage to talk to her and explain how you feel. If she is willing to change certain aspects of herself to please you and it works...all well and good. But whatever happens, she has a right to know that there is no desire for her BEFORE she marries you. This is after all, her relationship too. She should be given the opportunity to either attempt some changes or leave before it is too late and she finds herself in an unhappy marriage with someone who doesn't 'want' her. That would only serve to destroy her self confidence and leave her feeling trapped.
It would be a cruel thing to do to her and i am sure the girl deserves better. So be honest with her and avoid making an awful mistake by marrying her, when you just don't fancy her.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (12 September 2011):
You're not going to wake up one day and suddenly find her attractive, being attracted to your partner is one of the most important parts of having a healthy, long-term relationship. It would be easy to ignore this problem and continue your marriage to her, but you will always feel something is missing and it will, ultimately, end badly. No matter how much you love her, she will not be able to give you what you want.
If you are really sure you are not attracted to her, you need to do the decent thing and let her go, and allow her to find someone who does want to be that guy in her life.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 September 2011):
 A few things first. You'll have to give up this idea of yours that "if only she had better legs" etc. That's just something you're telling yourself.
You've been with her for 5 years! Thats a lot! 5 years might not sound like a lot in the big picture where everyone thinks they'll live to 100, but still. I think 5 years is a good chunk of time to spend with someone. Only in the later part, you didn't mention how long, did you start to find her less physically attractive.
This tells you one crucial thing: that her legs aren't he problem. Her legs were good enough when you dated her, and they were good enough to last you some years.
Another thing: there is no such thing as a "perfect" person. There is no such woman like your girlfriend, only with better legs. There are women with perfect legs, and less harmonic personalities. The "full package" arrives when you are in love with someone. The chemicals make you see pink and the person is beyond any flaw. But in reality? No such thing as a perfect person.
Now, you said you can not marry someone without there being physical attraction. I agree, you certainly should not. But it is odd how you went from saying only the legs are the problem, to saying you aren't physically attracted to her as a whole. It's OK to not be physically attracted to every tiny bit of skin on your partner, it's OK to not want to lick them upside down and inside out. If you find parts of her repulsive, ok, that's a different problem, but if you are attracted to her, thinks she is beautiful, then the total package of her is worth it, don't you think?
I like mens butts. I love a firm touch on the males. The man I love, he's got a bigger butt than what I'm attracted to. There are men out there with nicer butts. But that is something I can say only if I isolate the butt from the body and the person. And in reality, you can't isolate a person body part. They are part of the person, part of who they are. You have to accept a person as a whole, you know. You can't pick at details. I love him for who he is, and when he comes with the butt he comes with then that's what I'll take. He's got plenty of other things to get me excited about.
I think you're nervous of getting married. It's a big step. And you want to make sure you're making the right choice for yourself, and for her as well. So you're tracking down every little insecurity you have about this relationship, to check if it will last, to try and foresee any future problems.
Your sexual attraction to her isn't tied to her legs. And I'll prove this to you. You love her, right? Imagine you married her. Imagine there was a car accident, she ended up in hospital. You'd be worried sick for her. The doctors need to amputate her legs. What now? You divorce because your number one sexual attraction is legs, and since she doesn't have them you can't ever find her physically attractive again?
Think about it, and see if it changes your perspective. What would you advise someone in your own situation?
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A
male
reader, aebniala  +, writes (12 September 2011):
You could look at all the legs you want and not have a gosth of a chance of getting out with them.You can still look at the dessert list and dont touch. Have her wear high heal stiletti shoes and boot, short dress that will make her look tall, Use your imagination.
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