A
female
age
41-50,
*ernergirl
writes:Ok so short story long... My ex of 5 years left me for his mistress, but when I ask for counseling from my friends all the guys say the same thing....they all say (along the lines of) he was always going to leave. But up until the day I caught him he was telling me he loved me and things will be ok, having my niece and nephews call him "uncle", getting them presents and was planning on the next weekend going to the theatre with my entire family. So what does that mean he was always going to leave??? (Please explain kindly...it still hurts, but I need to know the truth)
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female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (11 December 2010):
 What you are wanting is closure and the explanation for a failed relationship tied up in a neat package with a bow. Unfortunately, even when we get the chance to talk with the other person the real reasons are sometimes/often masked in order that they don't hurt you.
To be in a relationship you have to realize that you are putting your heart out there and sometimes you get hurt and sometimes you do the hurting (which hurts too.) Sometimes even when relationships are good they do not work due to timing, mistakes, or simply they just run out of steam. Partners think they can do better, they cheat, they lie-even to themselves.
I imagine your ex wanted the relationship to work. In his head he wanted the kids, the house, etc. But it was what was in his heart that caused actions that were not consistent in his head.
For you, none of this helps to give you the answers. You need to accept that the relationship didn't work and in time you will move on. The hardest part is that you have to let go of all of this hurt and wonder what if. You did nothing wrong.
Going forward, be yourself, have your needs met and if they are not met, move on. Realize your partner will do the same. Don't let this relationship taint the next one or the one after that.
I am sorry you are hurting so bad but know every day that goes forward will get easier. Take care of yourself.
A
female
reader, bernergirl +, writes (9 December 2010):
bernergirl is verified as being by the original poster of the question @ Metalhead Mom no particular reason. Except I keep replaying things in my mind. If I could have seen it before it happened We never really fought, we would disagree, we would tease one another, always said I love you. So when people ask what happened and I tell them, my guy friends say..he was always going to leave. Well then why were we figuring out baby names and going house hunting it just doesn't make any sense. I don't need every piece to be explained but I need to learn if I did something wrong.
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A
female
reader, metalheadmom +, writes (9 December 2010):
 Why are you thinking about any of this now?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): First off, they don't know anything. Keep that in mind. Even if they were talking to him, they probably don't know crap about his motivations, etc.
"counseling from my friends"
Not a good source for marital counseling, you need to get a professional who can help you understand this better.
Friends have loaded relationships with us, they can give us awful advice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): We guys know guys. We can see a mile off what a guy is like, whether he's a good committed person or a rolling stone. Plus it can be easy to see those things when you're not directly involved. But it's mostly because we just know. I mean you must know girls that just aren't into commitment but act very committed when in a relationship but have no intention of actually staying for long.
You see we can just tell from looking at the way a guy behaves or from hearing stories about that guy. Plus because we too are guys we know all the little intricate signs all the clues, we can see them all.
The biggest clue though is the cheating, once a guy cheats then the girl he cheats on just isn't enough for him and he'll either walk all over her or leave her.
He didn't fight to stay with you, he just told you he did, he just acted like that to keep you sweet and keep his options open in case this other girl rejected him. You see for a lot of guys it's much easier to find the one you want when you have a warm body to go home to each night, a woman already there to satisfy your needs. You can then relax and go out and find an upgrade. All you have to do is talk and act lie the perfect boyfriend for a while and then when you find someone you like better and she's willing to have you, you leave. Not nice but he couldn't do that if people didn't let him. I know a few guys like that and in all other respects they're nice guys. They just don't have a problem doing that which is a pity because they always seem to hurt women.
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A
female
reader, bernergirl +, writes (5 December 2010):
bernergirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDo you think at all it could have been situational. He had lost his house in foreclosure and was miserable in his job so he asked for a transfer and when it came through, he needed a place to stay (no credit to get a new place, job was only for a couple of years in a different state) so he shacked up with her?
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A
female
reader, bernergirl +, writes (5 December 2010):
bernergirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the feed back. I will say that my family had met him but all my guy friends that have said that I met afterwards (so they never saw us together) or it was male friends from college or high school. It just struck me as really weird because when I would tell them what happened I would ask what I did wrong and there response was...."He was always going to leave" ...I guess I am just trying to understand if he was always going to leave then why did he fight to stay with me?
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (5 December 2010):
Your friends must have sensed or knew something about him that they did not tell you while you were in a relationship. Have you ever heard people who discover something about their partner saying "I was the last to know."
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 December 2010):
 Maybe your friends, not being emotionally involved with him, could observe your situation with a more detached eye and see not only the positive but also the negative.
While a woman in love,instead, always tends to make the scales slide on the positive side : she practices selective attention. For 1 "I love you " she pays attention to, she will dismiss the next 5 times in which he is cold or rude or inconsiderate etc.
Or they mean that - the effects shows the causes . If he could have a mistress, and he was gonna keep having her if you had not caught him, then his love was not so sincere from the start.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): I would say that until you caught him out he was living two lives and as long as that was possible, he continued to do it. Once it was in the open, he had to make a choice and you lost him. I know it is possible for some people to have a partner and mistress (or another man in the other case) for years without detection. Some people seem able to 'compartment' their lives. He no doubt loved you but was torn, and in the end drawn to his mistress more strongly. When the chips were down he chose her. I hope that doesn't sound cruel. All very sad but it happens.
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