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female
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anonymous
writes: I work as a carer for a 90 year old man in his home. We have, over time, formed a special bond and are in love. He wants to get married but I can't face telling my family as I recently confided in a friend who said the relationship was 'sick' and now refuses to speak to me. I couldn't face my family doing the same thing but I know this man makes me happy.What should I do? I am 22. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, moomoomoo  +, writes (14 August 2005):
 In my opinion, i think you would feel a lot better in the future if you just think of him as a friend and not a lover. I bet that in the future, many years later, you will laugh at yourself. Trust me, you will want someone close to your age. there is just too much difference here.
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female
reader, charliesgirl +, writes (10 August 2005):
I can completely understand how you have created a bond with this man. You have a relationship where you are mutually dependent upon each other, he for the physical care you provide him with, and yourself for your emotional needs. It is perfectly natural to want to feel needed by another human being. However, the relationship between carer and patient is not to be confused with romantic love.
Sadly, I think that this relationship is unnatural. Age gap relationships can work, but your ages, physical abilities and long term goals and desires are absolutely worlds apart. Have you truly considered all the implications of entering a loving "relationship" with this man? You almost certainly wouldn't be able to have children together, even if you could how would they feel losing their father at such a young age? How would you feel going out in public together, attracting stares? What will you actually gain from this union? How would your respective families deal with this? If you cannot confide in your family about this, then you are certainly not mature enough to make a decision as enormous and as life-changing as marriage. I certainly could not have imagined making a decision about marriage at the age of 22.
A good family and good friends will always look out for our best interests. Your friend's reaction to your confession, and your anticipation of your family's reaction are incredibly telling. It is a close one's duty to protect those we care about and try to give them good advice.
Of course, you are a fully grown adult woman and are completely entitled to make your own decisions about how and with whom you spend your life, but I would advise extreme caution against making any life impacting decisions at this stage. I am in no way implying that you are immature, but our personalities, desires and needs change so dramatically, especially during our twenties and thirties. You have a full lifetime of experiences in front of you. Don't waste it.
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reader, wwww.datinghaven.com +, writes (10 August 2005):
you already have a relationship, just not as of a bf/gf one, you should keep the relationship with him you got now, and find someone a bit younger!! or a lot younger!
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reader, becky05 +, writes (10 August 2005):
If you wish to get married to him, then there is nothing that anyone can do to stop you.
However, have you really thought it through? Relationships between nurses and patients are not allowed-even if you are caring for them in their own home.
Do you really want a husband that ypou have to care for and who can give little in return?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2005): Although your situation is highly unusual..you are both adults and if you love him...then go for it. There will be huge challenges along the way and I think you know what they are. He's rather aged, but if you are caring for him now..then you fully understand his health is risky and he may not live very long. If he has adult children, they may object to you and really question your motives. It will be a spiritual, emotional relationship, only-will you be happy with that? But the bottom line is: No matter how you think you can your bf may handle any situation, you will always run into someone, like your friend, who will push your buttons. Your relationship will survive to the extent you are able to handle these situations, and remain confident in yourself and each other.
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