A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm worried about a guy friend as he's got himself involved with a girl who is bad news.Hes started distancing himself from everyone who's warning him and is distancing himself from close friends She's a complete bitch sorry to say - take a money from him, insults him. They have split 3 times but she's reunited with him conveniently for christmas I know people will say he's a grown man etc but me and my friends know he's has self esteem issues and this madam is taking advantage He won't listen to anyone so not sure what to do />Any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2019): Just an update
Now it's got even worse
People are saying she's now got her claws so deep into him he's proposed to her !
Think this is hopeless
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 December 2018):
 PS. The worst you can do is actually telling him to leave her. Because then he loses his pride if he actually leaves her; it will just be him doing whatever you say, making him your puppy on a leash. And what man wants to be that?
If you tell him to leave her, he will probably stay with her just to spite you. So you're not doing anyone any favours by meddling.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (28 December 2018):
Oh, you don't want him to take orders from the "bitch", but you and your friends are happy to command him what to do with his life?
How do you ever expect him to grow a backbone and independence and self worth if all his friends come "to the rescue" whenever he makes a decision they dont agree with?
I say back off. Yes, he is a grown man. So let him be taken advantage of, if thats what he wants. He's not a 5 year old, you can't put a helmet on him so he wont hurt himself. You need to let him live his life. Please, back off. No wonder he stops talking to his "friends" when all they do is try to control his life.
You trying to control him, or this bitch, to him it's all the same: Other people trying to control his life. At least with the bitch, he probably gets sex. From his friends he just gets unwanted advice.
This is what a good friend does in this situation: Tell him you're there for him if he needs help with anything. If he reaches out and asks advice, then offer it. If he doesn't reach out, then keep it to yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2018): He has to get his heart broken. You can't tell a foolish-heart what to do.
Some people turn totally stupid when they think they're in-love.
The one who has the most influence over their thinking and behavior is their love-interest. Not their concerned friends or family. They isolate themselves to avoid advice or intervention. A bad boyfriend or terrible girlfriend is like a narcotic or addictive drug. The terrible side-effects won't stop the addiction and continued abuse of the love-drug.
Be supportive, but stay out of his business. The more you interfere, the more he will pull-away. It's usually sex, and not love, when people allow themselves to be used and abused. In spite of the fact that it is obvious to everyone around them, they're in trouble.
He's thinking with his penis; and no advice matters right-now.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (24 December 2018):
 Guy friend or girl friend, your all adults. He will do what he wants and you can either be there if it goes wrong or not be there. Either way, drop it or you’ll find yourself kicked out of his life before her.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (24 December 2018):
 In my culture there's a saying that goes, you can wake someone who's sleeping but you can't ever awaken someone who's pretending to sleep.
Your friend knows exactly what is happening and chooses to go along with it. It's his choice. Why are you feeling bad for him? He's happy with the way things are or he would have ended it himself!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2018): OP, the answer is simple. He is having great sex with this woman. And that is good enough for your friend. It makes him blind to all else. Give him time. Once the sex glow wears off (it will) all her ugliness will stare him straight in the face.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (24 December 2018):
 This is one of the those times where all you can do is be there if things fall apart and he needs a friend. You can try all you want to talk to him but he apparently is in love. Love blinds you and he is seeing what he wants to see. Hopefully he will take off the rose colored glasses and see the woman for who she really is but until then, just let him know that you are there if he needs you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 December 2018):
 What exactly do you think we (total Internet strangers) can do that YOU can't?
He is a grown MAN, he is RESPONSIBLE for HIS actions and choices. And he has CHOSEN to date this woman and take her back after the various break ups.
If you have told him you feel he is making a bad choice and explained why, then there really ISN'T much else you can do.
HE has to realize this on his own and take the action to end it ON HIS OWN.
He might know she is bad news, but if he is sticking it out with her, HE is getting something out of it. Or he thinks she will "change", or that things will get better.
I know it sucks to watch a friend do stupid stuff and get hurt, but this is HIS mistake to make.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 December 2018):
 You cant help him, he has to want to get out of it himself. If you feel so inclined be there to pick up the pieces if / when it all coms crumbling down but there is nothing you can do except get on with living your own life.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 December 2018):
 The more you try to distance your friend from this woman, the more he will dig his heels in and distance himself from YOU. While I can understand your approach, it is counterproductive - as you have already learned.
I think the best thing you can do in this situation is try not to comment on her at all but make sure your friend knows he can talk to you IF he wants/needs to. When he does talk to you, try to remain neutral. Don't criticize the woman as that will only put your friend's back up. HE is allowed to moan about her but YOU are not allowed to say anything bad about her. Instead try saying things like "And how does that make you feel when she does/says that?" Let him talk. Let him know you are there for him. Apart from that, let him make his own decisions. If he knows you are there for him when needed, without being judgmental of his life choices, he is far more likely to stay in contact, keep communications ongoing with you and far more likely to eventually realize that he is worth better than this woman. He has to make that decision for himself though. You cannot control him, painful as it is to watch him going through this.
You are obviously good friends. He is lucky to have you. Try to cut him a bit of slack so that he can rely on you to be there for him without trying to make his decisions for him. Hopefully, with our support, he will eventually realize this woman is not good for him .
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (24 December 2018):
I understand your worry about your friend and it is difficult to stand by and do nothing.But no man will accept advise..on a woman they find attractive or are in-love with.So in this case....Sometimes in doing Nothing.....you are doing something.By that i mean be in the wings for your friend...when he needs you be there for him.Give this situation...TIME....because it will take time for him to see this woman as she is....as unkind and a user.But there is Only so much a man will take....and he will decide to walk away .He is very lucky to have friends that care for him.Best regards..NORA B.
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