A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Not sure what to do with my friends. We've been friends for a few years and we got on really well always having dinner together and drinks. Celebrating birthdays, Christmas's and new years together. We were really close. Then they announced they were having a baby and up until the birth everything was great. If anything we saw each other more. They even asked me to be at the birth which I wasn't allowed at because the hospital would only let one person in. But I went to a couple of midwife appointments. I tried to be as supportive as possible and Even missed a half day at work but I didn't mind. Then when the baby was born the contact suddenly became very short. No how are you or conversation outside "I'm tired" or about the baby. Again I was understanding saying take all the time you need. It's been over a month now I was the last person to see the baby and only seen him twice. The first time was arranged and then they cancelled and late the next day said it's fine to come round now. The last time I saw them i felt like I was just being humoured. I don't understand. Something has dramatically changed and I find it hard to believe that it's simply having a baby. It feels like more. But the wife doesn't even answer my messages anymore. We would talk for hours everyday for years. I find it really depressing but I keep trying to reach out and it's gotten to the stage I think they are trying to send a hint to me that they don't want to be contacted. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2018): Give it a lot more time than a month!!! Its a newborn, yes, that is the one and only reason for this. You need to give it at least 6 month before you can see the new dynamic take form. And the dynamic will change, there simple is no time anymore for hours and hours of chatting.
I also recommend you do a sleepover at their house once. That will allow you to get a better grasp of their new reality. Offer a sleepover to assist, for example to help cook and clean. That way you wont be in the way.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2018): Having a baby is a life-changing experience. There is little time left to do anything; but care for the baby, and try and steal a few naps.
Be patient and understanding. Maybe...I mean "maybe"...they will come-around once they have steady and reliable baby-sitting arrangements.
A baby in the womb isn't the same as a baby in your arms! People get all weird about public breast-feeding; and a new bundle of joy is also very high-maintenance! If you're being childish, inconsiderate, and rude; she will likely ignore your calls or messages. She has no time to come-out and play! They're parents now!
I trust that the added expense may have gobbled-up that disposable cash; once used to go out for dinner and nights-out on the town. There are prenatal and postnatal expenses that health insurance doesn't cover. Then there are baby-needs, and no one fudges or skimps on that!
You're an adult, and should understand such things. You don't have to have a child of your own to know any of this. By 30, most people are engrossed in their careers and/or family-life; they don't have that much time anymore! Hanging-out was killing free-time; which they no longer have!
Hanging-out is no longer a priority or a luxury!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (26 December 2018):
 There is no such thing as "simply having a baby". This is a MAJOR lifestyle change. Another member has been added into the family, a member who needs 24/7 care. As first time parents, they are both probably feeling completely overwhelmed by this new life they are TOTALLY responsible for.
If you value the friendship, which you obviously do, I would back off for the time being but send them a message saying how much you value the friendship, that you understand they have different priorities at the moment with the arrival of the baby, but that you want to stay friends and look forward to contact with them when things have settled. (A month is NO time at all when you are looking after a little being's every need.)
I would also offer to baby sit if they ever want to have a break and go out for a couple of hours on their own. The baby will not be a baby for long but your friendship will, with a bit of give and take, last for many years to come. Cut them a bit of slack, spend time with other friends but let them know you are happy to pick up the friendship when they have got their heads round the whole parenting circus. They need your support and understanding at this time. This is your chance to show them what a true friend you really are.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (26 December 2018):
 OP, I don't believe that your friends are trying to avoid you or shut you out. They are just plain EXHAUSTED. Your whole world changes when you have a baby, especially if its your first baby. Everything revolves around the baby. Most babies do not sleep through the night and may wake up every 2-4 hours to be fed. That right there is enough to totally throw off a person's system and you don't recuperate for a very long time. You learn to live on very sleep but you often walk around like a zombie. Then you have to factor in what if the baby has colic and cries all the time.....god help the parent that has that going on. ZERO sleep because the poor baby can't sleep. Then factor in work...
You see? Its called SHEER EXHAUSTION. Try to understand. Maybe even offer to help? That way you could see your friends, see the baby and you would be doing them a huge favor. New parents are often overwhelmed until they can get into a routine. Don't think its you, or them trying to avoid you. They are just busy and very tired.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 December 2018):
 Yep having kids changes your life, your life is tilted and turned upside down.
I didn't get more than 4 hours sleep a DAY with my first child for almost 2 years. Now IF I had been in my 20's it might not have mattered AS much but at age 30? Yeah, I was WORE out. No, I didn't want to see people. I didn't want to HAVE to do my hear get out of my PJ's, pick up the house, take care of the baby AND on top ENTERTAIN a friend or acquaintance. Nope. I wanted to JUST chill and bond with my baby. Even my husband and marriage was neglected. It took my BODY a good 4 months to FEEL sort of back to normal. But it took me almost 2 years for ME to feel like I can handle this! And then I got pregnant with #2! lol
GIVE her/them some space.
My guess is you don't have kids? Babysitting is not the same.
And don't expect your friends to want to do what you guys USED to do, their PRIORITY is now RAISING a child. A life who is TOTALLY dependent on them. It's not that you are no longer important to them, just NOT as important as a brand new baby and trying to figure this whole parent/baby thing out.
Seek out other SINGLE people without kids for socializing or perhaps some a bit older than you who'd kid is also older and thus more independent.
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