A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Cupid, my wife to be has a promiscuous past, am having second thoughts as am a virgin.am not insecure am just disgusted with how she lived her life. Should i stay or let her down gently
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male
reader, soon567  +, writes (4 September 2011):
Cindy Cares ur correct and im mistaken (sorry about that) its obviously when someone lies, withholds, or pretends than thats apart of there character. Those things develop from someone past. She knew by withholding that information that she could stand a good chance of trapping or another guy by decieving them. Their are many men that doesnt care whom or what their wives selpt in the past, but this guy does.If i was him i would let this go coz its not but hurt and pain. I never like to emotionally or physically hurt anyone. I wouldnt throw her past at her as an easy way out, yet look for a new way to let her go...that means you dont go back to her.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 September 2011):
 What do you want? You asked if you should leave her, and yes, the answer is yes. We all agree on that. There's nothing else to be said.
"Don't marry someone you can't respect", that is right to the point. Who cares if sex is better, worse, virgin or not, whatever. The pint is that she's not someone you want. And if you don't want her then why are you with her?
Go. She's not for you. Let her down gently. Don't get involved with a woman again if you do not know her.
There's always time to ask these questions, if they matter to you. There is a right time, once you start to have a relationship, once you've found out you want to get to know this person better. You're responsible for finding out the things that are important for you to know.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDECIEPT! Thats how cindy cares. She new how i was raised and what i wanted in a woman, am not looking to be number 10 or 20, you just dont wipe away your past its there always. Say we get married and we meet her old flame, am a guy i know how cocky we get when you that you have had your way with somebodys else wife. I want them guys to wonder and for me and only me to know. Theres no greater pride.Mod note: As the OP clearly isn't going to marry her, this thread is being closed. A note to some of the participants, do not target or name other aunts in a derogatory way. Please see number 6 here: http://www.dearcupid.org/pages/answer-guidelines.html )
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 September 2011):
 Soon567, the OP does not mention either in his post or in the updates that " she blabbed it over drinks". You must know stuff that I don't.
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male
reader, soon567 +, writes (3 September 2011):
Why is it so hard to understand "cindy cares". She lied to him, present a different person than whom she really is. He didnt ask her to take a virginity test, she blabbed it out over drinks. I say give her a few more drinks and get more of the truth coz the truth wont come if shes sober.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 September 2011):
A totally respectable point of view.
I'd just be curious to know, then, how come you ended up engaged ( engaged ! not just going out ) with a woman that's so distant from your ideal.
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male
reader, soon567 +, writes (3 September 2011):
I honestly believe you love her as a person and trust me youre doing the right thing here. I saw red flags and ignore them, i paid a high price in the end. Dont walk, Run from this and give her a chance to reach 30 or 35 conquest. You just dont be there to feel the pain that is sure to come.You can take a girl from the corner but you cant take the corner out of the girl!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou can make all the excuses you want, but the past reflects who we are and we have to live with the consequences of our actions. A person who wilingly slept around and got infected with herpes,HIV has to live with it though its the past. I prefer my woman a virgin,trustworthy,kind etc. I can understand mistakes that do not involve the most sensual human act, but sex involves two humans its too personal.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2011): If I eat chocolate cake every day, and my neighbor only eats it once a year, then I am willing to admit that he is probably having a more special experience when he eats it. Sex is not different. Some of you might want to believe that having casual sex does not cheapen the experience but you are kidding yourself. You need to grow up and accept the consequences of your choices, not blame someone else for their different philosophy. Living a more chaste lifestyle has some benefits as well as the obvious downsides. Only an immature person or an idiot would argue against this.
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (2 September 2011):
Sometimes I am not sure how much us aunts help the OP, lots of contradictions and philosphy! This is a complex topic, sex when you are young and unjaded builds different feelings and memories. When you have been around the block a few times its never quite like the first time, even if it feels better now. And those significant memories will always have someone else in them. So, to the OP, lose the viginity, its not such a big deal and just try to love and be with the woman you love, work only on being happy, and dont look for trouble that probably doesn't exist.
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (2 September 2011):
Ah, Yos has hit the nail on the head. Once he believed one thing, and now another. Our "beliefs" define how we value everything around us. I agree 100% with Yos but still feel sad that those with more demanding ideals have to compromise to fit in with a new reality.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (2 September 2011):
 I once believed that someone who had had casual sex was in some sense 'damaged' and could not have intimate sex. This was despite the fact that i had had some (not much) casual sex! But it's different for men... right...
Of course not. My thinking was distorted by retroactive jealousy.
Now I think of it in a different way.
I am with someone now who has plenty of casual sex. I don't know how much, and I don't care.
But the sex we have is intimate, special and wonderful. It means more to both of us than sex we have had with others before. I mean more to her than the others, and she means more to me. That's enough. It's great in fact.
In a way, the sex we had before that was not as intimate shows us how special what we have now is.
Often people have to spend time exploring their sexuality, before they learn what they really want. That doesn't make us bad people. It makes us human.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 September 2011):
I totally agree with Yos. Personally I am in favour of intimate sex, but that's my preference , not an universal law. Millions of people, at some point in life, choose to have sex for fun, curiosity, loneliness, lust , for the heck of it. That does not necessarily make them immoral, bad, shallow, flawed. It just makes them people with different ideas about sex from yours.
It's like if you are a vegetarian and decide all meat eaters are terrible,disgusting, wicked people.
If you really can't stand meat consumption, you are entitled to seek the company of other fellow vegetarians only- but not to pass trenching judgements on people who has a different life vision from yours. You are not the detentor of the ultimate wisdom on everything, and just because you think something, it does not necessarily make it universally true.
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male
reader, Yos +, writes (2 September 2011):
"Its a big deal because sex is so intimate"
That's not true.
Sex CAN be intimate. But it can also be superficial and casual.
The world is full of people having casual, superficial sex.
The reality is for most people it is possible to have both.
And this is important: because someone has had casual sex, it does not mean they cannot also have intimate, 'special' sex.
I know you do not want to believe this, or accept it. But it is true: it happens ALL the time for MANY people.
It sounds to me like it will be impossible for you to accept this with your fiancee. And also, since she lied to you about it, you have also to forgive her for this. It is probably best that you do not marry, as sad as that is.
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male
reader, Yos +, writes (2 September 2011):
"Its a big deal because sex is so intimate"
That's not true.
Sex CAN be intimate. But it can also be superficial and casual.
The world is full of people having casual, superficial sex.
The reality is for most people it is possible to have both.
And this is important: because someone has had casual sex, it does not mean they cannot also have intimate, 'special' sex.
I know you do not want to believe this, or accept it. But it is true: it happens ALL the time for MANY people.
It sounds to me like it will be impossible for you to accept this with your fiancee. And also, since she lied to you about it, you have also to forgive her for this. It is probably best that you do not marry, as sad as that is.
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (2 September 2011):
There is a big difference between a past with loving relationships and one with promiscuous casual sex. Since it is unlikely the OP is going to change his values and opinions overnight (as some try to suggest he should) the only way forward, if there is one, is to understand her and how she got to where you are now. But sex to her will not mean the same as it does to you. Its like if you eat Thanksgiving dinner every day, its not going to mean much when thanksgiving comes around, fact of life!
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male
reader, soon567 +, writes (2 September 2011):
I wonder how many of the past forgiver would feel the same as they do now about their spouse if they contracted HIV from their past behavior. I really believe they would feel hurt and betrayed.Just because some has a preference or belief of whom he wants to share if life with then he has to be a jerk. He pefer someone who hasnt slept around ever, got that. No matter whom she is today, it still cannot erase her past."You made you bed now lay in it!"
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): Oh please. You won't marry your fiancee because she got intimate with a couple men before she met you? Do you think she cares about those men? No. She's engaged to YOU. She loves you and she made that descison before to sleep with those men. But consider this: if everything that had happened didn't happen exactly the way it did, you might not have even met her.
Honestly I'm surprise she isn't really mad at you. I would be really mad if my fiance started going off on how he didn't agree with my choice and waved his beliefs in my face. It was her descison. Let. It. Go.
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (1 September 2011):
OP sex may be a valued intimacy to you but it certainly wont be to your future wife. If you can live with that fact and put her past out of your mind then get married and be happy. Its hard to generalise but casual relationships do change the way people make long term partners later in life. All I can add is that its not as important as it feels right now, but you will have to wait 20 years to realise it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIts a big deal because sex is so intimate
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011): People say "why did you let it get this far before deciding this is a problem?"
But there is never any time when it's socially acceptable to ask someone about their past. If the relationship is early then people act like it's too impolite to ask. If it's later on then people act like it should have been addressed earlier.
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female
reader, totty-flossy  +, writes (31 August 2011):
 I think your making a big deal over nothing but that could just be my opinion because i am quite open minded and sex has never been a subject that has made me disgusted or uncomfortable!
People make silly mistakes and bad decisions when they are young and they also change as they grow up! she isnt promiscuous now and obviously loves you to accept your marriage proposal and you obviously love her as well or you shouldn't have proposed. If you love her maybe you should let go of her past like she has and accept her for who she is now!?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011): Are you the man who wrote in the other day saying your fiancee lied to you about her past then told you about it over a drinking session? If that's the one then yes leave her as she's taken you for a fool!
If your not the same person and you've known all along about her past then do her favour and leave her anyway because you've been pretty selfish to stay with her this long.
What made you propose to her if you felt so disgusted? I feel for her I really do, because your the one person who is meant to love her unconditionaly and here you are judging her and holding her past against her.
When I got with my boyfriend, I had a bit of a past and he had previously just one sexual partner. We clicked and he knew straight away I was totally trustworthy, that he was the one for me.
Its a shame you don't have that security.
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male
reader, OlderDude +, writes (31 August 2011):
Does it really matter?
I disagree with some of the replies I've read. For one, her "past" does make her the person she is today. Perhaps it helped her realize that shallow or transitory relationships aren't as fulfilling as deep ones, but that'd be conjecture on my part. Personally, if I've found the "right one", feel that she's the right one, then no... her past wouldn't matter. I know for a fact that in her past, my wife had far more partners than myself, and it doesn't bother me a bit, nor does it ever occur to me. How she lived her life prior to meeting me, unless criminal in nature, just never seemed relevant. Now eight years of marriage later, I still couldn't imagine being with someone else. We're great together - we simply "fit".
However the question is, does it really matter to YOU. If so, then be straight with her that this is not something you can ever resolve, and hence you're just not the right one for her.
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female
reader, rile962 +, writes (31 August 2011):
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html Here is a very good discussion about this issue. Good luck to you.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (31 August 2011):
If you can't come to terms with her past, you should leave her .It's never a good idea marrying somebody whom you do not respect.
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male
reader, The Realist +, writes (31 August 2011):
 If you can't get past it then yes you should leave her and find someone else. Her past doesn't make her the person that she is today but some people let it get to them far too much. The thing that I find odd is that you married her already so I am wondering why it is such a big deal now. You must love her so why are you unable to look past some of the choices she has made before she was with you?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011): You can get over insecurities if you work at it.
But you won't ever get over feeling disgusted by things she did. And you will never get over your most basic sexual values which kept you a virgin up until now.
You need to break up with her for the good of both of you. Do it as respectfully as you can. If you stay with her, these problems will not get any easier to deal with as time goes by.
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