A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a great guy for 7 months now. I am 43 and he is 46. I have been divorced for 5 years and he for 10. We really like each other a lot. We have a lot in common. We like each other's kids. We get along well and have good relationship and communication skills. I felt as though I was falling in love with him after 2 or 3 months. At 4 months or so, I told him that I love him knowing that he was not "there yet" and was okay with waiting until he felt the same way and was ready to tell me. After 6 months, he took me by surprise and told me that he loves me! I'm really happy and feel secure that he means it. My question is this. I have known since my divorce that I want to be married again someday. I want to do it right this time and have a real marriage and partner to share my life with. The bf occassionally asks me specific questions about my thoughts and feelings about him and the relationship. He makes it pretty clear that he wants our relationship to last and if I see any "red flags" in him or want to "get out", he wants me to tell him sooner than later so as his feelings do not continue to grow only to have the relationship end. Should I ask him if he sees himself being married again...if that's something he wants? And if so, how? I don't want to push or seem like I'm rushing into anything. I'm not. I just don't want to be someone's 3,4,5,10 year girlfriend. Especially at 43. It's not like we have to finish college first or "figure out who we are", or save for our first house. I just want the same thing he wants...a reasonable idea about what to expect. If he knows that he doesn't want to be married but just wants to have a long term relationship then I would want to opt out, even though I love him. If he wants to wait 5 years and see how he feels then, I would want to opt out. Is this unreasonable? How do I ask him this?
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (31 August 2011):
 It may just be too soon to approach the topic of marriage.
He suprised you with the "I love you", so he is going at his own pace with what feels right for him.
I would suggest that for NOW, let him lead where his heart takes him. So far, he has been doing great, right?
You love him, you love the relationship just might be jumping the gun with your emotional hand out looking for a ring at this stage. The relationship has clicked with you in all the right place. He needs to come to that conclusion on his own at his pace.
Asking what his intentions are for the future might put him off and make him feel too pressure. Not being ready to answer you right now about his feelings of marriage is not a sign he does not truly love you or is never considering marriage. After all, he did check in with your heart to see how you felt about the relationship.
He may not be figuring out who he is as an individual, but he may still be sorting out how he feels about the couplehood. If he really is a great guy, he deserves that space and time to sort it out.
If he had been thru a nasty divorce in the past, that leaves a deep mark on how you view marriage and commitment.
I am divorced and have been out of my relationship many years, but if the perfect guy came along and wanted marriage I would be putting the breaks on too.
I would still want the relationship, but if I felt rushed to the wedding I would be putting energy into slowing DOWN the relationship instead of letting it grow naturally and gaining that emotional security I would need to get their on my own time.
I suggest giving it a bit more time. If the subject does come up, share with him what you expect of marriage and why you want it.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (31 August 2011):
 The operative phrase in your submittal is: ".... he was not "there yet" and was okay with waiting ..." AFTER 10 YEARS???????
What you really have here is him enjoying all the benefits of you making yourself available to him; whilest offering him that great out ("... he was not "there yet" and was okay with waiting ...")... such that he has everything he wants... and you've got not much....
Good luck.....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011): Just come straight out and ask him, make it clear you don't mean a wedding by next weekend though as its only been 7 months.. but it's not unreasonable to query it.
It sounds like a great relationship so he shouldn't be put off, your only asking a question.I hope he says yes.
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A
female
reader, cheers  +, writes (31 August 2011):
 I'm happy for you able to find the person that you found in love,able get along to and hv same interests.
Come on,just be brave to speak what's on your mind.I believe you CAN DO IT1!
Tell him that you are ready for further step into marriage. My expectations simply LASTING relationships till last time. Are you committed to be together with me? Are you ready to step into marriage? What's your opoinions? What's your future plans towards happy marriage?
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