A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay, Never done this before but I need some advice and really want to do the RIGHT thing here. My fiance and I are due to get married this May, we love each other, care about each other, but we don't always see things in the same light. Things that one of us thinks is common sense doesn't make any to the other and visa versa . The big issue I am having right now is the relationship she has with her ex. They were together when we met, and while it does seem that their relationship is more of a just friends thing, she does seem to have trouble moving past him. We are planning a destination wedding and then having two receptions, one close to my folks and the other close to hers. That being said, she is insistent that I come home a day before she does so that she could spend time with her friends without me. Okay, I can understand that to a point, but where I am having an issue is she furthermore wants to drive to yet another state to meet up with the ex she had been with for 9 years and was with when we met. I don't have an issue with them being friends, but I have never met the guy, she wants him to be her best friend and because she says it will be awkward enough just the two of them and she knows that he has no desire to meet or be friends with me that there is too much history and pain and that it will be hard enough without me there that she doesn't want me there. Am I being unreasonable in saying that I don't want her see her ex without me unless I can at least meet him first? I mean, she is asking, or essentially telling me, that I can't be there. I understand that she want's time with the girls and I'm fine with flying home or staying at the hotel or what not for that because she won't have the wedding shower and/or the bachelorette party, I can respect that. What I have a problem accepting is her saying that after I fly home she is going to drive to meet with her ex that lives 3-4 hours from there and insists that I can't be there. She has not seen him since they broke up but they do talk regularly on the phone. Opinions Please!!!!! I don't want to be an ass, and if you disagree with my thinking or think I'm out of line in that thought please let me know. I'm trying to get unbiased opinions as to which of us is right or reasonable. While I'm not comfortable with it, I did agree that as they met in a public place and didn't go back to his house I wouldn't say much, the problem is that it still really bothers me that I can't be there.
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best friend, broke up, fiance, her ex, no desire, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (24 February 2010):
If I was getting married and my girl told me she needed closure with her ex I would tell her to marry him instead. Again, by needing to see him or needing closure she is saying she's not over him. A girl will tell a guy "when I met you its like no one else before you mattered anymore". Or something to that effect. I know she was with this guy for a long time but if she is marrying you she should already be over him. LONG OVER HIM!!!!!!!
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (24 February 2010):
By right , she should allow you to come with her. By not doing that, she has caused you to be uncomfortable. She may have her own reasons and perspective .
You have a right to feel uncomfortable but I guess you will have to learn to live with it for her sake.
One more hurdle to the big day.
Look at it objectively and don't go witch hunting.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 February 2010):
Closure should happen before commitment. She should have dealt with this. You need to have another think about all this, and perhaps ask your fiance why she needs to see him anyway.
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A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (24 February 2010):
I disagree with laura. "Unfinished" business shud be dealt with before you two ever decided to be commited. You shouldn't have to understand anything. You have 2 choices here. Either tell her that she can't do that or let her do it and just become the eventual push over. If she was really in love with you she wouldn't need closure with the "ex". Yes I put that in qoutes because I would be suspicious. If you tell her she can't do it then she will just do it behind your back. Hey man to man. Don't marry this girl. The fact that she needs to see her ex tells me she's not over him and you don't make her forget him. There is someone else out there for you bud.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (24 February 2010):
In a marriage, there should be love and trust.She could have some unfinished business with her ex .She maybe looking for closure with the ex.
It maybe just an ordinary meeting to say goodbye in person and to wish the other well.
They have been together for 9 years and there is definitely a bond between them. They had an amicable breakup and they are still friends.
If I were you , I would just have to accept her decisions even if it displeases me. Don't make it a big issue and jeopardize your wedding.
If she wanted to cheat, she could have done it secretly without your knowledge.Why come out in the open? She has her reasons for doing it her way.
Sometimes ,your perceptions could be wrong. There could be nothing on between them but your mind can play tricks on you .
If you really feel insecure, ask a friend or hire someone to tail her and see any evidence of her infidelity.
If I were you I would not do that but to learn to have trust in her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, I guess I didn't completely explain the whole wedding and receptions, we are getting married in May, we are having the first reception about 2 weeks after the wedding near my hometown, then having the 2nd reception 2 weeks after that near hers. I don't suspect that she will try anything funny or that she'll cheat, but am uncomfortable with them meeting. I am glad to hear that the posts so far don't say I'm crazy in my thinking that something isn't quite right. As far as the not being over him, I know that she knows that they will never work out, but part of me just thinks that despite her knowing that part of her really wants what they had and I guess because she wants him to be her best and closest friend I think I should know the guy before she just starts going and seeing him on her own. ???
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A
female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (24 February 2010):
 I agree with CaringGuy...something is definitely up. I commend you for allowing her to do as she pleases but you have to draw a line somewhere. If she is marrying you, you should be number one after the wedding...not friends, family and definitely not an ex.
Think about this clearly...the woman you're about to marry wants to go spend a day with her ex immediately after your wedding. That's not normal. Have you asked her why? You say she's got trouble getting over him...could this be her one last hurrah with him before settling down with you? No woman, who is committed to her fiance and loves him would be doing this. She's being selfish and she obvioulsy has unresolved issues from that other relationship.
You need to get to the bottom of this before it's too late.
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y +, writes (24 February 2010):
 Why is she keeping in contact with him if he doesn't ever want to include you in the friendship? That's very offensive and she should have ditched him a long time ago, the moment he said he never wanted to be friends with you or even meet you. For me this would be enough to call off a wedding. Her stupid, selfish, and disloyal views would be a big red flag for me. Good luck, I hope you give this silly girl the reality check she needs. :)
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A
female
reader, anongirl +, writes (24 February 2010):
I agree, something more has to be up. If she only wanted to be friends with him, she wouldn't have a problem with you seeing her. Try and talk to her about it a little bit more and explain how it hurts you that she doesn't want you to be there when she meets up with her ex, or tell her that if she gets to see her ex alone, you get to see yours alone. It's a little childish, but go along with it and she'll realize that it's wrong.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 February 2010):
I don't know what other people will say, but from my point of view this seems wrong. First up, if the first thing a newly married woman wants to do when she's married is send her husband home a day early, something's wrong. And what's even more wrong is that she then wants to see her ex AFTER you've got married. Something is wrong, and it needs to be dealt with. Explain you are not happy that the first thing she is doing when you are married is going to see her ex without you.
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