A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. My fiancee was scared to death of becoming pregnant and now she is. We use contraception but nothing is 100% as you all know. She has always been adamant that she will get an abortion regardless of whether I want it or not and she says that she is getting one as soon as possible. The reason for this is that she thinks that she won't be able to have a life once a baby is brought in to it, her dreams will never become a reality. I've tried explaining that our dreams will become a reality but they will just come a little later than expected. She won't listen. I have seen a video of an abortion procedure and I have never been so horrified in my life. I think it is murder. It made me sick to my stomach. If she goes ahead with it I don't know if I will be able to stay with her. Can anyone help me?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): I think fathers have rights about these decisions that are often underappreciated these days.
However it sounds like she has made her opinion abundantly clear to you long before she got pregnant. You should have had this one out back then.
So I think you need to let her decision rule the day now. You basically agreed to it by knowing she felt that way and having sex with her anyway. We all know it's not that simple but something has to be decided.
A
male
reader, artian +, writes (9 March 2009):
 Simple,
think
If when you had sex did you ask her to have your baby!
If she didn't want sex with you would you demand it!
was sex for enjoyment?
was sex for a baby?
was sex for enjoyment and a baby?
If she said and you knew she was terrified of having a baby then really you should be somewhat prepared for this outcome.
I know you probably thought it all through but when reality bites things change your mind and the deeper cut makes you realize things. But, a big part of your stress is probably down to the fact that its out of your control. Its hard to accept but that is the key.
If the abortion happens the feelings will fade.
If the birth happens the outcome will become more and more intense.
I have experience on both levels.
good luck!
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A
male
reader, artian +, writes (9 March 2009):
Abortion,
Without prejudice
Avery difficult situation to make a correct turn in?
A common thing and therefore this situation happens to many people. Is it goo is it bad? It happens for reasons! I don't think anybody really likes it but I suppose it all boils down to what you feel is the best thing for all concerned at the time. Try to be subjective as well as objective.
It is true that the woman has the ultimate decision because it is the woman who carries the baby and gives birth. Of course the two people made this happen and therefore are both involved but it is the woman who is left with the baby if the relationship breaks down.
So, i would say that a lot of the decision is down to the status of the relationship.
casual sex is a common thing these days and therefore if entering such an activity we should be aware of the effects and the person who that is taking place with. People lie and thongs happen.
If the two people are ready to have a baby and want it to happen then great have a baby. If your BOTH not ready then you should be questioning why?
Commitment to each other
Money! its very expensive to have a baby.
Trust
personal situation
General situation
The stress it will cause ( if applicable )and the effect of that for the child.
I think this is a very difficult decision for any conscious minded person and it should be a conscious decision.
Therefore, I believe it is down to the woman to make that decision but should be intimately and expansively discussed between the two people involved if at all possible.
I think as a guy. My personal opinion is if i had sex with a woman and we had not planned to have a baby then I should respect that decision made by the woman. After all miss-carriage could happen naturally so we should prepare for loss and be aware that may happen before having sex. Also, if she had the baby and then the relationship broke down because I had made her keep the baby when she was not ready there would probably be a lot of resentment and uneasy feelings that would be unfair for the child.
Hope this is of some help.
Good luck and take it easy on yourself!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2009): Sorry to say this. The 13 year old dad and 15 year old mom who made news in the websites look better than your fiancee. They are taking more responsibility about the outcome of their sex act. It is fully justified if you break up with her after she does something you feel as murder. She is not an adult but she wants to play adult games. That is the problem. But dont force her to keep the baby. The baby will be better off without having to live with a mother like that.
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A
female
reader, kissxmexagainx  +, writes (9 March 2009):
 I don't agree with the "her body, her decision" thing. YOU fathered this child which means you should have rights in this matter. yeah it's her body but this baby is a separate life inside her body.
I had an abortion when I was 16 years old. my boyfriend at the time forced me to pretty much. I've regretted it every day for the last 2 1/2 years. it kills me inside. now I'm pregnant && very happy but I still feel shame && guilt && regret every day. you should tell her straight out that you can't allow her to murder the child that you && her made together.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (9 March 2009):
 You are in such a terrible position and at the end of the day, she can have the abortion without you so she can technically do what she wants to do. Abortions after 8 weeks are pretty nasty - is she aware of the procedure? This may help influence her; so if you do some research on the procedure and explain to her what it is she will go through, she may think differently.
What makes me wonder though is that if she has always been so worried about getting pregnant, then why did she not go straight to the doctors after this happened and get the morning after pill? That would have saved all this heartache and pain for you both.
She needs to be aware of all the risks involved(especially to her future fertility)- have you both properly sat down and talked about this? She needs to stop being so selfish in this - while it is her body it is also your baby. She cannot ignore your presence in all this - otherwise she will lose you and she needs to be aware of this. But dont threaten her with "if you abort this baby I will leave you" - this wont help at all.
You need to talk about this in a calm manner - she needs to give you her exact reasons for the abortion. You need to then explain to her why you want to keep the baby, and explain how you think it could work.
Does she want children in the future or is she against having children at all? I guess if she does want kids one day then maybe you should support her decision to have the abortion now, in the knowledge that you will have the baby you want in the future. But if she doesnt want kids ever, then maybe you two want different things and this cannot be overcome. If you are both fundamentally different in your values then maybe you are not right for each other and this relationship wont work.
I really feel for you on this, you are torn between supporting the woman you love and your love for this unborn baby. There is no right answer for this problem, and it comes down to the two of you having different opinions on what is a very difficult subject.
I wish you all the best.
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (9 March 2009):
 I am pro-choice and this is something only you two can sort out but at the end of the day, it's her carrying the foetus, she will have to give birth, she will do all the mothering stuff, she will have to take maternity leave, she will have to loose the baby weight etc, so no matter how good a parent you are going to be she is still going to have a massive life altering event! I understand you are against it, but you HAVE to respect her opinion too!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2009): She needs to make an informed decision, and by that I mean she needs to understand al the risks associated with having an abortion.
For example, she may not want a child right now, but she will be jeopardiszing her future fertility should she choose to have the abortion.
What I'm saying is that she only sees one thing associated with the abortion - getting rid of the child. There are so many implications for having an abortion.
Get her to a doctor, who can help her understand what it really means.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 March 2009):
 This post is sure to create a lot of discussion here. On the one hand, some people will say she has the right to choose. On the other, some other people will say she doesn't. And there will be no agreement as to what is right or wrong, just as there is no agreement in society at large.
I will give my opinion (of course, since I can't be expected to speak for someone else) and will be happy to hear others speak their mind, too.
I will start by saying that it is clear that she doesn't want the baby and you do. She doesn't want the baby because she thinks he/she will ruin her life. There are no medical reasons whatsoever; no ectopic pregnancy, no child with terrible genetic diseases, etcetera. The controversy might arise as to whether she can have the abortion or not, but I ask everyone to be clear about this one point.
I will assume that your fiancée, poster, is about the same age as you. We have no information in this regard. We don't know if she's a 15 year old or a 40 year old. I will assume, like I said, that she's about your age. That is, 26 to 29 years old, an adult.
Now my opinion:
Your only chance to keep the baby, poster, is to do as Damluvaan suggested and ask her to have the baby and then give him/her to you. You might not get this, because she will be the one pregnant, and she might not like the idea of the changes that will come to her body.
I believe that 26 to 29 is old enough for anyone to know that sex might involve becoming pregnant, or impregnanting someone, and, therefore, being unwillingly responsible for caring and nurturing another human being. Obviously she thinks otherwise.
Where I live, feminists have struggled for years to get men to agree to the idea that a child won't ruin their lives. This is called "responsible fatherhood", and very correctly so. This is to say that we don't allow seventeen year old males to claim that they are too young to become responsible for a baby, on the grounds that s/he will not allow them to fulfill their dreams. We don't allow men to dump the responsibility on a girl that perhaps consented to sex because she was madly in love with him, after hearing him declare his undying and self-denying love countless times. We don't allow 26 year old men to say that they don't have enough money to pay alimony. I believe that what this girl is doing is wrong, on the very grounds that it is wrong for males to just forget about the child, and the woman, because HE impregnated her.
This rant doesn't help you, poster. She will have the baby if she wants, and she won't if she doesn't. Your hands are tied. It's your child, but it's not your decision.
Thinks very carefully if you can stay with her if she has the abortion. If she does and you decide to stay with her, don't rub the abortion in her face. If you decide to go, then go.
It seems you want kids. Are you sure she wants them, too? Maybe she wants the abortion NOW, but does believe in having children later. Maybe she doesn't believe in having children at all.
Are you sure she's talking about abortion because she doesn't want a child, no matter who s/he is, or because she doesn't want YOUR child?
Don't put any pressure on her regarding her decision. Wait and act after she has made her mind up.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (9 March 2009):
 How far along is she? Do you live near your parents, or siblings (if you have any), or your grandparents?
In addition to Damluvaam's suggestion that you raise it on your own, perhaps you can also let her know that your relatives (or hers) will be more than happy to pitch in and look after the baby once it is born. Perhaps until pre-school even. It would take a lot of coordination to work on schedules etc, but the upside is that the baby is loved by more than the both of you as its parents :-)
I take it that adoption is not an option?
You are correct in saying that career and dreams can be achieved later, but babies are a blessing and therefore should be loved and taken care of. Just like parters/wives/mothers are. To be loved and respected and taken care of.
You are the father of your unborn baby, true, so that you should have a say in what is decided. But, ultimately, it is also her body and she has the right to do what she wants with "her body".
Whether or not you should stay or leave if she decided to have an abortion, is really for you to decide. You will always that "guilt" if you are strongly against abortion. But on the other hand, you also need to understand her "fear" of unrealized dreams if she had a baby now.
In the discussion that you will have, if it is not too late, you might need to think about you becoming somewhat of the house-husband if it comes down to it. That is, she can continue to pursue her dreams, you look after the baby and the house. Then, when she is settled in on her career path, you can join the working force in full again. Would that be a good option?
Good luck!
Cat
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2009): I have already said that I'll raise the child and she can go to work but she is still getting the abortion.
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