A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid,Me and my fiance are expecting our 1st baby. He wants a DNA test, just because I messed around just 1 time and that was last year (2010)! IT'S A NEW YEAR! I mean, he's actually "insisting" that i get a DNA test... I just got pregnant since me and him moved in together back in February (2011). Im 5 months preggers. I've been around him 24/7 ever since we moved in together! So, put the pieces to the puzzle and tell me where does the need for a DNA test come in @? I dont see a need for a DNA test, if I know guaranteed he's the father! He says, he only wants the DNA test done so he can better accept the fact that I messed around once. But come on, "does this really make any sense"?!
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female
reader, grrrr2345 +, writes (11 July 2011):
You did cheat and while I'm sure you are probably tired of hearing him throw up the cheat card all the time you have to deal with it if you want to be with him. He obviously has feelings for you or else he would have left and he is giving you the chance to be with him. It's a small sacrifice you have to be willing to deal with. He won't throw it up forever.. Eventually people do earn trust back (when it's rightfully due) and this will just be another memory thrown to the side and rarely thought of.
As far as the DNA test I'm sure you're thinking it will make you look like someone who sleeps around often since your boyfriend is requesting one. If he wants it done at the hospital don't worry about what the nurses will think.. They do this all the time and you will never see them again and if you do see them they will not look at you as the one who had a DNA test. A lot commanding officers in the military require a DNA test if the father isn't married to the mother before they send up forms for insurance.
There is also the DNA kit you can purchase at a drug store. Its sent off to a lab and the results are sent back in the mail. Technically if he stumbles across the kit he can do it without your knowledge.
If the cost of it is an issue don't let it be. Trust is worth a lot more than 200 dollars..
I know you said you cheated in early 2010 and moved in with him in 2011 and you're right if you cheated in early 2010 then you would of had the baby by now. But since that line of trust was broken he has doubts. And I can tell you now if you want to argue as little as possible then you need to understand his point of view not really agree with it but at least understand his train of thought. His thoughts are you cheated once and you could possibly do it again.. Having a baby is a snowball effect of emotions and it gets bigger and bigger as the days carry on of seeing the little miracle.. he is smart.. he doesn't want to wait until the baby is a year old when he is attached to find out it isn't his.. Or worse after 18 years..
Swallow your reasons this time he does deserve it.. understand you don't always have to agree with him but sometimes you just need to do it.. Like everyone has said just do the DNA test..
A
female
reader, loveshimithink +, writes (11 July 2011):
 if you havent cheated since 2010 then you have no worries take the test when it says he the daddy laugh and say get over the cheating thing and step up to your responsibility!!!!!!
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (8 July 2011):
 makes perfect sense to me. he knows you cheated once WAY WAY back in 2010 - so how does he know you haven't cheated since?
have you ever been cheated on? if you had you should understand how he feels now. i'd get the test if i were you. i think you owe him that much
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female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (7 July 2011):
It's still incredibly easy to cheat even if you live with someone. All it takes is one quick hook up. So how does he know you've never cheated again? He knows you did cheat, so he knows you're willing to do it. If I were him, I'd want to make sure too. Before I take on the role of parent and start putting in thousands and thousands of dollars and so much time into raising a kid, I'd make sure it was mine.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 July 2011):
OP, I think to suggest in any way that what he's asking for is pathetic is a very sad indictment of your relationship. You may know it's his, but how on earth can you seriously expect him to trust you when you cheated, whether it was last year or not. The price of cheating, is that you don't get to be trusted until you have truly earned it back. All you're doing is entirely throwing his concerns aside for your own ends.
Basically, it comes down to whether you care enough to realize that what happened has directly caused this lack of trust. If you can't, within the next few years you'll be a single mother.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011): Well you messed around just one time last year, but you dont specify exactly when you messed around. In his minds eye (and I suppose to some) it could be perfectly logical that if you messed around end of December, (such as December 31, 2010) then technically you would be officially pregnant sometime in January 2011, and then have moved in with him in February 2011. Perhaps to him, a difference of a few weeks might make all the difference in the world when determining who the father is, as the dates would be just a little too close for comfort. Perhaps he is looking more for the distance in when you cheated to when you became pregnant to when you moved in with him. If everything happened within a month and a half, then it might make it really hard for him to fully trust in sharing blood with that child inside of you. Of course, this logic doesnt apply if lets say you cheated in April 2010, but at this point, it really doesnt matter...What does matter is WHY you are so against him wanting you to agree to this test? Its not pathetic, his trust was broken!! Its perfectly logical to assume that if you did it once, then you are capable of doing it again. Also, I assume since you cheated, that involved some lying, and so he might not even be entirely sure that you were telling the truth on exactly when you cheated, or if you didnt cheat more than once and just said that it was that one time. I understand that you are hurt, but you have to remember that you are still building trust with him, and that isnt something that should have repaired itself back in "2010" because its now "2011"...There is no time limit on healing. It takes as long as it takes.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011): you cheated
he doesn't trust you
so he is full within his rights to ask for irrefutable proof.
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011): oh yes!!!..trust once lost in such relationships are lost forever..trust is earned okay... so jus take the test and relieve him from his worry
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011): I'm with everyone else. OP you lost the 100% trust when you cheated, now he has a right to know if it's his or not because he can't trust you completely.
You may be 100% sure, but you can't expect him to be.
OP if I was in his place I'd start to doubt that child was mine even more based on your insistence of not having one. I'm sorry but it actually makes it look more like it might be not his seeing as you're so reluctant to get a simple test. Not only that but I'd be getting that test done whether you like it or not. I wouldn't pay a penny towards that child nor put my name as father until I was certain. I would take legal action to get one done if you still refused and I'd strongly reconsider our relationship too because it seems you'd rather be right than do what's necessary to regain and keep his trust.
OP this can be easily resolved by just getting one, you have no moral position here, there is no proof to him that this child is definitely his, as a woman I don't expect you to understand what it is to have even the most minor doubt in your head as to whether that child is yours or not. It can completely ruin the bonding process because you just don't want to get close to a kid that may not be yours. It will effect his relationship with the child and the fact you don't want to help ease that feeling, as feeling he can't help says to me you have no compassion for his side at all. You just want to be right and you just think he should get over it, sorry but no, he can't just turn off his feelings and cast away doubts.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (7 July 2011):
 i would just do it to humor him if you have no concerns... nothing to worry about, right?
believe me, once someone cheats, it's hard to get that out of your head.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011): I think it should be standard procedure to test all babies at birth any time a father is going to be officially declared.
I have yet to hear a valid reason not to do this.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 July 2011):
 makes sense to me as a woman who's husband lied and cheated. I will NEVER trust him again.
once betrayed trust is almost impossible to re-earn...
while there is no chance that it's someone else's baby it's still going to nag at him....
are you sure you want to be in a relationship where you will never be given 100% trust. I"m in one now and it works most of the time but when he gets scared that my past may re-appear it can be very stressful.
think long and hard about whether or not you want to continue a relationship with someone that does not trust you. and my never.
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female
reader, jesca86 +, writes (7 July 2011):
 I agree with the others.
If you are certain that he's the father then show some compassion and get the test done to give him piece of mind.
I have always thought that it must be horrible for a guy because unless a test is done they will never be 100% certain unlike us women who obviously KNOW that it's our child.
You are lucky that he has forgiven you and you're back together, if I ever strayed I know for a fact my fiancee would be straight out the door!!!
You have to understand that you've broken the trust and you cant automatically expect it to just magically reappear, you need to offer proof that you're trustworthy, faithful etc until that trust has been built back up.
These sort of questions will always be raised now you've strayed once and that is the price you have to pay I'm afraid.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (7 July 2011):
 First of all, with this attitude, neither of you seem ready to be having a baby. You cheated on him, got back, got pregnant within a year. Maybe you still haven't cleared everything with him and he OBVIOUSLY doesnt trust you. Did both of you plan this baby? Or was this pregnancy a surprise for you?
If its a planned pregnancy, then its incredibly offensive to you. He knew what he was getting into and he cannot question your morals now. Its not that he didnt know what was happening.He should never have agreed to having a baby if he has no faith in you. However, if its an unplanned pregnancy, then he might be thinking about how its sprung up out of the blue and he has his doubts.
Whatever it is, he doesnt trust you. Its sad really. Get the test done only if you want to. If you know you're right, you dont have to prove anything to anyone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011): It makes sense. You cheated so now he's skeptical. If you know he is the father 100% then whats the problem? If you have nothing to hide than you should be able to do the test no problem, to prove it was a one time mistake. It will help him come to terms with what you did. Just do the test if you are positive he is the father.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont understand it. I just think its pathetic that he insists on me getting one done. Put 2+2 together! I mean i just became pregnant since we moved in this house together, and i cheated way back last year. So how can it even be somebody elses child?!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011): Yes, this makes perfect sense. You cheated and broke the trust and it takes a lot longer than a year to get over that. If I'd been in his shoes I probably wouldn't have gotten back with you and I certainly wouldn't have had unprotected sex unless you'd had a test for STIs.
If you really can't understand why he has asked for this, you're probably not sufficiently mature to be making a baby. But what's done is done.
Accept the fact that you messed up big time last year and if you want to be with him, this is one of several prices you are going to have to pay for some time yet before he can fully trust you again.
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male
reader, childof1981 +, writes (7 July 2011):
 The need comes because you have cheated in the past. Trust has been broken within the recent past, and because of that you should make some concessions. One of them being that he had a somewhat legitimate concern about the paternity of the child. It can cause complications in child support hearings down the road if you two part ways and he does not question the paternity now and just lets it go.
So the paternity test has potentially far reaching consequences for him. This is your future husband and sometime you have to make concessions to make a marriage work. In this case you need to swallow your rational knowledge of who the father is and take care of your future husbands emotional & rational need. He may not trust you yet, but for the sake of rebuilding that trust you should make a concession or two. Especially for an issue of this magnitude.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (7 July 2011):
If my girlfriend had cheated on me, and I stayed with her (unlikely) and went on to have a baby, I would always wonder in the back of my mind if it was my child or not. You should get the DNA test, it's what you must do to reassure him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011): If your so sure he's the father then what's the problem? Let him pay for the test and do it if only to put his mind at rest. Then when your baby comes along he can't suddenly start the 'he doesn't look like' arguments when you fall out x
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female
reader, Battista +, writes (7 July 2011):
I think it makes sense, to him at least, on the basis that you broke the bond of trust in your relationship. I appreciate that you are only five months pregnant, however perhaps he still feels that he cannot completely trust you and therefore in his mind there is some doubt over whether he is the father. I suppose it's the old adage "once bitten, twice shy"; he's already been the victim of your cheating once and wants to make sure it hasn't happened again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011): If he can't move on from the fact that you cheated once a year ago, then he's always going to be like this. You shouldn't get the DNA test when you never got pregnant in 2010. But just get it so you can prove yourself and so he can let go of this grudge.
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