A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My 9 year old daughter has been trained by my ex wife to hate my fiancé. My daughter refuses to be near her so, when my kids are with me, my fiancé is not. To make matters worse, my daughter's therapist seems to be enabling the hate. This has been going on for almost two years and my fiancé is pulling away from me. I'm afraid that this is breaking us up. Further, I'm afraid that I will resent my daughter for this. I love this woman so much more that I ever could have imagined. I don't know what to do.
View related questions:
ex-wife, fiance, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (8 March 2011):
 Having been a child of divorced parents, I can understand where your daughter is coming from. I also know that children have their own minds and if they dont like someone, then no amount of "training" will change the way they think.
If your daughter is saying the same things to her therapist as she is to you and her mother, then I very much doubt these feelings are being imposed on her. This is what SHE thinks.
Parents often forget that the children see everything that goes on in a divorce. Think how you felt going through your divorce - pretty crap I guess? Emotional turmoil, stress, anger, resentment, sadness..... well the children feel this too. They also feel rejected, and lost. The safe family environment that they know, their entire life sphere is suddenly upended, and they are faced with new scary things.. You had some control over the situation. You were the ones instigating, you understood the situation. You knew what the outcome would be. This nine year old child, does not understand. She cannot control anything that happens to her, she just gets told, this is what is happening, deal with it. Try and see it from her point of view. You are expecting her to understand and accept a very grown up and adult situation, because you view it though adult eyes. To her, her world has fallen apart.
If you did cheat on your ex-wife, your daughter may feel resentful of your new fiance. She possibly blames her for the breakup of her family. Your new woman took YOU away from her.
"I'm afraid that this is breaking us up. Further, I'm afraid that I will resent my daughter for this."
Your fiance has to realise that she plays a part in the damage your divorce has caused your daughter. Emotional scarring from divorce can be carried for many years by children. She has chosen for forge a relationship with a man who has children. She has to accept that this will be difficult and may take many years for her to be accepted as a new woman in your life. If you fiance loves you, then she will work towards what is best for your daughter, because once you are married to her, she will be a step-mother, and that brings a lot of responsibility. Once you have kids, you are no longer number 1 priority in life.
I know for you, the new relationship is your top priority, but just because you divorced your ex wife, you didnt divorce your children, and they are just as important now as they were before.
Have you spoken to the therapist? Do you know why your daughter feels the way she does? instead of understanding you are accusing your daughter, making her feel even more unloved. By doing that, you are actually pushing her further away.
Stop thinking about you.
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (8 March 2011):
 If your daughter requires a therapist then she is obviously struggling psychologically to adjust to the new set of family circumstances. This is not terribly uncommon for children. It is unfortunate that you are not on good terms with your ex but that is what happens often after divorce. Your daughter should be your priority and feeling resentment towards her is wrong as she is just a child. Resent your ex-wife if anything. As for your relationship with your partner, it is clear that she knew you had a child when you got involved together. While she maybe frustrated with the limited access she has to you, it is important that she makes allowances for the difficult circumstances that you find yourself in. Basically if she cannot adapt to your family arrangements and be flexible then what does that say about your long-term future together? You definitely need to be with someone who is willing to cooperate and take second place to your children from time to time. It doesn't matter that your daughter doesn't like her - it really shouldn't be the issue here. Your partner should see your daughter as a child who is able to express a range of emotions, including negative one's. The therapist is probably enabling your child to talk about her inner emotions rather than encouraging her to hate you. Your daughter probably thinks if you didn't have another woman, you would get back with her mother and live the picket-fence lifestyle. Children of 9 have a rigid/ simplistic pattern of emotional and cognitive thought - the adults around such children need to make allowances for this. If you resent your child then it could have long term implications for your father-daughter relationship. You are entitled to have an adult relationship with your partner, but not one that gets in the way of the parent-child relationship which should be of paramount importance.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): "Further, I'm afraid that I will resent my daughter for this."
I'm sure your daughter has a lot more reason to resent you at this point in time. I'm sure she feels torn between you and her mother. The bond with your child is for life. You may end up divorcing this new wife to be as you have already shown that pattern. Do you want to lose your child over this? Don't abandon her now when she needs you the most, accept her, whatever her feelings are and let her know you will be there for her no matter what.
...............................
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (8 March 2011):
 I'm going to take FloridaCatGirl's very worthwile comments and expand on them. And in the process am going to give you feedback you don't want and will almost certainly annoy you.Divorce can be completely devastaing to kids. Their world is ripped apart, their anchors to a familiar and safe environment completely lost. It's worse when their parents are fighting. And when a parent completely loses it and uses the child as a pawn? The child can be messed up for life.Of course I don't know what happened between you and your wife. And maybe you moving on to your fiancé was the healthiest thing you could do for yourself. But it doesn't appear to be a healthy thing for your kids, at least how it's been handled so far. So the question to you is where are your priorities? Are you more concerned with your own emotional well-being, or with you children's emotional well-being?I've watched a number of marriages break down, and a number of people move on to new partners. And seen how that affects the children involved. I'm sorry to say that few of the adults involved put their childen first.Your marriage may be irretrievably lost. But a new relationship can lose you your children. Rather than expecting your children to accommodate your new love, perhaps it's better for them that you sacrifice your wants and put them first.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 March 2011):
 If you honestly believe a therapist is not acting ethically but is in fact acting against your daughter's well being you should find out what associations/organisations/governing or licensing body oversee the therapist, and make a formal complaint.If you daughter is seeing an unlicensed/untrained therapist seek advise from your nearest family law court.
...............................
A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (8 March 2011):
 I’ll be honest with you, I see red flags here. You haven’t given us much information, but from the little you have told us, I’m concerned. First, you said, “My 9 year old daughter has been trained by my ex wife to hate my fiancé.” Sadly, this does happen. It’s immature, spiteful, and manipulative of your ex wife to do this, but it happens. How old is your daughter? Even when exes split amicably, the children are adversely affected and will act out in response to their feelings. Then you said, “To make matters worse, my daughter's therapist seems to be enabling the hate.” I know you won’t like this, but I find this very hard to believe. Psychologists and psychiatrists receive advanced training beyond a Bachelor’s degree. They are taught to remain unbiased, and nonjudgmental. They can lose their licenses if they fail to uphold certain ethical standards. A therapist is not going to risk his/her livelihood, or reputation, by taking sides and giving biased and/or bad advice. That’s common sense. Think about it… why would a therapist “enable hate”? Simply put, they wouldn’t. They are not emotionally involved with your daughter, ex-wife, girlfriend, or yourself. They have no reason to even want to take sides. Ask yourself this, what would a therapist have to gain by taking sides? Nothing. In fact, they would have more to lose by doing so.You then stated, “I'm afraid that I will resent my daughter for this.” This is really sad. Your daughter is struggling to accept the divorce and your new girlfriend. She is a victim in this situation. How long ago did you get divorced and did you cheat on your wife with this your girlfriend? Kids are pretty smart. They can put two and two together. Your daughter should be your number one priority. I don’t have children, but even I know that is a given. You don’t put girlfriends before the well-being of your own children. As they say, there are two sides to every story, and the truth lies somewhere in between. When emotions are involved people tend to think subjectively. We’re human beings, so it’s entirely understandable. However, you need to put yourself in your daughter’s shoes for a while and think about her feelings as well. I’m sorry if I have offended you in any way. Honestly, that’s not my objective. Basically, you’ve given me a handful of pieces to a much larger puzzle, and I’m trying to figure out the bigger picture. Can you give us some details or examples?
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 March 2011):
 If you suspect the therapist is encouraging this, why not change therapist?
I suppose talking to your ex-wife is futile.
In the end, if the girl's resentment is ill-founded, why would you leave your fiancée? Children are important, all right, but it is also important to teach them that they can't get away with just anything they please. Dad has a life too, and she's got to respect it.
...............................
A
female
reader, coolbeans +, writes (8 March 2011):
 Have you tried contacting or setting up a meeting with the therapist. The only way this can begin to be resolved is if there is a non-biased person to intervene and help all of you communicate together.As a daughter of a man who picked his lover over his children, I would say get family counseling with your daughter first and then add your fiance to the mix. Also your fiance is an adult and should understand that troubled children come with divorce and remarriage. Your daughter has only one dad...be there for her first and if your fiance loves you, she will stand by your side for being a man of integrity. PS...my dad is now single in his mid 60's and none of his children visit him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Mjfbla +, writes (8 March 2011):
 Are you sure your xwife and your daughters therapist are forcing your daughter to hate this woman? how do you knwo she just really doesnt want to lose her father, doesnt want to see her mother hurt, and hates your fiance of her own accord. divorce new marraiges are all really hard on kids. but has you fiance tried to help things or has she just stopped coming around when your kids are there. Its kind of shocking that youd resent your daughter for feeling emotions that almost every divorced child feels, even if it costs u ur fiance..
...............................
|
