A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a very low bad place at the moment. I have just found out that my ex girlfriend who split up with me 2 months ago has a new man.It shook my world when she split up with me but whilst she wasn't with anyone else, I was coping ok.This latest news has destroyed me. I've not had to deal with this before- previous girlfriends have not meant so much to me. I thought this girl was the one. I thought I was going to spend my life with her.This new guy is not someone new in her life and I vaguely know him. I live in the same small town as them and am not able to move away for at least 6 months. I am so scared of seeing them together that I am just staying in the house. It was 2 days ago that I found out. She told me herself, not in a boasting way but because she didnt want it to be a shock if I saw them together.I just cant handle this. Like i said, i thought this girl was my soul mate and now she's in another guys bed (or he's in hers!!) The worst thing is i am soooooo jealous its eating me alive. I cant get images of them having sex out of my head! I've tried to talk to a couple of friends but they just say 'get over it'. I am trying to but I just can't shift these thoughts.I dont want to go out 'on the pull' as there are only very few places to go out where i live and the chances are i will see them!!What do i do??!! Apart from ending it all... I would never do that but it would be easier than having to go through this!I'm feeling so desperate.She told me that she wanted to finish with me as she didn't love me anymore and that we had drifted too far apart- that was news to me. Maybe she fifnished with me to be with him??!!I know to most people this is so small but to me its major stuff. This jealousy is killing me. She's my sweetheart, not his!!!! Sorry to go on but as you can tell im at my wits end.Anyone that wants to say anything, please do!Thankyou for taking the time to read this.
View related questions:
ex girlfriend, jealous, my ex, soulmate, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Learner.uk +, writes (12 January 2011):
 Hi, I know what you are going through, My girl friend left me the Sunday before Christmas and told me that it was because she had feelings for her flat mate. The flat mate is a short fat guy that has always been in love with her for well over a year before I came along however at the time she was not interested in him and now she has decided that she is, when I was told it was heart breaking but I remained calm at the time and just said ok what ever all the best got my stuff out of her room and left. She had returned home to see her folks at Christmas for a week which she was going to do anyway. The best thing to do even though I didn't want to was not contact her at all, don't phone don't text even If you feel strongly to do so and make sure you don't do anything when drunk! It has been about 3 weeks now and I went out for a Friends Birthday when I saw them together, I felt really angry and peed off inside but the best thing I did was to ignore her and him and have a laugh with my mates and flirt with my other girlfriends/other girls, god I was so happy with myself, should have seen her face when she saw that I was not bothered. I have never done this before in my life and I have been really messed up in the past! Over all I learned: 1) DO NOT RUN AFTER HER! FACE that you are SINGLE and she is NOT COMING BACK! (even if you really don't mean that you need to GET IT INTO YOUR HEAD and will HELP in the long run) 2) DON'T PHONE or TEXT (NO DRUNK PHONE CALLS) leave her to it, if you are that important she will come back - get on with YOUR LIFE! 3) SPEND TIME WITH FRIENDS DON'T SIT IN! Do stuff to keep you going get out and show your not bothered, trust me she will be crazy even if she does not look it inside she will think. 4) Be POLITE TO HER IF YOU SEE HER OUT you DON'T NEED TO HAVE A LONG CHAT, Just say hi. 5) LOOK AFTER YOUR SELF FEEL GOOD, MAKE SURE YOU EAT AND DO SOME WORKING OUT! BE SMART IN YOUR LOOKS SO IF YOU DO BUMP INTO HER AGAIN THAT WILL MAKE HER THINK. 6) SHE MIGHT NOT COME BACK BUT DON'T KILL YOUR SELF OVER IT I HAVE BEEN THERE AND IT REALLY SUCKS AFTER TRYING THIS I FEEL SO GOOD, WHEN YOUR POSITIVE AND HAPPY PEOPLE PICK UP ON IT AND YOU DON'T PULL/MEET NEW GIRLS BY LOOKING A MESS AND LOOKING SORRY FOR YOUR SELF, BE UP-BEAT! 7) IF SHE DOES CALL at any point DON'T REPLY BACK STRAIGHT AWAY AS IT SHOWS YOU ARE DESPERATE! and your not! LEAVE IT A DAY THEN REPLY BUT DON'T SOUND INTERESTED JUST KEEP IT POLITE AND SAY SOMETHING LIKE HI IM WELL, LET HER DO THE WORK, If she wants to talk and your mixed about how you feel just say your busy, however if you feel ok and have gathered your thoughts then have a talk let her do the talking at first its her problem! Think about how you feel, what has happened etc and do you really want her back? 8) I have been a arse in the past and learned my lesson it really is not worth being in that much pain! I stayed single for 2yrs because of how I felt and you just need to be you, enjoy life and the rite person will come along eventually whether it is her or not! Its been 3 weeks now yes I am hurting but the thing is i am not showing it, I am being me and feeling positive about my self and life and I know her relationship is not going to last but after what she has put me through over Christmas I am defo not going to take her back, Trust me she tried to make stuff up about me and the fact I acted like a Adult which I am and was mature about it all that is going to bother her the mostHope this helps and remember your not alone!
A
male
reader, Cools_Breeze  +, writes (17 October 2010):
I know exactly what you're going through buddy. My girlfriend of a year recently left me saying that we were on different paths in our lives and ended things right then and there. It's been a little over a month now and it still hurts so much every time I think about it. I was extremely confused from the whole situation and wondered why she didn't talk to me about our problems. I even encouraged conversations in an effort to eliminate problems. Well about a week later she was already heavily dating a new guy that she met while she was with me. This really tore my heart to shreds because I even asked her if one of the reasons why we broke up was because she had feelings for someone else and she said no. But that was clearly a lie. No one moves on that quick without having a backup plan. I realized that I was just her safe option boyfriend until she found someone else. She basically used me for emotional support and for physical comfort. And I guess that's the worst feeling of all being used by your first love. The only thing I can do now is go on and continue with my life even if she doesn't want to have anything to do with it.
I just never understand how she can treat me like this after I spent and gave so much of myself to that relationship. I was always there for her and never disrespected, lied or even cheated on her, unlike her ex-husband. And even after all that she was still able to toss me aside like an empty soda can. In my opinion people like that deserve to live a long and lonely life because they treat people that they love like garbage.
Right now I just feel so hurt and betrayed that I would gladly welcome the days where I can feel anger and hatred for her for what she has done to me. Because I want to hate her rather then care and love her, she doesn't deserve my love or my care. I pray sometimes that I can learn to trust and love another woman one day. But as of right now I need to spend a few months maybe years on healing first before I can ever pursue another relationship.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fazio +, writes (15 February 2010):
Hey, Man. Sorry for what you're going through. I don't know that I can give you great advice. I can certainly express my empathy. I know what you're going through. I fell in love with a married woman who assured me she was done with her husband and that I was the love of her life and that she wanted only to be with me. After 18 months the affair was discovered by her husband,she pulled the rug out from under me and decided to work on her marriage. What you're going through is heartbreaking. I really feel for you. If you're like me your mind goes to her 100 times a day. I think I'm trying to get the feeling of love by reliving memories with her. I've decided that this is a dangerous game that I shouldn't be playing. While I'm in that imagining phase its easy to slip to imagining what she's doing with her husband instead of me and that's torture. The whole thing is torture as you well know. I've been praying a lot for help and the answer I got back was "let her go". Its so hard to do because its really letting a dream die. Its letting go of the woman that I believed was my soulmate.The harsh truth is that she made a choice to live her life without me. Regardless of how many times she promised me that she would choose me if she had to choose....she chose him.So I keep repeating "let her go" when my mind wanders. I can't lie though, I cry once a day over her. But I think its important to feel and process the heartbreak.Try to appreciate how much you grew through loving her and know that you'll be a better man from all of this.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): You have two options. both are similar just with a different outcome. You need to see other people. Hang out with friends. Try to date another person and it will get her off your mind. Why listen to me? because the exact same thing happened to me. She left me after over a year and the guy she left me for told me they had sex. Eventuall i found a way to get her off my mind. Try to see other people and hanging out with friends as much as possible. The two options im speaking of is Move on completley or try to get her back. Both ways need to be approached the same way howver trying to get her back is more risky as it might just end up hurting worse.
Give her space and dont give her nearly as much attention as you use to. Dont go crying or begging to her to take you back. Dont even think of ways to get her back, Eventually you will be able to (Atleast) cope with it.
My story is she broke up with the new guy and she wondered what i was up to because we never checked up on eachother. And being such a big part of her life she felt as if she had to. When she asked what i was up to i always acted as if i was busy. Not as if i was uninterested but as if i didnt feel like showing any interest. Girls want what they cant have. I eventually got her back pretty easy. In other words getting over her (or atleast making her think you are) is the only way to get her back.
She could break up with this guy and if what you guys had was really special then she will not forget you. If you bought her any presents or anything like that then she will see them and be reminded of the good times she had with you. All relationships are different and it will not pan out the same way mine did and it might take longer but there as long as this guy is not her prince in shining armor... he will make a mistake and she will dump him.
I cant promis you will get her back and its probablly not healthy to try to do this. The hope could destroy you even more. I just know if you do its the most satisfying thing ever. Getting her back is not easy with another man in the picture but it can be done
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): Thank you everyone for your helpful and encouraging words. I know that people go through this sort of thing all the time but it is so reassuring to be able to actually read about peoples experiences and advice.I just have to get through the next 6 months as then my rental time is up and i'm free to leave this little town for some bright lights elsewhere.I know things will improve with time. I'm not so devastatingly upset as I was a day or so ago (I'm man enough to admit I made myself physically sick with crying so much a couple of days ago!) Horrible thoughts still keep coming into my mind. I still am so troubled by images of them being intimate together. I lie in bed on my own (not really in the right space to have another woman in there just yet) and can't stop myself imagining them 'at it' only a few streets away. After all I know what my ex likes to do and she's a very 'giving' girl in that department! Now he's getting all that. It just feels so wrong. Yes, its like a knot in my stomach.I also remember the excitement and happiness she had when we got together, now she will be having that excitement with this new guy.I know this is just one of life's lessons that I have to learn, perhaps slightly later than a lot of people.I am trying to busy myself with other things although that is easier said than done with all this snow and ice.I do feel trapped as I don't want to go out because I can guarantee that I will see them sooner or later, i'm not even safe going to the supermarket (there is only one here!)I can try and get away for the odd weekend but that is difficult as I dont drive and public transport is so bad here.I do know that meeting another girl will ease the pain but I'm not the sort of guy who wants to jump into bed with anyone (and to be frank I really dont think I could 'perform' right now) and also I don't really have anyway of meeting new people. I guess that'll come when I move away.My self-esteem has taken a battering. I'm asking myself why he is better than me... more funny? better looking? more exciting? better in bed? bigger man-part...? and so on. I know these are unhelpful to me and obviously i'd never want to actually know the answers but i cant help but doubt myself.Anyway, I'm ranting again but thank you to everyone who took the time to write something. It really does help. Anymore comments are so welcome, whatever they may say."Keep your head up and be a great person. You will soon meet a girl with smiling eyes" has become my mantra, so thanks for that.I wont check through this for mistakes so sorry if parts of it are not readable.
...............................
A
male
reader, DeadEyeDick +, writes (9 January 2010):
 Im going to go ahead and throw my 2 cents in now, on Dec 3, my 8 year girlfriend, and mother of my daughter, out of nowhere ended our relationship, and I knew she was hot for another guy, and I know him, and he's a fucking dork! which made my self esteem shoot through the roof,and she didnt hardly wait a week before she was banging him, and yes Im just barely getting my appetite back, and still not sleeping normal, and thank god, the jealousy and heartache, is turning to anger and resentment(2 things im much more able to deal with then jealousy and heartache)I have bad days, and I have worst days, yesterday, I suprisngly felt indifferent, for the first time since it happened, believe me bro, I was in full fledged denial the first 3 days, I mean I wasnt even hurting because It hit me so hard, it didnt even sink in, and the worst thing to do is try and get head from another girl, whatever you do, save the embarassment, I go lift weights, and play basketball, and lots of jerking off! you'll get through it bro, fuck if I can you can!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): Please try hard to get over it. Busy yourself with anything.
You got to know if she left you she didn't feel as strong about you as you did her. The pain wont last forever!! keep your head up LOVE
...............................
A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (9 January 2010):
 Although it may not help your current state of mind, everyone here will say roughly the same thing - it's a question of time.
Remember the first time you went to school as a young child? Remember the times you were hurt physically playing with friends, or a sport? Remember all those silly things you did as a teenager, that YOU recall, but your friends do not? Remember your most embarrassing moment, ever?
In time, you overcame all the fear of being away from your mother for a day, you overcame the cuts and bruises, you grew out of the teenage phase, and you overcame that embarrassment.
All those things prove to me that in time, you will look back and smile, if not laugh, at how you are beating yourself up now.
We have all been there, those times when you can't eat, you can't sleep, you can't think about anything else except 'her'.
And yet - here we are now, those of us who have had our hearts broken. We are still living and breathing, we're still able to hope and dream about every imagineable scenario that our minds can conjure. We still wake up every day and look FORWARD.
The knot in your stomach feels like it's killing you doesn't it? I know.
But believe me, every day, that knot gets a little looser, and a little less painful. In time, mental wounds heal, scars fade.
Look at all the answers, people here have BEEN THERE, and we know EXACTLY how you feel. We can only tell you that you will be a better man on the other side of the pain.
Hold your head up and be a great person. You will soon meet a girl with smiling eyes.
...............................
A
male
reader, uncle maine +, writes (9 January 2010):
Look at it this way. If you were not her first boyfriend then someone had her before you, and I mean had. So, let her go and find something do, too take the time, place, love,and sex you are not receiving from her.You can go back to school, get 2nd job,or take time to search for things that will help you relax."LIKE SOME NEW PUSSIES!" But also be sure to become friends with the women too.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): I really feel for you and your pain. It is so very hard to get through this. I feel you need to set yourself some easy action points to distract you - to be honest at this stage distraction is the only option. For example do you have anyone you can visit one weekend soon who lives in a different town. Can you plan a day away? Throw yourself at something new, volunteer or do a fund raising challenge? Take up a random hobby they would not be involved in? Have a dinner party or just pizza and a beer round your place with friends. Try and fill your diary with all kinds of things. If you still feel this bad in a month it might be worth you getting some counselling - we all need to talk things through. Don't beat yourself up over feeling so bad - its time to be kind to yourself instead. Treat yourself well with respect it is important your esteem is nurtured. I think the images of them being intimate will pass as you find other things that are important. Eventually in meeting someone else the whole transition will be complete.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): Mate I feel your pain, I really do, i've been through the same situation, except knowing the new guy part. Matter of fact im in the process of splitting up with a girl now, who I also thought was the girl of my dreams until recently, let yourself cry if you want, tell family about the situation, if your friends are anything like mine they'll tell you to find someone else..... yeah right.Best thing to do is delete her num, Facebook, any other way of getting in contact, its gonna tear you up more, stay single and make yourself feel happy eg get yourself down the gym and feel good, as hard as it is to believe somebody else will come along, just be patient and positive, go to places you KNOW she wont be at... anyway good luck pal
...............................
A
female
reader, lola16182  +, writes (9 January 2010):
It's the absolute WORST feeling in the world, I know, I've been there. And to be completely honest there was nothing I could do and no one had advice for me either they were all just "get over it you'll be fine"The only thing that worked was time...it would hurt less after a while. The beginning absolutely sucked! It felt awful every day. It took me about 2 or 3 months to be able to not feel sick anytime I thought about it.The only other thing I could suggest is writing out a PRO/CON list. It helped me because i wrote out everything good and bad about that person and the relationship. I looked at the cons when I got upset, and then I looked at the pros and realized they aren't the only person in the world that possess these qualities...In the meantime try and keep yourself occupied...do any sports or new activities? hang out with friends?
...............................
|
