A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, I recently got back in connect with my ex and we've been meeting up and things are just like they used to be when we were together. He calls us "friends" yet he has asked me to take his virginity. But what he doesn't realise is that sex changes things and brings back feelings, well for me anyway. I do want to get back with him, I've never stopped loving him I just don't know if he wants the same things as me. I don't know if I should have sex with him until I know his feelings are the same as mine. But I just don't know how to tell him I love him. Any suggestions?
View related questions:
my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 January 2012):
 @Crabman : you must be a true romantic , an idealist and a pure at heart. I love your attitude.
It's just not very accurately representative of what really happens.
- We all still think about our " first " !- All who ??
- " If she was her first , he would have feelings for her forever " ... says who ??
Wait a few years ( or decades ), ask around, and you'll see that your lovely , upbeat theory is very often amply disproved.
Plus, I think a woman would ( and should ) prefer the CERTAINTY of not being used right now to the possibility of beimg remembered with gratitude in the years to come...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): Crabman that's not how it works and you know it. If there was a chance of feelings he wouldn't have asked for an easy lay as friends. We both know sex doesn't make us guys have feelings. They have history, if he had feelings he'd know by now and wouldn't have risked losing her over something as stupid as what he suggested. Which is not something an intelligent girl with feelings for a guy would even consider. Fine if she had no feelings and was up for an easy lay too but that's not the case.
Look the chances of him falling in love with her after losing his virginity to her are so low as to be not worth the risk for this girl. The most likely scenario is he'd get what he wanted and perhaps the try and get her as a fuck buddy to "teach him the ropes" or something like that but that's not going to work out well for the OP.
...............................
A
male
reader, Crabman  +, writes (10 January 2012):
 @CindyCares I didn't just mean she should "throw him a free 1"
I noticed she said "I don't know if I should have sex with him until I know his feelings are the same as mine"
his feelings probably aren't the same, but if she was his first he would have feelings for her forever & maybe thats close enough,
maybe that could start a new thing for them
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): Haha I love Crabmans suggestion. Why aren't all women that charitable to us guys? If we all got to bone any girls who were our friends, girls we never had to commit to and every girl was on board with this, there'd be no wars, just saying.
He could approach the next girl after the OP then with the line "my first was pretty crappy, she got all emotional and shit afterwards. I mean a REAL friend would let me use them for sex. So come on baby, be my second, my first let me do it why don't you? You know how it is the first time I was awkward and crap but now that I know how it goes I can be good for you and besides she started adding feelings to equation and trying to make me feel guilty but I said friends all along so that's not my problem."
I'm being a bit sarcastic by the way OP. The reason most women don't do things like this is they value themselves too much to give something to someone who is not going to give them what they need back. The intelligent ones won't cave either because they realize there will be no positive outcome for them.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 January 2012):
@Crabman : remember the OP is a girl, not a charity for horny youngsters:) What's in it for her ?She gets to show his EX the ropes and give him a self confidence boost.. so that he can move on more confidently, and without the V card, to other girls that he won't see as " just friends ".Bad deal.
...............................
A
male
reader, Crabman +, writes (6 January 2012):
dont wait too long , because he wont !
if he is a virgin then he will always love you if you do ,
~ we all still think about our "first" !
do you want to be remembered for ever ? put in an amazing performance & ruin him for other girls !!
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (6 January 2012):
 Even if it is him that is the virgin - still not a good idea. He is still using you, he obviously just wants to lose his virginity ASAP and you are the best available option.
You need to make things clear with your ex that you love him and want him back - if he doesnt feel the same then you need to move on once and for all.
I am pretty sure he is just looking to lose his virginity as quickly as possible in a FWB type situation, and you fit the bill perfectly. So be very careful here - it seems like he is trying to use you for sex.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 January 2012):
NO !
Duh.
Having sex with this guy will inevitably bring back feelings, but since you are far from sure he wants you back as gf again,... why bringing up feelings when quite possibly you'll have to push them back and move on, instead ?
Or , do you want to be sucked in into some messy sad FWB situation ?...
Don't do it. If you want to try patching up with him , the only thing is being brave and sincere, and telling him.
Risking rejection of course, but at least you won't be in a limbo and wide open to be used then discarded.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 January 2012):
 Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.
it's simplistic and not totally 100% true but it's point is that women use being physical to show they are being close and intimate.... it's not like that for men (in general)
I would not sleep with him in order to make him feel things for you... it won't happen...
I read recently that women fall in love when they are with the man they love, MEN fall in love when they are MISSING the woman they want to be with...
no wonder relationships are so hard... we are wired so differently....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): Let's make one thing perfectly clear here first OP. Sex will not make him fall in love with you, it will not make him have feelings for you, so don't think that by giving him sex that will make him give you what you want because it won't and you'll just feel used, cheap and hurt.
You have conditions you need to be met before you get in any way intimate with this guy and if you don't ensure that these conditions are met first then you're going to get royally screwed over.
"I don't know if I should have sex with him until I know his feelings are the same as mine."
If you don't know then you shouldn't.
Look you love this guy, anything other than him loving you back and getting back together is not good enough is it? Anything less than that and you're going to get hurt.
Take it easy for a while and tell him quite simply you're not going to have sex with someone you're not in a committed relationship with. That's it OP, that simple. You don't have to tell him you love him to find out whether he loves you. You just have to make sure he knows that he'll only get the goods if you two are in a loving committed relationship. Do not back down from that condition, do not give in and think for one second that sex will change how he feels or will make him love you, you know that's not the case. So to ensure he isn't just back in your life trying to sweet talk you into an easy lay, you have to let him know that you won't sleep with him or anyone else outside of a loving relationship and you're not some meat puppet he stick his willy in and then walk away.
Do not deviate from this, do not get carried away and don't get drunk and be somewhere private where he can talk the knickers off you or he will break your heart into a million pieces.
Keep all meetings to public places or places where you are with friends. Do not go off with him alone. So far all he's talked about is being friends and having sex. You don't want either of those things. You want a loving boyfriend to make love to. Not a friend who wants easy sex from you.
Thusfar you both want different things, until he proves he wants the same thing as you then don't give in, if you compromise your own wishes here OP you will get destroyed by him. Don't let that happen.
So it's easy. Next time he brings up sex just laugh and say "Jaysus is sex all you can think of? because it sounds like that's all you want from me." he'll probably say "of course not I want us to be friends etc." "yeah well lets stop talking about sex then because I don't have sex with my friends, sex ruins friendships, I only have sex in committed loving relationships." Even if you've had plenty of casual sex OP, you need to tell him it's not your thing anymore because you have too much emotion invested in it this time.
Good luck and don't let him sweet talk you into anything, it's all well and good that he may say lovely things in the heat of the moment but only time and actions will tell if he wants you in the way you want him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's his virginity in question. I'm not a virgin but. I probably should have mentioned that in my question.
Thanks for your answer x
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (6 January 2012):
Definitely dont lose your virginity to him - I get the feeling he is just wanting to use you for sex. He has been deliberately saying you are 'friends' to make sure you dont get the wrong impression, if he wanted you back he would have been trying damn hard to get you back, not just saying you are now 'friends'.
What you need to do is explain that you are only going to lose your virginity to someone you love, who loves you in return and when you are in a long term stable relationship. That way you are 100% crystal clear to him that you will not have sex with him unless you are in a relationship. If he wants you back then this will be the time for him to tell you. If he carries on with this 'friends' thing then it is clear he just wants a FWB with you, in which case you need to cut him out of your life and move on.
So the next time he brings up taking your virginity, you need to say exactly what I have said above - and see what he says.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
|
