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*ngelbbabe7490
writes: Dear Cupid,I have now been single for 10 months. I ended my last relationship due to finding out that my ex of 9 month had a drug addiction to percs and occasionly usued anonomys drugs. With built up hostility I forbid to give him another chance because I would have never gotten involved with someone with the problem in the first place. As of today he has been clean for 8 months and is enrolled in the marine corps. His life has turned around completly but my theory is that there are so many people out there that deserve a chance, so why should I give him another one? I refuse to ever get back with him because I am still slightly disgusted by the truth of the whole situation.I still talk to him because he is persistant with phone calls. He has recently asked me to come to some formal dance in Las Vegas to celebrate the birthday of the Marine Corps. He informed me that it is almost like a prom and if I do not go with him he has 3 other girls in mind. However, he said that I deserve to go because of everything he had put me through in the past.When he comes back home I am usually the first person he sees with or without a phone call. He comes off to be a little possesive and has once told me that no matter where I am, if I have a boyfriend or if I am married with kids he will persist to come by. I find this to be a bit creepy and I have no sexual desire towards him at all. He tells me that I am awesome, he misses me and I was the best thing that ever happened to him.Latley I have been seeing someone. However this certain someone goes to college 3 hours away. We do not have a serious relationship but he is so much fun to be around and he gives me that butterfly feeling that I have not felt in quite some time.Now my question is..What am I to do in this situation. Some say ignore his phone calls, which I find to be rude. My mother told me to go to his dance and to bring her which would definately ease some tension. He told me that he would pay for my ticket there and back.I have never been to Vegas. I know I could have a good time over there but I just do not know if it is a good idea or not. I need some words from the wise. Any response would be GREATLY appreciated :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2009): Please be careful. And please understand, when someone is this obsessed they do not know how to love. You are a 'possession' and 'only' his feelings over-ride everything. A healthy love interest does not do this. A person who is healthy thinking and truely loves you... allows you space, independence, respects you, trusts you, encourages your autonomy, supports you emotionally and is generous and deeply caring toward you. In order for you, to have some peace in your life, you will have to be strong and take measures to stopping his'stalkerish' behaviors.
Glad to hear you will ignore his calls, completely. If you have call display..take note of when he's calling you. If he does get through to you, take note of times, date he calls and document everything that is being said to you. This information is important, in case you need to protect yourself, through legal means. You may have to look into getting a restraining order, if he can't take no for an answer, or gets too close. Next, no matter the efforts and expense to you, please change your phone numbers, as well as changing the locks on your door.
I'm serious...protect yourself and by setting tough boundaries, you are now standing up for yourself. Hopefully if you do, he'll get the message and back off. Sometimes, in life we have to call the 'bullies out' and confront them through legal ways. Most of them turn tail and run.
Whatever you do, do not ever confront him or even say a word to him. It will only reinforce his motivation and he'll harass you even more. You need to do everything you can possibly do to protect yourself and get him out of your life. Not an easy task...get the police involved, get support and guidance from your family--let them know what you are doing. This man will 'haunt you' for a long time to come...so you have to cut him off at the pass and let him see you mean business..it's gone on, long enough.
By reading your followup. I get the impression, you are a nice person who doesn't like to upset others? If you are this way, you need to learn to be more assertive, much more stronger, when people treat you like this. Never, ever be afraid of hurting someone's feelings when they themselves treat you like a possession, rather than a individual who should be respected. Take care, girl
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reader, angelbbabe7490 +, writes (17 October 2009):
angelbbabe7490 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you everyone for the responses! He has a clear obsession over me and it really does get on my last nerve. However, even if I do cutt off contact with him and stop answering the phone calls there is no doubt in my mind that when he returns home in November he will continue his stalking behavior and show up at my doorstep. I have clearly moved on with my life and so has he but his mind is left in the gutter and he continues to think there is a chance no matter how many times I tell him there will never be a chance for him. Overall Im sure the drugs have had an everlasting effect on him because what I tell him still does not process. You are all a very big help and I know that if I stay in touch with him it will only cause me drama in the longrun. This problem may be everlasting but I will try my best to make it through!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009): Let's start here. I am seeing a lovely person here who seems to be drawn to a man, who she says, HE has nothing to offer her, anymore. You may need to really learn what it is about 'you' that keeps you reeled in and attached to this man and about the toxic cycle you are immersed in with him. That is what he sees in you and that is what keeps him calling you.
Sometimes, women get into that dreaded pattern of choosing loser men like you did. And due to self-esteem issues, they never get away from that. But you were strong and you got away, but....not completely. He's still there ..hovering and waiting in the wings for you. So why is that? Why does he still have this 'hold' on your life? You are the 'master' of your own life, you make your own happiness. You say you are dating a new guy, you are attracted to. Plainly, you did take a good look inside yourself and realized that you do deserve a great guy.
So do you go to Vegas? No, not a good idea, to give this man any indicators of one iota of hope with you. You clearly spelled that out in your posting. You state you are not sexually attracted to him and you find his persistant behavior a "bit creepy". While I commend him for getting his life back on track, he left some 'casualties' along the way, to getting there. And the one person, who suffered through it all, was you.
You do not want nor need anything he has to offer..plain and simple. It's over and as long as he's creeping around in the 'back halls and the wings', of your life...he will be a pain in the butt. He will interfere with all subsequent relationships you will have, in the future. He already told you that. The guy is a creep, he's definitely got a stalker mentality...which usually means he has huge, huge issues..with self-entitlement, possession and not knowing proper, respectful boundaries. The guy doesn't want a loving, giving, equally fair, decent relationship. All in all, you need to stop engaging your ego here, and your 'pity' for him and give him his final walking papers. If you can't then you are 'stringing him along' and that's pretty weak and a cruel thing to do, as well. Don't sink down to that level. You really need to end it..clean and simple. Boldly communicate here...tell him that , in a strong, straightforward manner. I truely wish you the best, hun...good luck and seek happiness without this guy in your life...take care
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reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (17 October 2009):
 If you have no real feelings towards him, then tell him to find another girl.Love requires a great deal of trust and emotional commitment. I don't see either of those present. His drug use turned you off and you ended your relationship with him. Even if he's clean for 8 months, addiction is a lifetime issue, and obviously you don't want to be a part of that.Its not fair to either you or him to continue along this path. He's cleaned up his life, and its certain he can find a woman that wants him for everything, including love, companionship and emotional support. You, however, have already decided in your mind to move on.But if he doesn't see that you don't want him back, then he's got problems.Its not creepy that he cares about you. But you have to ask him to forget about you, if in fact you don't want him to be a part of your life anymore.As for your mother's offer, why would you do something you don't want to do? If you don't have any feelings for him, then let him go and tell him to let you go. Let him take one of the other girls to the dance. He needs space and so do you. Good luck
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 October 2009):
Call his bluff. He says he has 3 other girls in mind? Let him take one of them instead. If he wanted you, there wouldn't be 3 other girls and that is it. As for ignoring his calls because you think it's rude, you're asking for trouble if you continue to answer. If he wanted you, he'd be after you and wouldn't have 3 other girls in mind. As it is, your a toy who keeps answering and therefore is still open to him. Stop contact.
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