A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Well this is kind of a mess of a story but about a week ago my ex boyfriend randomly contacted me through facebook and for the past few days we've been just catching up and chatting about old times, our family, etc. Nothing sexual or flirty whatsoever, but he did re-apologize for his breaking up with me and said I was a great gal, he seemed very genuine.We broke up not too long ago, about 4 1/2 months ago. I would have to admit I still have unresolved feelings for him and still hurt over the break up, but nothing crazy.I thought since he contacted me, then he probably wasn't seeing anyone, and honestly (and stupidly) I guess I got the wrong message from him. Based on the context of the conversations, I was thinking he was trying to re-connect but that didn't turn out to be the case.I found out a few days after having been talking with him, that not only has he been in a relationship for the last 3 months, but she lives with him and they are very happy together. I was caught off guard by that and then wondered to myself why he contacted me in the first place, but I guess I should have known better.I feel very stupid talking to him again in the first place and for keeping false hope of having him again. I should have just ignored his message. I honestly don't think he intentionally did this to upset me, I guess he just wanted to see how I was doing and that's it.He seems as if he wants to establish a friendship and let the past go but after this I realize I'm not at that point. I don't think I'm over him considering I got excited when he messaged me stupidly thinking he possibly wanted me back.Do I just be open and up front with him about how I feel and let him know why I don't want to continue speaking with him, or just simply block and avoid him? I feel like an idiot but maybe I was in the wrong here.I mean I don't think I should continue talking with him, don't you agree? And I would have to guess his gf knows about this if she lives right with him. I still love him so this is very hard.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 April 2016):
 I think you should just tell him that you don't find contact with him appropriate since he has a new girlfriend already, and that you are not ready to be friends.
I guess he was looking for closure, needed to get some things off his chest. I say this, because I have done this too. I didn't bring up me dating someone new either, because I thought that would just come off as bragging and rubbing their nose in it. I mean, if you wanted to know if he was single or not, you should have just asked. I don't see this information as something that naturally comes up when talking with an ex, simply because it makes the conversation awkward.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 April 2016):
 Maybe I am too suspicious but I tend to agree with the anon male reader. I am a bit skeptical about the possibility that your ex just wanted to be nice and polite, and find out how you have been doing etc. Maybe ; but maybe the initiative is not so innocent. Particularly because , if he just wanted to catch up for friendship sake , it would have been normal at least to mention, on passing, that he is seeing someone new. Often omissions say more than actual words.
Anyway- it's irrelevant. You don't have to worry about what he wants or thinks or hoes. You have to worry about yourself. Do you think that staying in touch with him will only reopen old wounds and slow down your efforts for moving on ? Then just ignore him. Stop replying, or block him altogether. The fact is that , even if he only wants to be a friend- which, again, I doubt - still friendship is not a right, or an obligation, or something that's owed because of a shared past. Friendship is a gift, frealy bestowed upon whom we want, according to our own judgement and circumstances. Yours, atm, disadvice a rekindling of any kind- explanation not mandatory.
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A
female
reader, wrathykins  +, writes (11 April 2016):
 It was very selfish of him to contact you so soon after the break up. I wouldn't tell him anything about how you feel, as mentioned, don't give him the satisfaction!!
You can't have any contact with him until you are 100% over him, as it'll make it harder to move on. Block all contact for now, and forget about him. He's moved on, you should too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2016): You simply block him. How would you feel if he was still your boyfriend, and contacting his exes?
You may have no particular sympathies for his new girlfriend; but now that you know he's in a relationship, it's best you move on. Especially knowing you still have unresolved feelings. You're reopening fresh emotional wounds that are in the earliest stages of healing. Never pick at emotional scabs. They won't heal correctly.
From now on, always question the motives of an ex. It's neither paranoid nor cynical. That is how you properly guard your feelings. At the very onset, ask what suddenly urged them to contact you. You must show some discernment and maturity. You can't always romanticize as you did as a teenager. You're now an adult. Use common-sense, good judgment, and reason. Don't just react emotionally to these kind of situations.
It is understandable that you would given-in to the impulse to accept his contact. You have to gain control of your feelings well enough to protect them. He can't always be your weak-spot, or you'll never get over him. If he is aware of that, and has even a molecule of a manipulative personality; he will use it against you.
If you're not over an ex; you cannot just be friends. Especially when they already have your replacement, and your feelings are raw about it. Playing games with your own feelings makes no sense. There shouldn't be a post asking what you should do, if you know he has a live-in girlfriend. Common-sense says, block him and ignore him forever.
The lesson in all this is, do not speculate as you did; because your emotions will get the better of you. You will create unrealistic scenarios in your mind; that have no factual basis. Wishful thinking takes over. You're still vulnerable; so any word from him will trigger sentiment and cravings for the comfort of the past relationship. It ended for a reason, and it is dead. Always keep that in mind.
He apologized? Fine. Let that be your closure. This is the end of that story. Close the book and put it away. Get on with your life, sweetie. You've got healing to do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2016): As a guy I have to suspect that maybe he's becoming less enamored with his current girlfriend as he gets to know the person she really is (which is why one shouldn't be shacking up so early in a relationship), and he's looking to exploit your unresolved feelings for him (of which he's probably very aware) by making you his backup plan/safety net.Not saying it's necessarily the case here, just offering a guy-centric possibility for you to consider.Also, I can't help thinking that if he's already shacking up with a girl he claims he's been dating for three months then he may have been seeing her while you two were still together.Not saying that's what happened, just offering another guy-centric possibility for you to consider.In any event he seems to be someone without whom you are better off. Just say it's best that you cease communicating because you don't want to come between his current girlfriend and him.
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A
female
reader, allthatjazz +, writes (11 April 2016):
 I won't give him the satisfaction of knowing he still has some form of power over me especially in this case where he doesn't seem to be forthcoming. He has his own reasons for opening the communication lines again, but it's something you should not be concerning yourself with at this point considering that you're still trying to regain your bearings. It's too soon to be having that kind of chat with him, so I will sever the ties in the meantime. Give yourself time to recover.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 April 2016):
 I would just block him for now. IF you aren't ready for friendship and aren't rally sure WHY he contacted you again, there is no need to tell him anything.. NO need to rub his ego any further.
Block and move on.
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