A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice please.I was with my boyfriend nearly 2 years and the relationship was great, we had so much in common and were lovers but also best friends. I have abandonment issues and eventually started to self destruct until, after weeks of arguing over my unfounded belief he was cheating he dumped me. he wanted to stay friends but I found it really difficult because I still had feelings for him. He started talking to a girl he went out on one date with 10 years ago. She is nothing like him and they didn't see each other again after the date. He swore to me repeatedly that he wasn't in contact with her again and wanted to stay friends with me. I am 100% certain he is. It got to a point last week where we were arguing and he reported me to the police for harassing him. A few days earlier the girl I think he's speaking to also made up a false allegation of harassment against me and ii was arrested. has anyone has any experience of this? I feel so betrayed by him. He wanted to stay friends, I had been there for him recently when he had issues with his family we had both been in contact with each other, I saw him 3 weeks ago and he kissed me in the lips...how can he then do this to me?? Is he being manipulated by her???..I am devastated that he can be so mean to me!!!!
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 June 2017):
 Have you blocked him yet? Or have your legal counsel not advised that yet?
"Heresay information" Is usually from a 3rd (or more after the matter handed down information), but in many cases so are he said/she said cases regarded. At least from what I have read.
If you didn't ACTUALLY harass, stalk or spam him I doubt it will go to trial. But I would talk to your legal counsel about "character assassination". By being WRONGFULLY (if that is the case and outcome) being accused of harassment it can complicate YOUR life legally and I wouldn't let him get away with that.
Unfortunately, the laws pertaining to online/phone harassment is still a gray area in many places. All you can really hope for is to get vindicated and REMOVE those people from your life.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 June 2017):
 Well, regardless of the fact that you could, and should, have blocked him and deleted him even if he pleaded to stay in touch.- let's define " stay in touch ".
It's very possible that your ideas about what constitutes staying in touch between two exes are widely different in ref. to both intent and frequency/ quantity.
I doubt that he wanted to stay in touch to argue , and to let you challenge his dating choices or demand explanations about them. That's something that does not belong to the sphere of influence of an ex, even when the break up was totally amicable.
Then there's quantity of contacts- quantity is always relevant.
Like, there's nothing wrong if you like Frappuccino. But if you drink 20 Frappiccinos a day, then we have a problem. And if to get your 20 Frappuccinos you insist in visiting a Starbucks from where you have been previously banned, then we have a big,big problem.
You say that the police will see from your cell that the calls were both ways. I hope for you that they were also balanced in number. Because if you have one incoming call from him, and ten calls going out TO him- then you are in hot water. After all, he might have needed to contact you occasionally--- to tell you to leave him alone.
Ditto for the emails. You were still in speaking terms, you had not blocked each other, so it does not signify much if he emailed you too. It depends though from how much and WHAT you have written to him, I hope for you that he can't show ten furious messages ranting and raving about his wanton ways and the wicked coworker. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned ", but the book by which the police goes... is not Shakespeare's.
Please don't feel as if DC Aunts are ganging up on you. We don't know you and it is also possible that you are a helpless victim of a terrible set up. But, logic says to keep the probabilities into account. And the probabilities is that the police, with all they've got to do, would not even have accepted to open an investigation UNLESS your bf had given then some piece of evidence at least as a starting point.
I think it is possible that in perfect good faith and with no malicious intent, you may have trespassed the limit of what' s acceptable, by common consent and perhaps alas by law, in the case of a somewhat messy breakup like yours.
In any case, so even if the accusations are totally and maliciously fabricated - it is in your best interest to break any further contact whatsoever both with your ex and with your coworker.
IF the accusations have no legal grounds to stand on, you will be cleared of any wrong doing. But however it goes, you clearly get no advantage and no benefit from exchanging even one more word with your ex ( who, if he actually pressed false charges and fabricated a lot of lies just to piss you off , is a dangerous nutjob which you have no reason to regret or to miss ! )
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks honeypie
In the UK if someone makes an allegation of a domestic nature it gets investigated, malicious or not. That's why we have so many false allegations, so people can get parental custody etc. I can assure everyone on here that this is a false allegation and up until last week he was even putting kisses on the end of a text, three weeks ago he was thanking me for being there for him when he was going through a tough time with his family, I have told him it does not matter to me who he's seeing or if he's seeing anyone or not, he says it matters to him.....that was just before he was seen with this girl he denies seeing for # years, oh and just after he told me that if he was lying to me that his daughters would be involved in the next terrorist incident in London....nice eh
Finally, hearsay comes from a third party not the "victim"
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 June 2017):
 So, you feel betrayed by him, you describe your own process as "Self-destructing", and you've had two separate harassment charges filed against you, not to mention you admitted (and I'm not twisting your words) that you assaulted him for "weeks" with unfounded accusations of cheating, culminating with his decision to break up with you.
The details you're giving now don't fit with your original story, but one thing caught my eye:
You say that this girl is your CO-worker?? This is all the more reason to leave these two alone forever, and I mean cut off all contact of every single type, because you're putting your professional life at risk. Bosses and human resources have a zero tolerance for co-workers calling the cops on each other because of romantic entanglements, and it's because of self-preservation. In short, they don't want to deal with messy sexual harassment fights.
You REALLY stepped in it now, and your only shot is to END all contact.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your lengthy lecture you wish. Maybe I should give you a few more details. This is NOTHING like what happened to you and you still seem pretty upset so maybe you should be seeking help. I work with the girl. My ex used to work with us. I have never been friends with her. SHE approached ME at work in Feb and started randomly to enquire about MY relationship status. She then proceeded to tell me how much she hates my ex. She has alleged that she has been receiving unwanted calls..... She also states that I said to her "you k is all those calls your getting, it's not my ex"......why on earth would I say that???My ex kissed ME on the lips then told me he was really pleased to see ME. I have told him I will delete his number and wish him well and he has pleaded with ME to stay in touch... So rather than jumping to the conclusion I am the controller I think I it's the other way round..... Thanks annonymous. I have to wait for the investigation to progress now. They have my phone so can see the messages are two ways. I also sent them an email he sent me (without contact from me) 3 days before he had me arrested. This is malicious and prob a way to try and impress his new girlfriend
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (26 June 2017):
Leave him alone and get a good lawyer. If the chargers are false it will never get to court. But you'll know this guy is a duplicitous liar and someone you need to avoid.
If they aren't false the law will run it's course.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (26 June 2017):
 How can you get arrested for no reason at all and for no fault of yours? If that's the case then you shouldn't be writing here, you should be fighting the legal system!
I have a feeling though that there's more to what you're telling us.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 June 2017):
Unfortunately, all I had to do was read your post, and I can completely understand why they'd do that to you. I'm not trying to be mean, but I can only tell you the truth of what I saw in your post. I have several thoughts based on your quotes, and I'll number them. I feel like a doctor in telling you that this might sting a little:
1. "I have abandonment issues and eventually started to self destruct until, after weeks of arguing over my unfounded belief he was cheating he dumped me."
This is it right here. He isn't responsible for your abandonment issues. You shattered your relationship by forcing him to deal with your issues, which have nothing to do with him. You tormented him for WEEKS. You "self-destructed", and took it out on him. His dumping you was an exercise in self-preservation.
2. "He swore to me repeatedly that he wasn't in contact with her again and wanted to stay friends with me."
WHY did he need to swear ANYTHING to you?? You two BROKE UP! He could date the entire UK Women's Olympic Volleyball team without answering to you, because you and he are NOT TOGETHER!
3. You stalked this girl. Maybe not in the "bunny boiler" crazy form, but you know who she is, what she's about, most likely searched her social media, made contact with her, to the point where SHE was reporting harrassment even before you argued with him. I'm sure of that, based on the intensity of your argument toward him. SHE was NOT YOUR BUSINESS. What she is, who she is to him, none of that was your business. You saw her as one thing, and that was as a THREAT. Given your mindset of self-destruction and your hanging onto him and constant arguing with him over who see saw after you broke up prompted his call to the police.
4. You weren't "staying friends". You couldn't handle it. FRIENDS don't argue with other friends over who their date is. Friends don't kiss each other on the lips or demand emotional payback for "being there" for them.
I'm telling you this for your own good. You are toxic if you don't get help, SEPARATE FROM HIM, and deal with your abandonment issues. You're clinging to him, forcing conflict with this girl, and you're sucking the life out of him. HE IS making the message stronger that he wants nothing to do with you. Kissing him on the lips, "staying friends" when you're not acting like one, feeling betrayed even after a breakup? You need to get the message that you and he are through.
You need serious professional help before you cause your life permanent damage. Stalking and harassment convictions and restraining orders can have really bad effects on careers, loans, or anything social, especially in this information age.
Seriously, think logically here. HOW would she be able to file a harassment suit against you if she doesn't know who you are? Why are you anywhere in the vicinity when the two of them are out?? You were "sure" of him seeing this girl after you extracted some promise that he wasn't....care to elaborate on the steps you were taking to try to catch him lying??
I was stalked as a young adult by an ex who was toxic, and it was a truly terrifying experience that culminated in the police getting called. He was clingy until he smothered and controlled me, and when I broke up only a couple of months after we started dating, it was also a desperate act of self-preservation, as he started trying to isolate me from my friends and family and wanted me to quit my job, as it put me in contact with the public which included guys I would be tempted to cheat on him with. Oh, it's real, and I thought he was certifiable after the hellstorm that followed our breakup. At one point, I couldn't do my job without him shadowing me, walking into my work (I worked retail!), and watching me. I was lucky to have friends who are security guards and was allowed to park in the warehouse loading dock where he couldn't follow, as being stalked on my way to my car in a big parking ramp at 11pm is scary!
He called the cops on you because you are crossing the line with him. You can't handle friendship with him, so you need to get away from him and leave him alone, or you will get into serious trouble, because this obsessive nature of yours will cause you to cross even more lines. It has to stop NOW.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2017): It takes all types to make up a world, Best thing to do now is to walk away, He has the right to chat to any body he likes , when you bought went your own way and said lets be friends , that says nothing as ex's don't often talk to eachother again,
Best thing to do is put him in the past learn from the experance it will help to become a better person , if he has not blocked you from his phone and facebook or other by now I WOULD THINK IT STRANGE IF HE REPORTED YOU TO THE POLICE ,So if he has not you block him , Are you getting help with your abandonment issues ? Where are the police with a case against you are they saying keep away and all will be fine, Do they have any proof against you or is it just I said he said .
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 June 2017):
Yes, it would be interesting to know the other side of the story. What he did sounds rather extreme and unless he really brings you ill will, in a very bad, unhealthy way, I don't think he would have resorted to that, unless you had acted in a way that crossed boundaries. I am not saying that you DID stalk him, but you must have behaved in a way which which may have exceeded the limits of what you are expected to do within a normal social interaction with an EX, and he might have felt threatened / crowded / pestered.
You stress so much that he asked to " stay friends ", but ...1) friends do not keep bickering and arguing, and do not interfere , if not requested , in each other's love life. He is an EX, whomever he wants to date or pursue is no skin off your nose now, in fact a friend would wish him well and root for the success of his new relationships- because she, the good friend, would be moving on too, understanding that no romantic attachment is possible or appropriate now.
2 ) don't take it so literally ! " let's stay friends " is a common, polite catchphrase which only means " let's not be enemies, let's not give each other a hard time ": It does not mean that you'll carry on going out and talking and texting just like before, only without the sex- it means that you can be frienDLY and civil if you have to interact socially , not that you are free to create occasions for contact and physical or emotional closeness, because in fact he signaled that he wants his space and distance from you, - and you probably have not respected that.
Anyway, even if you had misunderstood the quality of this " friendship " he was offering you, even if he had intentionally led you on to misunderstand it !, your best choice was and is to let him be and move on.
It does not matter what he says, YOU can't do friendship with him now, as you know, because you still have feelings which exceed those of a platonic friend. So hanging on to him, even if he'd let you do that, would not be friendship, it would be a pathetic ruse to cling to someone who does not like you " that way " anymore.
A bit of pride, OP, come on. I can understand that you are hurt and disappointed , but love and friendshio too have to flow naturally both ways, they can't be forced , begged, bribed or extorted by nagging. Even if you managed to get some attention through sheer persistence ( and through , therefore, making a nuisance of yourself ) that would noy be love or friendship, that would be pity. Which I am sure you do not need, - you are not some pitiful object of charity. You are just someone who did not meet her match in this specific guy. So , let him be and think about making a happy life for yourself WITHOUT having to get emotional crumbs from this guy .
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (26 June 2017):
 I wonder what your boyfriend's side of the story would be if asked? Also his friend's?
Sweetheart, much as it hurts, you need to let him go and move on with your life. Given the relationship you had in the past, it is not really feasible for you two to be "just friends" at this point. You are still too attached to him to be able to view him in the same light you would a real friend. For a start, it has nothing to do with you whether he is dating this woman or not. You two are no longer a couple. He is a free agent. He can date who he likes.
He has made it as plain as he can that he does not want you "contacting" him. (YOU see contacting - HE sees harassment.)
Take back control so that you feel stronger and can hold your head high. Block or delete him and this woman wherever you currently can contact them, shake yourself down, take a deep breath and move on.
Have you spoken to anyone about your abandonment issues? Perhaps it would be a good time to try to come to terms with them before getting into another relationship?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 June 2017):
I don't think it's HER manipulating HIM - I think it's HIM using her for his own end.
The only REAL solution I can see is you changing your phone number, remove him AND her from any social websites etc and STOP having ANY kind of contact with them.
I do find it a little strange that you were arrested IF your BF/his "female friend" had no REAL proof of any kind, people usually don't get arrested on hearsay or he said/she said kind of things. So what is the full story?
WERE you stalking him/her and harassing? Or not? If not then there isn't going to be any charges that will stick and TOTALLY remove him from your life will end any LEGAL issues.
He isn't your BF anymore and you NEED to do what works for YOU after a relationship ends, not what works for the dude. Staying friends is rarely a good idea when you have had this kind of drama.
And if this is a pattern in your life to sabotage your relationships, maybe you need to consider getting some help with that? Before it ends up out of control.
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