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female
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*lair
writes: I am feeling incredibly guilty because I have been dreaming of an ex-boyfriend for about a month. Let's just say the dreams are not all platonic and it has caused me to begin thinking about him in 'real' life.I am married for less than a year and feel this is a bad sign, to say the least. I met my husband in Hawaii where I was living for a while. He is from Germany and we got married because we 'just couldn't live without one another.' I am American and moved to Germany for a while and recently moved to the UK. The moves have not really been that hard on me because I have lived many places, and our relationship is pretty great in all areas. Specifically the sex life is often wonderful, sometimes normal, but probably typical of longer term relationships... the problem may just be I haven't had too many. (I am quite young [almost 23] and my partner is 28.) The guy I am having re-occurring dreams of was one of my first 'loves' at the age of 15. We were together for a year at that age and later dated for 4 months at the age of 19 and three months at the age of 21. We broke up both times because I was moving; either for school or job reasons. We were not the best couple and mainly fascinated one another debating issues that we disagreed on. We liked to heat each other up about issues such as politics and religion and that could be compared to how we were in bed (later years of course). I have a bad habit of disconnecting myself with old boyfriends when I move and couldn't contact him even if I wanted to, so there is no possibility I would ever cheat.What does this mean? I feel so horrible that I can't talk to my husband about this and he knows something is on my mind. Is my subconscious rebelling against marriage? Help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): I have been married for five years and have a 3 year old child now. My old boyfriend and I have been broken up for over 12 years ans he still pops up in my dreams. I feel terrible. Bad thing is, i am still friends with his sister and know how to contact him. I have feelings I had when we dated and it was hot! Much hotter than in my marraige and I think thats what I am craving? I know if I made a bad move it would be the worst decision of my life. I also know that if I spoke to my ex I may change my mind about him becasue he was such an idiot! That's why I broke up with him so long ago. A real bozo. That keeps me away from him. Ugggg , its really weird.
A
female
reader, angelina +, writes (15 July 2005):
I do NOT suggest telling your husband about your dreams. No matter how strong the marriage, he will feel hurt and betrayed and may lose trust in you. I would suggest either keeping it to yourself, or confide in a few TRUSTED close girlfriends who you KNOW will keep it secret. They will probably have similar stories to share with you, and you will feel better knowing it is normal and common.I think what you are experiencing is normal. Relationships ebb and flow. You may be all over each other for awhile, then seem to lose interest for awhile, then be all over each other again. Now you may be in a down time, and naturally your body and mind is craving those romantic feelings, so it's digging up the tiny flames you still have burning for your first love. These feelings will probably never completely die, but that doesn't mean you aren't committed to your husband. Just ride it out. It will pass eventually, and then things will probably heat up between you and your husband again the way they used to. While your husband does deserve your fidelity, that doesn't mean you have to be a robot. Cut yourself some slack. You are just human.
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reader, NordicBeauty +, writes (8 July 2005):
WE have no control over what we dream.
Dreams cover several aspects;
1) Fears
2) Fantasies (we can fly or have special powers)
3) Relationships without closure
4) Passion
5) Sex
6) Family, friends & loved ones
7) Premonitions
Honey, don't feel guilty about your dreams.
This particular dream of you & one of your first loves from the past is HEALTHY...you need to EXPLORE it & come to terms with it, then you will have peace of mind.
Three phrases stand out in your story:
1) your fear of cheating
2) sex life with your husband is "typical of long term relationships"
3) my ex & I were not the best couple but liked to "heat each other up on issues we disagreed over"
Obviously, when you look back on memories of your past relationship at 15 years of age, the disagreements you had with your boyfriend HEATED you up & created PASSION.
Your present married relationship is "pretty great" in all areas but the sex is typical of long term relationships.
This implies the passion could be dwindling.
Finally, you have a fear of cheating, so your fears surface in your dreams, mixed with passion for an ex.
You are longing for more passion in your life !
It's WONDERFUL that your dreams are communicating this !
Now it's time for you to weave this dream into present reality.
Let me tell you, EVERYONE has erotic sexual dreams about the opposite sex...even same sex fantasy dreams.
You can bet your husband has sexual dreams about other women, but he keeps it to himself.
We were created as sexual creatures, so it's normal & healthy to be attracted to others & even fantasize, but we must remember to keep our feet planted in the real world.
I advise chatting with your husband about your dreams.
Keep it lighthearted & jovial...ask him about his sexual dreams with other women...what do they do in the dreams?
He may be embarassed at first, but let him know you have occasional dreams about ex's in your past...show him you have common ground & want to explore dreams as a couple.
If you have a solid relationship with this man, then the exercise of "dream exploration" should be exciting & fun!
You can both laugh about things you do in your dreams.
Once the dream is exposed, you will feel relieved & then you need to work on PASSION with your loving husband !
There are some great books at your local stores on how to re-kindle passion & romance in relationships.
(also books on interpretation of dreams)
There's also fantastic websites through search engines.
Fear not, sweet angel, your dreams are healthy & normal.
Pat on the back for you...for being brave enough to seek a solution to your problem....Bravo !!
All the best,
(((big hugs)))
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A
female
reader, jociandee +, writes (8 July 2005):
It is natural soon after marriage to doubt the huge step you have taken. People always talk about how difficult it is for men to deal with the enormousness of marriage but as you seem like a very idependent woman it does not surprise me that this all seems a little suffocating. Dreams & fantasies are just that. They are not real and are not meant to be related to reality, they are a world where what you want happens and nothing more. You only remember the good points of this boyfriend and probably not all the things that drove you mad about him. If you were meant to be together then you wouldn't have left or he would have come with you. Don't feel guilty just because the guy you are fantasising about has a name, your husband will dream about woman but that doesn't mean he will go out and sleep with any of them. You seem to have a really good marriage in reality, don't let the weird world of dreams make you doubt that. Trust yourself that you are with the right person. Good Luck!.
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A
female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (8 July 2005):
 You need to stop living in the past and concentrate on what you already have. You made the decision to marry your husband and start a life with him, if you continue to dwell on what might have been you will in turn ruin life with this man... Take time to reflect and see why you love your husband and why you dont really want to be without him and also find out what it is that you are craving.. maybe you and your husband need to find other things to do together and its that that you crave not another man... find a middle ground and concnetrat on your marraige or you could also lose your loving husband... give him a shot.. you say you couldnt live without each other thats a good thing... take it slwoly and grow together dont throw it away because of something that happend ages ago.. let it lie and concentrate in the here and now.
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reader, becky05 +, writes (8 July 2005):
You cant help your dreams, its strange sometimes the things the mind coughs up when we're sleeeping!I dont believe your dreams are a rebellion against marriage.You say that you and your ex werent the best of couples so im sure you dont want him back.Try not to worry about these dreams.
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