A
female
age
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*amhappy
writes:My gorgeous daughter is getting married in 6 months time, me and her dad divorced 11 years ago and he hasn't been around much. However, during this time I tried to be both Mum and Dad to her, his family stopped speaking to us about 9 years ago, indeed I bumped into my ex-sister in law 12 months ago and I asked her to come and see us and she said "We just can't". He has been with someone else for 10 yearsAnyway, I know my daughter wants her dad to give her away, however, he has insisted that all his family come to the wedding. She has agreed to this as she is scared of losing her dad again if she upsets him. During the last 10 years, my daughters anger at what her dad did, he walked out, causing us to lose our home, has been centred on me, she has hit me, shouts at me and has called me a whore whenever I went on a date. I decided years ago that it wasn't worth going out with anyone, to keep the peace, I occasionally went on a night out with my friends, meals, cinema, etc. but she decided that they were whores too and she didn't like them, so I stopped that. I just stay in all the time now, apart from work.I love her so much, but am hurt that her dad's family are coming to the wedding, as they have not spoken to me/her for years. I am used to being civilised whenever I have had occassion to meet up with my ex-husband, although he is nasty to me, for whatever reason - guilt at what he did?? Last time I went to a wedding of a mutual friend, he was with another woman and spent the whole time licking her ears and twanging her knicker elastic through her clothes, it was easier to disappear and come home. This is a tough one though, I can feel myself shaking inside at the thought of it. Anyone got any tips for making it easier on the day.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): Just remember this day is not about you , him, her, them it's about the bride and groom full stop. You should for this one day ONE DAY put all old hurts behind you..don't ATCH your x twanging his woman's knicker elastic..watch your daughter...sit with people you are happy with and concentrate on them after the wedding..don't put yourself in a position for him to be nasty to you...smile have fun..lay off the demon rum and keep MUM.this is your daughters day...simple.Good luckspunky monkey
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011): I have read your wall post, and I don't agree with how your daughter treats you. But as a daughter in a similar situation as yours I understand the difficulty of the situation. My mother and father split when I was 8 years old, a lot of things happened whilst myself and my sister were growing up that caused conflict between my father and my mothers side of the family, they hate him. My grandfather took on the role and is like a father figure to both myself and my sister.
I dread they day someone asks me to marry them, (if they do that is). This is because my grandfather, who I love to pieces has said he will not attend the wedding if my father is there. As a daughter, stuck in the position of possibly having to choose between them, I understand your daughters predicament, but at the same time I understand how you feel also. Although my grandfather has been more of a father to me, than my own, you only have one father. And to chose between them in something I never want to do.
I personally feel your daughters anger is because she's in a situation that is very difficult for her to decide between the people she loves. I don't think it is a reflection on you, I feel that she's stressed that she knows you wont feel to comfortable with her father and his family at the wedding, and doesn't know what to do nor does she want to tell anyone they can't come.
I find this quite weird, but I myself, have had arguments and conflicts with my mother, as in my eyes, no one is good enough for her, as I feel she deserves the best for the amazing person she is. Its easier for me to accept my dad having a girlfriend, as I don't have a strong bond with him, I find that because of my strong bond with my mother I care a lot about her and only want the best for her. Now I'm not saying I don't care about my father, because I do. Its just hard to accept another man into my mothers life as I'm scared she'll get hurt again.
At the end of the day its your daughters big day, and she loves you more than anything, as every daughter does. She wants you there, she NEEDS you there, while her father hasn't been around you've more than likely been the one stable figure in her life, the one that's always around. For you not to be there would put a downer on her day. I say hold your head high go to the wedding, ask friends to accompany you for moral support, be the bigger person and
enjoy how beautiful your daughters going to look and how proud of her you will be.
I know this reply may seem like its in favour of your daughter, I apologise for that. But as I find myself in a very similar situation, the one thing I would ask for is for everyone involved to come together for just one day and be civil. I think all her angers and frustration comes from knowing your discomfort and anxiety, who knows, once the weddings over, all this anger may fade.
Good Luck and I hope everything turns out all right for you, and your daughter.
x
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (21 August 2011):
 Oh sweetie...I really feel for you. You have completely let your daughter rule your life. Its one thing to want the best for our children, but to let her take over like she has is just really sad. But that is said and done. She will be married soon and now you will be free to spread your wings and set out on a whole new adventure. As far as the wedding goes, I've been there I know how annoying ex husbands are! ...I know its tough, but smile, be brave and put on an act good enough to get your an academy award for that day if you have to. Smile, smile, smile. Its 1 day out of your life, pretend like crazy in front of those people and then go home and scream if you have to. Then your obligation to your daughter is complete. You can do this ok? I know it sucks, but you've done everything for your daughter so far, so this will be the last thing you have to do if you want to. You've given far too much of yourself already honey. Its time for you to live for you. Just get through this day and move on. I wish you all the best!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2011): Hi,
i can totally understnd this sort of predicament, as myself; also like your daughter have divorced parents who have not been together since i was 15 (now im 29 approaching 30)
And i met the love of my life about 5years ago or so now.
We got engaged after 18months of being together and boy-was the wedding plans a chaotic mess.....
my wanderful stepfather (who i adore) said he wouldnt come as in my culture it would be very disrespectful for him to go as my mothers partner when my father was going to be giving me away.
Alot of my mothers side decided not to come due to my fathers side, alot of my siblings werent coming due to my father, and alot of my husbands clan wasnt coming due to their own family -rifts with some people that were going to be there from there side!!!
O.M.G i know! in the end my fiance' and i cancelled the entire day and elope lol!!!!
it was just to much to handle....
my point is that she has asked her father to be there, she wants you also to be there, his family have agreed to be there and im prseuming some/or alot from your side will also be going-so already the whole lot of you are raising for the occasion, as you know that it is still her day afteral so to put aside family differences for weddings/ceremonies etc; is incredably important.
Just be the bigger person; seriously.
turn up in an amazingly elegant dress, socialise with 'everyone' showing them that you will not one; either be intimidted by her fathers family, and number two; you will not be made to feel uncomfortable or unwanted at your own daughters wedding!
You gave birth to her afteral, in my culture with the exception of the bride-you 'as the mother' should actually be treated as the most important person on the day,
as you are her creator so she owes you her life at the very minuimum.
Im very sorry to hear how disrespectful she is to you shes completely out of order but raise above it and know by being there and having a bloody good time you will show people that you are the bigger person.
Hope this advice hepls.
Good luck & enjoy your daughters big day, afteral she would not be having it if it werent for you bringing her into this world and dont be afraid to say mentoin that to her once in a while.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 August 2011):
OP, you're putting a very brave face on your life right now. When I read your post, I came to the conclusion that it was not so much about your daughter's wedding day, but actually about your own life. I wonder if you're actually crying for help far more than you realize.
The wedding is surprisingly easy to deal with. As was once told to me "you turn up, you look smart, you say your bit, you smile when you need to, you accept BS with good grace, you go home and that's it".
So that's my advice on the wedding. Look smart, smile, send your daughter on her way and go home.
When you get home after this wedding, take a real good look at your life. You strike me as a woman who has given everything to your child, that you've now got little for yourself. It's unacceptable that your daughter should have had so much control over you. You are allowed on dates, you are allowed friends. Her treatment to you has been horrific, and sadly echoes her father's treatment of you.
But, she will soon be a married woman, and her husband can take the lion's share of the crap.
I know how much you love her, and have nothing but admiration that you didn't go round the twist or entirely turn on her. But I think if you read your post back to yourself, you'll see that this is not about your daughter - it's about you needing to really go out there and live your own life. Sometimes, society spends a bit too much time telling parents that they're not good enough, or sending parent's on guilt trips. You have been good enough, you have given it all. The time has come for you to live your own life.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (21 August 2011):
 Quite frankly I must confess I'm absolutely appalled at the treatment you put up with from your daughter.
Her disappointment and anger at her father for walking out on her and you is NO excuse for her to use physical violence on you, and dictate who you can - in this csse cannot! - socialize with. She isn't a child, and presumably wasn't when you divorced.
Your ex in-laws sound wondrful, too - not!
I feel I can only recommend that you let them all get on with it and don't bother attending the wedding yourself - or, if you must, go to the ceremony and stay a short while at the reception. After that, have nothing more to do with your ungrateful, ungraious, undeserving daughter, and build your own life - date who you want, go out with your friends, take a vacation and don't kow tow to any of em!
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