A
female
age
36-40,
*lcamaron
writes:I have a common problem with a specific scenario: I miss my ex, still, after three, nearly four years. It makes me feel like a weak and undeserving person.We met in high school my senior year while he was a sophomore and had a completely wonderful relationship. After graduating I moved away for college and we remained together long distance, staying on the phone for hours a day and I eventually saved enough money to visit him for the holidays. His family and my family disapproved of our staying together and made it a point to be difficult. After my visit I saved enough money to fly him out to where I was staying for a single week during the summer; skipping details, he told me he could not make it and that his family said they may let me visit for the Christmas holiday which was six months away. After sacrificing most of my freshman year of college trying to retain our relationship and being disgusted by how much I wanted to be with him yet was not able to (for possibly until he graduated) I broke down and asked that we not talk for sometime so that I could cool off. During that time I went out drinking with some friends and was introduced to a man who I slept with. I felt it wrong to lie and after avoiding my boyfriend for a week told him what had happened, after which he told me that I had ripped his heart out and we never spoke again. I couldn't call him out of my shame and ended up with the man from the bar.After three years of being with this man I am somewhat content, though we do not have a connection outside of the domestic roles we play out in each others lives. Despite having not talked to my ex, not stalking his facebook and never asking mutual friends about him I still feel the overwhelming depression that I ruined my only chance at happiness romantically and that I am deserving of my unhappy, current relationship. I don't want to feel this way and I know that it is unrealistic--that he and I are matured, different people now and that even if we were to meet again it would never be what I have created in my nostalgia. But the pain of what I did and want for what I had remains and is eating me up. It is especially hard knowing that there were no problems between us and that all conflict revolved around distance and maturity.How do I get over this? Should I talk to him? How can I rid this feeling of being pathetic when I'm too embarrassed to speak to the people that know the situation, let alone my ex?I don't want to interrupt his life, I know he has done much better without me but I cant seem to find closure.
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male
reader, GoodDog  +, writes (21 August 2011):
 Reading this brought back memories of a similiar situation I found myself in a few years back. I was with a girl for almost ten years, we got married, got divorced and we both went our seperate ways. I met someone else and lived with her for 5 years. However, throughout that time I realised I was still in love with my ex and after 5 years apart I contacted her...We met up for a coffee and chatted away for hours. She was in a happy relationship and had obviously moved on in her life. I didn't tell her how I felt, but just enjoyed the reminiscing and talking. It was like old times. That night, after we parted, I wrote an e-mail to her and told her that I still loved her. After some delay, she did reply and expressed her surprise that I still felt something for her. However, although she was being nice about the situation, she also pointed out that she was happy and, looking back now, I guess she only met up with me out of curiosity.I felt pretty low after that and really tore myself up over it for months. I felt like we had split up again and was re-living the pain of our divorce.So, I would say that if you feel you must contact your ex, then please tread carefully as you might end up feeling worse than you already do. I know it's a hard decision and you feel that explaining yourself might help, but sometimes it's best to just try and look ahead and we can't always get the closure we need.Sorry for the long reply here and I hope it works out for you.
A
male
reader, Kyle007  +, writes (21 August 2011):
I think you need to focus more on the fact that you are unhappy with your current relationship and less on the fact that you think the "ex" is the solution to that.
You can only assume that things would have worked out despite the distance and the family getting in the way. You have it perfectly made up in your mind the perfect relationship that could have been. For your own peace of mind, STOP assuming that.
Fix your current relationship. Tell him how you feel about the ex if you have not already.
If there is no love between you and your current partner, then end it.
You might want some time alone, away somewhere. Your current partner may just be a continual reminder of the ex.
And all in all, stop punishing yourself for cheating on him. I think you have sentenced yourself to enough misery over it.
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