A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I posted on here recently regarding problem with my daughter and her BF who is here 2/3 nights a week. I got some really helpful answers regarding him paying his way. However since that time, another serious problem has happened and I would desperately welcome any advice. I have asked them both on numerous occasions (probably over 300 times) to respect my peace and quiet and not make too much noise. They were coming back at 2am and waking me up, then making lots of noise and mess at all times of the day so I could never get any rest or sleep (I have a provisional diagnosis of MS and they know this and doctors have advised me to get enough sleep and avoid toxic stress etc ..). Today I asked her and her BF if they could get up and be washed and dressed by 11am as I was doing some work on the computer and needed the house to be fairly peaceful. At 11am her BF was still in bed (he only works part time and is 23) and she started crashing and banging loudly (she is 23) so i went upstairs to ask again if they could keep the noise down and she accused me of throwing away her college work (i didn't throw anything away as I don't go into her room apart from to take clean clothes in there which I leave on the bed). She then started screaming and shouting when I answered her back and called me a 'cancer' and said she 'i wish you'd just fucking hurry up and die'. She then said to her BF 'SHE has got 3 fucking minutes to get out of my face' and then charged at me to attack me. I called the police and they stayed here until she left but she refused to give back her key. I do not feel safe for my health having her here so I requested a 72 hour cooling off period and she told the police that she has nowhere to stay (this is untrue she does have places she could stay). I am really distressed. I brought her up on my own, as well as I could. I have always worked and did a degree part time, in addition to working then a masters degree but she paints a picture of me as an awful parent. She also said to me 'you are just here on your own and im bored of your illness and none of your friends can be bothered with you' (this is untrue as my friends are always asking me out/inviting me to their place etc.. but sometimes if im fatigued i tend to stay at home and rest and also i have a dog to look after etc). She is in her last year at Univ studying English and in many ways she is a nice girl who can be kind and generous but since she started dating unemployed men who have what i call an 'attitude' she seems to have changed and I feel sadly as though part of her is 'lost'. Her previous BF actually said to her 'i dont want to have a bath in a white person's house cos white people are nasty'. I found this offensive as I am white myself and am not dirty and have brought her up very well. Has anyone else been in this awful situation and if so do you have any tips/advice/strategies re how to deal with it. At the present time i have said to her she cannot come back here tonight. Thanks for reading and for any comments. Jane x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): Hi All, this is the original poster. Thanks again for all your help and support. I've asked my daughter to leave and suggested she takes up the offer of some counselling that was given. She is staying with her BF's sister I think. I sent her a text saying I can't tolerate the noise, mess and abuse and I advised her that it would be wise to finish her degree (she has only months left) but that it's her decision. I'm going to leave things alone for now and just focus on my health. To the young lady who also has a mother with MS thank you for sharing your story and I hope your mum is doing ok. So far I've been luck with mild symptoms and the neurologist is feeling positive but he advises against toxic stress etc .. I was also made redundant during the recession just after my diagnosis so I'm looking for a new job with less travel which was stressful and fatigue inducing. Thank you all again so much for taking the time to answer my post - it really helped me to put things into perspective. xx
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (8 February 2011):
Being a 23 year old girl myself and having a mother who has MS also I honestly do not understand your daughter's attitude.
Just reading what she said ("I'm bored of your illness and none of your friends can be bothered with you") and what she did (attacking you) makes me boil inside. She sounds like a teen, a bad one at that. The whole "no place to go" may still fly at 15, but at 23 she ought to know better.
You have your health to look after and studies have shown that lots of stress is bad for MS patients. After all these years of taking care of her, take care of YOU! She's a grown woman, not a kid. Kick her out and that damn boyfriend too. Let her come back when she's ditched him and thoroughly apologised, in that order. Get new locks on the door, if she still has the key.
I'm serious. If she were my sister I'd be deeply ashamed. Not to say you didn't raise her well; I know all to well how others can influence people no matter what you try.
Right now, she's risking your health with her petty tantrums. She's disrespecting you as a person and downplaying this horrible disease you have. My mom sometimes says it's worse than cancer. What your daughter said and did is despicable and if anyone should get out, it's her. I cannot stress this enough: throw her out, no matter how it makes your heart ache.
Put her stuff in the street/garage, ask a neighbour or a friend to help if neccesary. The only way she'll wake up is by throwing a cold splash of water in her face. This is it.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (8 February 2011):
 i am so very sorry that you are facing these challenges.
Your health and the road ahead and the support you need to set up for your care at home is more important than your adult daughter.
You did the right thing to call the police. Now call your local authority to see if there are programs set up to help people with M-S diagnosis, and get the locks changed now.
You can still love your daughter but not love her behavior. Because her behavior is not supportive of you nor supportive of your health needs. And her actions are a threat to you and horribly disrespectful. Your daughter is attracted to loser guys - like attracts like, and she may have to learn the hard way that her decision making is immature and out of line. And not supportive of you in any way.
Have you been assessed for in home care for a person with M-S? You don't have to be elderly to get in home care in your country. Find out from your Department of Health or social services what is out there to support you.
And I agree with advice here on your daughter's manipulative threat to defer her studies. Let her make her own decisions - she will be the one most affected by the decision.
And get an Enduring Power of Attorney set up now (for use later if required) but do NOT appoint your daughter as your potential P of A. As she has already demonstrated no respect for you.
Keep up with your network of supportive friends, if only via email.
Your daughter has some maturing to do. You are in a potentially vulnerable situation. And she has no role to play in your life until she grows in empathy, compassion, respect and consideration for her Mom. No more excuses for your daughter - she is an adult. Not a little girl, even if she's acting like a brat
The local authority may be able to assist
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): Miamine ahahahaha re dogs very funny - they're Huskies they dont bark they woo. I walk them properly, run them off lead so theyre tired and sleep soundly ... until some other cretin (usually my daughter's BF who is extremely clumsy and breaks everything) comes in and wakes them up!! in fact, the dogs actually behave better than the humans and at times really do seem to have more brains (i thought the dog trainer was joking when he first said it but apparently not!) :) maybe i should just live with a pack of Huskies!! theyre therapeutic too for my illness ...
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 February 2011):
 One last question.. it's been driving me crazy. How do you get your dogs to stay silent?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): I agree with most others here. She's acting like a PUNK! If I were there to witness it I would probably slap her for taking to her mother that way. I mean, WOW! How disrespectful. At 23 she should be standing on her own two feet. Not still living at home with mommy and bringing home sh*t-head guys to mooch off of you too. I hope one day she sees how horrible she has been and apologizes to you for it. She's in school- NOT HIGH SCHOOL! She should really be set straight and given the boot. You're probably conflicted by this but you've enabled her far too long. She's a grown woman. Face it and maybe she'll catch on too and drop the spoiled brat bullsh*t. Employ strong minded friends to help you put your foot down. I've been slapped by more than one of my mothers friend when I was younger for talking back or being rude to her. Your friends should back you up too. It taught me a lesson (or two) and I'm better off for it. But slapping isnt as acceptable as it once one so just a few strong words should work unless they're willing to spend the night in jail for ya. lol Good luck. Don't take the abuse any longer- she'll survive on her own, I promise.
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (7 February 2011):
Hi OPI am so sorry to hear about your situation. Your daughter's behaviour is that of a spoilt teenager not a young adult. It is very unfair for you to have to deal with this.You have already got a lot of good advice here. I just wanted to add in reaction to your follow-up, that you should in no way be swayed by her threatening to defer her degree for a year. That is entirely up to her, and the only person it is going to effect is her. If she is just doing it to try and manipulate you then just let her go ahead and do it. All it means is that she will have to work for a year to earn a living before going to uni. I can't believe that is what she really wants, but maybe she is using uni as a tool against you. This threat doesn't change the fact that she has behaved in a way which is unacceptable to you. Don't give in to her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): My sister, when she was 24 did a very similar thing to my mom, I mean the nasty arguing and violent attack attempts. Mom had enough and decided that my sister couldn't live in her house anymore. She found her own place and eventually apologised, and now (she's 30), whenever she comes over, she knows her place and behaves, or at least truly tries. So,what I think is that if you put your foot down and make her move out, you are showing who's still the boss and earn back her respect.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): Miamine: regarding the last boyfriend, my worry is that he has influenced her so strongly that his ignorance has somehow got entrenched into her. He did not believe in work etc., etc., and since being with him she has changed drastically....for the worse. It's not a question of painting her as evil, but more a case of wanting to get some objective impartial advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): Hi thank you so much for your answers. To Caring Guy no her real father is not in her life and she hasn't seen him for 15 years. They did recently contribute some money and she can be quite generous if she feels like it but then she feels as though she as 'purchased rights' almost, seemingly including the right to be rude. I have asked her to leave. It is her previous boyfriend that was racist and this current one seems to be a bit better than the last one but he is 23 and only works part time. I am very very distressed so I was really appreciate to read your supportive answers. She is now threatening to defer her degree for yet another year but I feel like I can't get caught up in any more emotional blackmail. She refused to give back her key so I have no option but to change the locks I guess. I think she herself needs counselling but she says counselling 'is for weak people' and she just sneers and laughs at me. She is almost like a split personality and can be equally nice and nasty. Her dad was very very nasty and I have wondered whether it is partly genetic ..?
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 February 2011):
Hi Jane,
Sigh... sounds all normal to me... young people like noise, older sick people like quite... homework goes missing, young person has meltdown, and police gets called.
What the last boyfriend has to do with all of this, I don't know. If it's to paint a picture of how evil your kid is, then yes you've done it. Your an angel, a saint, the perfect human being. Your boyfriend and your daughter are obviously scum, and must be worshipping the devil.
I understand perfectly. I have a mother myself.
She can go see shelter, speak to the people at uni, or contact the local council. If you kick her out she is "unintentionally homeless" and they may be able to help her. She cannot stay at home, you need the peace, she is noisy. It's a waste of police time if they have to keep visiting to deal with this domestic dispute. far better for her to move out. She won't be able to study properly in this atmosphere. Her and her boyfriend should have enough funds to find somewhere.
No she doesn't hate you. But I remember being 23, I can imagine she's very hurt and angry with you right now. But you can only see things from your point of view... It's easier to say she's wicked and tell you to find some way to kick her out.
Since you don't want them there any longer, then tell the boyfriend he is no longer welcome and kick your daughter out. Wait until she goes to school one day, and get the locks changed, put all her stuff at the front door, she can pick them up from there.
She will find she does have places to go, when the key no longer works.
It's impossible for them to act like mice. They are 23, and at 23 you make noise. Your too sick to put up with this. Change the locks and kick them out, then you will have peace again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): throw her out, she does not deserve some one like you, move to a place that you are safe and happy and make sure that you tell her that she get nothing from you
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (7 February 2011):
 You need to inform your daughter that her behavior is unacceptable and because of it, she (and of course the boyfriend) will no longer be living under your roof. Since not only do they not contribute to the household costs (from your previous post) and the fact that she is violent and mouthy, you will not be risking your health for the little ingrates. Don't be a doormat, that will not teach her one of life's more important truths. It's time she grew up.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 February 2011):
Hi Jane, sounds pretty grim in your house at the moment.
First of all, all men are to be stopped from coming into the house. Period. That's it. That is your house, and you do not need deadbeats or racists around. Blanket ban on her boyfriends. They are a huge problem.
Then, before she gets in the house, she needs to agree to go to counselling with you. If she says no, then do not take her back. Tell her that you love her, but unless she and you can get to the bottom of what is troubling her, you can't be in the same house because of her violent behaviour.
I'm not sure what's troubling her for sure. But I can make a guess that
a - She can't handle that you're ill, and is troubled by it so much she has to rebel.
b - She resents her father (is he even in her life?)
You and her need to go to counselling together. That's all I can advise.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): Dearest, i am so sorry to hear about what you are going through, your daughter sounds like a real madam. But take this from me, i think she is really scared of losing her mum. You need to set some ground rules, like she should stay away for a while, so you can get a break, you do not need any stress with your illness. tell your daughter, her nasty BF should never come to your home again, if her BF finds a problem with white people, then she should never visit your home again. Remaind your daughter, she is old enough to live on her own. also she needs counselling with dealing with your illness and school work, find a way to have a one to one with her, with someone present. let her know whatever happens you will always be there for her, but she needs to give you space for now.
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A
male
reader, Liebes Kummer +, writes (7 February 2011):
You daughter is 23; let her go and find her own place to live.
Where i live, people her age already own a property or two.
I'm surprised she is not only living with you, but her Bf as well!
The way she has behaved towards you is unacceptable. Someone who can be that abusive towards her own mother does not deserve anything. Ask her to leave and change the locks.
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