A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. I could really use your help!I have been involved in an emotional affair (never any physical contact) with a married man. I am also married. We both have young children. This has been ongoing since last spring. We would see each other at different functions which would involve our children on a regular basis. We shared a very special connection as well as a physical attraction towards one another. As time went on, the attraction began to intensify. We were both becoming aware of this.Suddenly, he is no longer showing up to all of the functions we used to take part in. It has been more than two weeks that I have not seen him or heard from him. I have been really upset about this and have had such a difficult time with it because I am taking it personally. I am thinking he is doing this on purpose because he does not want to see me anymore or he thinks that things are going too far between us and he is trying to put a stop to it. Either way cutting me off like this, no explanation or anything, I find is a little cruel because it is hurting me so much. If he cared, why would he do this to me? Whether I like it or not, right or wrong, I have real emotions invested in him and my heart feels like it is breaking. I am not sure why he is doing it. Is he busy lately? Is he trying to send me a message? I don't know if I am ever going to see him again.I think that if he cared this much about me, his marriage can't be that great, just as mine can't be if we are both seeking each other outside of our marriages. I suppose we are both missing something in our spouses or ourselves. I find that since he has been gone, I am upset at my husband all the time. I am short with him and do not want to be around him. I feel like I want to leave him. I don't know if it is because the fantasy or illusion of this other man is now gone and I am left to deal with reality. Our marriage was not perfect even before this man entered the picture. We have had some problems and the other man is not the cause of them. I wonder if I am just not happy with my husband. How do I know whether I should leave him because I am not happy instead of leaving him because he does not compare to the other man?I have been taught to stay married for life. It's what our parents did. I have only had perfect examples to follow. We have been married a long time and it is tough to think about these choices when you have so much history together. I feel like I am a failure because I am so confused and I have betrayed my husband. But how do you know in your heart of hearts that you are meant to be with this one person for the rest of your life? How do you know that you have not found happiness in someone else? Should you stay married for the rest of your life if you are not happy just because that is what everyone expects you to do?I am wondering how the other man really feels. Is he running away from his feelings because it is easier to just stay married instead of tearing everyone's lives apart? In the long run, is this the right move? Will he truly be happy or has he given up on someone that might have made him happier? Or does he really love his wife and has decided to just push me out of the picture completely? It is terrible situation to be involved in. I find I am grieving about it all alone because there is noone I can talk to about it. It has been really terrible to go through especially when you have to suffer in silence without any support. This is why I am here.I am not sure what to do at this point. I am really lost. I have been trying to forget about him. I suppose in time if I never see him again it will all get easier. But I wonder how can I ever get my marriage back to a healthy point if my heart is still with someone else?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2013): I am in love with a married man to. I am 34, divorced and no childern. ( I am unable to have) He is 56, married with 3. We have been involved for 4 in a half years now. I am crazy in love with him but I don't think he loves me back. This is depressing me. I wish he loved me. He is not leaving his wife. I know he is attracted to me and we have a great thing going on, but he doesn't love me. I wish someone could help me out too. I have been reading on women with married men that they leave their wife for. Doesn't seem fair. I guess because they are pretty. Pretty girls always get what they want. I am not ugly. I am tall (5/7) 125 lbs. I dunno its crazy and confusing.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): Of course he will return. It adds to the excitement doesn't it?
Yes it takes 2 to tango but which one pulled away first?
Yes the OP should start re investing in her marriage. She has thrown away her marriage for 18 months (??) already. Perhaps she needs to either decide to wait for this married man or release her hb. He is a victim in this sordid mess and he is clueless that there were 3 people in his marriage. I am sure when the tiffs occur he must be wondering what he is doing wrong. Sadly he is doing nothing wrong, its just that his wife wants another man.
You say do not be 'judgemental' then how about realistic???
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): So it sounds like there are sparks between you and this other man. But that's all there is, and sparks are nothing more than a 'high' that comes with that 'falling in love' blissful feeling. But why DESTROY another's family, DEVASTATE another woman and her child because you like the thrill of 'falling in love'. Don't fool yourself into thinking you have some special connection with this man. You have not seen the good, the bad, and the ugly in him. If you had, you might think less of this man than you do of your own husband. All you have is a drug-like high, and now you're coming down. That man took vows to cherish his wife, not you!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): Hey LoveGirl: Please do not paint this married dude out to be some saint because he is NO SAINT. Takes two to tango. He was just as much a part of it as she was. Who are you to say that if he didn't walk away, she would have an affair with him? You don't know that. And how do you know she wanted him to leave his wife and family for her? She has a husband and family, too. Don't think she would leave hers either. And how does anyone know he walked away from HER and not for other reasons? This is something neither should have started. I think she was just reaching out because of her pain but she got no support here. I am sure she knows she made a mistake in judgment. I am sure she has learned a lesson. In the end, it has worked out but not without some pain. But she is better off without this loser, anyway, because he was still messing around on his wife and absolutely will do it again. I am pretty confident he will still show up at these events and try to pick up where he left off because he did not get what he wanted yet. I caution this woman in this case to STAY FAR AWAY from him and write him out of her life! She should work on her own marriage and kick this guy to the curb because he was taking advantage of her. I would be interested in knowing if this guy shows up again. Could you let us know? I am betting he will.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): At least this married man has had the decency to cut ties with you. Perhaps he doesn't want to become an adulterer, perhaps he doesn't want to destroy his home, his wife and kids. Hats off to him!
Why are you suffering. You are projecting your unhappiness and have no qualms trying to steal this man from his wife.
Please have the decency and grace to walk away, even if this man pitches up at events please note that he is not yours for the taking.
Stop with your immature behaviors towards your HB. He has done nothing wrong. So stop giving him the cold shoulder and making his life miserable. You crossed the line with this MM, so please do not make your TB suffer.
you feel it is your right to have the married man. Please think again. He belongs to his wife. He belongs to his marriage. You have no right to feel shortchanged. You have been cruel to latch onto him and steal his investment from his wife and marriage.
I think delusion is manifesting itself in your mind bec you want to have long term plans with him. You want him to leave his wife for you? To leave his kid for you? To destroy the very people he loves? Not going to happen.
You owe it to your hb to either start reinvesting in your marriage or to get out. You cannot have both.
Once again I repeat, I have respect for this man who has decided that HIS marriage is important to him. So please stop chasing after him and leave him alone.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): He is not the issue. You're trying to finish a conversation that should never have started. You have a marriage that you need to figure out what to do with. Why are you unhappy? Take the time to figure out what needs to change in yourself, your marriage, and your life, and then OWN IT. No one else is going to make you happy if you aren't happy to begin with. A spouse or partner adds to what is already there- they don't bring the whole deal to the table. You have to bring the best of who you are, what you do, your hopes, dreams, and goals. If you're just bored, stuck, or mad, you really have only yourself to blame. Picking out another spouse like they are a new suit of clothes is a fantasy, and a lazy one at that. See a counselor, and stop projecting your needs onto others until you at least have a better idea of what you are looking for. Do you REALLY want to deal with the baggage that comes from two broken homes, two angry ex spouses, combined children and step children, and the loss of self respect? I'm not saying you HAVE TO stay in your marriage. I'm just saying not to be BLINDLY STUPID about why you might be looking for something different. At the end of the day, the biggest problem in your life is YOU, and YOU are going to go with you if you leave your current family. Just saying...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): I am very sorry for your pain and it is completely understandable. You are missing something in your husband and you were reaching out to someone else to help fill that void. That someone else was also married and it looks like they led you on and then let you go. I seriously doubt that you were in this alone and imagined the attraction and the connection you both had. He definitely played his part and betrayed his wife by allowing and continuing this emotional affair with you.I am sure he was feeling something for you as you are for him. You do not know for sure if he is avoiding you. You will have to wait a while longer to see if the avoidance continues. It has only been two weeks and a lot can happen in two weeks. People have lives and there may be so many other things going on in his life that you don't know about. So I would not take it personally just yet.So many people stay in marriages because of children and because they feel this is what is expected of them. Love is not always the reason. Most people are afraid to leave their spouses for someone else and forever alter the lives of everyone who depends on them. He may be running away from you because he has strong feelings and does not want to act on them because he came to the realization that he wants to work on his marriage. Or he may taking some time away from you to decide what he wants to do. I honestly feel that if he did not have feelings for you, he would keep coming back to all of the events you guys met up at because none of this would bother him. So is he not admitting the depth of his feelings? Is he wanting to stay with his wife out of love? Or obligation? You may never know unless you see him again and have a chance to feel him out. Either way, I still think this is a messy situation to be involved in. I know it can be very difficult when feelings are involved. I know that everybody is trying to do the right thing, including you. Obviously you have had great examples of marriage to learn from. I don't think anyone ever plans on getting emotionally involved with another person who is emotionally unavailable. It's a tough road. I feel that if you both care enough for each other and admit it to each other, you should both leave your spouses and take time away to heal and then begin a relationship. Life does go on. But remember you should maybe step away from your spouse for awhile to figure out what you want if you are not sure you would like to work on your marriage. It is unfair to them to stay in a marriage if you are thinking about someone else. And what is to stop you from doing it again if not with this person? I do think it is cruel for this married man to string you along like he obviously has and then cut you loose so abruptly. He obviously realizes you have invested some emotions in him. If he was man enough, he would have explained his position to you before he did this. He sounds like a slimy coward who was close to having his cake and eating it, too. Just because he had some ephiphany in the final hour does not mean he is absolved of any blame. Having said this, this is not the type of a man you should get involved with anyway. He was dangerously close to cheating on his wife. He will do it again. If you can see all the good things you used to see in your husband and really give it a try to work out your marriage, you may find that you fall in love all over again. It isn't easy but this guy is just a distraction and an escape. His memory will soon fade. But your husband has been with you through thick and thin. Please think carefully before potentially throwing this all away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): This is not hard to figure out. The plain fact is you are married, he is married. You both to vows to be faithful and stay true though good and bad times. What you should have done was get a divorce before you started seeing someone else. Now you're crying about how could he just up and leave you like this? You're in your 30's and cant figure out why this is wrong? Seriously, you need to grow up. He already left his wife emotionally for you and you didnt expect the same? You deserve this pain because you chose wrong over right. Basic learnings from childhood to adulthood. Its simple.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (7 February 2011):
Him cutting contact was not cruel. It was the right thing for him, and he knew it. Whatever he felt for you, it wasn't love. And if it was, it has become clear that he loves his wife and children more and has chosen to work that out. Perhaps his marriage is better than you think. Perhaps his wife found out. Perhaps he saw the light and realized he was better off with his wife and kids rather than screwing his marriage up.
Whatever the reason, it's done.
The problem is, you were in love not with a man, but with an illusion. You don't really know anything about this man. At all. You don't know what he's really like out of work. You don't know what he's really like in work. You don't know whether he's a good husband, or whether he's an abuser. All you see in this man, is what you choose to see. And that's why you want to leave your husband. Your real life husband can't seemingly compete with this illusion. No one can. Even the man you were having the emotional affair with can't compete. You'd soon see him for what he is, and you'd still be unhappy (88% of relationships that start as affairs totally fail within 2-3 years).
I'm afraid now, you've got to take responsibility for the situation you're in. You haven't got time to grieve, because the more you 'grieve', the more your marriage is falling apart. That is now what needs your attention. Not the other man.
So, are you now willing to go home to your husband and children and give it one last shot? Are you willing to say to your husband that you are miserable, and that you both need couples counselling? Are you willing to invest more time in your marriage? that's the single question that needs to be answered, and it can only be answered by you.
As for those last questions?
How does he feel? - He felt something, but not love. He knows who he loves - his wife. That's why the affair didn't turn physical, that's why he didn't leave his wife and child. That's why he's cut contact and gone home. He loves his wife, and he knows that she is the one to make him happy.
I'm afraid you've got a decision to make - are you a married woman with a family, willing to give your marriage one shot? Or are you filing for divorce? That's the only thing that matters now.
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A
female
reader, Dear Bernie +, writes (7 February 2011):
 Why, why would you want to start something you can't finish, what makes you think the grass is greener on his side? Do not put pressure on this man to leave his family for you, and stop being selfish. You need to sort out what is going on in your own home. It may be you have come to the end of the road with your marriage. But first, if you can spice up your marriage, maybe its worth fighting for and saving. Who said it would be easy being a wife, mother, lover and cook, you have the best role many women would love to be in. So leave the poor man alone!
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