A
female
age
41-50,
*obme
writes:Well an update here for my problems with my ex husband that some of you know about.Its been almost 3 months since my divorce and I thought after going through all the drama with my ex, me and my daughters would and could be fine on our own. That was shook hard last thursday here. My oldest (who is not my exes biological child but raised her with me for 12 years) has been out of control here with me and was doing so to be back in GA with my ex. She is 16 and I thought she had adjusted well for all we had been through. No, I learned she has been having sex with 2 different guys and lying to me too much to be spending nights with these guys. Both guys and her friends told on her on thursday and told me as well she has been talking about moving or running away to be back in GA. My ex and her have not had hardly any contact in the last 2 years and this has me puzzled.Well I know she misses our old life and would see that in front of her as my ex would come up here to get our youngest and act like nothing was wrong and yeah we are a family now and then. I would tell her not to worry we all go through stuff like this on mourning our old life here and there but this is our life now just me and my girls here. My ex called that night on last thursday to talk to our youngest and he heard me crying. I told him what my oldest has been doing and all that I was confronted with as well. He didn't even hesitate to tell me, "Well if you want me to come get her to live here tell me too and I will." I said well she said she wont stop but get worse if I make her stay here with me and our daughter. He said go to court and give me guardianship and I will fly her down here get her in school and raise her. He said I vowed to always be there for her when I took her on with you as she was 4 yrs old then. All I kept and do think is this is NOT his biological child and he is leaving our daughter together with me. OUR daughter wants NOTHING to do with him and wont accept his phone calls even. I am putting her through therapy starting this week because of the resentment she has with my ex.Now my oldest is acting fine as she knows I am letting her go to GA as I can not have her here anymore doing all the damage she has done and I want her to have a better future by not getting STDS or pregnant. She said over this year more than enough times that she wants her old life and her room and house back there and will do worse if I don't let her go. My family is standing behind me saying let her go before something terrible happens. My ex is calling and texting me a lot telling me to get to court ASAP to get her down there. My oldest is giving bits and pieces like there is a plan in motion I don't see. She is too determined to be there with him!! I ask my ex what is going on with all this and he says nothing that he just wants her to be good and with him. He started even calling me after the girls were in bed talking small talk and I would say I have to go as I don't get what the hell is happening!!People here are wondering if my ex isn't using my child to try to get me and our daughter back. He would in the past us put the girls in the middle a lot. Now it seems he is doing it again. I am trying to think he is just trying to help raise this child but he never wanted either child nor me there he stated a lot. I know he has difficult accepting the divorce and I know he has been holding onto me a lot..dragging me down again.I am thinking he is trying in his way to get her down there and then work on trying to get me there too one day with our youngest. Hell he isn't even paying child support on the daughter he is leaving with me! I am so confused and hurt a lot by this..
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (18 September 2007):
 Let your daughter know we are proud of her for the decision she has made. It's a big step forward to realize and accept change in our lives.
Now it's not too late to change what she's been taught. She decided to cancel him out, so the harm which causes the problems is not there, so not its time to reverse the harm that's been caused.
Now that she's recognized the change, she needs help to recognize the behaviors in her which he caused. I would recommend you do it this way. Sit her down, she's getting older, and first remind her, her process is not to please you, or her siblings, it's to develop who she wants to become, looking at the end result and working toward that.
Sit down with paper and pen, and ask her what do you want to be as an adult, do you want to be a parent, maybe married, what career goals does she have. Then look at the the behaviors she has now and which ones have a good fit with her goals, and which ones would not. What behaviors need to be developed to become the person she listed.
She needs to realize she is an individual, and both positive and negative behaviors have a grand affect on those you associate with. Such as, look at her need to fill her void with a man, you recognize there is a void, now that void can be filled with both a positive activity, or a negative activity. That same need for a man can be filled with volunteering and helping others who are in need. Many times with a void we fill it with just whatever comes, instead of thinking how can we feel complete and benefit others by doing so.
I do wish you luck, and hope everything works out well for you and your family. You've all had this trial of the divorce and the ex to overcome, it's a process, but if you all work together you can overcome this together.
A
female
reader, kikicupid  +, writes (18 September 2007):
 I am very very glad that your oldest daughter saw sense and is finally staying with you!Try not to worry too much about your ex at the moment, just enjoy having your daughters with you and remember that once your girls have your back and are on your side, your invincible, and will fight for them all the way xxx
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A
female
reader, tobme +, writes (18 September 2007):
tobme is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well alot of people here where me and my chidren reside have came over to talk to my oldest about her need to want to be with a man that has nothing to do with our lives here.My ex.She has the void of loss after the divorce and wants back what we once had.That cant happen and she slowly realized last nite that this is our lives here.She wants to get a new job and have no contact with my ex which I am making sure happens.He may have more nicer things but as a person he is AWFUL.He has these things to fill a void of emptiness.He is very materialistic.He uses people to give him what he wants and then throws them away.She knew she would be a victim like that if she went to live with him, but wanted to try to get her family back together.Not a reality here.Just because living was easier it was NOT better.Unhealthy fights and turmoil was in that marriage.I told her I fight now the "easier living" but am happier as he isnt here and I have no pain from him here.I had to tell my ex today that she is staying here and he asked why. I said she has realized the support and love she has here and that no matter what she knows she cant get her family like we once had back.That him coming here and acting like we are a family has hurt her badly.Confused her thinking oneday we all would live happily ever after.I had to remind her we are still a family just its now me and her and her sister now.I told him this has caused immense pain by you not letting go and acting like the caring dad you once were many many years ago.That I wont tell him anything about any problems I may have with her anymore.Thats my responsibility now and I am strong and a good mom who loves her kids to death.I have seen her mourning and she knows there is times I do break down and say why to myself.I have told her once in awhile I do that.That closure takes along time to get.My ex calling and showing the girls he is still in our lives is not good.He is a bad habit to me I have to break.No more telling him the good bad and ugly.No more telling him our lives now.He has been a yo yo here back and forth all year and I am putting my foot down going LET US GO.He is hurting my kids now and thats NOT going to happen.He wanted us out of his life he wanted this divorce now its time for him to act like he is no longer a part of our lives.He has to accept his fate and move on!!No longer is he pulling me or my children to him not to make his guilt pass.This is NOT our fault, he has made us victims of a bad time.He shouldve thought about all of this as he decided to kick us out of his life for good.So hopefully my oldest will get a new job have a good time and love life once again here.I am supporting her decison and told her no matter what she has me and he sister here.That yes my ex needs to stay far away and no more contact but when he scheduled to talk to my youngest 3 nites a week.I have a feeling this will take a long time to get this man out of our lives permantly.I am planning next July to go after full custody of our youngest and that will help with the no contact.I just get to relax and let life go on and wait till December when he is once again here to get our youngest for visitation.That I am dreading alot.I will make sure my oldest is at my moms and that I am assertive and in public hopefully exchanging her for visitation.I tell ya, getting a manipulative controlling man out of your lives is hard as hell.That and he does this living 1400 miles away!! UGH..Hopefully the torture from him and the games will stop soon.
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A
female
reader, tobme +, writes (17 September 2007):
tobme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice and I know it may to late to change what she has been taught by my ex as he raised her with me for almost her whole life.He is a control freak and uses manipulation ALOT.She has learned this behavior from him to the point of this nasty situaiton.I have had her in therapy and even admitted a few years ago and was told that this may happen.She is seriously out of control and I dont know how much of her "games" I can stand.Plus she is doing this around her little sister who, thankfully, has taken after me alot in personality.My ex threw us out on our bums almost 2 years ago and filed for divorce not even 2 weeks later here.He told the courts he could care less what happens to any of us.Why I have BOTH girls now.He only gets to "visit" our youngest.Plus phone call rights 3 times a week only.Although I know life has changed and its harder in alot of ways without 2 incomes and a house and new car , BUT we are safe and living on our own making lives here.I am torn on keeping her here and rebelling to the point of no return or sending her and giving tough love by saying you reap what you sew.I dont have insurance on her ..yet. So getting her therapy is not happening right now.My mom even offord to pay for it and she yelled NO.There is no drama of fighting her as me and my ex once were and we do things like dinner out and I let her get her 1st job till I found out she was having sex with one of the older team leaders that is 19.She was fired last friday for acting out at work.Too many people that are close to me are telling me to pack her up and let her go!!I am the only mom she will ever have and thats where it kills me as I do love her and I want to help her but she avoids me and will blame me for everything she does wrong.Yepp, true manipulation there I see daily.She is soo much like my ex that I get miserable and not want to be with her.Bringing back memories of bad times with my ex alot by her behavior and I reliving the turmoil all over again.I know my ex flipped hard to accept what he has done and over the last 18 mths of us being here and away from him he has asked me back and I said NO.He has been in and out of our lives always coming here to start something.I knwo I was too good for him now and I stand tall and proud that I am no longer connected to him in marriage.
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A
female
reader, kikicupid +, writes (17 September 2007):
Hi there,This is clearly a very hard situation for you, especially as you thought everything was becoming better. You say you were happy as a family after your ex left and that you and your girls had worked through everything. Your daughter is now 16 and in some way is reacting normally at that age. Rebelling at that age and after all your family have been through is inevitable,yet she still ows some kind of respect to her. Perhaps letting her move with your ex without any comprimises gives her too much power. Will she visit you during?will she be more respectful after?you need to think of all theses before just letting her leave. If you tell her you will let her live with your ex, but in conditon that she comes back in a year, and that she behaves, and that she respects you, and that she needs to visit. It is very possible she will fight against all theses and threaten you o go to court again, yet once you explain to her all the compromises you are making for her, and let her know you understand her frustrations and want to be here for her, she might understand a bit more. It is very tempting to simply scream at your children when you are frustrated, yet talking to them as if they are adults can get more resuts done.Even though it looks like you are afraid of court, i dnt understand why the court will go in you ex's favor when you are providing everything for her. However, this break might do her some good, as said above, she will have space and will come back appreciating you more.About your ex, it is very hard to see where his intentions lie. You know him best. If you feel he will take care of her in the right way and you still trust him, then why not. If you have the slightest doubt he might hurt her, or be in anyway abusive or threatning to her, no matter what keep her away, and take it to court if she still insists. Yet you make him seem like he took good responsibility of her even thought she wasnt his child, which is a good thing. Think about it for a while by yourself and see what your instinct tell you. And as said before, try and explain everything to your daughter treating her as an adult so that she listens. If she is really having unprotected sex, again tell her how serious this is, and if she moves in with your ex make sure he lectures her about it as well. Your daughter will hopefully eventually realise your ex isnt as laid back as she probably thinks, and will come back to you.Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (17 September 2007):
Sounds like both the ex and your oldest daughter are manipulating you. I think your oldest daughter wants to be with your ex because she thinks he will let her run wild.And I agree he may be using her to get you back. At 16 it is too late for you change her character. Explain to her that she must grow up and follow the rules or suffer the consequences of live. Don't allow him to leveage you with her. When that time comes tell her she is free to come home if she will follow your rules.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (17 September 2007):
So you're willing to send her to your ex when he would call for the youngest and not the one that you're sending to live with him. By sending her away, you're teaching her that bad behavior is a reason to give her what she wants. She's going to end up using that over and over and over again, because she's been taught, it's OK.Now is it your ex's intention to get you back, or your daughters. She might think, if I move mom will miss me than have no choice but to move back here.You need intervention, and now is a good time to get it. It's not because you don't love her and don't want her to be happy, but she needs to learn she IS NOT going to to get what she wants by manipulating you into giving it to her. She's playing you, she knows how to push your buttons, and is using it to her benefit. You're going to have to become much stronger. If it was me, I'd let her know she is moving but not to Georgia, I'd let her know until her behavior is under control discussing moving is out of the question. She can't escape by acting bad, and I'm not going to let her act up to get her way. Once her behavior is under control than moving for more positive reasons may be an option, but I wouldn't let her move to escape herself or her situation. You need to implement tough love for her. Counseling, boot camp, crisis center, whatever it takes to get her to understand and change her behavior.She also needs to understand you, the reasons why the divorce happened, the reasons you feel it's not a good idea to reconnect, and that it's hard for you too. I hope this helps, take care.
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