A
female
age
36-40,
*ozzy203
writes:I need some advice please guys.I'm 19 and my math teacher was 21 and straight out of uni when he started at my college when I was 17. He has taught me for all of my four double math lessons most days for the past two years. He is and was single with no children. Over the past two years we have become really friendly with each other like talking like in between lessons and before and after school but it was during last years christmas ball that things took a turn. After the ball the whole school went to some hotel for an after party and meal but me and my male math teacher went off and did our own thing and ended up back at my flat coz I have lived on my own for the past year. While drinking a bottle of wine we talked about everything from school stuff to future plans and ambitions etc. We genuinely had a great time together like always since he started at my school. Well, I got up to go stick the used glasses in the sink and as I got up I felt his hand in mine and as I turned around we began kissing and we spent the night together. So for the past nine months we have been dating each other exclusively , just without anyone knowing because of obvious repercussions. It doesn't affect us at school, we just act like regular student - teacher relationship so its not like it's having any bad effects on our lives. There is only a four year age gap which isn't much in todays society but I don't know what would happen to him if it got out without us letting everyone know. I'm over 18 and it's a consensual relationship so nothing bad could happen to him surely? I know I love him and he loves me but I'm scared in case anything happens to him if people were to accidentally find out without us announcing it. Any advice?
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male
reader, Uncle Trev +, writes (25 September 2007):
You are always better off telling them straight. They may already suspect that something is going on anyway as you are suddenly not there. Just explain to them that love can hit anybody at any time and as for you it hit you and the teacher at the same time so you decided to quit college to enable this to happen.
The best of luck with this one - it is so nice to hear of a happy outcome.
You have painstakingfly gone about this the best way that you could - have approached this in a very adult way and it has all turned out really nice. The cream on a perfect cake now would be if your folks come around and decide to support you. Don't worry if they don't though - it is very much their loss if they continue to travel the road they have taken.
Thanks for your acknowledgements.
Trev
A
female
reader, lozzy203 +, writes (25 September 2007):
lozzy203 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys its me again! Thanks trev for all your advice its been very good. Hoping you could help me with something else actually [ and anyone else who wishes to give me some advice]The weekend just gone *Troy* took me away for a weekend to a hotel in the countryside to help me de stress after everything that happened with my mum and everything. We did everything together like massages and the spa and everything which was really sweet of him because he said he just wanted to make me feel better. Well , when we got back to our room we were just cuddling and kissing when he just got up and went over to his bag. He pulled out a ring , it wasnt an engagement ring , it was a promise ring with a few diamonds scatter across a diamond ring. I actually started crying because it is the sweetest thing anyone has ever bought for me. He just smiled at me and got down on one knee. He told me it wasnt a proposal but a promise - a promise that he would always love me no matter what and wants to be with me til he dies and thats what the ring he has given me symbolises. I also made him the same promise and an extra one added - that i would tell my friends and the rest of my family and no matter what they believed , i would stick with him through thick and thin. This is where i need the advice on how to approach my friends about us , because they are in the same maths class as me and want to break the news as gently as possible to them. I know they wont freak out because they do think he is fit but im unsure how they'll take the news that im going out with him. What should i do to make sure they take the news as good as possible?
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A
male
reader, Uncle Trev +, writes (20 September 2007):
Hey no worries -
It's your Mum's loss if she can't deal with it.
You will find a lot of people will be happy for you as you become more established.
Just be re-assured that you have done absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever and anybody in the future who shuns this relationship - Well what can I say - It will say a whole lot more bad things about them than it would ever say bad about either of you.
All the very best to the both of you.
Trev
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A
female
reader, lozzy203 +, writes (20 September 2007):
lozzy203 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys thanks for everything. Ive left college now and have got interviews for admin job positions for the time being until i can start a course at the local university in september. My guy has been nothing but supportive throughout this and helped me look for jobs after we spoke to our mums.
Well, there was a mixture of emotions when we went to see them both. Ive never been so nervous in my whole life and I think he felt the same , i could see it in his eyes. We drove up to my mums house and all of a sudden i bottled it. I was frozen with fear because i hadnt really contemplated how my mum would react , just what his mum would. It must have taken him about fifteen minutes to persuade me that telling her was the best thing and although i agreed it was still scary telling her. I was totally shocked by her reaction , she totally flipped out and told us to get out the house. I just couldnt believe it , sure i expected her to be shocked but not for her to be shouting obscenities at Troy *Not real name* so i did as she asked and left. She still hasnt phoned me and wont answer my calls which is upsetting but in my mind hes done nothing to deserve what my mum said to him but im not going to drag myself down by her actions. His mother on the other hand was fine with it all , sympathising with our situation because it turns out his mum and dad met at school where he was a teacher and have been married for twenty five years which even Troy didnt know and took us both by suprise. It felt good that someone was happy for us and not to have to hide our relationship as much. We are still no closer to telling his work colleagues yet but Troy wants it to happen soon. Thanks for the advice everyone and ill keep you all updated with the situation as it comes along!
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A
male
reader, Uncle Trev +, writes (18 September 2007):
If you decide to leave the college and there are still some bits of studying you wish to continue or complete - have you thought of looking into getting the extra or higher qualifications via the open university? - As your partner he would be perfectly allowed to help you on a one to one basis but as your private lover as opposed to your more public teacher. You sound like a lovely couple who have gone around this delicate situation in a very professional and very adult manner. It is so easy to see this from reading what you have written in your follow up. In closing I truly wish you a very happy and a very long loving future together.Trev
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A
female
reader, lozzy203 +, writes (17 September 2007):
lozzy203 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey everyone thanks for the advice so far , would love more advice from other people please!
Me and him had a chat this afternoon during the lunch hour in his office and weve decided to let my mum and his mum know whats going on between us both. He did suggest at first about just telling everyone but i told him we should wait for that. I know he would get most of the flack because he is the authority figure and i dont want it to bounce back in our faces. I cant help but get upset over this whole thing , we are both adults and its not like there is a 15 year age gap or anything its just four small years. Whats so different to us than people who date their older bosses or colleagues? We both feel strongly for one another and its not about the sex , you could count the amount of times we had done it on one hand. I know his job means the world to him and i wouldnt want anything to jeopardise it. From reading peoples comments its helped me come to my decision to leave college. I had only stayed on for an extra year in college to resit my maths to get it up to grade A rather than B because my other 4 A2 grades we all A's but i suppose the B was still good enough and its only just the start of term so i can drop out easy enough and look for a pretty decent job. I havent spoken to him about this yet because i dont want him to think im leaving because of him , which I am , but i know he would think of it in a bad way so im going to sleep on my decision and think and talk it through in the morning with him. Id appreciate more replies i really would just to get peoples opinions if what im doing is right , ive made this decision pretty quickly and dont want to regret it and a little input from you guys would help because i cant talk it through with friends or family without them finding out which i promised him we wouldnt just yet.
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A
male
reader, Uncle Trev +, writes (17 September 2007):
This is a difficult one as there is an unwritten rule that the morality of this relationship is wrong.
At the same time you are over 18 and there is no law that you have broken. He would most likely get a reprimand but it sounds as if you are at a college as opposed to a school sixth form where the consequences would be altogether a lot more serious.
The ideal situation would be if you were not at the college where he is teaching - or at least not in his maths class. It is a grey area and one that I think personally should be OK but I know as a teacher myself mainly on a one to one basis I would never consider a relationship with any of my pupils that I am teaching at the time - as for a relationship with my pupils siblings or in one case one of my pupils mothers I wouldn't hesitate there at all.
It is just that as your teacher he is in a position of authority and trust over you where he would be able to take advantage.
Step carefully and keep it under cover whilst you are still attending this college.
I wish you the best of luck in this compromising situation.
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A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu +, writes (17 September 2007):
 Im not sure how it works but i think student teacher relationships are frowned upon but as your over 18 im not sure it still counts, but i would wait till you had finished college completely before announcing yourselves as a couple otherwise your fellow students might think that your relationship effected your grades and that could cause alot of trouble for both of you, so if i were you i would wait till you have finished your studies.
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