A
female
age
36-40,
*urjourney
writes:I have a daughter who is 4 years old, ever since she has been born she has not seen her father. I met her father at a bar and within a few weeks of dating I becasme pregnant. We broke up after being together a month. Then I found out i was pregnant and he claimed we were going to to this together, after telling me i had to have an abortion or put my child up for adoption. When i was 5 months pregnant he decided he was going to vanish from my life and never turned back. Since she has been born i have emailed him updates on how she is and how she is growing. Exactly a year after getting me pregnant ( 3 months after my child was born) he got another girl pregnant he met at a party. He stuck around with her and when she was 7 or 8 months pregnant they got engaged and then married about a year after the baby was born. They were together for maybe two years. The beginning of December i recieved a message on my FB from his new baby mother stating " your are better off in your situation, i admire you" When i replyed back to her (the end of december) she told me " i dont feel i need to talk to you anymore, we are not together anymore" My question is now that he is not married will he try to come back around. I dont think i want a relationship with him on a romantic level but i would like my child to grow up with a father.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (14 January 2012):
 Make sure you don't instill in your daughter the feeling that "something is missing" and "everything would be best if your daddy were here". That is destructive like you can't imagine. Really move on, and forget the man.
A
female
reader, ourjourney +, writes (13 January 2012):
ourjourney is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ fancy Im not all of a sudden, I had been informing him since she was born on her condition. I didnt know if now that he is single would he come back around.
Thank you everyone I am glad for all this advice and all of you are saying the samethings so I will no longer be contacting him and I will no longer hold on to any hope of his return :)
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A
female
reader, Mariab  +, writes (13 January 2012):
 There are some people we need like a hole in the head! This guy is out for his own self! He doesn't care what he leaves behind in his path. Protect your daughter from this type of male role model.... Move on from him. Also be careful that you are seeking him out for YOUR DAUGHTER not because you still have feelings for him! Why all of a sudden now that he is single do you see the need for your daughter to have him in her life??? Some men simply can't hack fatherhood and responsibility! Good luck xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2012): I have been in the exact same position I have a three year old son who has not seen his father we were together nearly a year I told him I was pregnant he told me to have a abortion then he made me choose the baby or him obviously I choose my baby I would not let your daughters father see her personally he has never been there for her or you what will happen if your daughter meets him then he vanishes again it is only going to mess up your daughters head
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 January 2012):
 I am glad you found some help in us. I think you deserve to go on with your life without him for your own sake as well. It is tiring alway sitting and waiting for someone who wont show up, hoping they will come, give and give of yourself and give them attention, write updates, reach out all the time, only to get nothing in return. You gave it your best and I don't think anyone can blame you for anything.
I think you deserve to move on from him without regrets and without shame or feeling guilty. What someone else wrote is also true, when you meet a new man to have in your life he will see it as a positive thing that you don't have anything to do with your ex. Because that way you can start completely new and fresh with a new man, and I think you deserve to be with someone new without your ex making things sour.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2012): Sometimes it is suggested in therapy that someone write a journal to not miss whomever they are missing. To help feel proactive about possible abandonment.
Also I think everyone should have a daily journal they can write thoughts, feelings down in. It helps to clear out of the head and put onto paper sometimes, a sort of vent/therapy.
So in ways, I can see the updates as such. Also, it is fair to do so. I think a part of your child self is involved in the adult decision to write to him; wishing perhaps your Mother had done so for you.
Either way, it was commendable of you to write to him. I don't think you should hold a hope out for him to do what is right. He comes across as a very self motivated individual.
He was a sperm donour.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (12 January 2012):
 I know exactly why you were sending him updates, which is why I recommended you stop. You tried. It didn't work, now stop it. All he gets from them is the comfort of knowing you're waiting on a backburner for him if he ever finds himself between women. That is not good for you or your daughter.
Sometimes no father is better than a terrible father.
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A
female
reader, ourjourney +, writes (12 January 2012):
ourjourney is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone.... You all are right and I guess it just takes a few straight forward people for me to open my eyes. What I thought was best really isnt and you all are right he is a stranger and I do need this to stop so I can move on with my life. For a long time I felt like it was all my fault, like maybe there was something I could do to change the outcome of my childs life. I am a strong person and I have done great in my life without him.I also want to say thanks to the people that are straight forward, no beating around the bush :)
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (12 January 2012):
Move on from him then. He isn't on the birth certificate, he has no interest in her, and she is better off with him completely out of her life than one foot in and one out, which seems to be the best you can hope for right now. This man will never be the father she deserves or needs. I think after 4 years you have done your part in keeping the door open. He now knows where the door is, you don't need to waste your time and energy on waiting at this door for him, or try to constantly remind him of this door. He know it is there. Now move on. Live your life as if he wont ever come into it. And if he ever, at all in the future, should show any kind of interest, make sure he meets the basic standards that any man you introduce into her life should meet.
He is a stranger. He isn't a father to her. Treat him as such, a stranger that you are trying to invite into your daughters life. Don't give him any extra benefits just because he fathered her. Treat him for what he is: a stranger in your daughters life.
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A
male
reader, Tom Obler +, writes (12 January 2012):
 Hello,
He's not interested in children. He has made you and the other girl pregnant and probably looking for his next person. I wouldn't bother with any more updates at all. He has no interest at all in your child. Move on without him.
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A
female
reader, ourjourney +, writes (12 January 2012):
ourjourney is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers... No I dont get child support being that I didnt put his name on the birth certificate. I had some issues that I had to go to court for after my child was born and was afraid of the possibility of having to be out of my childs life for at least 18 months. My lawyer and family suggested it best that I did not have his name on the BC because if i was gone then they would try to give my child to her father. I do have great family support and my child has a great father figure between my dad and my brother. My child doesnt seem to be missing the other parent because my child never got to know them. I grew up as a child with a father that was in and out of my life and then toatally removed. I have a great step-father that cares for me as his own. I just never wanted that life for my child and even though I have great family support it is still difficult.I think my biggest issue is that when I found out I was with child i gave the option then and there for him to just leave and he picked to stay. Then again when I was 3 months pregnant becasue he had started to be very mean to me in the things he was saying. Yet again he cried and said he wanted to do this with me. I had no closure in any of it becasue just one day he decided he wasnt going to call and/or come around. In regards to the person who said about stop emailing him, I tell him how my child is doing more for my child so my child can see that I did try and have him involved, that the ball was alwaays in his court. Also becasue I guess somewhere deep down I kind of wished he would come back.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2012): "My daughter is 4 years old and has never met her father. He is single now and I am hoping that he will assume his responsibilities... is this wrong of me?" Not wrong, unrealistic since he's apparently not assuming any responsibility for the child of the woman he married. All you can do (and what you should have already done) is legally establish paternity and file for a court order of child support. "My question is now that he is not married will he try to come back around." Very unlikely, he has no reason to want to come back. "I dont think i want a relationship with him on a romantic level but i would like my child to grow up with a father." He obviously doesn't want a romantic relationship with you and he obviously doesn't care if his child(ren) grow(s) up without a father.Why are you expecting/hoping/wishing some stranger who knocked you up within a few weeks of meeting you at a bar, told you flat out he didn't want the baby, and then vanished from your life will suddenly turn into a responsible father just because he's recently dumped his second baby mama? Most likely he's already met and knocked up baby mama number three.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (12 January 2012):
Danielpew said it perfectly.
He doesn't care about her development so stop sending him updates. You've made it clear that he would be welcome in his daughter's life. It's up to him to reach out, not you to chase him.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 January 2012):
 A consistent healthy male relationship is a good idea. Is there a grandpa or an uncle that is around?
I do NOT think bringing her sperm donor in on this is a good idea.
I'm sorry he's not a dad. He's the jerk that impregnated you and who knows how many other women...then bailed.
I think your daughter is better served by responsible men as father figures.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 January 2012):
 He seems like a totally irresponsible, immature FLAKE of a human being. Knocking girls up here and there and then taking no actual responsibility.The fact that his sperm made your child doesn't mean he will ever be a father for her.
Do you really think he will be a good role model for your daughter?
And are you getting CS? If not I suggest you start the paperwork and get some. He may not be capable of being a real father, but he sure ought to help financially.
I can't see any benefits from "getting" to know him honestly, not unless he grows up A LOT.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (12 January 2012):
Good question. In giving my opinion, I want to take the side of your child. I feel it is in your best child's interests NOT to hear from her father or want any sort of relationship with him. "The other lady" told you the truth.
The father is fully informed of the birth of his child and how she's been growing. If he wanted to be a part of her life, he would be there. But he doesn't. This tells you what he wants. I don't get the feeling that he's even acknowledge the baby as his, which in this case, honestly, is a real advantage.
There is nothing worse for a child than to grow longing for affection from a person who is not willing to give that affection. There is nothing better, in my opinion, than growing knowing full well where you stand, what cards you've been dealt, and playing them as they come, not as you suppose they should come.
If the man were in her life, he would come and go, and after a few years she would notice, and would have to decide whether she would still continue to try to get daddy's affection, or feel "bad" for giving up and trying to live her life instead. I would like you to spare your child such a painful realization, first, and decision, later.
The man would be dead weight in her life (and in yours). He would not be there, except to complain about how you spend money, or the kind of person the baby grows to be, or et cetera.
In this way, she is free to live her life as she should, as in truth it is.
And you are also free to find someone who will love you and her. This person will find "daddy's" absence to be an advantage. The asshole won't be there to muddy the waters.
The best of luck for your child, first, and you, second.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (12 January 2012):
Aren't there courts in your country who deal with disputes of this matter? Contact a lawyer. Are you getting your child support? He is responsible for his child whether he wants to or not. Question is if you really think your daughter wont be better off without such a man in her life.
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