A
female
age
36-40,
*lue23
writes:Hey everyone! I need some advice When we first started dating, of course, my boyfriend was very romantic and did lots of sweet things for me. He liked being affectionate and sending me little love notes - and he did, ALL THE TIME. Then we began to fight more and they stopped. Finally recently when things have been calm and good for a while, I asked him if he might be a little more affectionate because the distance is hard and I miss him, so I asked if he could send me cute little text messages or be flirty with me. He was fine with it and did it sometimes. Then I realized I was asking him to do stuff, and hoping he would do stuff, that I wasn't even doing. Like little special things - maybe a card in the mail, a random nice text or email, a little present for no reason - that type of thing. So I started doing those things for him, and I tried really, really hard to do them without expecting him to do anything back.Last night we were talking and here is where I need some help. He clearly stated that he feels like he does things for me, he said that he feels it is more impressive when you do something BIG and really impressive. I have made it clear that I love all the little things! And he thinks that he IS doing special things for me.I am not sure what they are! I know there are things such as he will take me out to dinner, pay a lot of our travel expenses to see each other since I'm not making much money, etc. but in terms of stuff other than monetary...I'm not sure! But he thinks he is.So I do things for him and he feels like I expect him to do something back. He also said that he loves me and is very happy with me and wants to marry me and doesn't need me to do anything except to have a peaceful relationship with him. So basically I can make him happy by being me and not fighting with him!Now, I like to do these little things for him. I like sending him a card or a text or something just hoping it might make him smile. I really do try to do them without expecting anything. I do hope that he will at least say he got it or something but if he doesn't, that's fine. I guess this is something for me to look at because he does seem to think I expect something back...and I don't think I do.He also said that he does feel he is too comfortable in the relationship, and that he thinks maybe I should try less hard and be less serious about it. This is where I'm confused and we didn't really talk about it more, and I don't want to bring it up to him because he hates talking about relationship stuff.Now, I am definitely kind of more into the relationship than he is and I am very extroverted, he is pretty introverted. Despite this he does make a huge effort to call me and communicate with me. I do NOT like playing games in relationships, we have been together 3 years next week - but I am wondering if I am "too available" for him. For instance, I have more time on my hands it seems than he does and I always want to talk to him. It is hard to reach him and I am usually available at night, so when he calls, I almost always answer the phone - I'm around doing homework. He is the one who I feel like I am "chasing" and he is hard to track down. Sometimes he doesn't text me back, I always text him back. Is this making sense so far?I always want to be intimate and do other things (probably not appropriate to go into here and I don't want this thread to be moved to another area) with him, so I know that he is sexually very happy with me. However I don't know if I make him work for it enough. Is that something I should do at this point in the relationship?? Like, I know the things he likes, sexually and nonsexually. And I do them for him, OFTEN. I have made it very clear to him what I like but he does not do them unless I request and even if he does, it doesn't always feel like he is super into it - like making out/kissing. He will do it sometimes but I am wondering like should I kind of not let s-- happen unless he has kissed me enough or done what I need him to do?My main questions are, what do you do at this point? I want him to be comfortable with me but I feel a bit taken for granted. I don't want to "talk" to him about this as I already have and he is the one who said he is too comfortable, after I had been thinking of it. Should I deny s--? Make him work for it more? Not always answer when he calls? "Forget" to call him back some nights? Act distant? I really don't know. I hate playing games but I would like to be appreciated more. However, there is nothing really wrong and I love LOVING him and doing nice things for him!So I am confused. Any insight would be helpful. Thanks, sorry this is so long!
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (16 January 2012):
 I can't guarantee it obviously, but yes, I do think if you re directed some of your energy toward bettering your own life (while still being warm and affectionate when with him of course) there is a very good chance it would re-ignite his interest in you.
A
female
reader, blue23 +, writes (13 January 2012):
blue23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for your responses...they were very helpful.In response to Ciar...so I kind of need to stop chasing him and be more involved in my own life...and do more interesting things and have my life less centered around him...and then you think he would "chase" me, if I kind of stopped chasing him?Youwish - thank you also....the distance is at least til next Dec and then hopefully his work will transfer him up to my area, if not in Dec it should be sometime soon after...so it is still a ways to go but its not awful. but yeah the distance does make things hard but I also think you're right, I can be more appreciative of what he does do...
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A
female
reader, blue23 +, writes (13 January 2012):
blue23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for your responses...they were very helpful.In response to Ciar...so I kind of need to stop chasing him and be more involved in my own life...and do more interesting things and have my life less centered around him...and then you think he would "chase" me, if I kind of stopped chasing him?Youwish - thank you also....the distance is at least til next Dec and then hopefully his work will transfer him up to my area, if not in Dec it should be sometime soon after...so it is still a ways to go but its not awful. but yeah the distance does make things hard but I also think you're right, I can be more appreciative of what he does do...
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (12 January 2012):
We tend to treat people the way we want or expect them to treat us. So your boyfriend can't be blamed for suspecting a dual agenda behind your cute little messages 'meant to brighten his day'.Like your boyfriend, I am not overly demonstrative either, so I don't think he is using you or taking you for granted but I do think you are making yourself far too available. You've made it clear to us that you have a lot of free time on your hands. The impression your boyfriend has is that apart from him you haven't got anything noteworthy going on in your life. How is that new and exciting? What is there left to talk about? If you want him to be more interested, you have got to be more interesting. And interesting people always have something on the go and they can't always be reached. They have other friends, they go out, they run errands, they read books, and do other things on their own. Therefore they have new stories to tell and new things to talk about when they get together with friends and loved ones. He stopped chasing you when you started chasing him.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 January 2012):
 Truthfully? I think you should let him be himself. The guy takes you out to dinner, pays for travel expenses to see you, and he loves you. That *is* showing affection.
He's trying to tell you something when he says that he wants a peaceful relationship. I'm going to tell it to you straight...you can't micromanage how someone shows affection to you. In this guy's case, it's not that he isn't showing affection or that he doesn't love you, it's that he's not doing it in the exact way you want him to.
This micromanagement and little tests you're already putting him through will smother the relationship if you're not careful. Long distance is already difficult, and your constant badgering him for the affection that you want it to be like will turn him off. You said he makes an effort to call, takes you out, makes an effort to be with you. That's an attentive guy.
I think you might be feeling insecure about the distance. You've been together 3 years? Is this distance indefinite, or do you have a definite timeline over when you will be together? A long distance relationship where there's no real plan to be together (i.e. military deployment, you two live close but one is off to college for a period of time, etc) is pretty tough to maintain.
As far as sexually, don't play games. He knows what you want, and you both should be pleasuring each other. But don't put a stopwatch on how much he does for you before you reciprocate.
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A
female
reader, Emily20  +, writes (12 January 2012):
 The way he is acting,is so bad,what u suggest is right my dear,but after doing that see his reaction,and if he is still that way,then my dear,he is not really into u,physically,mentally,spiritually and otherwise,you need to be careful so that you dont marry someone you will regret.your man should be a man that is ready to share,chat,kiss,s...,play,do enything you want,just to make you happy,him telling you not to put mush interest in the relationship is absurd,that means he is plannin to live u,and he does not want you to fall deeply in love with him,my dear u have to be cautious,and take a wise decision,now goodluck
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