A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My daughter cries every night before she has to go back to her mothers. Her mother physically and verbally abuses her on a constant basis, She gets slapped around the face and dragged down the stairs. I have followed every legal course of action to now avail. what can I say to her when she cries in my arms at night time that will reasure her and make her feel better, I've tried everything i can think of and nothing works I have to let her well run dry before she stops and then its on with the work face and its business as usual. She is 7 years old! and my son is 4 luckly she is not doing anythihng to him yet, but i know how she is as she did alot more to me over the 11 year relationship. she ran off with the kids when she found out I had spoken to the doctors about her and what she was doing. No body believed me as she had layed all the ground work down for me to be seen as a brute 5 years before she left.I am in dispair. Help! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the anonymous female reader who says I "left my children with an unstable person", she left the house and took the children, furniture and cash with out me being there.
She had never hit the children to my knowledge before that time. I had already sort help on the first day when I came home to find them gone. It was then I found out there was a CAF in place.
I had sort help from the Doctor 2 months prior regarding her social issues (a lot of people suffer from them).
I put all legal stuff in place straight away and I was seeing the children each day and closely monitoring what was happening, I asked her to move back with the kids after 3 days and then again a month later and she refused both times. She then started to remove access so I fought for them.
I only found out about my daughter being slapped after I started the court action.
As for "clenching my teeth" I stayed there 3 years and did not leave and was happy to stay having previously discussing that I would be the stay at home dad, which she hated the idea of. I hospitalized by this woman several times and I still stayed! I never ran away, she did making me out to be the aggressor.
I have now been diagnosed have several severe physical conditions made worse by her actions over the last 3 years requiring me to be on 10 tablets (painkillers) a day, I can no longer work and still I am in the family home fighting for my children, even tho my body is dying, I have 6 bloody specialists.
I have 50% access to the children and until people listen to what is going on do not jump to conclusions nothing can be done. I give them a good life as I always did away from her and that is the best I can do at the moment.
If I take the kids they will only give them back because she is there mother, the police have told me this. so what is worse Hope, or Hope that is taken away with violence.
This bull seams to be a running theme after 18 months most people now are attacking me because I am still fighting for them. At least you are slightly different.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the reply's.
I have been the court system and I have a joint residency order. Part of the motion was that she was abusing my daughter by slapping her across the face (I only found out about her being dragged down stairs 4 weeks ago).
Cafcas were involved and wrote a story of fiction were they got key facts wrong such as my name, the start of the relationship and made State that I have man statements that I simply did not. I have, as of 3 weeks ago place a formal complaint charging them with Criminal Negligence and Criminal fraud, they never looked at any of the evidence I had collected.
The Judge in the court case did not have time to read the report and stated "that as long as the agree that we came up with would be in line with the recommendations from cafcas them he had no problem, else it would go to a contested hearing, which he strongly urged against.
Complaints have also gone to the CAF which was in place before my ex flew the coupe. I was never told and was specifically told that I could not attend or be apart of the CAF in anyway. When I finally got a copy of the CAF notes there were several blacked out parts of the document which contained my name. This is illegal and contravenes the DPA.
When she first left I informed the child services and they were very help full and gave me a lot of "off the record" advice "It would be best if you took this action" as they were toothless and if I had understood what they were trying to do I would have acted then.
On contacting child services the switch board gave my name to the domestic violence team as I know how hard she hits. But there are no funds to support Men that are victims of domestic violence.
I personally am trying to help my daughter reconcile the disparate feelings of not wanting to go back to her mom with the need for her to see her mom, she was aware of the court process as it was her desire for me to do something, she never stopped talking about it. Now it is over the bold hope that was has now vanished.
It is devastating to listen to the advice your 4 year old gives his older sister as she complains about her mom beating her, saying "why don't you run away".
I am hoping that by causing enough of a fuss and if needs be prosecuting the departments involved in this farce there may be a route back to court. My daughter has told her councilor but I doubt that has taken it seriously. Its like everyone buys the ex's story and will lie to help her and when they have been caught out they then try and hide there actions.
I have just been to the police regarding her continual harassment of me and they under the current court terms are unable to help me, even with the kids.
I have to wait until she beats one of them black and blue before anything can be done, but then all that will happen is she will get more help than she is already getting more money to spend on herself and the children will get ignored even more behind closed doors, but in front of everyone else she will be seen as the loving caring mother she simply is not.
sorry to go on, but now you can see how it is and what has happened over the last 18 months.
thank you again for your reply's they are great appreciated.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): YOU left the kids with an unstable person. You got out of an unhealthy relationship yet you cared nothing to leave your kids with this abuser.
You will not agree with me but I will say it anyways. You thought only of yourself when you left your kids with her. As an adult you could protect yourself - either by being immune to her 'abuse' /ignoring it basically or by reaching a stage where you retaliated against her. Have you considered just shutting up and going back home just to be there as added protection for your kids.
If you really really want to do something (I know u tried the legal route but it failed. I admire you for this)
BUT
How about just clenching your teeth and moving back home. If it was me I would do this. See many many abused spouses stay bec to protect the kids. It doesn't make it right but I can unbderstand why they do it.
Beat your wifes abuse by going back home. Taping her abuse, both verbal and physical. Get concrete evidence and work together with a lawyer.
If you don't do this all your so called despai means bullsh1t if you are not wulling to trade places with your innocent kids.
Sorry but the abuse jut has to end and as their father, you need to get your backside back home and protect them.
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A
female
reader, vamp-gal +, writes (16 October 2010):
 You need to call some sort of social services, this is just sick, 7 years old?!
You definatly need to do something before your son becomes a target of abuse as well.
Do you think your daughter could testify against her mother? As the others have said you need some sort of evidence against her.
It's all the same advice we can give you really, you just have to keep trying until something happens which you can use to help your daughter and prevent her mother from hurting her.
Your daugter needs as much support from you as she can get right now. If someone could see how frightened your daughter is about going back to her mothers someone would have to do some sort of investigation into it.
It's child abuse, keep trying with the law and social services, if your daughters comfortable with it then she could help, if you want her to get involved of course.
Hope this helps x
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A
male
reader, ivanichiaynus +, writes (15 October 2010):
 CG said all I was going to say - great answer. Reading that post broke my heard as I know from my own early experiences how awful it can be.
Social Services need to be alerted, repeatedly, when you have your proof.
Ivan.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): These are the times we live in. Fathers are not valued and "Mothers" are given the benefit of the doubt no matter how unfit they are. Probably not much you can do about it unless she is a crack whore and even then I doubt any family court judge would help you. I bet if she were a criminal the court would send your kid away with her just to ensure that she has a good relationship with her mother.
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A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (15 October 2010):
 If the legal system is failing you I reccomend talking to your daughter to figure out a plan. Maybe she could hide a cell phone somewhere where the mother won't find it and tell her to use it to call the police the next time her mother is abusive. They should take this very seriously and it might give you the evidence you need to win your case. Your daughter needs to be strong here and its sad to say that she'll have to grow up long before her time is due but she can stop the act in the same night.
Best wishes in getting this all worked out.
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A
female
reader, stingbat +, writes (15 October 2010):
look who has custody of the kids? there is a legal loophole in our system that i found out but for different reasons. fistly u need to check if there is a residential order if there isnt one and you are named in a court order to have access to your kids you can legally take custody of them whilst they are in your care. meaning if there is no residential order and you are frightened for your kids welfare you dont have to return them but plz make an appointment at a solicitos to veify this and to make a residency order as soon as you get them. i agree with the other messages get as much info as u can but also ask 4 a CAFCAS worker to help with ur case they are totally unbias and only work 4 the kids. hope this helps
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A
female
reader, AuntieSnap +, writes (15 October 2010):
Hi there,
This is an utterly appalling situation. Why is nothing being done and what are Social Services playing at? Has anyone else witnessed this abuse and if so why havent they intervened?
It sounds like she may have mental health issues as you said she ran away with the kids when you spoke to a doctor previously, so she is obviously frightened of something being discovered. How much do you know of her past?
Please speak to your doctor, explain the situation and your fears for the safety of your children and hopefully get something put in place to get your wife's health assessed. You also need to hire a lawyer that specialises in family matters because there must be something that can be done.
I hope you get this resolved quickly for the sake of the welfare of your children.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 October 2010):
Ah yes, the law sides with the 'wronged mother' yet again in Britain. Just goes to show how bad our legal system is, really. There are many very great mothers out there, and many great fathers. But there are some evil people, and your wife is one of them.
I think there are a few options here. The single biggest thing is that you get more than concrete proof. You NEED EVIDENCE. Now that sounds hard to get, but maybe it's not.
First of all, say nothing to your wife about this.
Secondly, I think you need to video your children's reactions before they go back. Do it every night for two weeks, and always have something in front of the video, say a daily newspaper, so they know the videos aren't fake.
Thirdly, if you have the money (frankly even if you don't), get a Private Detective to the house to see if something can be seen or heard.
Fourthly, get your daughter to a child psychologist and also a doctor in the evening. Get someone to speak specifically to your child, when you're not in the room so there can be no bias.
Fifthly, if there is ANY WAY you can get a wire attached to your daughter#s clothes without your ex knowing, do it.
Basically, do ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING YOU CAN. Get to the doctors, remind them about Baby P. Get onto social services about it, remind them of Baby P too.
But get the proof. That's the golden ticket. And I just want to say I'm really sorry you're going through this. I know three kids who were abused by their father when they were younger, and no one listened, except me and a few others who were all 10 at the time. I know how bad this stuff is. Get proof.
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A
female
reader, diamond57 +, writes (15 October 2010):
DO SOMETHING!
legal action!
you know if your daughter says she is being abused you can have custody of your kids
do some digging andd take some action!
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