A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is a real messed up situation. Just found out my boyfriend of 5 years cheated on me. I want to forgive him and want to believe him that he is doing everything in his power to be more committed to me, but the facts are not adding up. What do folks think. Here are the facts:**He was involved in ongoing flirting with a woman from work that began last year. Included late night text messages and them both talking about how much they desired each other, and "fighting" giving in b/c of me.**Eventually they both gave in and had sex.**Since then they have both been "keeping their distance" best they can. And are both truly upset at what they did.**I found out b/c of a conversation we were having and his answers didn't seem right to me. I pushed and pushed, and eventually he told me the whole story and how remorseful and awful he feels. He didn't want to ever tell me b/c he didn't want to hurt me, and he was vowing to himself to never do it again. He's kept it a secret for about a year.**He still sees the woman at work and he told me they were maintaining a friendship at work, while working on clear boundaries with one another. He did confess that there have been some ongoing text messages with each other and he has engaged in conversation with her via texting. Though he says there has been nothing "sexual," but it seems clear that there is an emotional connection between the two of them that they are both fighting. So, I'm really confused b/c he says that he only loves me and never loved this other woman. But why is he still talking to her? He doesn't seem to want to break contact with her and states that it is unnecessary to do so b/c he has NO feelings for her. Should I believe that? If he had NO feelings for her, wouldn't he be more willing to break contact, and wouldn't he have told me what happened WHEN it happened so that we could work it through back then and NOT 1 year later. Help! I really love him.
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female
reader, jsturavergegirl +, writes (9 November 2010):
No one can tell you what to do, but i will tell you that i went thru same thing I was with him for 4 yrs -he doesn't work with her - but i too took him back over and over again because he insisted he wanted to be with me and only me and loved me, but he still contacted her and occasionally would still meet up with her or sleep at her house even though he assured me he would cut contact off n never see her again he just could not do but he claims he feels nothing for her. This went on for almost 3yrs of our relationship and he would apologize for contacting and insist they haven't met up but i would find out from her different and she would tell me they had sex.
I one time caught him at her house and i broke it off he insisted on talking me i let him he poured out his heart to me and asked me to marry him and had a ring with him -obviously there was no way in hell i could accept that ring after finding him at her house (which to him is no big deal because they weren't doing anything) he claims he went there to end it - she stated he mentioned that was not the case at all and he was planning on spending the night that night if i hadn't showed up. I would do my best to believe his feelings for me and take him back but not even a month would go by without him contacting her.
I finally ended it and am moving on - he is still months later emailing and calling me begging and pleading with me to come back to him and that he will end with her but guess where he was emailing me from? yep you got it. I don't understand how he can say things to me that i am his heart, his best friend and so on and still keep that connection with her open. So I agree with the others if this only happened for first time, maybe you can talk thing out - but 1. He does have to earn that trust back and its not easy once the trust is gone. 2. If he wants to stay with you and be with you he need he needs to absolutely cut ALL & COMPLETE contact off with her, otherwise it will never work because that is the woman he cheated with and you will always have doubt in your mind every time he is one the phone, texting or being anywhere without you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2010): Assuming you are both being truthful about wanting to rebuild your marriage, and I mean absolutely truthful, you might want to accept the ongoing contact...for now. I had the same exact thing happen to me. I met a woman at work, had an affair, and continued to talk to her occasionally. I was going through marriage counseling with my wife after I told her about the affair. I was in earnest about rebuilding the marriage, and I had cut it off with the mistress to do so...except for phone calls. Well, my wife found the phone bill, freaked, even called the mistress to bitch. It was a mess. I understand her reaction, but she said we were through...because I made a few phone calls. It is sad, because the calls were out of friendship and were not in any way continuing the affair. I was intent on rebuilding the marriage, but was tapering off the relationship I had with my mistress. Now, I know everyone seems to feel that it is best to cleanly sever relationships and that adulterers should burn in a pit of hell and all, but frankly, that is not human nature. You cannot always cut off a relationship cleanly, even if it is the right thing to do, and especially when there is love involved. I was going through so much grief and guilt, I had to sever gradually. I was also a bit fearful of outbursts or retalliation from the mistress if I cut her completely (as in Fatal Attraction psycho).
I'm not saying this is his intent or what he is doing. I would still keep a VERY close eye on him and be sure he understands your needs and moves in that direction. But don't assume because he talks to her he is still perpetuating the affair.
Someone helped me understand that adultery is a disease. It is a weakness. It is something that is immeasurably hard for the estranged wife to bear. But just think...if you are able to look at it this way and help him past this disease of sin, what your marriage has the potential to be. Think "in sickness and in health here". I realize he violated his vows, so dont feel bad if you just cant forgive. Many don't survive an adulterous relationship...understandable. But adultery is NOT the end of the world. Many, many people go through it and recover. Doesn't make it right, but it happens. But you need to do what is right for YOU. God bless.
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A
female
reader, gray264 +, writes (9 August 2010):
 I think the main question here is: Can you ever trust him again?
He betrayed that trust. I've read it a million times, and I never really looked at it as I do now: Trust is KEY to any relationship. Without trust, or with broken trust, there is always going to be doubt. With doubt, comes suspicion. With suspicion, comes fights. Those are never good.
Can you ever trust him again? And if so, what is it he needs to do to gain back that trust?
I think you two need to have a long sit down chat. It's crucial if you really want to stay with this guy.
In my opinion, with him still talking to this other woman, and the (as much as I hate to say it) passion they shared together that one night, there is ALWAYS the possibility of another "mistake".
So to recap, my advice is to really consider your own feelings in all of this, and think hard about them. If there is a possibility you will be able to trust him again, talk to him about it. Talk, talk, talk. It may be hard, but things need to be said that aren't being said.
I wish you the best of luck.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (9 August 2010):
 I think you are either going to have to trust him or move on...that's what I think.
The other woman wants your man that is the bottom line here. He likes the attention regardless if he is telling you he has no feelings for her.
Decide what it is you need from him in order for you to trust him. If it is cutting all contact with this woman, then he needs to be willing to find another place of employment...because they will still be seeing each other every day at work.
Let me ask you this one quetion. Why are you dating the same man for 5 years without a committment from him as in engagement/marriage? Do you really think it takes that long for a man to decide that you are the ONE? The answer is it doesn't. Are you at all sure that your man is ready to be faithful and committed to you? Because most men do NOT commit until they are engaged to be married...or are actually walking down the aisle. In their minds they are simply dating you, and dating is not a finite situation, they know at any time if someone better comes along, you are history.
So what should you do? Date other men and keep your heart open to other men until he decides to step up to the plat and claim you as the ONE he wants to marry, that requires a ring, a wedding date and a full committment. Anything less and you are in a pretend relationship. You are putting your very own love life at risk by thinking you are already his wife, his ONE and only and you both are on the path to happily ever after....you aren't.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (9 August 2010):
 I agree that it sounds like he's playing you. It doesn't sound like he feels that bad for cheating, more that he feels bad for being caught. The reason is that he didn't tell you until you forced it out of him. If he had come clean the next day, that's one thing. But he kept this thing secret for a year! He never had any intention of telling you. That's not a good sign. Also, if they truly felt bad for what they did, they wouldn't be texting continuously. You have every right to demand he cut contact with this girl. You should give him an ultimatum. And remember that if he doesn't stick to it, you have to leave.
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A
female
reader, cocoqueen88 +, writes (9 August 2010):
 You may really love him but it sounds like you're playing the fool in this relationship. his actions are telling you that he still wants to have a relationship with this other person and it really doesn't matter what you think.
clearly you are uncomfortable with his texting this girl and he is ignoring you. 5 years or not dump him before you drive yourself crazy.
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A
female
reader, Lotsalove. +, writes (9 August 2010):
 You just hit the nail on the head. It's time to give your boyfriend an ultimatum.. Eventhough he sounds sorry and full of remorse for cheating on you, and you sound like you can forgive and forget, he has to cut off all connection from this woman. Afterall she was 'the other woman'. It's just morally wrong to apologise and then continue to talk to them.
You need to tell him straight 'You either cut all communication with her (obviously hes going to see her work, but he needn't talk to her) and work on your relationship..OR.. The relationship is over'. I know it sounds very harsh and to the point, but it sounds like he's not seeing the damage hes doing further by still being in contact with her.
Giving him the ultimatum will show his true feelings, whether he's 100% about working on your relationship and moving forward, or whether he wants to pursue something with this other woman.
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, ruby buttons  +, writes (9 August 2010):
 im sorry to say this but he is having his cake and eating it!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): Hey there. Sorry for your situation. But I'll be honest. Dump him. Why? Because he cheated on you both physically and emotionally and seems to still be cheating emotionally. You will be miserable in this relationship as he does not have proper respect for you and you do not trust him. Leave now.
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