A
female
age
51-59,
*RINCESSPIE
writes:I need some guidance, I've always considered myself a self sorter/independant/get on with it kind of girl but my current sitation has left me flumaxed! Im late 30s and been in a relationship with my husband for 15 years..married for 5 years...2 children of 10yr and 8 yrs....for the past 12months and slowy over time I have realised that although I deeply love my husband, he is a hard worker, great father etc I am not in love with him, it upsets me even to type the words 'the spark has gone'.....but whats worse is I dont feel enough anymore to keep trying...we havent had sex for a month now, usually it would be a 2 may be 3 times a month (probably less if he stopped initiating sex)he thinks I have a very low sex drive, but I know I dont, its just I need to feel the connection again before making love...My husband keeps in shape, is fit, healthy and good looking so I really have no excuses but there is something missing.We have 2 beautiful children, we both work, Ive had through redundancies and set city contract times left and started various new jobs over the past few years. I do feel like I am always putting myself out there (and so I should) but its left me tired and uncommunicative. My husband points out that the kids get all the higs,kisses, cuddles and quality time and that he gets left out, but I find you can give out to your kids 'just because' and they give back in so many other life enriching ways. Where before if I was in diagreement with my husband I used to passionately argue my case now im like 'what ever, 'what ever you want'. We both agree on finances, the way we bring our kids up etc...so there are no issues there..it just seems all very flat now...I now even ignore his calls home during the day purely because I have nothing to say and want to spare him the awkward silences...he would be so hurt if he knew the truth of his missed calls...is this just a blip or the end of the road? I dont know if anyone else has this feeling but I even look back on our wedding day and feel 'sad' I know I was happy at the time but why do I feel 'sad' now? Im very confused.
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sex drive, spark, wedding Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (18 August 2010):
 "one thing i dont want is my man my kids father falling for the attention of a lonely other women"
Temptation cuts both ways... "losing" your feelings for your husband sets you up for an extramarital affair too, so worry less about what your husband could be up to and get working.
A
female
reader, Chippy2  +, writes (18 August 2010):
There is a book out there called The 7 Stages of Marriage. Maybe what you are going thru - I don't know I divorced my hubby over other issues - but you may want to look for the book and see what is listed in there - you may find where you are right now! Best of Luck!
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A
female
reader, PRINCESSPIE +, writes (18 August 2010):
PRINCESSPIE is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the kicks up the backside !
I get the point - one thing i dont want is my man my kids father falling for the attention of a lonely other women - i am lucky and i think i was misunderstood this isnt a financial issue - it just an added pressure.
I believe i hav stepped on a diff path and am making great efforts to zigga zig ahhh !!
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (10 August 2010):
 I have a ton of suggestions that might help.. but there is no point in telling you until you decide whether you want to stay married, try to change things and regain the happiness you once had...
People fall in love, it's nice and exciting.. but to keep the love going takes a lot of attention and time...
Relationships are like fire, if you forgot to put in energy they die out and turn to ashes very, very quickly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): one more thing.. it takes two... dont forget that.. you both sound like nice people.. not just him.. and can we all get off the illl take your man bandwagon please? again it takes two and honey i have my own hubby so i dont want yours.. work together..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): PRINCESSPIE,
It doesn't seem as though you apprec. the advice given to you today. You are still mentioning a gym membership and family vacations. Those things are all fine and dandy, but what's more important is that you get your head off cloud nine and start thinking logical about your marriage. If you want to throw it away..that's on you, but as some of the posters have cited, your husband will not have a problem going out here and finding a woman who will appreciate him and have a great time with. Stop it with the "buts" and what you want...think about how great your husband is and fix your mind on appreciating him and making the marriage work for the both of you. You are causing problems where there need not be. YOU are the problem at this point, as your husband hasn't done anything wrong towards you or the kids. All the money problems in the world, wouldn't keep me away from a person I love deeply, so I don't buy that excuse when couples mention it as a factor in splitting up. Obviously there priorites weren't straight from the start. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being finan. stable and that sort of thing, but it shouldn't be the begin all and end all of whether or not a marraige is successful.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): Chippy2,
I love your motto "Use it or Lose it." that is so damn true!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): I love what one of the anyo. writers wrote.....heck if you don't want your husband, send him my way..lol..lol. I would be more than thrilled to have a decent man who provides for me and loves me and actually shows it. He wouldn't have any complaints from me that's for certain. I guess some people are just so ungrateful....it shameful to be honest.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): There is no such thing as being "in love." Either you love a person or you don't. Now there is a such thing as a person loving to the point of being irrational or excited, but as time goes on, that wears off for the most part, but as long as you love the person enough to be loyal, faithful, and respectful, there shouldnt' be an issue. If you cheat or leave your marriage for the sake of finding this "in love" crap, you are going to regret it big time. You should be more focus on rec. and giving love in a logical manner, not in a manner that gives you "butterflies" in your stomach--this is where alot of people mess up and end up losing something great.
If you are bored, then get out and do things to spice up your life and marriage. You mentioned anything that indicates your husband is a jerk of any kind, BUT your behavior towards him seems to be. How are you NOT going to shower your husband with hugs and kisses? YOU ARE THE PROBLEM, not your husband. Furthermore, he is NOT resp. for your happiness and making sure you are not bored. Usually the people who complain about being bored, they are the ones who are boring, not those around them. Now I am NOT indicating that you are a boring person, all I am saying is that you shouldn't put that sort of resp. or pressure on your husband to keep your marriage interesting. There will be periods where you are bored and periods where there will be excitment.
Don't mess up your relationship over some silly thing that doesn't exist.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (9 August 2010):
Honey, this is one test of many that a marriage faces. I call this the "let's see what happens if one or both stop working at the marriage" test.
The hot sex and lusting and love addiction creates the initial bond. Respect and work keep it strong over time. If you want to say that you've done all you can, then the first step is for both of you to respect the marriage by admitting the neglect. Until that happens, you are stuck and probably on a path to giving in to temptation when it eventually comes along. Good luck and take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): I am going to sound harsh but you are creating problems that do not exist.. Realistically, after all of these years your heart would not skip a beat with anyone.. We are not teenagers. You are soo blessed and are ruining it by whining when you should be working on your marriAge.. You are not dealing with death or heAlth problems.. So sorry he is bothering youy during the day. If you were alone in the world you would be sittng by the phone.. Please send him my way. I would be interested!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): I posted here about trying to get my wife back after an affair. The marriage fell apart for almost the exact same things you mention. Looking back, I wish we would have gone to counseling sooner. I suggest you go as soon as you can. You need others to help you find your way back, but rest assured, you CAN and WILL find your way back. Don't fall into the same put of unhappiness and sin I did. Fix your marriage! The spark is there. You just have to realize that the flames have now become embers. But embers burn hotter even if they're not as brilliant anymore.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): Perhaps you need to spice up your life your marriage. You could be just feeling humdrum overall and blaming it on your marriage. Change your hair style, color. Excercise new clothes things to improve YOU. Try a new hobby. Set up a romantic get away plan everything so you know there wont be awkward silences. Go on dates with your husband like you use to. My sister went through something very similar it took a separation to make her realize that 17 years and then were still doing the same things. They needed to spice things up and now they're enjoying themselves again. Enjoying each other and even enjoying the kids together. You feel blah but you're doing NOTHING to remedy it except complain and blame your husband. Sit down and imagine him not being your husband. Imagine him with another woman and no longer yours. Never again to be yours. Its not over but it will be if you dont make the changes you're in control of.
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female
reader, Chippy2 +, writes (9 August 2010):
If you don't talk and try to work this out - believe me there are plenty of women out there that are gonna see this in him and initiate contact! Co-worker, friend, etc...
Please realize what you have is so special - you can re-create that spark!
Tell him you want to spice things up - or just grab him and give him a big kiss when he comes home.
My motto is Use it or Lose it! You have so much going for your relationship - and outings and gym time are not what is important - it is spending time with each other NO matter where you are. Watching a movie on the sofa holding each other, sitting outside holding hands looking at the stars...Good Luck
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female
reader, Practical  +, writes (9 August 2010):
I think that because u r in late 30s and have been pressured at work .. and raising kids can take up all the left energy u have..
there's nothing wrong with your marriage .. it's just pressure that may have caused u to feel depressed and re-focused on your relationship with your husband.. U SHOULD talk to your husband and go see a therapist then a marriage counsel..
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female
reader, PRINCESSPIE +, writes (9 August 2010):
PRINCESSPIE is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your reponse, I know you are right, yes we should make more time, but to add to my frustrations, financially times are really tough right now - we cancelled our 2 week family holiday for August (loosing the deposit) simply because we had to be realistic-funds wouldnt stretch. Any spare cash that comes our way is spent on family outings. I used to enjoy weekly trips to the gym, but again due to recent finances I pulled the membership a year ago. I just want to get that skip in my heart when I see my husband, rather than a quick exit up the stairs for an early night :(
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A
female
reader, Just_Me_07 +, writes (9 August 2010):
here are my thoughts,
He loves you, he probably knows something is going on with you, that's why he is calling through out the day. He's trying to reach out to you.
You've had a hard time lately, working very hard, etc. That can make anyone tired. Believe me, I know. Also, I am your age and have been married 18 years now. Some things may change but let me tell you, Love does not! Hormones change, but Love does not!
Find something that your interested in, I pray that you renew your spark to life.
From you letter, Your husband sounds like a good man, Maybe you talk to him about how you feel. Maybe the 2 of you take some time off together just for your relationship.
Blessings
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