A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I have just returned from a day out with my boyfriend of 18 months followed by yet another row. My boyfriend seems to be obsessed with women's bodies. I am slim and considered pretty and he always compliments me and what I wear. I used to have a lot of confidence which I feel is eroiding over the last year. I am truly not imagining this. Every time an attractive woman is within his view he is turning round to look at her or over his shoulder or scanning her up and down. I can't deal with this anymore. We have talked calmly/argued about/ I have cried/ he has walked out/ and it is always the same, he apologises and says he is not aware of what he is doing and by the time he has looked a woman up and down or looked over his shoulder she has passed us by. It has got to the point where I just walk out of a supermarket or restaurant because I just can't be subjected to this anymore. And by the way I am not paranoid, insecure, jealous, been abused or had this problem with any of my ex's.I am at my wits end as to how to resolve this. He refuses to go to couples counselling as he thinks it is all in my head and I am exaggerating everything and now making him feel like he is a pervert or something.Any ideas guys of how to overcome this?
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female
reader, Nime  +, writes (26 January 2011):
 I don't get what's wrong with looking? I'm a straight female, but if a really good looking woman passes me by, I look - because she's beautiful to look at. She catches my eye. Same with cleavage or long bare legs; you can't help it, you just look, your eyes find their way there. Haven't you noticed how women's magazines are filled with pictures of FEMALE models? Why do you think that is? Because both men and women appreciate the female form. Don't you sometimes flip through those magazines and just like to look? Don't you ever discuss who's pretty and who's not with your girl friends? The attraction to look is there even for you, just admit it. Well, for a guy it's much worse. Why? Because just looking at female curves has been shown to have a similar chemical response in the male brain as eating chocolate does in the female brain. It's mood-elevating and slightly addicting. It's a natural response. Can you really blame your guy for acting like what he is? I know it must be hard to deal with, but don't give up on a great guy or drive yourself crazy just because he's giving in to instinct. He's probably not going to change, but your problem really can be overcome with a healthy sense of self-esteem. My brother openly looks at other women all the time in front of his girlfriend and she does not care. My brother will even call her up to tell her about a 'super sexy woman' he saw walking by. His girlfriend thinks it's cute. She'll even discuss it with him or point out girls she thinks are prettier. How cool is that? Try to change your mindset and you can even have fun with this.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): The one who doesnt hide their behavior gets a raw deal,an ear bashing off the one who`s considerate enough to do what hurts their s.o. in private. As it is i am a perv and i am proud. My womans policy is look as much as you want but dont touch. When i get looked at she laughs and says look at her over there. You wouldnt would you? Explain to your bf that if he wants to behave like he does he should let you go,and then get a more secure woman,or at the very least do it behind your back. Tell him to keep his eyes to the floor and you will watch he doesnt bang into the door. To end on a better note,i bet you imagine most of it because you are so determined to catch him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): Now there is a difference between looking and leering. Your boyfriend is showing no respect to you by looking these women up and down, turning his head around to look again. Having a cheeky look may be fine but what he is doing is not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): Hi there..I know how you feel....My boyfriend of 4 years did the same...not looking but stops acting like i was there and he was out with the lads on the town..amount of times id walk away and we argued!When we went on holiday it was'nt a holiday 4 me..it means boobs and bums n no fun 4 me..In the end we was close to splitting up untill i put the shoe on the other foot..and said how wud u like it if u was talking to me and i kept looking at a guy behind you with a six pck and was'nt even looking at u when u kept talking..He then realised how bad it was,said he didnt realise i was doin it, ( dunno if men say that to get out of it) im sure they do! but anways since i made him see if from my side he dos'nt goorp anymore! he looks but dos'nt keep looking!And when he dose i just keep looking at men untill i see him stop doing it with women ( cos he has noticed im doin it and he hated it) TRY IT!!! X
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A
female
reader, Plexi  +, writes (25 January 2011):
 You can't do anything to change him. He is clearly a very visual person and is distracted by beautiful women..........he is with You afterall isn't he? As long as he just looks and doesn't try to touch then I would work more on your confidence and self esteem then on trying to get hi not to look. Think of it this way.......it's like you going top the mall.....passing by a store with a beautiful diamond necklace in the window......you might stop to look for a sec right? it does not mean that you are going to go in and buy it or like the diamond necklace you already have any less! It's just window shopping for him! Is it possible that the real reson you are upset isn't because he looks at other women but because you are afraid he won't look at you the same and you won't receive compliments from him anymore?
As soon as you stop caring and start acting with more confidence you will see that he won't even notice other women:)
hope this helps a bit.........
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A
female
reader, RealGirlNextDoor  +, writes (25 January 2011):
I understand how It must make you feel, but as has been said It is going to be difficult to work things out if he doesn't want to confront the problem or understand the insecurities his actions cause you. If it keeps happening maybe you should think to yourself if it is worth having being with somebody that you can't enjoy "outings" with. I believe most people do this, maybe not as exagerated as you say, but it is something quite natural and that anyone who has a partner has to understand and ajust to. As women we have a lot of pressure on us from society to be beautiful and perfect in many ways (as mothers, partners..), but we have to face that this is not who we are and not feel insecure or feel the urge to compare ourselves to others. Again, as has already been said, you should take into account that your partner is with you and that therefore he obviously finds you attractive and loves you for who you are.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (25 January 2011):
 When you are out and about, in town, maybe a bar, a resturant its hard not to notice people around you, espessially attractive fit people. Noticing members of the opposite sex while you are out is unavoidable, unless you sent him out in a pair of horse blinkers, or a blindfold. Maybe its abit over the top scanning them up and down like he does, espessially in front of you. At the end of the day he is with you, and not these strangers on the street, or in the resturant. Like the old saying, window shopping, its ok to look but not to touch. I know how you must feel when he does this, but just think to yourself that these people are no-body, and he is in a relationship with you not them. Do you never give a second look to a fit guy who walks past, or a stunning waiter who pours your wine- maybe you should and see how he handles it.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, xmisshayleyx +, writes (25 January 2011):
He needs to realize how it makes you feel. Guys are very stubborn and hate to be caught doing something wrong. The fact that you catch him and point it out and he still does not change means he doesn't have enough respect for you. Maybe he is not the one for you. You should not have a guy in your life that lowers your confidence. If anything he should be boosting it!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (25 January 2011):
 You can't until he's willing to admit that there's a problem and face it head on. Him denying it just dismisses your feelings.
In a relationship, when one person has a problem, the relationship has a problem.
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A
female
reader, cry +, writes (25 January 2011):
 let him look. so what, at least hes not cheeting.are you secure enuff in your relationship to let your man go out with a lady (friend)to the movies .maby you need to freshen up your sex life so he dosent have the urge to look.you cant get mad for him looking. women are everywhare.thats verry mature one of you gives in and says sorry. good luk
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