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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have been going through a rough patch lately... I asked him if he was still with me just because of the sex (because it seems it's the time he enjoys the most when he's with me), so he said:"Look, there are hotter girls than you out there, if I only wanted sex I'd be with them. No offence, you're hot, but I'm not with you just because of the sex, considering I endure the other problems of the relationship too. I love you, that's why I'm still with you".I feel so insecure now. I'm comparing myself to every other girl who walks my way. I'm wondering if I should start working out to get the best body possible? I mean, he seems very appreciative of my body, but it bothers me to no end to know that there are "hotter girls" out there, and who knows how much he drools when I'm not around. Help! How can I feel better? I feel so ugly right now!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): He's being honest, that's rare and important. It means that he will tell you what's going on in his head, it may not always come out the best way but he seems to me like an honest guy.I socialise more with my boyfriends friends than my own and thus I've seen how some guys are. Honest guys are better, it means if there's a problem with the relationship he will talk about it with you and not so much his buddy's. About the not feeling very good about your appearance, as said by some1 else above, dress in clothing that makes you feel (and thus look) good. When you feel better you look better. Also a simple note (i.e. I like me / I'm pretty) put where you will see it regularly might help, I know it helped me when I didn't feel good about the same thing.He didn't mean to hurt you, I'd suggest not to obsess over it. If you really need to say something about it say it gently, he probably doesn't have a clue of how distressed you are about this.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (6 May 2008):
 He thought he was being nice but thinking is not something men do well especially when it comes to what to say to a woman.
He meant it as a declaration of love, that he is not just with your for your body and the use of it, but for you, the person.
This is generally considered to be a good thing, he just put it very very badly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): You stated you and your boyfriend are going through a rough patch. You should be very concerned about why.
You asked him if he is only here because of sex, meaning in a hypothetical way that if you cut him off from sex, you think he would leave you. His reply, in a man's way, said the obvious, that there are hotter girls out there, which in a man's mind usually is labeled by society with sex. He said you were hot too, which means he has a physical attraction to you, and he doesn't with other women that could be classified as being hotter.
He said that even though there are hardships in the relationship, that he loves you. This means he wants you forever, that you mean the most to him, and that he wants something deeper with you.
What you should be concentrating on is trusting him, loving him and accepting him, even when he doesn't make himself clear. He was talking the male way of communication, logically, and there was nothing in his statement that lessoned your beauty or love for you as an individual: you should be proud of the man you have.
My wife does the same thing, I say one thing and she interprets it another way. But this is typical among the sexes; read "men are from mars and women are from venus". This post is the perfect example of it.
So don't weigh his shoulders with more of a rough patch, and accept his male way of communication as a compliment, doing anything else will only hurt his feelings, confuse him more, and make it harder for the two of you to be happy. Someone hs to step up to the plate and forgive and forget.
Were all happy that you came here to post your feelings, and we hope we've offered enough of ourselves to help you through this rough spot in your relationship.
Take care, and good luck!
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A
female
reader, PreciousNY  +, writes (6 May 2008):
I don't think that you should obsess over this. He shouldn't have said what he said, but he meant well. He is young and probably didn't even realize that what he said could be taken to heart by you. I would be very happy if my husband told me that. As most other readers said he is telling you that there are hotter girls than you but he wants you and you only. All men think this way and it's true, (they just don't say it) they all see hotter woman than their wives/girlfriends, who cares. The same way we see hotter guys than our husbands/boyfriends. I wouldn't even make a big big deal over this to your bf. He seems like one of the rare good ones that is honest with you. If you start to make big deals about little things he will start to not be so honest with you. You must pick and choose your battles wisely.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): Yes He was being very blunt! but the overall message is a good one for you, he still called you hot! and said that he loved you very much and wouldn't cheat. Yes if I was you, I say to him that I didn't like the fact you called other girls hotter than you. No partner should ever say that.
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (6 May 2008):
 Actually, what he said was better than saying you're the hottest girl in the world. If having the hottest girlfriend in the world is the most important thing for him, what are you going to do when he meets someone hotter than you? You going to feel very insecure!
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (6 May 2008):
Birdynumnums said it all.
The guy has told you that (1) it's not about sex, it's about love, and (2) even if the sexiest girl in the world was clamouring to get into his pants she wouldn't get anywhere because he loves you. That's a pretty breathtaking thing to say.
There are always going to be hotter girls than you out there. That's a fact. There are obviously going to be hotter men than him out there, too. He's telling you that it's not important, because he loves you. Can't you see what he is saying?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): this responce is straight from a young dumb 18 year old guy, your boy honestly didn't mean anything by saying there are hotter girls out there, because honestly there are. the point he was trying to make with that comment is just that he loves you and your body and if he was honestly in it for the sex he could possibly go for a better body and an idiot uncaring personality. i would say that he could have worded it better, but honestly its ok. he isn't looking to cheat either because from my experiance you never say other girls are hotter if youre a cheater, it draws suspicion.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (6 May 2008):
 Sometimes a man see things differently and uses words which
may mean another thing to a female.
His intentions is good and telling you that he loves you but the way it was phrased makes you felt insecure.
His message is that he loves you even though there are hotter girls out there.
You should be proud but you are focusing on the hotter girls and missing the bigger picture.
He loved you but it was spoken in his own crude way and not phrased in your way.
Look at the bigger picture . Look at the positive aspects and not the negative .
A man's good intentions can be easily misinterpreted by a
woman and it can be puzzling to men why women react so
differently because they don't talk in the same love language.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): I have a deeper response for you. When it comes to him do whatever you want to do with him. Keep him, dump him but never accept what he said. That hurts a woman's self esteem greatly and men don't understand that.
Don't believe it. In order to have a good self esteem you should never believe there are hotter women than you out there. Close your bedroom door and put on your sexier clothes and fix yourself and have a flirty chat with YOURSELF.
How much of your self esteem are you placing on your partner's hands? Too much I would say.
You have to fight constantly those thoughts and desperate needs for someone who accepts you and needs you. Yes we all have basic needs of affection and acceptance but the most basic need of all human beings is to love and accept themselves unconditionally before caring about any other human being on earth says about them.
Love your defects. Love your body. Believe no other woman is as special as you are. Never focus on any other woman's physical attributes (specially celebrities who are made of makeup) Do not succumb to the thoughts of admiring any other woman over you and you won't need reassurance from no man.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): I think this guy's heart is in the right place. He was being an idiot when he said that but I think you should be an optimist. He may be arrogant but it sounds like he wants to be with you. Besides if you want to make him squirm just say: "yeah just like there are guys bigger than you, but I still want to be with you." He won't like it but he won't be able to say anything about it...
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (6 May 2008):
 Did you actually reread the "part" where you wrote what he actually "Declared?" - because that was a DECLARATION, Honestly!!!!!!! (That was actually the part where you should have jumped him and told him that you would have his Babies!!!) The guy loves you and he's one of the good ones, Honey. He was just being honestly blunt, but in his clumsy attempt at a reasonable semblance of the truth, he spoke volumes! You can't expect him to tell you that he is deaf, dumb and blind and that you are Angelina Jolie or whoever else you are measuring yourself against. Stop making him jump through hoops and recognize that YOU are the object of his affections. No matter WHO he sees, YOU have won his heart! THAT'S WHAT HE SAID!!!!!!!!! Don't let him go!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (6 May 2008):
 "Hotter" is relative. What a man finds hot, another does not. And then, some women get hotter when you get to know them well. Stop comparing yourself to other girls; you're who you are, and that's a lot.
Maybe you can tell your boyfriend that there are men who are hotter than him, too?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): Geesh. It sounds like you're dating my ex.
Just talk to him about it. That's really all you can do. Admittedly he's just going to get defensive, but he should know how you feel.
I believe in 100 percent honesty. Maybe you just aren't happy anymore and should consider getting out of the relationship? From his nonchalant reply to your worries, it almost sounds like he's just too frustrated with the relationship to care anymore.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): I think you should ignore the hot comment and work on the other issues he mentioned.
Why do women get stuck on one thing and ignore the more important thing a man is telling them?
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A
female
reader, happytochat +, writes (6 May 2008):
I understand why you are upset. I think what your bf said had good intentions but it came out as being very insensitive to your feelings.
I believe he took the whole 'always tell the truth' beleif too far.
You could try workng out more to improve your body but the reality is that there are always going to be someone bigger and better then you out there, not just look wise but in everything you do! Someone will always be better. And this isnt just to you, it hapens to me and everone else on this web site and in the whole entire world. Its impossible to be perfect and to be the best because there is no such thing as really the best or perfection. So if you do what you are thought about doing you will be aiming for a IMPOSSBLE goal.
So in my opinion trying to improve yourself wont make you feel anybetter.
I think you need to work on your self esteem, come to love yourself how you are because you are a beautiful person and you need to beleive that. You also shoudl talk to your bf about what he said. Explain that what he said upset you, but you do understand he was just trying to be hoenst. Hopefully next time he will try and be more considerate of your feelings.
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