A
female
age
51-59,
*ojo-majic
writes:HELP! I have been seeing a guy for 2 years now. He used to talk about getting married sometime in the future (neither of us was ready in the early stages) but now he has told me that he doesn't believe in marriage and he won't marry me. At this stage we don't live together as he has 3 children from a previous de facto relationship (20 years) and I have 3 children from a previous marriage of 10 years. I believe in marriage and what it signifies and to me it is a further commitment, not just a piece of paper. ( I left my husband as he was an alcoholic and abusive and it started to affect my children). I know that I want to be with someone who loves me enough to want to marry me. I have told him that I don't want to live with someone if they don't love me enough and marriage is not on the cards. He says that he does love me and wants to live with me but really doesn't want to get married (ever!). I feel betrayed that he led me to believe he would marry me if I was the "one for him" and has now changed his mind. I don't know whether I should stay and enjoy the good relationship we have when I know that further down the track this is likely to be an issue for me, or should I go? I am so hurt and confused. A male perspective or one from someone who has been in this situation would be great.
View related questions:
alcoholic Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): I agree that he may want you for the long haul but he may just be spooked about getting married again.
Men often experience marriage as very little to be thrilled about. It's usually not any change in the relationship situation to them. It's just a roll of the dice that your relationship doesn't go sour later.
Heads: The two of you spend 2 months' pay on a wedding, and then nothing else in his life really changes.
Tails: The two of you spend 2 months pay on a wedding, and then nothing else really changes in the short term. Then several years later if things go bad, you get the house & kids and he keeps the bill for it all.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (6 May 2008):
 I have come across this question three times already, and I've been learning each time.
Just for the sake of clarity, and without the intention of defending anyone, I have to say that not marrying you doesn't necessarily mean that a man can't love you with a serious commitment. Some couples never marry, because no party wants to; and that doesn't mean they don't love each other.
But that's the general idea. In your particular case, I can guess why he won't marry: maybe he's afraid that a legal marriage can make him the legal responsible for six children, and that's a heavy burden. Bear in mind, dear poster, that this is only my guess. I don't know why he's not marrying you.
Where I live, this sort of dilemmas is very common. I know this is not your case, but let me describe what usually happens: man meets woman, they sleep together, she gets pregnant, and he goes to live with her, but never marries her. He wants to be free to go anytime, without the complications of marriage. He might never leave her, but he wants the option open.
The woman is left to choose one of two evils: either she takes this offer, and never marries, or she refuses it, and the man goes away. In our countries, women almost invariably choose that he stays even if he won't marry. If he leaves, he won't help her with the kid. And her next love will be more demanding, won't marry her either.... you get the picture.
I think you should choose staying with him. It's the lesser evil.
When he was a thirty-something, and already had four daughters with two different women, my grandpa got involved with a woman. This woman had four children already, by three different men. She had been abandoned three times already. My grandpa moved in with her and her children, and they had a daughter. He never married this lady. I'm sure it was he who wouldn't do it. In her position, his woman would have wanted security, but she never got it through marriage.
When my grandpa knew he was close to dying, he married her, so she could claim widow benefits. That was like forty years after he moved in with her.
On the other hand, my grandpa did take care of her four children. They were as much his as my mother and her sisters are. Indeed, years later, he had a lot of non-biological grandchildren. They all called him grandpa, and that was no exaggeration; it was very accurate. In more than one way, those children and grandchildren were more his family than we were. I shared his roof for a few months; they shared their entire lifetimes with him.
I guess his woman chose the lesser evil.
...............................
A
female
reader, Optomistic  +, writes (6 May 2008):
It sounds like he is trying to be honest with you and telling you what he wants for himself in the future. I know it is not what you wanted to hear and I know from experience it is probably very painful.You love him and now you are considering compromising what is important to you and your beliefs. I believe that level of respect and compromise should be reserved for your husband. If marriage is important for you in a relationship you should consider the possibility of being with someone who shares those same values. Trust me, they are out there and 8 years later I'm glad I didn't settle.
...............................
A
female
reader, happytochat +, writes (6 May 2008):
This is a big decision you have to make.
Firstly you must find out why he doesnt want to get married. Why did he change his mind, what caused it? Once you understand exactly why he is thinking what he is thinking you will know what you are dealing with.
I understand you feel portrayed as he lead you to believe he wanted marriage in the first place. Do you believe he honestly did want to get married and something changed his midn, or do you believe he only pretended he wanted to get married to impress you type of thing?
Some things to think about before making the decision of what to do...
...............................
A
male
reader, JesseENG +, writes (6 May 2008):
i dont really have any good advice for you, but i wanted to let you know people are reading this. id like to be able to help ya out but im for marriage so i dunno...
hope it works out for the best though
...............................
|
