A
male
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*aughn
writes:Hi,I have a kinda tricky situation here...Any advice would be really helpful..I've got a female friend called Sam...she's 18..We've been great friends for 3 years now and we connect on everything so well. However shes engaged now...and back in late January this year we had a real heart to heart..something that had been on it's way for some time now. Anyway we both had a real heart to heart and quite a few things come out that had to be said, during our heart to heart she told me she has feelings for me..quite deep ones aswell and I said the same to her because it's been there for some time and we both just kinda tried to deny it and since then we haven't really spoke about it much since then and her fiancee is away in Canada for 3 months and she wants to come down to stay over at my house. so I said yeah sure, I want you to come down..so I have a double bed and I said you can have the bed and I will sleep on the floor to be fair..anyway she said she wants me to sleep in the bed and has hinted things about us sleeping together so I've just said yeah ok sure ya know, because we deffo feel something for each other. We always text each other and are everytime say stuff like Love you and I Love you, and If the truth be known I do in a way want to be with her alot and am sure she wants the same...were just trying to work out what to do or how to go about it..without causing any hurt.Anyone has any ideas about what to do...advice is appreciated :) Thanks.
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male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (6 May 2008):
 What? She's engaged at 18? I think she's too young to make that commitment. But this is a difficult situation for you.
Possible scenarios:
YOU SLEEP WITH HER
1. You sleep with her and she decides she still wants to go ahead with the marriage. This is the sticky one. She cheats on her fiance and also ends up leading you in too deep. Everyone gets hurt. Plus she might continue cheating after the marriage. Morally invidious.
2. You sleep with her and she decides she loves you rather than him, causing her to call the engagement off. This will hurt the other guy, but it's better to call an engagement off than go into a marriage that she's not ready for. Alternatively, you sleep with her and she feels so bad she calls the engagement off, but doesn't get together with you.
YOU DON'T SLEEP WITH HER
3. You don't sleep with her and she goes ahead with the marriage. Then,
a. Later on (much later on), she realises that she doesn't love this guy and the marriage is a disaster. She decides out, or she decides to cheat. Disaster all around, all because she got engaged too early.
b. Alternatively, the marriage may be a great success. All that happens is you both missed out on a chance for some casual sex.
4. You don't sleep with her. Despite this, she eventually decides to call the engagement off and (possibly) get together with you. Morally, this is the best outcome. She hasn't cheated, and you haven't either.
Of course, if you don't sleep with her, there may be a higher chance of 3. happening. If you do sleep with her, there may be a higher chance of 2. That is, sleeping with her might tip the scales...
I'd hate to be in your shoes.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): Tell her that she's not ready to get married.
Even if she never touches YOU again, she's still clearly not ready for a ring with anyone. Tell her to get the fairy tale out of her mind and start thinking about what a committed relationship really means. It's more that just a party and an expensive dress.
(I am not meaning to be totally sarcastic about this, I am being serious. She is engaged for a lifetime commitment and she isn't demonstrating much grasp of what that really demands from her.)
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A
male
reader, PeterPan  +, writes (6 May 2008):
 You know, somebody's going to get hurt in this... you, Sam or the fiancee in Canada -- I'm not sure who, but that much is sure...
Should you and Sam "do it"? Well, if you do, and you and Sam don't do something about this unrequited love (like coming clean with the fiancee and calling it off), you'll probably never be able to be in her company on casual social occasions again because of the air around you two...
On the other hand if you don't see how you feel together, at some point in the future, both of you are going to wondering about it.
This is a tough one. I kind of think that before "do it", I think you two need to sit down and decide how you both want to play this one. You both have to be in 100% agreement -- period. Discuss all the pro's and con's -- lay it all out on the table. Discuss it all, especially the hurt party issue... and please, do this BEFORE you sleep together... I think that would be much better...
Good luck... and keep the kevlar vests handy... this won't be pretty for somebody, I'm sorry to say...
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (6 May 2008):
 The answer from the moral brigade: You don't sleep with engaged women.
A hard fact: you never sleep with anybody's woman without causing hurt. Maybe the guy never gets to know it, but you did him a terrible wrong anyways.
The answer from the man who takes his chances: why do you want these complications? I'm not sure she loves you. She's engaged to someone else. Sometimes people fall out of love, but I don't think that's the case here. It seems like she only wants adventure. Adventure is fine, but, why do you have to have them with engaged women?
If she has real feelings for you, why doesn't she call the wedding off, to be with you? You say that her feelings had been on their way for quite some time. How come she is engaged to him?
The cynic: I guess she only wants to sleep with you.
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