A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:this is probably really stupid but i was talking to my bf and before we hit the city, was joking about getting mugged and asked if he'd protect me. he said he wasn't going to go out of his way if it'd put himself in danger. i was like, so you'd wouldn't die for me? and he was like, of course not! he's been my bf for a year and even though i laughed it off, i was so hurt that he wouldn't protect me like a man should. is this a sign that i should boot him? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all being so honest. I completely agree with you and reading my post from a few weeks ago makes me realize how irrational all of that was. Sometimes I reflect on things that happen in my relationship and I realize how wrong I was. I completely agree and especially liked what eyeswideopen said.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 September 2012):
 It's pointless asking questions such as those because, for one thing, no one knows what they would do until they're actually in that situation. People can say anything from the safety of their livin rooms. It doesn't count.
And for another, it shows how expendable you think the man you're asking it is. It implies that your life is worth far more than his is.
And finally, it's the sort of question people ask when they're fishing for affection.
...............................
A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (12 September 2012):
 I had a similar stupid hypothetical question for my husband early in our relationship. Something about dying for me, shoving me out of the way of an incoming car, something like that. He didn't say what I wanted to hear. I don't remember the answer but it wasn't "I would die for you" so I wasn't happy. I mentioned that I didn't like his response and he explained it further and I felt better. You need to do the same with your bf. You laughed it off and that was a mistake. Whether it is stupid or not it seriously bothered you to the point of thinking of a break up, this should have been discussed and not laughed away. So do it now. Ask him if he remembers that conversation you had about the mugging and say it has been bothering you and explain why. I'm sure he can explain more in detail why he answered in such a way. I like what eyeswideopen said as well. These hypothetical situations are pretty dumb to pose questions for. You can't expect anyone to actually know what they would do so you just hope to hear a nice answer that shows they love you. When it doesn't come out that way because they overthink it or think its a joke then we get hurt. Don't dump him over a fake scenario that probably won't ever happen. Neither of you has any idea what the other would do in such a situation. You can both guess or speculate but you really can't know until it happens. Discuss with him that your feelings were hurt, he will say he didn't mean it that way and he does love you, and move on.
...............................
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (12 September 2012):
 If you were being attacked, it would not be good for your boyfriend to just stand there and do nothing. Is that the situation you asked him about? I would expect him to do something to help you, and if it needed him to fight and he wasn't prepared to, he obviously doesn't hold you in high esteem.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 September 2012):
 You know, posing hypthetical situations can often lead to responses we'd rather not hear. Like,"If I were to die tomorrow, would you ever remarry?" or "If acid was thrown in my face and I was totally disfigured would you still love me?" I mean what's the point? A guy can lie and make you feel better but really what's the point of asking?
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 September 2012):
 Well I have mixed feelings about this....
1. "like a man should" is a crock honey... if you want to be paid "like a man should", if you want to be respected for your brain "like a man should" then you better damn well learn to protect yourself "like a man should" I guess that means he doesn't cook or clean "like a woman should"
BUT on the other hand to that.... men are usually bigger and stronger than women especially with upper body strength so there is something to that... and in OUR home we do very much have our roles aligned with our genders... he does trash I do laundry.... that sort of thing.
now as to laying down his life for you? would you do so for him?
I would for my man and he would for me... but that's how WE roll.... In addition you are asking him when things are calm and rational.
I'm betting if you asked those men who took bullets and died for their girlfriends in the theater shooting a few weeks back if they would have done so, they might not have said yes..... BUT adrenaline and love together make folks do odd things..... mothers have been known to lift cars off of children..... I'm sure that people who said "I would not die for you" would do things unexpectedly as well.
If YOU are asking if this is a sign that you should boot him, I wonder if you are looking for an excuse to end the relationship...
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 September 2012):
 To protect someone you've got to be smart, and make the right decisions and the right moves. A stupid guy who confronts bare fisted a robber armed with a gun or a knife is not a protector, he is a jackass who is actually endangering you and getting both of you killed or injured much more seriously than if he had kept his cool and handed over your purse and his wallet pronto.
I can't believe that you'd want your bf to be ready to die for you- why would you want him to do that to begin with ? How much do YOU love him, if you can welcome the idea of him losing his life because of you ?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2012): Like a man should? Well woman if you stay in the kitchen like you "should" then you won't get mugged, simple.
OP if me and my girlfriend got mugged by a couple of guys with weapons, I wouldn't protect her either, I'd grab my phone and wallet and I'd hand them over as she hands over her bag. I'm not going to die in a hail of bullets trying to be some dashing hero to my girlfriend, even she's not that stupid as to think material possessions are worth that kind of hassle. You asked a specific question about mugging and he gave you an honest answer. Life isn't like the movies OP, he's probably not capable of kung fu kicking 7 guys in one go, then tearing off his t-shirt to reveal a bronzed ripped sweaty body and then ravage you right there amidst the bloodied bodies of your potential muggers.
Now saying that I have put guys in hospital for molesting her in clubs and stuff. I also make damn sure she's protected from online bullying, I protect her from her own mind when she's feeling depressed and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I'll protect her from spiders in the bathroom, from making bad decisions by advising her on stuff, protect her from an unhappy life by doing my best to make her life great, protect her from having to walk home alone at night by going to pick her up, protect her wasting away while she's sick by nursing her back to health.
Protection is not just about beating up muggers and dying for a person OP it comes in all different shapes and sizes and she protects me just as much.
You think a man should die for you? Then go find a buff, aggressive guy who likes a good fight. Your guy may just be far better at talking his way out of things or resolving situations using his brain. If you want some dumb, movie-like oaf then go get one.
...............................
A
male
reader, Dr.LanceMerryweather +, writes (12 September 2012):
 You should ask yourself - "Would I do that for him?"
To expect a boyfriend to lay down his life for you is a pretty tall order!
Well, would you, for him?
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (12 September 2012):
 I think that you shouldn't punish him for being honest when you asked him a question based on sexism. As a woman, and a human being equal in worth to a man, you should feel equally responsible for "dying for him". Yet you don't, instead you choose to hold to sexist dogma that men are somehow supposed to sacrifice themselves because as a woman, you're weaker, and worth more.
Personally, I think that if anyone should think about dumping anyone, he should be the one to consider dumping you. After all, you think of him as a mere means to an end as a man. That's not exactly flattering.
...............................
|
