A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of four years hasn't proposed yet and doesn't know when he will. We had a discussion last night about it because I'm tired of waiting. Basically he's told me that he can't marry me unless I get a different job that pays more and is more career oriented. I'm currently 23 years old ad working at a preschool center. I don't love what I do, but it pays the bills for the time being. My question is should I leave this guy because obviously he's not looking at the big picture? When you love someone you marry them... it shouldn't be based on career choice or how much money you make. It just frustrates me that I've been committed to him for so long and just because I'm not 100% sure on what I want to do with my life, I'm being punished.
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female
reader, Corbymartin10 +, writes (19 June 2012):
Im in the same boat so I said I dident want to have sex until we're married he got upset and through a temper tantrum it made me question the entire relationship he should love you without condishions
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): Obviously marriage is not based on earning and career.
even though he may want to have it for some financial stability of family post marriage.
But from my POV, both should be ready to adjust to what ever the GOD send situation they are thrown. jiob, no job, career, no career etc,.
you need to maek a judgemnt on is this right guy and right values and morals that he has?
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (20 April 2010):
 you're so young.you started this relationship when you were even younger. You grew so attached to this guy.Im guessing he was your first. HE TAKES YOU FOR GRANTED. Get out,live your life,party before you regret getting married so soon without enjoying some things first. dont force anyone to marry you. dump him.
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A
male
reader, mr toyboy  +, writes (20 April 2010):
I choose to disagree with what most people are saying, i tend to agree more with CHIGIRL.Am also having the same thoughts with my Girlfriend. I love her so much but she doesnt really seem career oriented.Am a post graduate student who will get a good job by next year, but my girlfriend doesnt seem too intrested in studying further to get a better job cos she got a degree in IT, now she said she doesnt like that field.She worked for a while a a publishing establishment, where she left when she moved to my city.Shes been trying in vain to get a job in publishing but cannot because of lack of qualification in that field, so shes just working at a call centre for now which pays half what she use to earn.Although when i get a good job, i will encourage her to study further cos i dont mind paying for it, i really want her to be independent of me at some stage.So no, you bf is not making excuses, but he should just encourage you more like i do my Gf.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl +, writes (20 April 2010):
 Hun, he is using this as an excuse not to marry you - dump him and find someone who will accept you as you are!
Honeygirl
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (20 April 2010):
I don't know if I would consider not being married to him a form of punishment. But, I also think it's an excuse he's using. Most men don't really care what you do for a living as long as it's a respectable job and you have some sort of goals for the future. Typically a good career is mainly what men try to strive for for THEMSELVES before marriage. They want to be able to support and provide; therefore, although you may not have the exact job you want at the moment, as long as he can provide and loves you, he wouldn't care what you do. So it's really up to you what you want to do...stay in a relationship that's probably going to inevitable go nowhere or leave asap and start the moving on process.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (20 April 2010):
 It is just an excuse not to be committed to you . There is no future in this relationship. Cut your loses and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): Wow some man u want 2marry! Gurl ur job isn't wat mattrs. If he dnt love u for u den he aint worth it. Ur wasting ur time with this guy
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (20 April 2010):
There may be several explanations for this - not a one of them make it OK. You need to decide if you've been waiting for this guy in vain, and if so, move on...He could be insecure about marrying and you two not making enough money to live, and he doesn't want to "carry all the weight"... bad excuse.He may want to be married to a "professional woman" who he can brag about - another bad excuse (but I've seen it the other way round, where the guy had to get a "real" job before the woman would marry him. (FYI: They're still together after 20+ years)He may just be throwing any excuse at you...Good luck- don't stick around if he's not committing- there are MANY good men out there, find one worthy of you.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 April 2010):
 Well, for many of us stability and security are huge issues! If you do not know what you want with your life yet, that could mean you want to change your career later on. Which can mean that if he's married to you, HIS life will get turned upside down. And he clearly seeks stability. The money brings security. Knowing that you will have something to fall back on. Knowing that if he screws up his job, he can count on you to help him, count on you to not let the family fall apart under bills. I understand this, because like him I would not want to be the sole breadwinner of the family with all the responsibility while the other half gets to run around carefree not even knowing yet what they want to do with their lives.Marriage is not all about love. It is also about finances, maybe more than you have thought about. Perhaps you and him could sign up a prenup, or look at them together. Perhaps he is afraid that you will only suck up his savings or divorce him and take the family home he's been working so hard to get. All while you never had a "proper" job (I assume thats why he wants you to find something better, he doesn't respect the one you already have).Perhaps talk to him about finances. If he can see that you have a plan, savings for example, a goal for what you want to have later in life (maybe a house etc) he can feel more secure?
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (20 April 2010):
 You're absolutely right. Let's not use "shouldn't" to represent this issue. Use the word, "isn't", because that speaks for its self. Love and marriage is not, in any way shape or form based on career choice or $$$$$$. You're young, and have time to decide where your life will be taking you. Can't that process be done as a married couple, as well (or even better) than it can be traveled alone?
I feel his issue is not about money. Ask him, aside from this reason, why is he afraid to get married? If marriage and which career path you take are unrelated, what is his real reason. After rereading what you wrote, I felt as if there may be more that he's not telling you. This may not be intentional. If he's afraid of marriage, or had other phobias related, it'd be embarrassing to just come out and lay the information on the table.
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