A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm in a lot of trouble and need some advice soon. I'm married for just over one year and pregnant with my first child. I married long time boyfriend. I had a feeling he does things with other girls behind my back even before we got married. But I though they were just meeting up with firls on and off. He used to always complain saying I wouldn't let him have female friends which he needs to have. Any normal guy would have female friends, that was his argument. Besides he has not had a girlfriend before me where as I have had a boyfriend. So he felt he was missing out something compared to me. To make a long story short, we got married despite the fears I had that he fancies other girls. Few months in to marriage I found out he meets a lot of girls. He takes photos of them and has a whole heap of photos of girls which he has taken. I'm talking hundreds and hundreds of photos. When I confronted he said its just taking photos and nothing else. He admits he finds girls sexy and like to take their photos. These are not nude photos I'm talking about. May be one or 2 with revealing clothes here and there. Once during a huge argument he promised me he will not meet girls again. I trusted him for sometime. Soon after that I found out he has continued from right where he stopped.Recently I had found out a lot of shocking info about him. He has kissed girls, touched their thighs and boobs, even got a girl to fondle his dick. He even repeatedly ask for girls to meet up to fool around. He does not know that I know all this.I'm pregnant with his child. I don't know how I'm gong to deal with this! I'm not in a position to leave him. I love him. If not for all these cheating he is a good person. I feel so betrayed! If i confrnt him I will have to let him no I snooped for information. That also means I will loose the way to get the info in future nad whatever he does, I will not find out. He is not going to stop what he does. All what he is going to do is deny everything or part of it, somehow turn it around so that I'm the one who ends up feeling guilty and be extra careful next time so that I won't find out.If there is anyone who has been in a similar situarion, please help me. Plaese don't tell me to leave him. I can't. Atleast not now. I feel so sad and used.I'm not an ugly person. I'm quite pretty, almost always prettier than the girls he is seeing. I'm a professional who has my own income and assets. No one would think my husband would have any reason to cheat on me, if you get what I mean.But he leads a very well crafted double life. Could it be something I'm doing wrong? Is it becos he doesn't get enough sexual satisfaction from me?Please please tell me what I should do to save this marriage before its too late!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2010): I was facing what u r facing right now...about 10 yrs ago.... I was about 2-3 mths pregnant then... when I found out that my husband was cheating.... I stayed on thinking for the sake of our unborn child and bcoz of religious reason. Now after 11 yrs of marriage, a total of 19 yrs together and now with 3 kids...he's still cheating!!!! I know, shame on me for staying for so long. Dear, I thought that I could change him but I couldn't. It's true what people says...once a cheater always a cheater! It's destroying your own self-esteem. Don't be like me... LEAVE! I know it hurts...that's why I stayed before but now... I'm in the midst of leaving him. Men like these just doesn't deserve wives like us!
A
male
reader, mr toyboy  +, writes (20 April 2010):
Honey girl, i think you should be more objective when giving advice, all i see is you just telling people to dump who they with as if it is so easy to breakup with someone you ve been with for so long.Missy, i will advise you to have a chat with him and tell him what you know and you guys can decide on boundaries that must not be crossed.Being married is different from dating so he should be more responsible and you being pregnant am sure will make him think twice about doing things to hurt you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): I had been in a similar situation as you and I know how painful it is and I have no doubt that you are more beautiful and a better catch than these other women. No it has nothing to do with you, you are not doing anything wrong. This man is simply sick. He has a problem. It doesn't matter how good you are in bed or how pretty you are this man has a problem, period. He found a perfect naive/gullible victim in you to get away with having his cake and eating it too. He convinced you early on that his behavior is acceptable when it wasn't at all. Most men who are committed to a woman DO NOT have female friends. That's a fact. And if and when they do have female friends they do so within the respect and boundaries of you and his relationship. But YOU are always the priority. And chances are he is not going to change. In fact it is only going to get worse from here...sorry to break it you, just being honest. As of now he cheats on you behind your back. The second you accept it and forgive him (like you are already claiming to do) he is going to get balsier and balsier and start cheating on you in your face. Like I said I went through this and it was heart wrenching and guess what? The man wasn't worth any time I gave to him. Nothing. I am happy, confident, independent now. I broke up with him when it hit me that he was cheating on me. Like you I had my suspicions and lots of things didn't add up and I was starting to feel less confident and like I was competing with other women who I knew didn't compare to me. Its like I knew he was but I wasn't certain. But the second I was certain I was ANGRY. I remember I said to him, "HOW DARE YOU HUMILIATE ME??" I peaced him out. I hung up on him and told him to never call me again. And I cried and I was in pain but I didn't care. I would rather cry than be with someone who treats me like that. That's not good enough for me. And life is sooooooooo much better. Dont put up with that! IF you are even half as pretty and amazing as you are, there is no reason you should stay with a man who is sooo low. Why would you want to be associated with him?? Not only that, he makes you feel worthless...that's not love. The question is simple and so is the answer. You got to say Bye bye bye! PERIOD Unless you want to continue being treated like a worthless piece of cr*p like he's doing?? Then do so...
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl +, writes (20 April 2010):
 Hun, either you accept his behaviour and stop moaning, or you get out. You say you are a professional person with your own income and assets... well then.... leave him!!
You will be a far happier person and a far happier mom!
Remember you are not the reason he is straying - he is just an immature jerk.
If you dont do something about his behaviour he is going to continue as he will see it as you accept what he is doing.
So so do something for yourself and your unborn child and move on with your life. And please remember, he could quite easily bring home some horrible STD which will affect both you and endanger your baby.
Honeygirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): Dear rcn, I'm the original poster of the question. Thank you for your advice. Yes, I feel you are right. May be he lacks in self esteem though its not so visible. also I lack in self esteem. I can't even work up the courage to confront him. If he shouts at me once, I just back off and try to forget there is a problem. I'm a wreck. I don't even know how to suggest him marriage counselling. But I will try. Thank you so much for your help.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (20 April 2010):
 Why would you even consider that his wrongdoing is your fault? What I notice here is that you and he have pieces missing in your sense of self, or self esteem. I have come to find, what we lack within ourselves, we seek outside of our sense of self to fill the void. These girls may boost his self esteem? Okay, then question then is, what is lacking in his self esteem to need this additional boost? The problem with these negative methods in filling voids of who we are is, once you get him to stop one, if that piece is still missing, it'd be replaced with another negative, destructive habit.
I've had females state that I'm attractive. I'm flattered when they do, but I don't need the compliment to validate my sense of self. I might blush, but I'm still happy with who I am, I love myself, and I accept myself. So, where I'm not lacking in how I feel about me, and my life, I wouldn't go out to seek such validation. I'd recommend counseling or a marital retreat that focuses as well on each individual's sense of self and not just the marriage as a unit.
I hope this helps. Take care.
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