A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for three years, and we've started having sex just this year. I was his first, and he's mine. We intend on getting married in 2-3 years...however, he recently told me that he does not enjoy sex. he says he gets physical pleasure from it, but he just doesn't enjoy it. He's says it's not me..it's him..but he doesn't understand why. Could this be a problem if we do get married? and also, what can I do or what can he do that might make it more enjoyable for him? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): I think he could be gay. (and I only say "could" because I am trying to be nice). And even if he's "not," I would absolutely not marry this guy if you want to be happy and have a healthy fulfilling life and marriage. You are making a HUGE mistake if you stay with him.
It is not normal that he "doesn't" like sex. And it is especially not normal for you since you obviously do like sex and deserve to be with someone who feels the same way as you.
And what's worse is that if you stay with him and say "oh well I love him and I should be understanding" ha, wow, are you fooling yourself. Don't be so naive, dear.
Look my mother's first husband did not like sex either. Poor thing! But my mom was so naive and understanding. HA! A year into their marriage she caught him in bed with another man!
Don't be naive honey. Learn to be SKEPTICAL and REALISTIC in life. You can spend the rest of your life looking for excuse after excuse, just like beating your head against a wall, just to avoid reality and live in denial. Or you could face reality right now, save yourself years of being hurt, and leave him cause he is not being completely honest with you.
I am giving you VERY good advice here. I am being realistic. Something which seems highly lacking in all the other posts I have read. So take it and run with it. Leave him. You are making the best choice of your life if you leave him.
A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (6 December 2007):
It's really more psychological than physical and you'll be wasting your time thinking he finds you unattractive or that you can help him by employing some of those seduction techniques suggested by others.You need to talk to him more,your listening will be more seductive than watching porn together.He may get an erection from porn and have sex and still tell you he didn't enjoy it.You need to get to the root of the problem and see what you can do.Just be patient with him.I'm sure by the time you are almost wedding you'll know whether he can enjoy sex or not.If left unresolved now,yes it can create a problem when you marry but don't be quick to give up.First loves make best spouses.
All the best.
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A
male
reader, KingLeo +, writes (6 December 2007):
 Its only going to be a problem if YOU want sex. Because you are his first, it may be something he needs to get used to. However I suspect that there is something else going on if he's not "emotionally" enjoying sex with you. Ask him about why, it could be a number of thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks you guys. I'm gonna have to try some of these things.
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A
female
reader, missmel34  +, writes (5 December 2007):
 I agree with Kenny here.
Sex more than just a physical act. Sometimes we can get into the drudgery of the motions without creating the eroticism that goes with it.
Sex is 90% imagination and 10% perspiration.
I think what you have to do is start exploring each others minds. The fact that neither of you have had much experience means you are just at the very beginning of this journey. He may in actual fact be feeling ashamed of his own sexuality. You need to take your time with him. The key is trust. Everyone has sexual desires and thoughts. But if your not used to expressing them, then it can be difficult.
Sexuality is a boundless world, of our bodies as well as our minds. There are so many areas to discover, some may not be for you, but the fact you even explored the thought of them...that is the adventure.
1) Sex is more than just genitalia, our whole bodies are receivers. Massage is a great way to relax, sensual massage can be a beginning point for you two, I mean who doesn't enjoy a good massage.
2) Get some good books on sex, read them together, try different positions.
3) Tell him some of your secret desires, if he sees you trusting him and opening up, then he may feel relaxed enough to do the same. This is going to take time, it won't happen overnight.
4)Ask him what his greatest fantasy is. The trick here with this one, is never judge him. You are his lover, you need to allow him to feel that he can express his total sexuality with you. Don't expect him just to open it all up, give him time.
The thing about sexual fantasies, are they are just that, fantasy. They don't always have to be lived. But, if you have an idea of where his fantasies lie, you can do things to help him explore that. Say for example, he has a fantasy of having sex in public, now obviously your not going to do the deed on a mid town train during peak hour. But a secluded picnic, now that might work.
5)Perhaps try some porn. There are some really quite tasteful movies out there, believe it or not. I'm not suggesting you make porn a feature of your love life, I do think however you can use porn to open up certain communications.
Can I just say this, a woman is a seductive, sexual, creative entity. In some respects you carry alot of power over your man. Play with that, play with him...tease him, seduce him, give him a little then pull back, leave him begging for more. Write him seductive love notes, telling him what your going to do to him later, then hide them so he finds them through the day. Don't forget the power of the text message. Wear lingerie, be playful, set up scenarios, maybe even try sex toys.
Can I just say, an absolute sure fire way of keeping your man totally into you and satisfied is the mastery of fellatio. The internet has good instructional sites available on all facets of sex, explore them.
http://www.sexinfo101.com/pm_fellatio.shtml
Sex is a game. Have fun, use your imagination and begin to unlock you and your lovers secret sexual selves.
Good Luck
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A
male
reader, HeartBlossom +, writes (5 December 2007):
 A very tiny percentage of human beings are just not into sex, though they often still have gender preferences and romantic feelings. Asexuality.org seems to be a very authoritative informational site about those folks.
But there's also a chance your boyfriend is still figuring out issues he hasn't made clear or that he doesn't understand enough to verbalize. It may be a while before he has a clue or becomes able to share it with you. Maybe he'll need you to do something special, like you're asking about--if he does, he's the only one who'll know it--but don't pressure him for the information, because he may not have it. Indeed, I doubt he does.
Another serious possibility is that his dopamine-induced euphoria for this relationship has begun to flag. That's natural. But not having a strong idea of how relationships usually go or how to maintain them, the contradiction between having physical pleasure from sex but not having genuine enjoyment has tipped him off to a problem.
In the long term, yes, this would be an issue you'd have to figure out. Most people have sexual needs, and if you enter a marriage that doesn't fulfill them in the ordinary way, someone's going to have to make a serious compromise.
So I think you need to slow this down for several reasons, but the fact that he isn't enjoying it is reason enough.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (5 December 2007):
 Im not saying its the case here, but if you are not sexualy compatiable then yes is could cause problems in a marriage. You don't mention if you perform foreplay before you make love, or just go straight in to sex. Performing foreplay techniques is a pleasurable way of exploring one anothers bodys, and creates massive stimulation for both people. Also things like role play, or a tantric massage that you perform on each other is another good way of spicing things up abit.
All the best & good luck x
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A
male
reader, CorpusDei +, writes (5 December 2007):
 If he's on any medications, particularly antidepressants, that can affect his sex drive. While a healthy sex life isn't the only thing thing that creates a healthy relationship, the lack of one can seriously hurt. As much as I hate to say it, it's also possible that he's kind of checking himself out of the relationship. The penis is a pretty good barometer of how into you he is. As a healthy male around the same age as you, his libido should be coming on full force, unless he's just not into it for some reason. Which is possible, people grow a lot in three years, especially before you hit 25 or so. If you're talking marriage, he could be starting to feel a little trapped. I'd sit down with him, have an honest talk about whether the two of you are in the places you want to be, if your relationship is going where you want it to be going. If it is, you might want to spice things up a bit. Don't let the sex get stale. Take it out of the bedroom, into the living room, kitchen, shower, wherever. Experiment a bit. Break the routine (and I can almost guarantee that you're in a routine at this point) and things will get better.
Hang in there, and just don't get pregnant yet, K?
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