A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 27 and have been with my boyfriend for just under 4 years. At the weekend we were on a night out and he pointed out a woman on the dancefloor who was probably a UK size 14/16 and he told me if I ever get as fat as that he will dump me! Now this girl was on the curvaceous side but she wasn't fat at all in my opinion so I was shocked and upset at what he said. It hurts to think that after 4 years something like that could even cross his mind. I don't know if I'm being oversensitive though because since I met him I have put on a little bit of weight (10lbs roughly) but I was very slim when we met so I'm now usually a UK size 10, very occasionally 12 in certain shops where the sizes run a bit smaller. I have checked and I am 5ft 9in and weigh 138lbs which is miles lower than my max healthy weight. I actually think I look sexier now as I have a bit more shape and I still go to the gym so I am toned too. It just makes me think he has noticed my weight gain and is dropping hints that he will end things if it continues. I am also worried about what that means if we were ever to have kids. Do you think I'm overreacting? He has never mentioned weight (mine or anyone else's) before so it came out of nowhere. What do you think aunts/uncles? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 May 2013):
 I see were you are coming from , OP, and yet I think that your Bf took a harder bashing than he should from us posters.
In a perfect world, we should love people just for their immortal souls - but in practice we don't, and it's pointless to ignore that. Your bf chose you because you are nice, intelligent, fun, goodnatured , or whatever of your personality traits appeal to him, sure, but ALSO because you are a slim woman and he is physically attracted to slim women. He is not as attracted to chubbier women, and, as politically incorrect as this is, ..there's not much you ( or he ) can do about that, but watching your weight.
I don't think having and expressing a preference makes him such a bastard. Maybe just a picky guy :).
Of course, it all depends . I take for granted that your bf is a normally intelligent person , so if ( touch wood ) you should have an accident that keeps you stuck in bed for a year, and gain 30 pounds from inactivity, he would not resent you for that. Same as he would understand that pregnant women do need to gain weight, ... or that 95% of cases menopause implies a weight gain even without any change of diet or level of activity. If some thing CANNOT be avoided , surely someone who loves you will adjust to the change and won't stop loving you because of that .
But, I guess his point is, as long as you are young, healthy and childless, you don't need to gain weight, and you don't need to KEEP the extra weight you have gained.
It's a bit like... you are dating a rich guy. You love him to bits , and you honestly would still love him if he became poor. But , if he starts squandering his resources for no reasons, in foolish investments or gambling, eh no- you would not be OK with him actively doing something to become poor.
I agree that a 10 pounds weight gain is nothing, particularly on a frame like yours, and your bf must have an eagle's eye to even have noticed it! But maybe, knowing as it's so damn easy that 10 pounds more almost inadvertently can become 20, and 30 etc... he just wanted to hint a word of caution. He has not been too tactful ...men seldom are . On the other hand , you know him pretty well, I guess, so it should not come as a total surprise to you that he is a person to whom physical appearance is important. If you want a more spiritual guy that would physically desire you ( since it's not really about feelings, it's about physical attraction ) with the same intensity no matter how you look, ..than maybe this is not him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): Hi I'm the OP. Thanks to all who have replied. I am going to try to talk to him again about this, I just wanted some other opinions before I did. And as for those people who said he has the right to expect me to stay as I was at the beginning, I would agree if I had gone up by a huge amount and stopped caring about myself, but the fact is I am not even a full dress size larger than I was when we met. I still eat well and exercise, and the fact I'm fairly tall means I carry it well and still fit 90% of my old clothes (only the really tight fitting things that don't look so good now). I have always had an amazing metabolism and I think I am just getting to an age where that is changing a bit. I am far from letting myself go though, I mean weight watchers won't even accept me as they don't class me as having any weight to lose!! I do agree that people have to work to stay attractive to their partners, but I don't feel that is the issue here. In fact he has probably gained more weight than me but I don't mind at all.
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (23 May 2013):
 I have given the answer I posted more thought and I just want to add something. If he doesn't like big women that's his prerogative. We all have the right to our preferences. Women have them as well, some women won't date short men. Does that make them shallow? Well yes, but it's their prerogative.So the fact that he doesn't want a fat girlfriend is one thing, I still think the way he brought it up shows a very insensitive, uncaring man. If he noticed you were putting on weight and he told you he was concerned about it and encouraged you into a more healthy lifestyle that would have been better. I would hate to see you getting obsessive about your weight. You will probably gain a bit of weight as you get older, we nearly all do. You should not be held to ransom by someone. Think about whether this is the sort of guy you want to be with, and the sort of life you want for yourself.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (23 May 2013):
 And, on the other hand, he represented himself as not caring about weight for over 3 years. Now suddenly he is rudely issuing dire warnings. Is that not a change of personality? So my question remains, Why the change?
I believe that something has happened in his life and this remark was an indication of that change. Constantly harping on weight can be as big a deal breaker as gaining an excessive amount of weight.
Now our OP has a net gain over 4 years of 8% of her body mass. 10 whole pounds. When you figure that a 3 pound daily fluctuation is normal and a 10 pound monthly fluctuation is possible in women, this weight gain is not a reasonable reason for him to suddenly issue warnings.
Last but certainly not least she is in the bottom half of the healthy weight bracket. So if he thinks this is a weight worry, regardless of how he thinks she represented herself 4 years ago, she has cause for worry because he won't be happy with normal or medical or pregnancy related weight gain.
The real question in my mind is how serious was he with this weight comment? I still recommend communication to get to the bottom of this.
FA
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (23 May 2013):
If he started stealing, taking drugs and hitting on other women - would you dump him?When you started dating, you presented him with a package of who you are, just as he did to you. If you willingly change those things, then I think he has the right to re-evaluate.There are things we cannot control - normal aging, weight gain due to medical reasons, etc. That is all part of the deal and everyone knows it. But if you willingly gain a bunch of weight after presenting yourself as a slim woman who takes care of himself, dont be surprised if you are finding him attracted to other slim women.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): I thought when you found the person that you truly love is dosent matter what size you are. I somewhat understand if you was an 8 when you got with him but then went to a 20 but a few extra pounds?? Gimmick a break!!
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female
reader, Mariab +, writes (23 May 2013):
 I think that its not fair to allow yourself to gain weight and expect him accept that! When you started dating... you were slim and maybe that's what he likes! And by making this comment to you ... I believe he is showing you how important an element weight is to him!
I'm sorry really but I believe that to make each other happy then you both have to try to take into consideration what the other person finds important.. I am sure that there are things that if he changed... you would not want to be with him anymore.
Perhaps the comment was more hurtful than it was intended to be because you know that you have put on some weight and therefore it hit some nerves.
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female
reader, maisy1 +, writes (23 May 2013):
What a thing to say! Sounds like he has never grown out of seeing a GFas a thing to impress his mates!
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 May 2013):
 Pfft. Tell him if he loses any hair or grows too much hair on his butt or in his nose or better yet, has an episode of Erectile Dysfunction, you'll dump HIM. Then look him in the eye and tell him that shallow people make you want to vomit.
You're not overreacting, and yes, women's bodies change when having kids and even with age. You could be eating the same things you did as a svelte 18-year old and suddenly your metabolism crashes and the pounds start creeping up on you. That's age. Happens to guys all the time, especially the ones who frequent pubs and have office jobs.
(For the record, I personally think bald guys are hot as hell and I'd never hold ED against anyone!)
People age. It happens. You need a guy who is mature enough to know this. Being health-conscious and eating right and exercising is outstanding for physical and mental well-being, but do it for your own improvement and not out of fear of some shallow douchebag saying immature crap like that.
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female
reader, countrygirl4545 +, writes (23 May 2013):
Sweetheart, you are not overreacting.Seriously, when a man loves a woman he loves her for all that she is. Whether you are skinny or heavy, he should think you are beautiful because you are the one that he loves. If that were me, I would probably talk to him about that statement. He may not have meant it seriously, but a serious convorsation could either clear everything up, or confirm your fears. If he really means that if you got too big he would leave, he does not deserve you. Plain and simple. I hope everything works out for you, and no matter what he says, you are beautiful.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): Dump him, my ex husband said that and after i had his child and gained alot of weight as i was in ICU in for my entire pregnancy and he left some yrs later in search of a fit hot woman, his new wife is like a linebacker makes me look like a supermodel hahaha shoulda left when he made that statement! Good luck
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reader, deirdre  +, writes (23 May 2013):
I think you are slim for your height, and that even if this wasnt the case it wouldnt make a difference for a big reason. he is shallow and if you love someone you should love them regardless of their size. this is what I wanted to add to the brilliant advice the first poster gave.
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female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (23 May 2013):
 He probably is one of those kinds of guys that likes extremely, extremely thin women and any weight gain at all, even healthy weight that makes you feel and look better, will turn him off.I strongly STRONGLY advise you to consider your future with this guy -very very- carefully. Men like this often get so turned off even during -necessary- weight gain (like pregnancy) that they cheat on their partners or break up with them entirely because of it.If you decide to stay with him...well, it's your life. Just don't EVER get pregnant and don't you dare gain any more weight, because you can bet he'll be cruel and vocal about it constantly and tear down your self-esteem because he has no morals about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): Ok, why I don't really have a clear cut " type" myself, I get that some people have to always date a certain type themselves- I know someone who only goes for a certain type of guy because she's insecure needs reassurance, but mostly I can't understand how someone can be in a "relationship "just for the physical looks... this guy is either suffering some sort of insecurity complex and needs to feel the need to call the shots in the relationship; by acting as though he doesn't need you and could easily drop you, it might make you grovel to him.- Superficial and callous as that threat to dump you seems, he must have some meaningful feeling for you to stay with you for 4 years; yes people go off each other sometimes but he wants something big from you to threaten you like that- you've known him for this long and it's up to you to determine whether1. he's seriously insecure and is worried about losing you?2. he's an absolute controlling, evil / superficial and shallow creep- any of these things get rid lol... :/ I wish you luck, xxx
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (23 May 2013):
Nope, I don't think you are over reacting. It is weird that he should suddenly take an interest in weight. Something has changed, or he has been hiding something for a very long time. It could be any number of things including a conversation with his friends. I know plenty of guys who say things like that , but, they are obnoxious bores all the time. I think your concerns are valid and it is time for more communication.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): What a JERK!!! Im no expert, but i do know that an idiot who cares about size before love needs to be ridden of. Get rid of him break up
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): What a JERK!!! Im no expert, but i do know that an idiot who cares about size before love needs to be ridden of. Get rid of him
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male
reader, human_male +, writes (23 May 2013):
I think you should dump him immediately. He's an insensitive jerk, and shallow to boot. Why would you want to stay in a relationship with this guy, or care what he thinks about you?
You can do better.
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