A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This might be long because I really need help and want anyone who can help to have as many "facts" as possible, but I'll be as brief as I can...I became friends with my girlfriend over a two year period that eventually blossomed into romance. After two years of friendship we kissed and it was about six weeks after that kiss before we began a sexual relationship. Since then we have been in a committed and exclusive relationship for over two years. We are both in our 40s and divorced from long marriages. We both have minor children.I am crazy in love with this woman and now know I have never really been in love until now. I have never, ever, cared this much about another woman in my life. As a result, I want this relationship to last for the rest of my life and I will do whatever I can to make that happen. I adore her and would literally do anything for her. In fact, I do everything I can for her, not because I am trying to make her love me but just simply because I love her.HERE IS THE PROBLEM: I struggle almost daily with feeling like I am trying to get her attention. It's very strange, and I don't know what to think or do about it. She has told me over and over that she loves me. She will do anything I ask her to do to help me (which isn't really much). She has taken me home to another state to meet her mother and long-time friends, we've stayed at her mother's house twice. We've taken two vacations out of the country in the two years we've been "together" - something I never did with my ex wife. She will occasionally, randomly, send me "sweet and sappy texts" telling me how she is lucky to have me, misses me, loves me, etc. She calls me every morning if I am not with her (because our children are small we don't allow the children to know we spend the night together so when either of us has our children we stay apart and the children just know we are "good friends). She texts me at least once per hour all day every day and always says goodnight (again, if we are not together). We spend approximately 10-12 nights together per month.However, she is a very independent, strong-willed, attractive woman. She sells medical equipment and therefore spends all of her working time talking to physicians and surgeons and buying them lunch or drinking at happy hour, etc. She did this before "us" and I know all about it. She does not hide anything from me. She is CONSTANTLY being asked out, flirted with, etc. She never "bites" and although I do believe she likes the flattery (like any normal person), she has not had any "consistent" lunches or drinks or anything like that with anyone. In other words, she will have drinks or lunch with someone who is "into" her but then she won't see them again for a few weeks or longer. She believes part of her job is flirting and "appearing available." She tells them about me if they push or if they know me (I am also a physician) but otherwise she believes it's better for business if someone thinks they might possibly have a chance at her. Again, I trust her completely, but I will admit this bothers me. We have talked about it and it is not going to change because she is convinced if she blatantly rejects flirtiness, etc., or "appears to be taken," her clients will move on to the next good-looking girl. She knows that most of them want a sexual affair with her but says it's not up to them and she makes her own decisions (which I believe) and she just wants to sell to them.On top of that, she has a circle of friends that she will go meet for dinner, drinks, etc. Some are male (they were in her life as good friends before me and I know them and she does not hide me from them, they all know about our relationship), some are female. She is also a very devoted mother and, in my opinion, compensates for the divorce from her ex husband by going overboard sometimes in how determined she is to put her kids first. But that's not a problem, I totally understand and that does not cause conflict, just trying to give as much background here as possible.SO HERE TO MY QUESTION:My biggest problem is that when I have her attention, like when she does text or call me or we're physically together or whatever, everything is great. But when she's giving attention to clients, friends, kids, etc., I seem to be on the back burner. Again, I trust her, I am not concerned she is cheating, nothing like that. I just don't think I should be out of sight, out of mind, if she's focusing on something else. I know she is my priority no matter what I am doing. If I'm with friends at happy hour and she texts, I will text right back whereas she will wait until happy hour is over so as not to be rude in front of her friends. If I am on the phone with her and I get a call I ignore it, she will put me on hold to take a call. If I am on the phone with someone else and she calls I will put them on hold to talk to her, she will ignore my call and call me back after she ends the other call. Oh, and for the first several months of the relationship, it didn't seem like I would get put on the back burner, but for the last year to year and a half, things have "cooled off" some. I know that's normal, but I miss the way we were when we started.I can give more details but I suppose that's enough for anybody who is interested in helping me. I'll answer any questions because I am truly trying to figure this out before I become too needy and ruin a good thing.Am I being too needy or am I missing something here?
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affair, divorce, ex-wife, flirt, her ex, move on, my ex, period, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): My dear fellow, no offense was intended. Perhaps I took your description of her "acting available" too literally. However;
she may want to modify that sales tactic; because the wrong guy may read her intentions too literally.
I do believe it would be better to avoid giving anyone the impression that they might have a chance at her. It may be an advantage, but it can also be a downfall. There are guys out there that have played the game, and they know how to win.
This advise is given in goodwill, and no infraction is intended upon her true nature or disposition. You have a fantastic woman, and I hope all of the advice offered works to YOUR advantage, and to her benefit as well.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, all of these responses were incredibly helpful and I didn't expect that. Almost every response seems to have shed light on some aspect or another of this relationship. After reading through these responses I think I am probably just being too needy and overanalyzing things. However, some of the responses have also confirmed some of my concerns.I will, however, say this about WiseOwlE's response: I don't think she uses sexuality as bait and I probably didn't really word all of that correctly in my initial post. I do believe she is attractive and knows that her attractiveness is the reason a lot of clients continue to deal with her and she uses that to her advantage. Anyway, all of your posts have helped tremendously and I thank you. I think I am probably too needy and hypersensitive and I need to just relax and enjoy what I have with her until if and when a "real" issue arises.
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male
reader, fzald +, writes (23 May 2013):
Your situation sounds very similar to the one I've faced with my own girlfriend.Usually, after a relationship has passed the "honeymoon period" and real life sets in, this constant attention starts to fade. It doesn't by any means mean that the girl doesn't love you, care about you, and want to spend time with you. It just means that at times, she needs a little space to herself, to do something on her own. I think you and I are similar in the sense that we love that attention. We love the idea of a girl putting us first in her life at all times. However, I think the harsh reality is that any normal girl will at some points need a break from that. Too much of even the best things is a bad thing. Think of it this way: Chocolate is great, but too much can make you sick. Money is great, but unless you know exactly what you're doing, too much can breed evil. Water keeps us alive, but too much water will kill a person, destroy property, you name it. :-)The key thing to do is to decide on something that's fair that should happen while she's away visiting friends, family, etc. Expecting her to respond immediately to a text will feel unreasonable to her, even though you yourself would do it. Expecting her to call you for hours a day will feel unreasonable to her, even if you'd drop everything for her. And in particular, I'm sure you already know you can't ask her to start ignoring other people for you. Perhaps you could start with suggesting that at least once per day, you'll have some form of communication. A quick text exchange, a five-minute call, a brief Email, whatever. Make it clear that you don't care which method she chooses, but you only want to hear from her because you love her, care about her, and she's a big part of your life and you are interested in her life. The key? You have to try not to let her feel any pressure coming from you. If she feels pressured, she'll naturally rebel against it, and probably contact you less and less. Instead, just tell her what you would like, explain why, and let her make her choice. If and when she follows through, make sure you make these exchanges positive. If you have something on your mind, bringing it up during the 5 minute phone call is NOT a good idea. Wait to bring those things up for when you have a lot more time together and more of her attention. Either way, try not to take things personally. I completely understand your feelings of being "put on the back burner". But just try not to take this very personally. As long as she is calling you back after finishing her other call, or does text you later after she gets home, don't sweat it. Make sure she knows you do appreciate when she does things well. Remember, the goal of any relationship is for both people to be happy and to live a life together. What's the old saying: "There's no 'I' in 'you and me'"? As long as she's not doing things that are blatantly selfish and completely uncaring, then cut her some slack. Just accept her as a female, and know she loves you. Suggest what I mentioned above and see how it goes. I have a feeling if she cares enough about you, she'll make this little bit of effort for you. Good luck!
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reader, fishdish +, writes (23 May 2013):
 I would feel smothered if I were expected to text in once an hour. In my mind, this is excessive. She is permitted, at the two year mark, to retain other parts of her life-her work, her family, her friends. I think we both can agree she is permitted to have a life outside of you, but I think the question is, what would you be satisfied by when she is absent from you? How would you like to be treated when she is far? My view is that she sounds like she cares a GREAT deal about you, both of your commitment is there, and you are wanting more, but you are stuck at where you've started the relationship for two years-why not try to take it to the next level? This will give you more security about your future and will give you more facetime with the woman you love.
Have you raised the possibility of moving in yet, or does it feel too fast too soon? If you're from the same town, I do find it a little odd that you are only seeing each other less than half the month..and that you are still trying to protect your children from your 'true' relationship. Maybe it's time to open up to your kids to make the relationship more flexible, date plus the kids for example. As for the flirting at work, there are studies that say that flirting in negotiation is more effective than simple 'feminine niceness.' If there's absolutely nothing coming from it, try to accept it as a necessary evil. I think you may be slightly threatened by it, and I think it would help to ask her to not talk shop when it comes to this part of the job as it makes you uncomfortable or insecure with the relationship, even if it's an irrational thought and you know better. Hope that helps!
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A
female
reader, countrygirl4545 +, writes (23 May 2013):
I don't think you have anything to worry about. It doesn't sound like she is cheating, and if she says she loves you than she does. But, Ill give you a personal example. I had a boyfriend and though I loved him, I had other things going on that I couldn't get back with him right away, but I loved him, so I made sure that as soon as I could I got back with him. The problem we started having, was he would get angry, and would demand more of my attention and eventually it became overwhelming. However, he never told me he was feeling cast aside, and if he would have brought it up we could have avoided the conflict and worked it out with a mutual agreement, or understanding. So, if there is any doubt that she doesn't know that you feel a bit insecure or cast aside maybe you should talk with her because as I didn't know how he felt, perhaps she does not know exactly how you feel. She cannot try to make you a higher priority if she doesn't know that is what you need. Good luck honey, I hope it works out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): I want to give a deep in depth response but as i am very tired i will be brief. I believe that you know the answer to your problem as a dr you are very smart but for everyone when emotions are involved it becomes harder to see clearly.I believe that you aren't getting your needs met thus feeling neglected but i dont belueve its bevause she is neglecting you, have you ever read Gary Chapman " The five languages of love" ? You can also take a fast quiz online...i believe you two are not communicating or having your needs met thus leaving you feeling that she isnt giving you the attention you need( and deserve) but i see this as an easy fix, just because shes indpendent doesnt mean you cant express what you need for ex; telling her to not tke calls when shes talking to you etc.. You arent needy just needing a little more to make you feel more important to her. Goodluck sorry for typos and so brief exhausted but wanted to answer..good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): You, more than anyone, know that no relationship remains in the "honey-moon" phase. She has her own style, and she is an independent woman. She prioritizes differently; however, it's no slight to you that when she's on business she has to focus on what she's doing. I think part of her appeal to you, is that she is not your mirror image. She is her own person.She is in a highly competitive field of work; but it is hard for me to swallow how she rationalizes using her sexuality as bait. She may have convinced herself that it is her flirting that gets the deal; but that means she doesn't have a lot of confidence in her professional skills, apart from seducing her clients. How would her company feel about such an approach to business, and representation of their corporate name?Salesman sell themselves, but not literally. It is the product that the company is trying to sell.What if a scorned customer should complain that he was inappropriately "solicited;" because she crossed the wrong guy? I just can't process how being a "tease" ties into her profession, without negative consequences.I'm certain the wives of her clients may not find this unorthodox approach acceptable nor professional. Neither should you.She's dealing business with highly intelligent men, with huge egos. They're not fools. Now that she has you in the picture, I think she should develop a different style and trust her other skills. Just my opinion.I would be forced to ask; how do chubby balding men compete and succeed in her profession with male customers? Is there something I'm missing here? She has proven herself to be resourceful, to say the least.About being put on the back burner? Thus, are the perils of having a strong and ambitious woman. She is the quintessential alpha-female. She plays many roles. Mother, girlfriend, businesswoman, party-girl, and seductress.She is fully self-aware, cunning, and uses manipulation to get what she wants. You took time to write this post, because you're beginning to see through the haze.Are you able to handle her, or is she just too much?She is divorced, because she needed to be herself and play life by her own rules. So, is it your motive to change her in some way; or are you bailing out on her?This is comes down to what you are capable of handling within the scope of your relationship. There are facets of her behavior that are not congruent with being a woman in a relationship, and a mother. She is no longer a single woman. If she is truly committed to you; then it is well past time for her to modify her behavior to be consistent with her need to be with someone in a monogamous relationship.You cannot take it upon yourself to change her. You can only tell her what you want and what you need. You need to be straight forward and upfront when you don't feel comfortable about something. As men, we don't mince words or over-emotionalize. We usually get the point across. It's just awkward as hell getting to it.I don't really see an issue about prioritizing your phone communication. That is a matter of personal choice. She can compromise on a few things in that area. Be a man, and make the suggestion.The "traveling businessman" in a skirt and high heels; just doesn't fly. She's using sex for bait. What happens to the deal if she falls short of her "indecent proposal?" It would be inappropriate for a man in her profession to flirt with customers; and the corporate office would toss her out on her ear if they felt she represented their name in anyway less than professional. Maybe you will get a different opinion from the other aunts. There is no problem using feminine charm and charisma; but "appearing available?" I would say that is more self-serving than professional.I think your relationship has a few kinks, but you both can work it out. She has to rely more on a creative and professional approach when dealing with her male clients.If she has changed her feminine ways of dealing with her man at home, I don't think she'll find it that hard to tweak her professional approach to the men on her client list. You are the man in her life, and you should not feel like you're on the "back burner."People have to talk these things out and there has to be compromise and adjustment in order for a relationship to work. As a single mom, she had to put everything she has into supporting her family. The tactics and strategy you described has been successful for her up to now. They are just too manipulative and risky. They may be disastrous in the long run. You can't tell her what to do, but you can influence her to choose a better business approach, and she has to realize that she has caught the prize she was looking for; therefore, she no longer has to use herself as bait.Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): You seem like a sweetheart. You do appear to be needy and clingy. You are not going to change this woman with whom you fell in love with......you fell in love with who she was before you came into her life. I'm not saying that all her actions are ok but that is who she is.
As a mom, my kids come first. They are my world. I want them to feel important, have my attention, and are LOVED.
You have to make a decision what is right for you. She is who she is. You are not going to change her.
Good Luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): I don't think anyone as an outsider can really give a definite answer as to whether her feelings for you have cooled off; personally I don't think they have- my best friend for 3 years we talk everyday, we both know that we can trust each other implicitly, were both on the same zany wavelength and love each others company. However like this woman, she's very high powered has various part time but demanding jobs- ( no kids were both 22) and tbh I'm more of an introvert than her; she is always wanting to meet up and chat more than me tbh, but when I do call her she's very often on the phone for a work call or too busy- with work.- she hardly ever texts me back in the day! (This is since she's taken on a lot more work) - I think it's likely that due to the nature of her job, she's probably under a lot of extra pressure these days to reach targets and is therefore working extra hard- therefore she may just not have time to take personal calls in the day... and with my friend there's no attraction between us, but honestly I am 100% certain we love each other as friends- but she's only human; I know she's busy and just doesn't have the time at work. This is my opinion, I do believe this is the case, but it's also possible her feelings for you have cooled, I'm sorry nobody on here can tell you for sure, maybe just breach the subject to her honestly but calmly; you don't want to seem needy but with any relationship, it's important to not let communication break down,Good luck, let us know how it goes! :) x
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male
reader, human_male  +, writes (23 May 2013):
 I don't know if you're missing something, someone else maybe able to see something that you or I have missed. But from what you've said it sounds like you're just being a bit needy, but understandably so. You're really in love. But she is juggling her relationship with you as well as a career that is obviously very important to her and her kids, that rightly so she puts above you.
So I think you should just accept the situation for how it is, assuming you're not thinking about leaving her and finding someone who will show you the same devotion as you show them.
Maybe pull back a bit. For example make her wait before you answer her texts the way she makes you wait. She'll probably respect you more.
Good luck.
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