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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend is genuinely sweet and caring, but when it comes to looking at other girls he makes me feel really uncomfortable. The last episode was yesterday when we were on the train and he saw this girl sitting with her boyfriend in a short skirt. When I saw him look at her, I was so hurt, it tore my heart apart. Any advice? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2015): I have been with a guy for four years who oggles woman constantly, to the point where I have no desire to take vacations and travel like I used to. I went to a feminist college and that educated me enough to understand how it is wrong to view women as objects, or anyone for that matter. The problem here is really education, for men and women. Our media and society advocates objectifying women. I dated one guy in my life who really understood this and the difference between him and other guys I have dated who have abused my self esteem are only that he was sensitive, intelligent and thoughtful. Few men, as far as I have seen fit this category. I'm clearly not in a position to give advice here, however, I'm going to look for someone again like the one I found before, who has the sensitivity and honesty to be able to wrangle with controlling their passions, getting them under control intellectually so they can see the big picture, that all we all want in life is companionship to share and enjoy our life experiences. Age doesn't dictate maturity. The guy I dated who was that mature was 25. He came from a good family and thought of life in the long term, maybe because he was an economics major ;0) So maybe my advice would be to find a guy with good credit and so can think in terms of long term achievement. Don't settle, know your worth and love your life and your heart, which is the most important physical attribute you have.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2015): Well only one question really and it's for the ladies . Why do you put up with being disrespected like this ? In my opinion I wouldn't care, i want other good qualities a man had . If he cared so little about my feelings and was so enamoured by the appearance of other woman I think i'd be much better off alone. Too many women seem to feel they need a man and men totally sense this desperation and will behave like dogs,On heat
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reader, wwildnpeaceful  +, writes (8 July 2015):
This seems so much of a horrible, disrespectful, hurtful problem, that I wonder if this is a problem with God fearing men? The one that I'm with has done this once when we just started dating, about 3 years ago. It hurt so bad!!! This almost 60 year old man (I'm 50), was oogling a twenty something year old girl with a huge behind. I told him about it and explained the difference between looking and oogling. He apologized, told me he would never intentionally hurt me and that he has been doing it all his life and no woman has ever "called him" on it. Well 4 days ago I caught him again. In regards to men cant help it, etc., in both situations, I was looking in a different direction so he thought I could not see him. What he was doing was staring, then looking at me to see if I was looking, then staring even harder. What the idiot didn't realize is that I was looking at his reflection. IT HURT SO BAD! THE DECEPTION! The idea that the woman is thinking: YOU THINK HE'S YOURS, BUT I CAN HAVE YOUR MAN, BECAUSE HE WANTS ME! Other than that, a decent loving relationship, but I deserve better, I'm moving out.
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reader, XxxJulesxxX  +, writes (7 June 2015):
I had just come out of a 16 year relationship and meet this other guy which we have almost been together 2 years.
But he just cant help himself he will look at any girl no matter what they look like.
I try to talk to him and he just gets angry.
Few weeks ago I found condoms here and there. Yeah maybe they are old but wouldn't u get rid of them.
This is just making my confidence and self esteem drop to the floor.
I always feel like I have to look good around him.
Thing is not be horrible he isnt even nice looking.
So good to know im not the only one out there asking same thing...
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reader, newlife  +, writes (8 January 2014):
I have just finished with my boyfriend. He is 49 and I'm 52. When I first started to see him he thought I was gorgeous, and said it, said he was so proud to be going out with me. Then later on he was so in love with me and said it continuously. A few months down the line I realised he was ogling other women, blonde like me, weighing up their assets shamelessly and staring at them until they noticed and looked back at him. He's not a great looking guy, weedy, not very tall, a broken nose and as an ex alcoholic, looks pretty weathered. I met him in a cafe and we got talking but he's not someone who would turn my head in the street, if you know what I mean. I noticed at the slightest sign of discontent from me, he would hit the roof and start saying I needed professional help because I was so insecure. He would storm off and leave me and not speak to me for weeks. Since then its been break up after break up, he never understands my texts or anything, twists everything around etc but he continues to ogle and weigh up women at every chance he gets. He even thought it was ok to stare at two pakistani teenagers because they were wearing unusual head dress and decided to get up from his seat, go to them and take photos of them while they were posing for him. One time when we broke up and got back together he had a photo of another very young pakistani girl on his phone, he said it just kept appearing??? He had ex girlfriends numbers on his phone and told me they invited him round to his house sometimes, they were still friends. My daughter caught him out once while we were in the car together ogling at a girl her age and told him, jokingly of course. He tells me his eyes are for looking. The last one was when we were playing pool and he couldn't stop staring at yet another pakistani girl, about 16, she wasn't wearing anything sexy or out of the ordinary, she wasn't particularly good looking either but he couldn't take his eyes off her. I didn't say anything. We moved on to the amusement arcade where I went to the loo, and when I came out he was nowhere in sight. He eventually popped out from seemingly nowhere and said, hey come and see this machine, its amazing. So I went to look and the little pakistani girl was sitting in it. I wasn't best pleased and he noticed and even tho I wdnt say anything about it, he kept hounding me all night to tell him what was wrong so, when we got back to my house I told him what I'd seen and he hit the roof, as I expected, said I was accusing him of being a perv or something and stormed out slamming the door behind him. He then chose to ignore me for days so I texted him. He said he couldn't believe I was accusing him of that. He said I was insecure and needed help. that he was a father and wdnt dream of doing anything with a young girl, but the arguments got so bad, I decided he was making me very unhappy, I was allowing him to make me feel insecure when I'd never been like that before. I've never experienced anything like it and he still tries to blame me for everything. He's also childish enough, like the last time we split to show all our private texts to his mum and friends. I've realised now that he's just a child in a man's body, he is so immature and most likely more insecure than I am. I would prefer now to be on my own than with a man like that. So I finished with him and said I never wanted to see him again. I feel so relieved and in future, I will date more mature men, we don't have to put up with all this heartache. Relationships are meant to be happy
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reader, Texas Glori +, writes (3 March 2013):
Try being married to a truck driver! I rude with him every day he goes, because I know from past experience with him that he would put someone else in my seat if I didn't. He used to stare right at girls/women and get this black eyed lusty look while licking his lips. He has sent me off to the other end of the store, disappeared to ANOTHER restroom across the store from the ones we entered..saying his was being cleaned. I waited 15-20 minutes for him. He denied it all of course. Making me question my own instincts..not to mention, my eyes! I've woken up to the door in the house being ajar, truck doors partially closed...KNOWING I closed them. Woken up to him walking in the front door, bedroom, fully clothed..as if he'd been out. All the while, he had an erection dysfunction...yeah right. I am 58 and love this handsome, muscular man, but after public humiliation OVER AND OVER, his comments to other women, hearing other women in the background when on the phone with him and the constant rejection in bed...even to the point if crossing his legs when I wanted to touch him and fool around...I don't have any confidence any more. I'm not ugly or overly heavy at all for my age ... Reading your stories and thinking upon my own NIGHTMARE, I realize I've stayed too long. Though it got really better for a while, the old behavior is starting again. I've even had women apologize to me that he grabbed her hand or made an obvious pass at. He even used to push me out of the way to wait for him to hold the door open for some pretty woman. I'm just afraid of what may happen to me financially. One son in college one getting married...should I just get out of his way, stay home and just use him for money and OCCASIONAL sex? I should have known better. If you read this and are with an ogler, RUN. The pain never goes away, your sex isn't enjoyable, your self esteem will be destroyed and...NO .. It won't go away!!
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reader, Susannn +, writes (2 January 2013):
I dont agree with Dr Phil however I do agree with the last answer which again like many previous posts suggests emotionally and physically withdrawing from an ogling partner. At 47 I have never until my last relationship had any need to even consider ogling as a problem. Previous partners may have looked however it was never something I gave a second thought and to be honest would have considered the comments on ogling over reacting. Not now because I have experienced this wierd and selfish behaviour of an ogling boyfriend for 3 or so years.Its now at the point where I dont say anything, he knows I know and I think its more pathetic than hurtful.I also dont think its related to confidence, it anything lack of confidence from a sleazy, selfish and yes passive aggressive air waster. The ogler i know would ogle irrespective of being with you,on his own or under water. I have also found his nice exterior seems to have worn out and his ogling pales when compared to his abusive angry outbursts. Beware because ogling may be any indicator of an even darker side he has not chosen to let you see.
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reader, Susannn +, writes (2 January 2013):
I dont agree with Dr Phil however I do agree with the last answer which again like many previous posts suggests emotionally and physically withdrawing from an ogling partner. At 47 I have never until my last relationship had any need to even consider ogling as a problem. Previous partners may have looked however it was never something I gave a second thought and to be honest would have considered the comments on ogling over reacting. Not now because I have experienced this wierd and selfish behaviour of an ogling boyfriend for 3 or so years.
Its now at the point where I dont say anything, he knows I know and I think its more pathetic than hurtful.
I also dont think its related to confidence, it anything lack of confidence from a sleazy, selfish and yes passive aggressive air waster. The ogler i know would ogle irrespective of being with you,on his own or under water. I have also found his nice exterior seems to have worn out and his ogling pales when compared to his abusive angry outbursts. Beware because ogling may be any indicator of an even darker side he has not chosen to let you see.
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reader, ElgieR +, writes (31 December 2012):
I go with Dr. Phil on this. Everything one does in a relationship either "adds to" or "subtracts from" the relationship. There is NO neutral. These oglers are passive-aggressive jerks. And they are baiting their main woman. The reason these men have so much confidence in the first place is BECAUSE they are already with a woman. They feel secure in their desirability (smugly feeling "I already have someone") and they want to pretend that every other desirable woman in their range would want them too.
I've only known 1 guy who was like that with me, we had a FWB relationship, I was not into him that strongly, and it STILL hurt to know a man I had sex with seemed interested in any other woman outside of me when we were together. We could not even sit at a bar and have one-on-one conversation. His head swiveled so much I asked him was he looking for someone.
That's when I recognized that passive-aggressive hurtful behavior takes it's toll no matter how uninvolved you are emotionally with a man. A few months in I told him I did not want to be physical with him any longer. The emotional relief I felt after that conversation was immediate! I have not regretted locking up the booty. I am seeing other people. I still see the ogling guy at clubs, and now when his head swivels, it does not hurt me at all and I thank myself for getting him out of my sex life.
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reader, NEWGIRL5 +, writes (23 September 2012):
I used to have a relationship with one of these oglers. It was a serious relationship and bc of this behavior it damaged our relationship. We are now broken up and he has gone on to marry some other girl from a third world country that puts up with it bc she gets a green card, meal ticket (she doesnt work), and baby out of him. Looking back now I should've done one of the following:1. Not get upset about it bc it never helped to talk it over. The ogling never ended and he became resentful to stop even tho he tried. I just had to accept it if I didnt want to lose him. 2. Break up with him early on even tho he was great in other areas. But this behavior just brought out the worst in me which affected our relationship. 3. Accept it and start looking at other men too and start having affairs behind his back to make myself feel more attractive again. If we had to do it all over again I would've gone with either no 2 or 3. I can see now that ogling is a BIG sign of immaturity and having his cake and eating it. It seems a lot of men are immature and take pride in that fact. The old line ' oh we men never grow up we just need mothering bc ee are babies'. Well how would they like it if we women said that! My experience NEVER. They are just hypocrites and living on double standards all the time. Best thing to do is stop discussing this altogether and either roll with it by pointing out pretty women to them for the rest of your lives or start checking out other men too. Men take notice much better thru action and less words. Well anyway I found out that my ex ogler was meeting up with an ex gf behind my back in the beginning of our relationship. He lied to me about it and used it as an excuse to get me upset so I could break up with him. Lots of men are not worth being loyal to actually. So stop freaking out over these useless men who dont respect women. Just stop the whining and go out and check out other guys and do what you like as well behind their backs. Doesnt seem to stop these jerks. Tell your bf how women are visual too and how you find other guys hot or comment about guys body parts. We women need to stop being too good for these immature jerks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2012): I think there is a huge difference between a quick glance and downright staring and making excuses to get a better look or moving in on a woman to view her close up. Then the up and down stare at a woman's backside or several stares back at a woman or at her bum when the man has his girlfriend right beside him. It's rude behavior and disrepectful. How would these men feel if we did these same things to them and went off in some trance over a man nearby. There are limits and boundaries to this behavior. So point it out them and then give them so many chances to change and tell them that OR otherwise you will have to move on and find someone that will treat you properly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2012): I see every woman on this post saying that their man looks at other women. In my own experience I’ve seen my boyfriend’s checking out other women. Maybe it is b/c they are cute, or wearing something sexy, or perhaps b/c they just are different/interesting looking… but I agree that men do this. I look at cute guys from time to time too…that doesn’t mean I’d leave my BF for him…it just means he’s cute…he’s eye candy. However, since it is clear that most all straight men look at other women, I think many are you are taking it too far to say that all these men are “poor excuses for a man”. They can’t all be bad. If your man “looking” is the only issue in your relationship, then I recommend that you consider yourself lucky and don’t let this trait (relatively minor in the big picture) cause a riff that ruins an otherwise strong relationship. If your relationship is in trouble, there will be other signs than just this.Let’s face it, we women are insecure beasts. We need compliments, we often get jealous too easily, we often make a bigger deal out of minor issues than we should, and we take things personally. In situations like this, a little self confidence and rationality goes a long way. Surely we aren’t naïve enough to think that just because our BF or husband is with us that they no longer find other women attractive? I know I find other men attractive. My experience with men has enlightened me to the fact that one quality they detest is jealousy, and unless your guy has a severe problem in this area, then calling him out on it will only make him think that you are insecure and jealous. The fact is that even men who are helplessly in love and adore their wives will still glance or check out other women, and we need to accept this. However, if it gets to an unreasonable stage that makes you uncomfortable, I would recommend initially addressing it in a very light and cool way, so that your guy knows that you are not naïve to what he’s doing, but also that you are too confident to let it rattle you. I’d suggest saying something in a fun tone like, “Hey buster…I think that girl in the short skirt has great legs too, and I know it is hard not to look at them, but could you try for me? You know how we women are…we like to feel like we are the center of your attention. When you’re out with your boys then you can get your fix of staring at hotties, OK? “ smile. A good attitude and humor goes a long way in initially addressing the issue. Unless your man is dense he should get the idea after a few comments like this from you which gets the point across without him thinking you’re weak. If the problem continues after this, and you think it may be a symptom of a larger problem, then you’ll need to have a more serious, one-on-one conversation about it. If that doesn’t solve it you probably already know what needs to be done. PS: I showed this to my BF before posting. He said he pretty much agreed. He also said, “What women should understand is that when a guy looks at a cute girl it doesn’t necessarily mean that he thinks she is cuter or better than you. It doesn’t mean that he is even comparing her against you. It simply just means she is cute and pleasing to look at. It is just like how women like to look at hot guys or other sexy women in women’s magazines or movies. They are just nice to look at. If anything they get you a little turned on and make you want to ravage your significant other!”
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2012): A quick glance (something that doesn't last for more than 3 seconds) is normal. We tend to look at attractive people of the same sex too. It's a reflex. Anything more than that is NOT a reflex. Men say it's "biology" and "uncontrollable" but it is NOT. It is a choice. "Checking out" or "ogling" cause a lot of hurt to many women and you should NOT tolerate such behavior if it bothers you.Of course, there are women who are totally fine with their men ogling at other women but that doesn't mean you have to be comfortable too. What works for them may not work for you. What works for you may not work for them.Give your boyfriend a warning. If he still doesn't stop, dump that disrespectful horny pig.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2012): Your boyfriend is not sweet and caring if he expresses sexual interest in other women.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2012): Looking at other women in front of me like that, without any regard for me makes me feel like he is "stuck" with me and oh, how bad that is for him when he really wants that young thing that walks in front of him or is across a room.
It makes me feel old, ugly and unattractive.
I am getting older with menopause and my body is changing. I'm not that young girl anymore that had a knockout figure in the past. I am well aware of the young hotties around me, but I don't need my husband to remind of that as well with his ogling of them.
Shouldn't he be telling me I am his one and only love. It's a slap in the face every time he stares at women in front of me.
I feel myself drifting away from him...far away for that matter.
He isn't really "there" with me anyway in public since he is too busy scoping out the women.
I guess he will turn around one day and not find me there and he will be standing all alone.
Maybe that is what he really wants so he can go and pursue the young girls.
I've stood alone enough with him by my side ogling women as if I am not there.
It's time I do good things for myself instead of feeling so miserable inside all the time.
It's all so sad.
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reader, CathyH  +, writes (17 August 2012):
Looking up and down for the hour glass figure, for fertility???? Surely when they are with someone, the job vacancy has been filled.I read somewhere that a man has a blueprint of an ideal woman. He may fall in love with a woman who is, say, dark when he wants a blonde, but because she isn't this blueprint, he will keep looking because deep down he is searching for this darkhaired girl. He isn't committed really. A GREAT cure early on in a relationship for ogling came to me this year. Unfortunately I had suffered a long relationship of being publicly humiliated by my then partner's ogling/denying/attacking. He ogled so much in some cases the boyfriend of the girl would start to look over very crossly!!! Well the cure for a potential ogler in a brand new relationship is ACTION. If you 'try to talk' it won't work. You will be called jealous, he can deny it, pretend he didn't notice he did it, all that rubbish. He will find out precisely where you are emotionally, and learn what he can get away with. It weakens your position, words don't work with men. You will be manipulated and he will know how to press your buttons.So a scenario, you're out together. The very second he ogles, either: 1. bring the girl right over (if you know her) or 2. If you can't bring the girl over, call him on it. Say there is no way I'm staying here with you, You Are Ogling Another Woman. And leave, preferrably without him.If you do know the girl and bring her over, he will do or say something he can't deny. You are giving him rope enough to hang himself. He cannot say you are jealous, it's in your head etc. By the way, if he likes you and isn't interested, THAT will be obvious too.I've tried this method, these oglers have such intent when the object of their lust is immediately brought over, they will say or do something out of line, really flirtatiously. Then you can hammer your man and leave him there. If you don't know the girl and can't bring her over, just say "it's time for me to go you're ogling other women" - End Of. No argument, no listening to attacks, no letting him cajole or talk. Be pleasant when you part and say goodbye. Then ignore him when he rings again. You may text him and say you won't see him because of his behaviour. He will return if he intends to put you first. And he will return understanding the rules. You teach men how to treat you - start off as you mean to go on. You will find it easier to cut him from your life if he is an ogler early on in the play anyway. It's no loss. If he wants you, he will come back On YOUR Terms. All my adult life I was being nice to who I was dating, expecting the man to be nice back and being disappointed, now I get the respect. Men can be so pleasant in private, but then let you down and be disrespectful. They can profess love, and not commit. They can attack as a form of defense, get you to fight with them so they can leave. You have to be rock solid and use action. Kind words, understanding words, sympathetic words - discussions teasing out problems - they are for your female friends and relations. Sit there and listen to a boyfriend's attack and they will continue to do what they're doing ogling away - just hoping their verbal attacks will get you to shut the heck up. A man gives you as little as you let him away with. They have no respect if you let them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2012): @Susann,
I'm just being honest. Don't be angry. Guys will look without realizing it. Even if we consciously do our best not to, our guard will fall. Look at your sons, your brothers, your fathers even grandfathers carefully when a very attractive woman goes by. You will be shocked when you notice it. It doesn't mean we don't want to be with our wives or girlfriends.
And yes Evolution. Men look at a woman from top to bottom in search of the hour-glass figure, it is a sign of fertility.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2012): This is plain and simple....jealous or not...wrong is wrong! When your man has wondering eyes in front of you hes saying 2 things..."#1 HES SILENTLY ADMITTING 2 NOT ONLY U AND THAT CHICK BUT 2 ANYONE WATCHING"that he finds her more attractive than you which is how she was able 2 steal the spot light.Becuz of this a complete stranger learns more about Ur relationship then even yourself.#2 hes obviously admitting the lil 2 no respect or consideration he has 4 u and ur feelings for only a heartless fool would want 2 make the woman they love feel inferior or less than and this is obvious reactions 2 his behavior so wht gives.now stop the silence and speak up cuz until u do he may not even see it as an issue considering u never spoke up.
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reader, Susannn +, writes (17 July 2012):
Sorry having im having trouble with this 'Evolutionary trait' and 'cant help it' to any relevance to the posts of the women here. This is about men who CAN HELP IT AND CHOOSE TO DO IT despite humilitating their partners. My advice is find someone else (a real person that you can touch) and let them have their ogling on the few times you can stand being with them in public. Act like a sleaze, get treated like one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2012): As a Man, I'm very sorry to hear that so many of you ladies are hurt and upset by this, not just emotionally but physically as well in some cases.
I will give you all my honest opinion though. ALL Men check out other women and this DOES NOT mean they find you unattractive or that your are not good enough for them. It is just an Evolutionary trait in all men.
I never even realized I was checking out women until my best friend who is a woman pointed it out to me. I honestly, hand on heart did not realize I was doing it and she laughed at me telling me I was looking for a good 8 seconds.
After she told me this, I was worried what others would think of me and became more conscious of this and tried my utmost to stop. However it just happens without even noticing.
I promise you watch your fathers, your brothers, your male friends, even your grandfather very very carefully when you are out together, and you WILL BE SURPRISED to learn that THEY ALL DO IT!
It not a personal affront to you at all if your husband/boyfriends eye wanders without him realizing it.
You may find my post offensive or insensitive and I am sorry for that. It is just my honest opinion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2012): I am an older man, once young and handsome!It depends what you mean by your partner ogling other women - If a partner goes out of his way to stare at another woman, that's rude, and you would be quite right to reprimand him. However, if he pretends not to see an attractive woman, he's either lying or gay. Is that what you want? I think women need to develop a certain level of comfort with themselves, to where they can accept that there are many other attractive women in the world.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012): Guys I have one thing for you. When you oggle other women and the woman you are with notices this you are short changing yourself because a woman needs to know her man thinks the world of her and her alone. What you are missing out on is alot actually. You miss out on finding out what a beautiful wonderful person you are with. You miss out on intimacy and this is critical in a relationship. Oggling and running after other women destroys the respect and tender fruits of the love your wife/girlfriend has for you. This also destroys trust in a relationship which is vital and no relationship can live without. Whats more is that she wont get what she needs from you, that is admiration and attention and she will not want to have sex either because she would be afraid that when you are doing the deed you are thinking of someone else. This will eventually make her loose interest in you and you will find someone else sure ....until you find someone else to oggle at and it will start all over again which will eventually have u end up alone, old with no one to spend your life with plus a string of bad relationships with no turning back. Girls never ever ever settle for a man who treats you this way because there are men out there who will treat you like the treasure you are. A person worth respect, love and true intimacy....God Bless you all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012): I've been married 29 years to my husband. He is 9 years older than me, handsome and very self assured. Women find him attractive and he loves to flirt with them and even some of my friends have openly pursued him (friends no more - ha ha) and he has been flattered but been put off once they start their pursuit. Alas, he ogles. I am average height, long blond hair and am called "cute" and still get embarrassed about being complimented and feel very uncomfortable when men ogle me. As much as I love and adore my husband it has started to affect our marriage more and more as the years went by. WE have a great sex life (so there goes that assumption) hug and kiss a lot and he often pays me compliments which now I find rather hollow, due to his ogling. If only he knew that. So much so that I think up any excuse not to go out together in public and often even short-change myself so as to avoid the hurt and feeling of "no matter how much he loves me, I'll never be good enough" when in public together. No more concerts, less dinners out, movies mostly at home, he runs errands by himself and all because I want to avoid his roving eye as we drive about, walk on the side walk got into shops. When I ask him about it he either denies it and gets annoyed or just clams up. Around me he does not leer and drool but he certainly does try and catch the eye of the attractive woman he is looking at and gets a sort of dreamy, pleased with himself look if she does. It's devastating. Even though it hurts me enormously, he still can't seem to help himself. GUYS, IF YOU KNEW HOW MUCH IT HURT you would not do it. I shed a few tears when I read the feelings and experiences of other women on this site, and my desperation and sadness today made me seek out this page by googling this question. I make sure we sit in a restaurant where he has the least view of the room or wherever we are; dread going to parties and sometimes at night cry myself to sleep if we've been together that day and it's happened and I feel particularly sensitive that day. The weirdest thing is he is utterly attentive and devoted to me when we are alone. But when we are out, if he sees an attractive women heading our way, he will even let go of my hand. Quite incredible. I agree with so many of the answers on this blog - women have been used as sex symbols to sell anything and everything on the planet and men are wired to ogle now and have to work at it to stop the addiction and women have to win back their self esteem and individual uniqueness as each of us are sentient beautiful human beings. Big business and fashion have taken that away from us. It is heartbreaking to me that we are all sisters and experience such hurt. Next time this happens (it just happened today after a wonderful lunch together downtown and after kissing me he caught the eye of a tall pretty young woman over my shoulder ) I'll think of us all and feel more solidarity with you out there who find this so painful too. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and be well and I wish you all wonderful things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2012): My boyfriend does the same, been with him for a bout a year. I can't go to town with him because he will look at any attractive girl. He is the most sweetest and gentle soul that I know of but when he does that it gets me Sooo angry I just wanna leave him. I have confronted him about this a lot and he agreed that he does it as is a bad habit and that he will try to stop.
But no he hasn't, once I was at a book store and he kept looking outside to check out other girls and asked me if I found the book I was looking for and I said well if ur werent drooling outside you would have found it. His face dropped lol but he laffed afterwards. I honestly want to spend my life with him but 20 years down the line, I don't wana feel as if I made a mistake.
I've tried looking at other guys but it feels weird because I honestly don't find them attractive. He tells me that I am the most beautiful girl he has ever seen but really these are just words, the thing is I would leave him it's that I don't want to because he means too much to me. It's really hard to watch someone you love, glance at other girls. He will even glance when he's driving and a couple of times I have seen him look up and down at my friend. It's not a nice feeling, I know. Sometimes I wish I was single again because that way I'm not going to freak out or be in competition with anyone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2012): Every single description of every man that i have read about here, IS Entirely, Totally, the same man i was married to for 10 yrs.!!! No amount of Love, no amount of crying, complaining, pleading, hurting Ever caused him to even "let up"!! Instead, he got angry with Me, for being upset!! I put up with it for Years,telling myself that he Really did love me..... Then finally (like the rest of you), found excuses to not go Anywhere with him....Let me tell you, girls, A man that will treat you this way,hurt you this way, disrespect you this way, especially after you've told him what it does to you?? This man Is a cheater!! I learned the hard way. He's on the lookout for 2 reasons. #1-Looking for his next "thrill" And #2-Making sure is last "thrill" isn't about to run into YOU!!!
I finally caught mine! (Then it all made sense!)He was fooling around with Anything that would look at him twice!
Do yourself a Big favor....get out Yesterday!! You deserve better! When i started dating again, going out with guys who treated me like I WAS SPECIAL?, I didn't hardly know how to act!! It was Unbelievable!!
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reader, vessa +, writes (29 June 2012):
We are both nearly 50 and been together for a year. My partner just can't keep from staring like a side show clown and even worse he feels he has to comment on the attributes of any sexy woman around when we are out together. I have commented that he is being disrespectful of me when he goes too far and try to ignore the rest. It makes me feel sick and completely turns me off him. He doesn't seem to notice.We have a great sex life and I don't have a problem with perving when I'm not there but honestly....it's pathetic! I DON"T want to know who he would like to have sex with and would appreciate his charm and flirting directed at me when were together. I'm a good looking woman, kind, generous and sexy and he should feel blessed to be with me, yet he cannot keep his eyes in his head and his foul mouth shut when an attractive woman is around.I can only see one solution.... end it and find a man who respects me.Thanks for listening this has been cathartic for me!So in answer ...he won't change, get out now and find a good one.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2012): My boyfriend is starting to do this. Eyeing up the women, anywhere, on the street, in shops, at restaurants. I can't go with him anymore, anywhere really.I am starting to make excuses not to go out with him. It's gotten to the point that all we do is stay home and watch movies together. Going out in public with him is a nightmare. I let him run errands alone, we dine in (no more restaurants) or going to public events.It's becoming pathetic. This has really affected my relationship, what you can call what is left of it, with him.Since I am not spending so much time with him, I have more "free" time and it's like we are starting to lead separate lives and all because of his ogling.I think all men are really like this. There isn't too many men that aren't.The more I think about it, I think I would be better off single. I might as well be given his ogling. I feel so alone anyway when he does this in front of me so why even bother pursuing a relationship with someone that can't focus on who they are with. That just shows me there are other areas of their life that are probably deviant and I don't care to stick around to find out what those may be.I feel for everyone here. I really do. Reading these posts brings tears to eyes. It's a hurt that we as women shouldn't have to endure.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2012): I spent an hour reading these stories and the more i read the more upset i got. I'm sick and tired of men. They're ugly to me. I've been together with my boyfriend for a year now. I love him to death and can't imagine being with anyone else in this world. I want a future with him, i want to get married and i want children with him.
I only now realize why i don't like going to public places with him. I now realize why we spend our time at my house or at other private places. Everytime we're out with him i caught him glancing at other women. He doesn't stare but he may glance at the women several times. This kills me! I don't accept it. I'm quite an insecure person myself and i know you all know how bad it makes you feel when you realize he's just blatantly looking at others.
We were in London a few months ago. It was our first (and probably last?) journey together. We spent there only four days but still during those days i found myself angry, upset and miserable. We spent 70% of those days in silence because i cought him staring all the fucking time. I remember this certain girl. We were on a bus on our way to our hotel. Then i saw this girl that was standing at the sidewalk and i glanced at my boyfriend, he looked at her. I glanced at him again, he still looked at her. Then, i glanced at the girl. She gave me the bitck-look... like "poor you aren't as gorgeous as i am"! I felt like a fucking nobody!!! I wanted to die. I felt so miserable that i started to cry. He didn't understand what he did wrong.
I don't know if i can take this anymore. I don't deserve to be treated as a nobody whenever i'm out. I'm sick and tired of trying to compete with other women and worrying about where my boyfriend's eyes are again. I love him too much to leave him and i haven't been able to talk about this topic. All i do is i get all angry and upset, i don't talk to him and i want him to disappear. That's when he starts to flatter me, "oh i love you too much :(".
I do NOT look at other men. I'm simply just not interested. If i glance at a guy it's "an accident" because i need to look in front of me to see where i'm going, right? I never look at men in search of a new boyfriend. I respect my boyfriend, i think he's the most handsome man in this world and i do not need anyone else. Why can't men feel the same? They're all pigs. I wish i was a lesbian... funny but true.
Good luck women! I feel for you all!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2012): Hello, im barely 18 my boyfriend does the same thing, at first he was a very sweet guy he would probably slap himself before ever looking at a girl, but after some time we were dating, he started looking at girls. It happens all the time and it hurts me so bad i feel like im just another one of his guy friends just sitting next to him. I am a woman too and a pretty one i'd say. why is it than when another female just happens to walk by, then i become a man and completely invisible for him. He makes me feel so bad. and when i confront him about it he hesitates and he starts "acting" all annoyed at me for even asking him about it. he then blames me for ruining the perfect moment that we were having together. also, he always denies looking at other women, until one day he got fed up and said "YES! so what i do look at them im a guy! so fucking what? at least you dont have me sleeping around with them!, you're lucky i only "admire" other women" This literally killed me!! i felt sooo bad about myself, to a point where i just watch him stare, and i dont say a word, i would even hope he'd get a good look. This is so degrading for me and it still happens to this day. That day as i heard him say those words, i promised myself i would leave him and never come back to him again. But what do you do when you love that person and you go home thinking "it isnt fair for ME!!"wHAT DO THOSE WOMEN HAVE THAT i DONT? even his guy friends compliment him for having such a "hot" girlfriend, and it even pisses him off that they have the guts to tell him. I never have the "need" to check out guys so why does he for girls? ANd i really hate those stupid excuses that they use, because they are men they can look, or because their isnt anything wrong in just looking. its horrible! we cant be caught admiring a handsome guy because we are automatically the most easiest and sluttiest women!!
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reader, 057 +, writes (11 May 2012):
Its crazy the posts on here. Everyones having the same problem. Its not just me, not just you.
I sent myself to a psychologist (at $120 an hour) to try & stop MY insecurities. Yeah Ive got low self esteem but after 2 years of arguing with myself ("Im the one with the problem, hes not doing anything wrong, I just interpret it wrong") & my boyfriend ("ah, youre just looking for problems where there isnt any because you think youre not good enough etc, & looking at another beautiful woman is like looking at a nice car" - how lovely to compare women to cars, like objects)
Im really beginning to think that infact I am right about this. Its hurtful, degrading, disrespectful, humiliating & disloyal. I thought I could try & be this perfect amazing woman so he would always give me his full attention. No thanks. I cant run behind someone because it wont work. He wouldnt run behind me like that.
I proposed oogling guys to see how it would make him feel. He said "Thatd be disrespectful to me." & his defense was that he was looking at other attractive girls "respectfully" & not thinking he "wanted them."
Hes "just looking."
And besides, he was coming home with me, not her, so that should make me thankful, right?
There were some guys in the park playing soccer with no shirts & he blames my confidence "See, I wouldnt even think you were looking at them in that kind of way because I have confidence in myself & in us."
I hated going out with him & started refusing to walk anywhere with him or go to restaurants. He said "Even if I did watch other women, do you think I would be stupid enough to do it infront of you?" Well, you have because Ive seen you & reguardless of wether im with you or not, it still shouldnt be something you should ever WANT to do. Its clearly hurtful. Us women sit here & try to fix ourselves, try to be the best, try to blame it on our insecurities, try to accept it as a "man thing," say stuff like "men are visual & its part of their instinct."
Well, men are also intelligent, complex human beings that make their own choices. My boyfriend tried to find help on this subject by talking to his dad. Which was the worst thing because ever since I first met his dad, he himself stares at my boobs/bum/legs. I have to cover as much as I can when we see him & its made me disgusted by him. Im less than HALF your age! Serious! If I told my boyfriend hed say "Youre just paranoid that everyones a pervert." & probably get very seriously mad at me for accusing his dad.
He doesnt understand because he doesnt have a vagina. All my life Ive dealt with gross guys wolf whistling or yelling obscenities or looking me up & down on the street or just plain staring. Im very aware of it. No, I never ever appriciate it. A disgusting wolf whistle doesnt tell me "I really appriciate your personality & the intelligent things you have to say." Id rather my worth be based on my brain, not my looks.
"Theres nothing wrong with looking, as long as you dont touch." ...so whats your motivation for looking then? You shopping for someone else? My boyfriend says its curiosity. Curiosity to know what? What that brunettes bra size is? That going to improve your life?
He also says "My eyes just fell there, it wasnt on purpose." or just denies it "No I didnt, I dont even remember that woman on the street." Probably because Im not even sure he notices hes doing it. So many times Ive let it go without saying anything because I know it will cause an arguement that will be MY fault, so instead it just kills me.
I suppose the problem is because he feels hes doing nothing wrong & Im over reacting. You wont fix a problem if you dont believe theres a problem. I just worry for one day when Im old or pregnant or whatever. Everyone else will be alot more desirable than me. But he already looks anyway.
Does he desire the girls he looks at? Dont know. Cant think of any other logical reason why. Its so tiring & boring. I thought I had the first brilliant bloke in my life. And if we cant get past this it may destroy us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2012): It's amazing what you can google. I was shocked at how many women have this problem with men. I' ve dated many guys and have been married before but I've never experienced this type of behavior. I have been dating a guy for 4 years that has been the most perfect match for me. His staring almost destroyed a beautiful relationship. I have confronted him and I get the same excuses everyone else gets. I have told him looking is normal staring is not. He might as well slap me every time he does stare because it hurts that much. He can be talking to me and catches a view of a women and will actually forget what he was saying. He goes into a trance when he looks. He will stare then look at me and say "what were we talking about"? I want to knock his head off. He would want to go to the mall to look for clothes for me. Right, all he would do is stare at the women in the ladies deparrment. If he saw a women he liked he would walk over by her and act like he is looking at clothes for me while watching her. I told him lets go over to the men's department. No he doesn't want to do that. I told him must be because there is not enough eye candy for him over there. I have done it back to him but he's to busy scoping the area to notice and now I have some guy smiling at me. Men don't care if your with another guy all they see is hey this girl is checking me out. If I see a guy checking me out and he is with a girl I give him a dirty look and I told my boyfriend that women that see you looking at them with your wife or girlfriend next to you think your a DOG. It got where I was parinoid to go anywhere with him because I knew he would find some women like a bird dog and just stare. And if he did I would get instantly sick to my stomach. It is so damn rude! Vacations were a nightmare, driving in the car he is always checking his mirrors to see what is approaching our car. He has to look past me to stare at a women driver in the right lane. Again HOW DAMN RUDE! If I would ask him "what you looking at" I get a nothing or a lame excuse like "oh her license plate was crooked". Yah, well we live in a state that has no front plate. I always confronted him and ask him if he could really tell that from his rear view mirror? So I finally quit going anywhere in public with him. I told him I would not be so disrespected. He didn't like it at all. Wanted to know how can we have a relationship if we can't go out in public together. No shit, we can't. It took a few times doing that and he has changed tremendously. Then one day we went somewhere with his parents and I saw that his dad does the same shit. I pointed out to him and asked him how does it feel to watch your dad disrespect your mother whom my boyfriend loves dearly. I notice now that when we go out he may give a quick glance which is very exectable or he looks down. So hang in there. I believe this is a bad habit and learned bad behavior which can be changed if they really want to keep you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): I have read every post here. Thank you ladies for posting your thoughts on this subject. I feel so much pain here by this action from men. I lost my husband and was not going to marry or date. Well, someone walked into my life and I decided to give dating a try and even got engaged. But now I see a whole other side that I hadn't seen before. I believe in getting to know the good, the bad and ugly of a person if I ever decided to walk down that aisle again. At home everything is great. Wonderful in fact. It's when we leave the home that he changes almost right before my eyes. He has to glance or gawk at everything in a skirt, be it waitresses or women in restrauants (take a gander at their behinds) if they pass our table. Even at work functions with his boss and his bosses wife right there at our table. A look or the norm a double look. He seems so much more interested in that "mystery" woman sitting across from us at another table then who he is sitting with right beside him--meaning me. I might as well be invisible and that ladies is when I feel so very much alone in that moment. And yes our vacations together--my vacations are miserable. I don't have good memories. I just remember his gawking at every woman at every place we visit. I remember them all like a list in my head. This is a middle aged man I am talking about which makes him look like a perv and a dirty old man at that. That, let alone telling me how beautiful celebrities are or this or that co-worker, almost daily. He has even snapped pictures of women's behinds on beaches as I see other posters have said about their boyfriends, fiances or spouses. This was not done alone, but with me right there with him. A fun vacation for him you bet, but not for me. It's a total lack of respect. I want respect and I don't want to be a doormat to this behavior. I guess my fear and why I am staying for the present and yes it's bad, but I do fear if I leave I will be destitute and land in poverty. I am older and my job skill level isn't there anymore. I ask myself...what am I to really do? How do I make things better for myself? How do I become self-sufficient? Not dependent on a man like this. I hate the dependence and want to be a free woman.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2012): I have been married over twenty years and have three children and I had married a man who looked at other women in front of me when we were dating. I don't know why I thought it would stop once we married, bought a house, had babies and were no longer kids, but it didn't and it only got worse. Nothing is more gross than being with a man who is getting older and still insists he looks ten years younger and stares at women half his age. And the worst of it is when they stare long and hard directly at their breasts like the fool I am married to does. Or that elevator stare going from the head to the ground and back up again. It is so degrading for me and also for the woman who realizes this creep is married and I can't begin to even explain what a complete waste of time it becomes to call anything a "vacation" anymore because inevitably I only come back more upset than before I left....so I might as well have not gone to begin with. I am writing this to tell all young women if you see your BF doing this, run as fast as you can because if the disrespect for you is there at that stage it will not only never go away, but I can assure you after you have children it will be 100 times worse. What happens is now you have become the "after" version of yourself to him and he is only looking at the "before" female form - not even thinking that he has a family and reasons to act as an example. It hurts so much more NOW, take my word on it, and if you don't believe me, all I can say is this: I was aware of my BF's problem and did not believe that my life was going to end up like this ....and it did....and I have been miserable inside inspite of having great kids and a decent place to live. Do you want to deny what you see like I did and be in my shoes twenty years later yourself? Think about it carefully and remember when you are young you still have time on your side. If you stay like I did for the sake of the children, you will have done the right thing technically but you will have so many bad memories you will be haunted by them for the rest of your life. And maybe like me you will get a divorce, but you will NEVER trust another man again. Get out when the getting is good NOW and save yourself a world of humiliation and despair for the others in your life that you love , not the children that you don't have, but for your parents and siblings who will surely suffer along with you. Dump the creep and don't look back.
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reader, Susannn +, writes (23 January 2012):
This question keeps generating replies because unfortunately there are men who ogle women in front of their partners. These women who are confident and intelligent start to question their instincts and wonder if they are being over insecure. They are definitely not if it is true 'ogling'. I define this as not looking or staring but deliberately positioning themselves in a position to ogle (usually walking behind) then giving an intense longing (wow you're hot)look to another women. Of course they don't expect you to aware of this, one way is to walk behind and see if women start looking at you with a surprised (amused, bewildered, warning) look on their faces after being ogled. I suspected this and he owned up saying his ex used to grab his arm (further humiliation for you having to 'pull him into line').
I believe this is the behavior of a non-clever person, first they are risking a current r'ship for the attention of a total stranger (often many years younger who would not be seen dead with them) it does not make sense. I suggest trusting your instincts, not doubting yourself, try discussing it with him. If it is not resolved (I believe this behaviour is very hard to change, even for a man who wants to). You need to decide if being with someone who humiliates you in public is worth it although the answers is already clear, no.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2011): Although this question was posed so long ago the fact that it receives numerous replies even to this day shows there is widespread and disturbing issue. It also shows me im not crazy and over reacting. im not blowing my own horn here..just want all you women out there to know it doesnt matter what we look like.. if a man is a dog.. he usually remains one..i am very attractive, i have a great body, good social life and im a doctor..im not a bitch, im not clingy and i love my space. My previous relationship for ten years with a good looking, intelligent man who NEVER looked at another women in my presence ended up with him cheating multiple times over the last six years of our relationship... i was too trusting and naive to know...until i saw the emails and phone msgs
this time.. i thought id do it differently..i went for the sweet, kind, caring guy who may not be great looking, but the previous mentioned traits made it worthwhile... i thought..
three months into the relationship and we are on holiday...venice in summer and lo and behold.. he cant take his bloody eyes off women.. i mean he literally turned around multiple times.. to get a better look.. and whenever he would be introduced to a lady (friends friend) who was even slightly attractive.. he would act like he had just escaped from jail after 10 years and was getting his first look at a pair of breasts.
Best part, when i confronted him... he denied and denied and became angry... as if i was attacking him..
one month after the trip.. i tried talking to him about it.. just pretending to one of his guys and he finally admitted to it.
everytime were out... he sees a pretty girl... poof there he goes... i could be dancing around naked for all he cares his attention is gone.. and when were out together .. men always look.. (and if hes with a lady i make sure he sees the disgust on my face.. )
But.. difference is i DONT feel sorry for myself..I REFUSE to feel insecure and i KNOW that its not my bloody problem.. Its HIS.. ive already been through the blame game with my previous bf.. and that was months of misery i never want to relive
anyway back to the guy... i told him to f off..of course i spoke to him rationally and explained that his actions hurt me (literally crushed my heart) but he didnt change
and if someone you love and who claims loves you , is unwilling to respect you and treat you in the way you should be treated... i guarantee you he wont change six months or six years down the line.. your personality and alot of your behavior is formed before the age of 18years... so usually once a f**k always will be...
ladies.. stop wasting your time and find someone who will truly cherish you and respect you...youll be better off in the long run
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reader, honesthoneybear +, writes (31 October 2011):
I have been in a relationship with a man for the last six years. I am worn out with the purposeful oggling, walking behind me to oggle, oggling teanagers, brushing past other women, making them feel the best thing since sliced bread, always in my company. He tells me it is all in my head, but I know better. After a recent holiday and following two teanagers around an attraction, I finally blew the whistle. We arrived home, where his daughter had her friend round and he was still making me feel worthless, engaging in conversation with her, making flirting eye contact, ignoring anything i had to say. I walked out there and then, he will never change and it is obvioubly his insecurities to blame. I alreay feel much better on my own.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): @(2 August 2011):
Why are you still with this guy? He cheated on his wife--that should be enough of a red flag to not get involved with him. Then he ogles other women right in front of you? Red flags, red flags, red flags. Kick this one to the curb. Don't worry about not being married at 47. You are just getting involved with the wrong type of men. There is someone out there for you that will cherish you. Don't give up!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2011): My boyfriend cheated on his wife before I met him with a neighbor and a friend of his family's. I am already scared he will cheat. It drives me crazy when I see him ogling other women on the television and while we're out. He always seems to start conversations with women when we're out such as waitresses etc., but never talks to men. When I confront him about his "interest" in other women, he says I'm ruining the relationship and am "uptight". I wish I could finally find a man that I feel secure with! OBTW I've been cheated on by every boyfriend I've ever had, I'm 47 years old and have never been married.....I'm sooooooo sad :-(
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2011): My fiance wanted to take me out for dinner and then we had other plans, you know. I got all dolled up and we were having a great time conversing on the way to the restaurant. Lo and behold a high school girl in shorts with her hair up in a ponytail was walking her dog down the sidewalk. As we drove up to pass her, my fiance could hardly keep the conversation going as he was taking in the visual sight of her. It was sickening to watch this happening. We arrived at the restaurant and by then I didn't even care to eat. I just nibbled on my food. He was oblivious to it all. It was a sigh of relief that there were no young women in the restaurant. I didn't even want him to touch me when we got back to our home. I faked the bedroom scene. The sooner it was over the better. I'm starting to wonder if there any respectful men on this planet left at all that don't think with what is between their legs all the time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2011): Summer is in full swing here now. I know what is coming...the girls in shorts jogging or walking together, bikini's on the beach or lake. I have to brace myself whenever we go out fully knowing he will look at whatever girl or woman crosses he view and drool or dream about them with me right there beside him seeing it all unfold before me. We went to the lake and there was a boy and girl, young, 15 or 16. The girl was in the lake giving her boyfriend kisses. It was young love and sweet. Of course, he had to say how cute the girl was. He being a middle aged man. Later on, at dusk, these two young people decided to take a walk on the beach together and they had to go right past the cabin. We were in the cabin. I saw them first and then waited to see what he would do. He finally saw them, moved into position to get a closer look at the girl as she walked by and watched them until they disappeared...all this time I was staring at him. He never caught on or pretended not to see me looking at him. What do these men think? That these girls or women are going to run up and jump their bones right then and there. You know that is what they are wishing would really happen. It is so humiliating to the one you are with. Your significant other has taken great pains to stay in shape, dress nicely and all for what? To be ignored, neglected and to feel all alone. It's not a good feeling to have when you go into public places together. The significant other might as well be alone. They may be happier going it alone than being with a partner that neglects them in public. It's all really sad.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): I'm tired of watching him "watching" other women.
Since he has wandering eyes, well then, so do I. I'm ready to put on my walking shoes and walk right out of this relationship. In fact, I should put on my running shoes and run away from him as fast as possible.
See what happens you little boys when you don't grow up and don't respect the woman you are with and who was willing to have a relationship with you--you end up getting dumped and left wondering what happened.
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reader, Susannnn +, writes (20 June 2011):
I had this problem for the first time in a relationship which I have recently ended. I don't think looking or even the occasional head turn is necessarily of huge concern. In this relationship however I noticed this guy regularly staring at other women and other women looking at me. I had a hunch when he was walking behind me (which he always did) he was ogling women, who would then look at me. I said to him I had seen him do it, I felt uncomfortable that the women were feeling sorry for me and looking at me instead of being cast under his spell and looking at him. He confessed and said he would stop, sure of course you will. I got rid of this insecure, vain loser to find a strong honest man.
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reader, CathyH +, writes (14 March 2011):
I had this problem. We even went to a counsellor to deal with "my jealousy" (which caused his rage and our breakups). This strange lady, humourously asked what could He do? Was he to wear dark glasses so I wouldn't see him doing this??? The whole idea behind her counselling sessions was that You Can't Control Another's Behaviour. Yes, also it was suggested that it was my lack of self esteem causing the problem. We paid 70 quid an hour for this nonsense which actually reduced any chance I had of him dealing with his chronic denial of his part in the problem and actually damaging my self esteem hugely.
Looking back now I'm getting my life back and dealing with the fall out of this relationship, I cannot believe I sat there, baring my soul and allowed them to do that to me. I would kick some ass if that counsellor tried that nonsense now. So your partner openly lusting other women really, really gets you to become less, to lose your self believe, to allow people to walk on you. You must get away from this kind of man.
As you can imagine, my self esteem was not helped by either part of the ordeal, being with my partner as he ogled and flirted with all and sundry, or going to a counsellor who basically backed him up that the only thing wrong was my Jealousy.
In fact, I was not jealous, it's very interesting to read some things in the Bible about jealousy, it is an idol, a spirit it was not my problem. But this ogling is a sign of great disrespect, perhaps a little of the man's insecurity, and a lot of his testosterone induced ego illusion, what I was feeling was Anger, humiliation, embarrassment, self doubt, confusion (why was he with me and longing for others so openly). I am 18 years younger than my now ex-partner, I am almost 6ft, and just under 140lbs, very toned. Yes I have lots of guys staring at me, perving, which I don't really enjoy, I think; too much and it's really invasive. I always smile and make friends with the girlfriend, leave him standing like a plonker, give such a man a filthy look when leaving the g/f's company. However, my self esteem took such a battering during that ill fated relationship with the ogler, I felt like a plain older woman, I was unhappy at being so slim, felt like a stick, dried out and unsexy. My personality was toned down, stiffled with anger and hurt.
I was very, very tired and reluctant to go to dinner, or anywhere really. If I mentioned a very obvious incident, there would be such a rage, I was told I was imagining it - there was no cure for me. On one occasion, he had the car door open and shouted I was a lunatic so people on the path heard. This was after he had ogled two girls, driven slowly past them, then back past them again giving a sneaky wave, which I saw. They obviously knew him, he pretended he had only seen 2 'people' in the distance, didn't know them. I mentioned I saw them every day and would it be alright if I asked them how he knew them? so it came out he did know them from catering at some events he attended. He attacked verbally and viciously.
A hairdresser said to me how glad she was it was off between us now, because he had been staring at her one night, kept wanting an introduction to her, even though she was with her husband. When he got chatting, he said could he go up and check her bedlinen. There is one thing on their minds with this staring, they care nothing for the person they are with, nor the partner of the person they ogle.
Don't underestimate what this man is doing to you. Don't listen if people say you are jealous. You are given instincts, your instincts are telling you this man is not cherishing you and loving you in a respectful way he should. You SHOULD be No. 1, not No-One when other women are around. There is all the difference in the world between the hurt of being treated shoddily and being actively jealous. Anyway, there are amazing statistics out there to show that a very high of people accused of irrational jealousy have been correct, they were being cheated on!! Mind yourself, you don't need a man treating you badly.
XC
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): I am dumping my sleazy ogler. I have had 2 out of 13 total boyfriends in my life who have done this. One I dumped after a few months because it was so offensive. One I was dumb enough to marry (he started it after we got married).Some men are glancers (a glance, and away) and some men are 'tracker', they stare hungrily, as if they are starving to death and use side view and rear view mirrors and stuff and subterfuge, follow them in supermarket aisles to see what their other bits and what their faces look like. They think we do not notice this and deny that they do it. This guy also likes teen porn and especially stares at teen schoolgirls with their bare legs. He is like a kid in a candy shop when he goes to town and all the high school girls are getting out of class and walking through town.I tried to avoid traveling with him, but really, don't you want to be able to walk around in public (especially with a partner) and enjoy yourself and not be grinding your teeth? Want to travel in your old age? Want to travel with an ogler? No. They make your peregrinations miserable with their drooling. The feeling that you are starving him because he needs that variety so much is not nice either.Looking forward to dumping this jerk soon. Just moved out and it feels SO good to just walk around town and "enjoy" walking, you know? It's not just people-watching. The women who are posting here are talking about a certain pervy voyeuristic behavior that is worse than what the average guy does.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): I am divorced 6 years now. I have dated over the six years of being single. I have to admit not once have I dated or been in a relationship with a man who can't keep his eyes of other females.In 2006 I dated a man who would run after other women in shops to get a better look. Who would sit and stare at women when we were out having a meal. It sickened me. In 2009 I thought I finally met someone who would respect me and appreciate my unique self. Again, same story. Ogle, ogle, ogle away. I now just smile when I walk in a mall and see guys next to their wives trying to get a second glance at a girl showing a bit of cleavage or wearing a short skirt. I am so happy I'm not in that boat anymore. Some men can go fly a kite. They're not worth the fuss.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): I was married for 8 years to a man that would look at any female with a pulse. On the day of my mothers funeral we were getting into the car to follow the hearse and he was staring at one of our neighbors. I could not even get his full attention then. In the end I began to think if he is so interested in them he should go and be with one of them. It really affected our relationship, he was charming and attentive to any female except me because he thought he already had me. We are divorced and I'm glad. I just could not be bothered again. I'm 44 and why would I want some middle aged letch looking at young women. No thanks. I will risk it on my own.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): I am now finally alone and truly happy. I broke up with my last boyfriend because he never wanted to take me out and be seen with me in public. The few times we were out together he was miserable the whole time and kept staring at other females. I'm enjoying my freedom now. I'm 37 years old. I have my whole life ahead of me. I refuse to be in a relationship ever again. I've come to realize all men are the same. Even though some women say there are a few good ones. Come on ladies. ALL MEN ARE THE SAME. They are always looking out for better. Once we bring their children into the world we are not good enough anymore. That is reality. Well guys, you men will finally get what you deserve. Remember, some day you will realize the worth of your wife or girlfriend when she is not there anymore. Ladies, you are worth more than this. Leave the man who looks at other females in your company. He will never change. They all cheat. They all look at porn. Chat to women on the internet. Check out anything on two legs. His LITTLE HEAD is ruling his BIG HEAD and always will. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): I recently went on a vacation with my boyfriend. He was ogling the waitresses, staring at the women in their bikini's on the beach or when they are lounging and checking out women at the restaurant while they are with their boyfriends or husbands which I find over the top. I'd wish these boyfriends or husbands would see that and clock him one. The ultimate humiliation was when he took pictures of women frolicking on the beach in their bikini's unbeknownst to them and butt shots too. He would say I'm going to take a walk up the beach a bit. Then he has his camera in hand. Yeah sure you are. It's creepy and I find it voyeristic. I personally think he is taking those pictures for his own porn stash. How brass can you be to do this with me right there and knowing I will see these pictures. Don't they know there will be a fallout or are they just that stupid.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): These comments have been of a tremendous help, thanks to all who have posted. I never thought this would happen to me but am now smack in the middle of this madness. My soon to be ex-boyfriend has a problem that is so full blown I can't go anywhere with him anymore. He makes a fool of me and our relationship. But recently, he bragged about being hit on by a 17 year old girl. That's sick and so wrong. The first time I discovered this starring, he was eyeing and flirting with a girl over my shoulder at dinner. The girl was with a date but was loving the attention from my guy. She must have felt very flattered - at my expense. Her date seemed uncomfortable too. I got up and went to the bathroom to cry for over 20 minutes. We were on vacation, I couldn't go home! My boyfriend got the hint, stopped for a few months but now it's back like a vengeance. It has less to do with the girls and more about him because he looks for validation in all women. He acts like he's some sort of 'wanted man' or wants to believe he is. Is it necessary? Not if you HAVE a girlfriend. I can't believe he turned out like this. The other night he actually name dropped his own name in front of an attractive girl, who was also with a date. He just had to make sure she knows where to find him if she's interested. Wow. He seems to honestly believe that he can do that, like I won't notice. Cheating is next. You don't do these things unless you are 'soliciting' and eye contact is the first hint of flirting. The stories here resemble strikingly similar details, almost like this is a disease. It has ruined what could have been a perfectly great relationship. But I refuse to be treated this way and it has already caused me enough pain. We are taught not to stare at people, because it's not nice it is rude. Right? If a stranger stares at us too long we usually comment that it is creepy and weird. So the guys who think it's natural? Read on....
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): I'm engaged to a man that blantantly stares at women. He has to check out every woman in the room in a restaurant or a woman that walks in front of him, look her up and down, and will sometimes even flirt, even start a conversation with a waitress, ask for directions so that she will come closer to him and have to lean in over a map and he knows where this place is, he doesn't need directions. I mean, it gets really really bad at times. It's like he is always on the prowl. I ask myself, why does he want to get married if he is behaving like this in public. Then I have to ask myself why am I allowing myself to be hurt so much. I am purposely starting to avoid going places with him since I know what the end result will always be. Many times I have sat there in silence across from him in a restaurant while this shit is happening and underneath the table I am twisting that engagement ring around and around my finger. Pretty soon I know I will hand the ring back to him. I can't deal with the emotional turmoil much longer and I certainly don't want to have to deal with this behavior during the course of a marriage. I don't want to hurt anymore and the only way I know to stop the hurt is to break it off.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): I smiled when I read what the writer wrote on October 17, 2010 and how her boyfriend thinks he is good looking. My boyfriend thinks he is some kind of Casanova too. My friends have said that he is not particularly attractive looking and that I could do a whole lot better than that. Surprisingly, a past girlfriend of his was very attractive so I did not know what the draw was other than his job position and the money he makes. He continues to send out signals to other women by gawking at them, not once but up to several times with me standing or sitting beside him. Those women know it too since he makes it so obvious. I've told him to stop and that it hurts me, but he continues on in this vein with total disregard for my feelings. I doubt that we will be together much longer. My friends advice is correct and they said they would have walked away a long time ago and that I have given him way more chances to straighten up then they would have ever allowed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): I can sadly relate to this. I've been with guys and guys who do not do this. Through observation, I've noticed that the guys who naturally put their heads down when women pass by are the "good" ones. They're the ones who are the best guys to be in relationships with. It does not mean that they have low self-confidence but a sense of humility that I cannot explain. To me it's a nice guy quality that I find attractive.
If any women are in relationships currently deteriorating your heart and insides because of the pain, it is best to leave NO MATTER how much you love him. Some guy out there will treat you in the way you've always wanted. Just be patient... he'll come.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): Ladies ignore all the platitudes...I love you...You are beautiful...look at his actions. Actions DO speak louder than words. Staring at other women in front of you is just plain disrespectful and should not be tolerated. I cannot believe how brazen it can be. Kick him to the curb and find someone who will treat you kindly and properly and that is happy to be with you when you are out in public and not looking at the next piece that walks within their view. If a man loves you he changes his behavior to protect that relationship. To do otherwise suggests that he does not take you seriously. Some men are such idiots.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): I have to agree with so much of what is said and then more... if women who were the recipients of those stares, did not stare back or in some way stopped the stare, then the problem, would diminish to a degree, however, women, pride themselves in being desired. All women. My boyfriend sometimes stares and sometimes doesn't. The sometime staring seems to happen when there is a woman in the room, that he would instantaneously have sex with, if he weren't with me, but he is with me so why the stare? To feed his ego, his insecurity and to validate his own appearance and looks. However it is disrispectful. It is one thing to stare, to notice a beautiful or cute or appealing woman, even I do but it is wrong to continue looking at the same woman, over and over in the repeated course of an hour, making eye contact and establishing a sort of rapport, intimacy between the two of them, while you are at your side. I have done to him as he has done unto me. I also have pointed out the situations while it was happening. I have been called jealous and insecure, however we have had conversations about it and I have stated, there is no reason why i need to know the women you would sleep with if I weren't around, nor do they need to know, not at this point. They only need to know if I wasn't in your life, then stare all you want. I understand humans, stares and spent my life studying observing human behaviour. I know a stare of desire when I see one and I know a stare of reaffirmation when I see one and I know a notice of an appealing human being. It is wrong to stare. It just is. It is disrespectful to the person you are beside and i can tell you most men wouldn't and couldn't handle it if the reverse were true because after all they are much more insecure then us, it all comes down to the penis size, the muscles and well what more is there for them. Certainly a woman does not stare at a man's mind, as a man does not stare at a woman's mind but it is wrong. Overall wrong.... and if they say, that is who they are, it's also wrong. If you notice their body language changing, their tone of voice, they become more alpha to impress, there's nothing to do but laugh. When my boyfriend looks at other woman, I notice, I turn my head and I find the simplest way to distract my attention from him. I will get up, go to the bathroom, talk with others, smoke a cigarette, get fresh air, and blatantly make him realize that my attention is waning and I'm bored. And that he is indeed the one boring me with these childish games. If he continues to stare at one woman in an intimate environment, I wait until the coast is clear, and make a comment, or try to speak with him. I was recently at a birthday party where at the end of the evening one woman (with her boyfriend) who repeatedly kept staring at my man, and he at her and neither made an effort to stop it, stood before him and there was this three minutes of intensity that I basically almost said, you two need to have sex and get it over with...I was at that point. Now I should mention, it's not that my boyfriend isn't affectionate with me in these situations, or loving or caring at all, it's that he seeks approval in others and they in their insecurities and desire to be desired, give it to him. I believe the onus is on the woman to stop it. I do. I do not even stare at a man long enough if he is staring at me, to invite that kind of intensity, or repeated glare. I stop it and they can too. If they don't then there are serious problems, but you can't help them. It doesn't make you feel good but try to remember the insecure one is him, and should he be doing it long enough that it is uncomfortable, get up and walk out, go home, engage in a conversation with someone else, because sooner then not he will be at your side, begging for your attention because after all, he can't fulfill that one if he is not with you. If he repeatedly stares, and I've followed the eye gaze only to be told I take away his sense of freedom and liberty, to which i respond, well imagine how my freedom is being pulled, at knowing I cannot be all that I can be, while he is busy giving attention to someone else. But I find something, anything to think about and take my gaze and attention away from him. I will start shining in a room when I feel this, which this often has caused arguments because truth is they can't handle it, if it were to happen to them, if they thought their woman was being greater then them, stealing attention from them, in any way. I will notice something about the woman and I will say mantras to myself about who I am, what I am and I swear it, it takes away the insecurity and in fact gives me a sense of power because if he were to leave me or me him, i at least have a sense of who I am. I was once told if I continued to mention that he noticed other women, I would lose him to which I responded perhaps he may lose me by that very same behaviour. I then told him he was exaggerating as he went on a rant pointing out every moment his gaze went away from me. It was exaggerated and not at all what I was talking about. I am not talking about noticing, I am talking about invitations with your eyes, for women, to accept, while you are with another woman and if men think that we are so stupid not to notice it, they forget that we were subjects and are subjects of those exact stares they give and people don't have sex because they misinterpret stares. Relationships don't exist because people misinterpreted stares which invited conversation which led to relationships, evenings, one night stands. It is this that men forget. What you are doing, has been done to us, with us so try not to act so innocent, really. And the I wasn't staring or I was looking at how good her shoes were look on you, is a cop out because if that was the case, the comment would be, honey i love those shoes, they would look amazing on you, not the stare first to the discussion, to the fact that you were looking at her shoes. I have also tried staring at men however, I cannot. It makes me sick to my stomach that someone might actually return my stare, and to do it out of spite sickens me more. I am reaching the point of frustration and I often go out with him at night, wondering who will it be tonight. Sometimes it's nobody but then every once in a while there's that one and I think okay what does she have that he wants... so what I do, is I make sure I look pretty damn hot every time I go out so that other men ogle me! But I will rest assure you if he has a woman at his side, I'm the first person to tell him he's disgusting and it makes me sick that he's staring at me. Of course we can't control what happens when we are not around. However even us women if we go out with our girlfriends, are prey to attention and in fact, this is important. It is important to get other male attention other then your boyfriend, even if it's a glance, a smile, because it confirms our own appearances. Then when you return to your male and in that instance he is staring at that one girl, you have your little secret that gives you that little boost of confidence like Yeah okay well big deal, I also can get lots of attention and the best part is, I don't need to do it while I am with you. The truth is, it is unacceptable and I have had relationships where I haven't had this. I also have way too many guy friends to fail to understand gazes, desires, sexual stares, etc.... so yeah...sometimes ignorance is bliss. Follow the feeling in your gut, if it's making you feel bad, go home...and then if he continues doing it, I don't know if he's worth it. BEcause it's not sweetness, it's not respect, it's just downright dirty!!!!!! And to be honest, I'd rather be single soaking up the attention of many men, then suffering at the hands of one who makes me feel like I'm the second course!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): I am so happy to find that I am not alone, you and I do not need to be treated this way. I have been there... It is humiliating and it makes one feel ugly and un atractive. I am convinced that he is the one that is insecure and he is trying to attack your self esteem? This behavior in my opinion can be considered a form of emotional abuse. He is "manipulating" your feelings and behavior while humiliating you. Read up on domestic/dating violance/abuse.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): From the postings I have read on this topic, the mere act of a man "just looking", as in glancing at another woman, is really not the issue. The issue is what many women are experiencing, or have experienced in their relationships with men. Admiring, glancing, or even looking for a while at an attractive human being is one thing. The gawking, leering, undressing with the eyes, as well as with the body language is quite another. I've heard many versions of the "that's just how it is, they can't help it, goes back to the caveman days and the need to procreate and populate the world" drivel at one time or the other. I've usually heard it from other women. Of course, there's the, "A confident, assertive woman is not upset over this behavior" school of thought that, sadly, is now so popular with both men and women. I've seen women attempt to "roll with the punches" by adopting various soul-destroying methods such as: 1. Looking for "hot" women to point out to her man. 2. Going to every titty-bar in town and watching him get lapdances from whichever Miss T&A. 3. Women bracing themselves to be ignored and humiliated in public, while Mr.Phallic Symbol mentally has sex with every women that crosses his line of vision. Is it just me, or has anyone noticed that at least one half of the time the woman is at least attractive, if not down right gorgeous, and the man is either big and fat, or a sawed-off little runt that an 80 year old grandmother would reject? Many of you point out that what made you the maddest was that the woman/women that he was lusting after, ignoring you for, and so on, were, at best, mediocre in looks. After confronting their men, many women, at best, are talked to as one would talk to a slow-witted child. Example: "I don't ever want to hurt you because you're the one I really love. You're beautiful to me. I just glanced. I'm not gawking or leering, or wanting to have sex with them. I can't believe you think I ignored you." At worst, "If you had any self confidence in yourself as a woman it wouldn't bother you." Of course, the "You're crazy" is the old stand-by for most men. Ladies, I've had a few men in my day and not by a long shot have the majority of them acted this way. Nor would they have appreciated it if I did the female version and flirted shamelessly with other men. I promised myself when I was very young that I would never stay with any man, regardless of good looks, good sex, good bank account, or anything else, if he was what our ancestors called a guttersnipe. If a man is "putting it out there" (and that is precisely what he is doing if he exhibits this type of behaviour) then kick him to the curb. We all deserve better and can get better! Do not let anyone tell you differently.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): I say you have to repeatedly train your man not to look, and do not think this is going to come easy. This is a serious problem, and by the looks of the comments which have kept me busy for a few hours now.
There are only a six options that I see:
1) The best way is 'monkey see, monkey do!' So why not take a leaf out of his book and do the same. See how quick he learns than.
2) If number one fails, hit him over the head
3) If that fails embarress him!
4) Distract his thoughts everytime you walk past a chick that his staring at by saying something right out of the blew, like "I'm pregnant"!
5) Put your feelings of hurt aside, and put up with it.
6) Leave him and start over the steps as they all need training, if its not you who is training him, someone before you has left him and that has trained him.
Personally my man does not do this in my presence, he has already been trained, and instead if some hot chick walks past that he notices, he will turn to me to talk, some of the time he doesn't even notice the chick with the wobblying breast jumping out of her top as she is jogging past staring at him, wondering why isn't he looking at me me me me me me. Such a scank, and this is why we get hurt, the chick that damands him stare at her. Maybe too the only reason my man doesn't stare while with me is because he gets hundreds of women, damaning the stare every single weekend while he is at work, and these women are clubbing, so they are not only wearing berely anything at all they are also some what drunk and out to take what ever they can get.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): It's such a shame that men have to be so animalistic, women are equally have desires but once in a relationship they are less likely to stare at other men if they are happy. My current boyfriend is like the perfect bf and everyone says that to me and him. But only I know about his staring problem. I have been in situations when we are out having dinner and I am talking and his eyes keep glancing at the table behind as there is a woman there with a pretty face or big boobs. When I follow his gaze to see what he is looking at it's usually some other bit of skirt. The sad thing that really hurts is that I was a confident, beautiful and smart woman and recently I don't feel that way. People always say to him that I'm way out of his league and I think sometimes he does all this to make me insecure and knock my confidence. When I confront him there is usually an argument, he shouts at me and then says that he trusts me and that he doesn't look at anyone. He says it must be my misunderstanding. I'm a smart woman and I read people well and I know that is not the case. He used to make comments before and say why are all the pretty girls with ugly looking guys and then stare at such a girl blatantly infront of me. Or he'd even say, those shorts are really short or comment about some skimpy outfit of another woman just so that he could stare abit more in my company. The sad thing is whenever we talk or argue about it, I'm made to feel guilty, crazy and jealous that it's eating me up now. I think he is succeeding at making me lose my confidence to make him feel good about him. But I think I want out now... Just not sure I will meet a man who has that basic courtesy to not stare when he is out with his girlfriend te woman he is supposed to love. Thanks so much to everyone, I thought I was actually going crazy until I came across the pain of so many other women.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): My boyfriend of 3 years is always searching for something more it feels like. It kills me inside because he lies about it or starts yelling at me like its my fault he does it. I've been told I'm attractive by many men & wouldn't have a problem with finding another man. I just love my boyfriend so much, but I don't know where to draw the line for it to stop. He looks at "hot babes" & "milts" all porn all the time on the computer. He tries to delete it but forgets sometimes & when I go to use the computer thats what I see. Its not fair to me & I don't understand way men can be so blind & inconsiderate. A woman can only take so much before time is up & she moves on. If anyone has any advice that would be awesome.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): I have been married for 15 years and from day one I caught my husband ogling as well as flirting with women right in my face. He commented on one woman's dimples and she blushed, he did that right in front of me. He also looked up a woman's dress as we were walking by her, and this happened when we were dating. I have ignored it for years, but it gets worse, he calls me names that are very hurtful after we argue. The arguments derive from him not wanting to have sex with me, so he gets upset when I ask. I constantly tell him to stop looking at these women and he laughs and tells me to stop being so insecure. I feel terrible to a point where I do not feel attractive anymore , although men stare at me all the time when I'm with or without him. I am attractive on the outside but feel ugly on the inside. How he treats me and disregards my feelings has tore me up on the inside and , now I realize the only way to get my old happy, confident self back is to leave him, so , this I will do. By the way, he's 11 years older than I, and I was , or at least I thought I was his eye candy. I constantly dress up for him, I workout, I do everything I can and he returns the favor by hurting my feelings, ignoring me, and calling me crazy. Everytime I let him know that I saw him ogling a woman or I know he was flirting, he says that I'm either crazy or insecure. I'm getting tired of this (35 years old), and I want out, so, yes, I'm getting myself out of this situation before I really do go insane.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): Many here have written that their boyfriends are sweet and caring. A sweet and caring boyfriend "does not" ogle other women in your presence. That is not a good boyfriend. It's insulting to our intelligence and not only that but I question why we went out with you in the first place or continue to do so.
I do owe a big thank you to all the men that do ogle other women when they are out with their dates. I felt so bad about myself, having once felt great, that I went and had a complete makeover. While you guys are busy being "distracted", the woman that chose to be with you for whatever reason, maybe very well be emotionally distancing herself from you, getting herself made over and by the time you do take notice of her, she is long gone and with someone else that will treat her better. Then you can sit their on the couch eating popcorn by yourself and watching your so called movies and wonder what the heck went wrong. Ogling other women is not acceptable and is a huge breach of trust and disrespect so you "boys" better "wise up" and treat the one you are with, with some respect which is due them. It's obvious you were not taught proper manners by your parents. Otherwise, get use to having a revolving door of short lived relationships if that is what you are truly after.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): Hi. I have the same problem....my boyfriend is 3 years younger than me.....when I met him he was a inmature guy...he was only 17 and I was 20.... he used to look at a lot of porn and girls in the street...I dont know if it is my problem or not...but it really bothers me when he looks at someone else..when he is with me...I hate it so much and it hurts so much too.... the other day I read a conversation he had with his best friend about school girls....my boyfriend quoted....IF A SCHOOLGIRLS JUMPS ON ME I DONT THINK ILL BE ABLE TO GET AWAY.......I Confronted him about it and he said it was a joke....the problem is that hes allways thinking aout school girls...and i had cought him looking at them in the street also....my boyfriend did horrible things to e when we started dating....i got bored of al those things ended the relationship....like a month later he came back saying that he loves me and that he was so sorry and stupid and inmature.....we started the relationship again....and Im sure he totally change and hes a serious guy now....he really takes care of me and loves me..he has improve so much.....he doesnt look at other girls when hes with me....and he loves me even though Im not that pretty or skinny or blond with blue eyes....i do apreciate that so much....but it is difficult to get used to that kind of stuff...i still dont like it when i see my boyfriend talking to his friend about schoolgirls or skinny girls etc...i think all those things have a lot to do with our self-esteem but I also think it is very disrespecful for a man to do something like that when he has a girlfriend....I dont think thats natural..xPand I also blame girls that dress like total bitches!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): I am going through exactly the same thing... I have tried ending things numerous times in the past few months but my boyf always persuades me that he can't live without me and that I'm the only girl for him. How can that be true? Because we've argued about it, he's making more of an effort not to look now but that's almost worse when I see that even with effort he can't help himself. I try to rationalise it afterwards but it doesn't change the fact that when it's happening it causes me actual pain and I completely shrink into myself. My confidence is in tatters, the more I think about it the more I'm sure I need to finish things but I don't know whether I'll be able to break the habit of waiting for it to happen with a new guy and paying such ridiculous attention to where the eyes of any guy I end up with are roaming... it's like he's ruined things on a permanent basis by behaving like this. Can't carry on though cause I am making excuses not to go anywhere in public with him, that can't be right?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2010): My boyfriend does this too, he even goes as far as to make comments about the girls butt and points it out to me. I tell him that it bothers me alot and makes me feel a bit inadequate since it is a frequent thing. Then he has the nerve to say he doesn't want to hear me complaining and get's mad at me. I also told him that I know he's going to look no matter what, but I'm just asking him to tone it down and make less comments. I mean, every freakin girl he sees he has to look at. Seriously, he tells me he loves me and that I'm beautiful and whatnot, and calls me jealous when I say this stuff. I really care about him, but putting up with this is ridiculous. He said he'd rather be alone than put up will all my drama, like that came out of nowhere. So I told him, then next time I see him if he wants to break up then to just do it. He got upset and told me to stop saying that, even though he threatens to leave me when we fight, he always wants me to come back to him. I really do love him, and I know he does love me, I just don't know how much. And I feel like this is really starting to get to me. I don't know if it's because he thinks I'm more attractive then him, but I doubt it since he always says he can get all the girls which is a bunch of crap because none of my female friends think he's even remotely attractive. Most people I talk to don't actually. :/ I'm not saying he's ugly, but he acts like he's the best thing in the world sometimes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): I broke up with my boyfriend for doing this. I asked him on several occasions not to do this in front of me, but he didn't stop, so I broke it off with him. No apologies on his end either even after he confessed to doing it. What a jerk! Like most of the other ladies on here can relate, he told me I was insecure -- this was my problem and not his. Well, this incredibly insecure lady told him where to shove it and jumped right back into the dating scene again. I'm happy to report I have a great new man in my life who is respectful of me and treasures me. It feels good not to have to go out and pretend you don't know that your boyfriend is ogling other women while you are with him. Leave those guys, ladies. The sick feeling in your stomach never goes away until he is out of your life. Don't sell yourself short. We are worth more!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): To the woman who responded on October 6, 2010:
I totally relate to your feelings. I too have re-lived the many incidents over and over in my head, and simmered with anger. He never apologized for and he never owned up to any of the incidents. He only evaded the conversations about them or said I have an overactive imagination. So, I presented him with detailed facts, and facts only, about the incident. So, he accused me of being a lawyer instead of commenting on the facts. Here's one of many facts. He got excited over another woman, my sister, and he asked me if she likes the same kind of men I do, with a giddy smirk on his face. When I confronted him with this fact, he would not respond. My sister is very hot, and if he had a bit of a crush, he should have just kept it to himself. He did get over his crush when he figured out some things about her. She way too high-class for him.
Anyways, the point I want to make to ALL you women who are simmering: BE CAREFUL. You are damaging yourself. I damaged myself with my anger. My bf's ex-wife is currently a very angry and messed up, (supposedly bi-polar), woman. Year's ago, long before I dated him, I heard she was an extremely jealous woman. Well, now I know the 'other' side, and can't help but wonder if his crazy-making behavior had a lot to do with her current state. That's why I say be CAREFUL. These kind of men could make you appear to be a jealous angry bitch. Whether you stay or leave, (and hopefully if he continues his behavior you'll leave), don't let him have this power over you. Don't let him make you look like the fool. Go ahead and feel the pain his ogling has caused you, but then realize that it is his problem. Don't make it yours. If he keeps it up, leave and let go of him. Learn how to forgive, but don't be the fool.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010): It really is like a video that replays in your head over and over again like one lady wrote. I can recall every instance of his roving eye of where and who he was ogling. He is wonderful when we are alone, but as soon as we go into the outside world together he starts looking women up and down and even to the point of lingering at a place, lets say over coffee, having another cup so he can continue to look at a woman or try and get her attention in some manner. Even his body language will change and become relaxed and open as in trying to say to this other woman, over here, here I am and hoping she will notice him. It is very rude and disrespectful. I need to grow a backbone and just get up and leave instead of simmering with anger. Too much of my time and energy is being wasted having to endure these public episodes of immaturity. It really is not worth the stress anymore and I need to break if off with him. It is better to be single and happy than stay in a relationship and be miserable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): I don't believe all relationships have this 'ogling' issue. I have been in about 10 relationships, some longer lived and some short-lived. Out of those ~10, it was only in my last relationship that I've experienced this horrible ogling/flirting issue. Perhaps, the other guys glanced and I didn't notice. But, with this guy, it was blatant, and it hurt! After an argument about it, when we calmed down, I said "Hey, if you want to date other women, let me know, and I'll walk." He assured me he didn't want to date other women. But seriously, it was very frustrating to be in a relationship with a guy you want to grow old with, and from all appearances, he's trolling for something better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): I think all relationships go through this, and trust me, I feel the same way. My boyfriend is really sweet and caring. I don't miss one time where he looks at a girl. When I confront him, he lies to me and just won't admit it. It hurts a lot, even in my chest. I feel like I've been dealing with this problem for awhile and it's getting to the point where I'm questioning if I should be in any relationship at all.
But to be honest, there's nothing you can do about it. I've told my boyfriend so many times and he still seems to do it. It's almost natural for guys to do that. It's sucks, but it's true. Have you told him that you're not comfortable with it? I think if he really loves you, then he'll try to stop. If not, then I'm not sure.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2010): In response to actually being "oggled" by a man whom is with another girl. I will ignore him and I will begin to make converstation with the girl! Try it! When I was younger I of course soaked up any attention from a guy. Now that my brain is fully developed and I have a sound sense of who I am and what I'm worth, I will never let another girl feel like that in my presence. At the very least, at least SHE will know that there are some decent women in the world - because honestly that's half the problem right? Sometimes these women just soak it up! They play into it. Which just makes the situation even more disgusting. I try so hard not to do that to females. It seems that a lot of the time I don't get the same resepct, but screw it. I'm not going to stop being a good person just because some idiot in the past has scarred me with the exact same situation. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth just doesn't help ANYONE in the grand scheme of things. If anything it gives me the chance to be a bigger person and maybe this girl won't go home feeling so completely worhtless. Let's face it ladies, a lot of us have been there and know how it feels~! Why would we want to put that onto another female? I think us females need to help eachother out a little bit in that aspect. And then! The best part! The man, whom is wrong in the first place, feels like a jerk :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2010): I'm 24, good looking, and successful with a teaching degree. Yet I have found only a few men who will not do this to me. That tells me that it is not their "nature" but a personal trait and choice. My current situation with a man is killing me. I literally cannot go anywhere without this guy doing this to me. Particularly darker skinned, darker haired women. When I've brought it up, I've been told that I'm jealous and that I make things up. BS. I'm a smart girl. The absolute worst though, is that he has called me insecure and made me believe I am so. It's almost led to a competetion of me trying to prove how "secure" I am by allowing it to happen while simmering inside. I've left social events without saying goodbye to anyone, I've told him numerous times with no consolation, and it's never gotten better. Or well, I guess it has. He's not stealing my friends' numbers off my phone and texting them after only meeting them once. He's a much older guy, by about a decade and I know he means well, but I also know he has little to no respect for me and these situations prove this. My advice, LADIES!, is get out before it's a year later and you feel so down on yourself you believe that noone else will have you!
I've decided I'm not going to settle and truly, I don't think anyone of us should for somebody that constantly makes us feel not good enough! I'm not a fool. There are pretty girls in the world and looking is one thing, but drooling and acting like a prepubescent boy is just flat out disrespect and disregard for your feelings. could you imagine if half the ladies in the world didn't put up with this? Most men would probably stop doing it.... Just a thought.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2010): During that moment, suspended in time, as they gawk at other women, you feel disconnected, neglected and very much alone...you are with someone but feel alone. That is not a healthy relationship to be in when those feelings accure. Go with your instincts, they are rarely wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): I call it trolling for women. But, when it is done right in front of you it makes you feel that you are not good enough for him and that their is something missing in the relationship, that I am the one lacking something, that I am not special enough to be treated with respect. You can see it in their eyes when they look at other women wondering what she would be like to be with. I even considered plastic surgery. When I am out and about by myself I have gotten to the point where when I see a pretty woman I will think oh, he will for certain look at her. If I am at a restaurant alone I will notice the pretty waitresses and know for sure that if I went with him to that establishment our dinner out would be ruined because he would be ogling the waitresses or some random women patrons. So I then avoid suggesting going to those places. It's all really sick when you see how much of an affect it has on the other person and they fail to realize how psychologically damaging it is. It's like they would rather risk losing a warm loving person with this gawking, drooling and disrepectful behavior which is really adolescent and immature. It is really sad and I feel for everyone having to endure this, but really you have a choice and don't need to put up with it. Ultimately it is your decision if you want to stay with a man that does this. There has to be some decent men out there that will treat you like the lady that you deserve to be treated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2010): To the lady that says she dresses up for her boyfriend and wears make up at home to try and get some of his attention, I say this...I have done the same thing and have even worn make up to bed. I work out incessantly to keep in top shape. I wear skimpy clothes when we go out, because there will always be a girl somewhere looking hot and his eyes are bound to travel to that girl. But, guess what, and you will reach this point, I am getting tired of the charade. I can't keep this up forever and I am about ready to throw up my hands in the air and just plain give up. When he eyes girls on the beach and I see it happening, I leave the scene and just go for a long walk --alone. I don't want to see or be around that behavior when he does this. What is happening ladies is that we are looking like fools and being treated as such. Take your anger and go with it. Let it flow out. Don't sit there and smile and pretend everything is okay, when it "isn't." Don't look the other way. Face it head on while it is happening right in front of you and let him know you know what he is doing. Tell him he must not value this relationship and then get up and leave. You don't need to sit there and simmer. You deserve better treatment than that. Tell him he is perving if he looks at way younger women or he is being a pervert. If he is eyeing them up and down which should be a deal breaker anyway and especially if it is your relatives, lets say a younger cousin, sister or even second cousins--that crosses the line when it comes to family. Let your anger be your guide. I do believe the wandering eye is a form of abuse and it should not be tolerated. If people don't view it as a form of abuse, then I guess the womans liberation movement has failed to reach a segment of our population which is a tragedy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2010): I am so, so glad that I am not alone in the world! I am considering ending a 14 year relationship. I am a happy, attractive woman but my other half is always eyeing up other women. It completely tears my heart and soul out :( I am not jealous just really sad...it has even made me anxious. Most peole speculate what their boyfriends think/do but mine has actually told me!! I must say though we have NEVER cheated on each other, though I think the ogling is basically as bad!? He say that I am his world, and that he would die for me, but out and about he can become quite cold and distant and and when he eyes up (specifically blondes, dont have to be good looking! lol) it tears me up. I feel like this is the behaviour of someone who still hasn't found what they are looking for?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): I really don't understand why we tolerate this behavior from men in the first place. Give me one good reason why we should be subjected to that behavior, guys, I mean "boys" from you? It is publicly humiliating and disrespectful to the person you are with. It makes you appear to be available to other women which is probably what you really want or it may be low self esteem in that you need the attention of other women to bolster yourself up. All I know is if I get to the point where I am dreading going out in public with you for that very reason, then the relationship is as good as over. It makes you want to do less and less for your boyfriend, fiance, spouse. I find myself not wanting to help around the house or go out of my way to do things for my now current fiance just because of those actions and that is the very reason I am being slow on deciding if I want to go through with this marriage. I mean really, do I want to put up with that in public everytime we go somewhere. I beg to differ. I do know a leopard doesn't change its spots. I've tried talking to him about the gazing, but they aren't going to change. So women, evaluate if he is good enough to stay with or dump him. Also, do things for yourself to make yourself feel better. Hit the gym, run an extra mile, get pampered, go the spa, do your hair, get new clothes. Whatever it takes to feel good about yourself. Do this for yourself and not for him. You are all worth it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): I think Bev Conolly has a point. Still, how do I get rid of that sick, sinking of the stomach feeling. It hurts so much sometimes to have boyfriend look at women when it is not just a glance. I understand that if I am not there he will look, but when I'm there have some respect; remember I'm with you....
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2010): I had the same probelm too and I hated it. It hurt me to think that I am not beautiful enough for me and I don't want to hear that it's just guy's nature it isn't. They are just letting their hormones control them. There are guys who aren't like that and I was lucky to have a boyfriend who isn't. When he used to stare at a pretty girl I would say, "So she's beautfiul right... and he would say yes. So I would say ok then I will be sure to tell her that my bf is checking her out and I would walk up to the girl and he would yell no. Or we would be watching a movie and trashy celebrity or something would be on and I would see him look at her and I would say ok let me tell your mom that you love to check out slutts right next to me or I would just comment on guys right in front of him by saying wow hes sexy and hot and has an amazing chest. Eventually my bf quit staring or checking out girls and had eyes thoughts dreams and everything about me. Sure he would say shes beautiful but thats all he would think of her nothing else he was focused on me so it is POSSIBLE MAlES.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): I just want to say THANK YOU SO MUCH to everybody who has posted here! I have been suffering with my boyfriend ogling for about a year now. It tears my heart out every time. When I had first met him I had no idea what ogling was. I went through some terrible emotions and was very confused because I didn't understand what was happening, whether I was over-reacting to his strange behavior... Blogs like these really helped me restore my self-confidence and help me realise that I was not alone!!! It made me feel more sane, since unless people have experienced this for themselves, they tend to not really understand where you are coming from. (the typical situation with my friends :() THANK YOU!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): maybe us girls should really think about staring at other women as well and think about dating a woman instead cuz I know what this is like and da** if u can't beat em join em. lol... no really would it be so bad if all the women who are disrespected all the time and hurt all the time from men ooggling whether they be sweet and kind or a dirty pig it makes no difference because it destroys a trusting respectful relationship. Why are women always called insecure b/c they don't ignore it and bury their emotions and live in denial like men always do?!?! What if all women who were hurt in this way more than once by more than one man decided to forget about men. They suck cuz they often make a beautiful self confident woman like myself sad all the time.
If we all forgot about men and became lesbian or asexual then the men could be the ones who could be sad and hurt and we could tell them that they lacked self confidence!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): I finally ended a 13-year on and off relationship with the man I was planning on marrying and having a family with in large part due to his unwillingness to take me seriously when I told him that his interaction with other women hurt me. I told me that each incident of him turning his head or making eye contact or looking at somebodys body up and down (it could be a manniken or someone on the tv screen), it would be like he was squeezing my heart and that he was killing my love for him every time he did it, that I could not forget these incidents, and that they were filed, like videos, in my mind. Yet, he just went on with his addiction. it has nothing to do with beautiful women. it could be women a certain age. it's like he senses women who need his attention. i see lots of beautiful women of all ages, maybe mothers with children, but as long as they're not asking for his attention, he doesn't even see them. I am the only woman he has ever loved, he has been faithful to me for 13 years, before me, he was just all over the place doing what he calls casual dating (I think this meant he liked what he saw, slept with it, the girls wanted relationships, he backed off), and although he is a very kind and caring person, he is not critical of this kind of behavior. I think it's mostly mindlessness. But the bottom line is I have to be happy. the point of having a man is not only to be able to connect and have a family, but also to feel special. i have a ph.d. in literature, am a cross country runner, very active, decent looking, cultured...and fun, but his staring problem is like a drug addiction and obviously it is so important to him that he'd rather lose me than stop doing that. I got him to see a good psychoanalyst, but then he says he doesn't have any problems and doesn't need help. so what can you do? i figure if it makes me feel so terrible, I have to look out for myself, even if it means being alone and losing what we could have had. the thing is it takes two people who listen and try to understand each other. if you don't have this, it won't work. I think any healthy man would slowly change his behavior if he loved a woman and the woman explained to him how his behavior was effecting her. but if he denies it and blames it on you, then i don't think there is much you can do.
here is something that I think is very important. i think many of us use our eyes to see if a guy likes us and we feel good when he is looking at us. this may be how we get ourselves in a mess to begin with. i met my boyfriend when I was 21 and all over the place, looking to seduce and be seduced. so it makes sense that he chose me and I him. but i have developed and changed, and no longer get a high from the attention men give me. now i ask "what's his deal?" when a guy approaches me, I wonder where's his wife? why's he so friendly? and I simply assume that he is that way to everyone else. if you want a serious boyfriend, i would say don't dress in an eye-catching way and don't go for the one who keeps looking at you, because he will probably be looking at others and giving you a lot to deal with. it's best you go for someone that you have a different kind of connection with. and i would say it's not good to meet anyone at a bar or a club. I think, overall, with the media and television, and with the kinds of cities with live in now, it's hard to find decent guys. it's true, though, it takes two to tango, and the women who conspire with these men are also to blame for the problem. But the thing to do is to pick someone who is self-aware enough to not play such games. I don't know if there are many such people out there though. I see most people just settle with men, they figure that's the best they can do and they don't want to risk being single their whole lives.
Best Wishes for everyone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): To the male reader on August 2 2010: The women that stare are far and few between. And you are right, there aren't much in the way of men to look at. That makes it a little more difficult to give one's boyfriend a taste of his own perverted medicine. It was not revenge I wanted. It was understanding I wanted. If he knew what it felt like, he may be less apt to do it.
You think these women are complaining about a man you just glances at a woman? No. Let me give you a few examples from personal experience.
1. My bf of 49 stared at an attractive 42-ish year old women as I was sitting next to him. The action was to the right and his eyes were directed to the left. He thought he covering up his staring/ogling, but it was apparent. The slight grin on his lips also was displayed in his smiling eyes. I took one look at him and he didn't even notice I was looking. He was in the middle of his lusty fantasy. He stared (ogled, lusted) at that woman for a good minute. I never said anything about this incident. This is the sort of thing women are talking about. They are not complaining just because a man happens to notice an attractive woman.
Did he fantasize about every woman he stared at? No, not necessarily. Sometimes he just wanted to downright flirt with them, of course, when I'm right by his side.
2. A pretty woman at his company party was flirtatiously teasing my bf, and he was just putty in her hands. I tried to gently pull him back to earth, and he got irritated with me. He was having a moment with that pretty woman and how dare I interrupt. The woman sitting to the right of me wanted to slap his face for me. She did not, she just shook her head and bit her tongue. I never spoke of this incident to him. He doesn't know that he treated me like chopped liver on that evening. (Also, by the look on his face, I gathered that woman's date (probably her husband) didn't find the scene very pleasant either.)
3. He was attracted to another woman and in an indirect way, asked me if she would be attracted to him. He had a giddy smirk on his face, thinking that she just might be attracted to him. He asked me if she liked the same kind of men I like. How clever is that? Does he think I'm that stupid? What I was, was in shock. I couldn't even respond.
Later, I think he redirected his attraction to my slightly homely neighbor, who had recently moved into the in-law room of the house across the street. I knew he wasn't attracted to her. So, I think he must have felt he could tease/flirt with this woman and be safe. He tried to pass off his flirting as being friendly. She was flattered by his attention and responded in kind. I had previously attempted to make a friendly contact with her, you know say "hello" and introduce myself. I thought she was shy because she did not even look at me as I approached. So, I didn't continue. But a week later, she's introducing herself to my bf in my back yard. I had just gone into the house to shower after we worked on our vegetable garden, and that's when she made her move. I knew she wasn't his type and I knew he wasn't attracted to her. I also knew that she had responded to his excitement over her, so I blamed him mostly. What gripes me most, is that she started peeping in the windows of my home in attempts to flirt with my bf. This is my home. It's bad enough when it's out in the world, but I don't want this in my home. Sad thing, this woman goes to church every Sunday. What a hypocrite. I wish she would move.
4. At an event we attended about once a week, my bf kept staring at another women. This other woman was aware an flattered by it. He'd be looking back in the bleachers, and I'd follow his eyes and they were on that same woman again. I saw her grinning when I looked back. I noticed this woman started to change up her dress a bit. Instead of flat tennis shoes, loose-fit jeans, and a t-shirt, she started wearing new tight-fit jeans, 3-4 inch heels, and a pretty blouse. There's more to this story, but I won't go into it. The point is his repeated staring got her attention.
5. He saw an attractive flag woman (road construction) when we were on vacation. He got excited and smiled and waved to her real cutely. She busted up laughing. Men probably flirt with her all the time, but they probably don't have his style. He was like a little excited boy in a candy shop. Then she noticed me, and she saw hurt in my eyes. About a mile further down the road there was another flag woman, and she was okay looking. He didn't give her a 2nd glance, and certainly not that giddy wave he gave to the first woman.
When we completed the loop around the lake, I told him to take a right turn and go ask the attractive woman for her phone number. After all, he was f'ing flirting with her. He lied and tried to tell me she waved at him first. I saw her the whole time, and she did not wave at all.
6. Etc. etc. etc. too many incidents of varying degrees of him blatantly staring at another woman.
He called me insecure. BS! An insecure woman is one who needs to get fake boobs, platinum blond hair, and a year-round suntan. An insecure women needs men to lust after her. I'm none of that. The problem is that he is insecure and lacks decency and self-control. He needed the ego-boost that flirting gave him. Me, I was just angry. Why did he have to destroy what could have been a very long term, compatible, and fulfilling relationship with his shallow and disrespectful behavior?
So, Mr. Male: You're full of doggy doo-doo.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2010): I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years on and off, I have read all the comments below and want to tell you about my experiences. But before I do I want to make a comment on the person who made the analogy of looking at other cars and houses even tho you have your own......you are talking crap, we are talking about womens feelings here, you are doubtless a bloke. My boyfriend is lovely, caring sensitive etc out of the two of us I am the better looking one but he thinks he is georgeous when in fact he is very plain, and I think a lot of men live in this fantasy. Anyway he is incredible with the staring thing, he stares and stares and stares, at first I tried to ignore it but it was getting worse and worse, everywhere we went he seemed to need to search someone out to stare at, in some cases I would call it perving. They could be older younger small tall thin fat blonde dark he doesnt discrimiate :) I had all the same emotions as you all, and if we were going out for a meal I would lose my appetite because I was sick to my stomach. The good news is for me that he has diminished the love that I had for him, I did love him loads and I think that this made him feel so good,confident and attractive. I told him I wouldnt take it anymore and we had a big bust up. Now every time he does it (which isnt often)I make a big deal out of it ruining the day, even if he glances at a woman for one second too long I raise it, my philosophy is why should I be left with the knot inside, he creates the situation, therefore he should have the pain. I dont care if he gets fed up of my confrontations, I don't care if he leaves me I just won't put up with it anymore. I wont accept any excuses, if he is making me feel bad then I need to return it to him. The latest episode was when we were out walking a couple of days ago, he stared and smiled at a woman, I confronted him straight away and he made up some crap excuse, I then refused to hold his hand told him to take me home refused to discuss it and then made him go home. As far as I was concerned the day was ruined and I wouldnt carry on pretending that all was ok like some sort of brave saint. I didnt call him or text him and after a while he called me, but I am not done with him yet girls, I am due to see him today and well...........I will let you know what I get up to. If you are starting to feel sorry for my man remember this is the guy who perved on a womans backside for a good hour on holiday I am talking continuous staring behind dark sunglasses, and then when her husband came back my man turned to me and said he was feelng horny and asked for sex! Look it doesnt matter how lovely you are to him, how gorgeous you are, it is like a game to them and you need to spoil their party. Lets not make excuses for him saying they can't help it, thats just justifying what they do. However if you are worried about losing him then you are in a difficult situation. I used to be there and its a bad place, my advice is just make yourself feel as good about yourself as you can, do whatever you can i.e. lose a few pounds, get your hair done, self tan, the gym, see your friends, a new dress, whatever, but remember your doing it for YOURSELF, and not for him. If you are feeling stronger and you are a bit evil like me then make him suffer :) I will be back xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): When a woman is in a relationship she doesn't feel the need to look at other men. Because she feels like she's got it all in her man. But why dont men feel that way??!! Why are they not satisfied with just one woman?
I hate it when my boyfriend acts innocent when I am looking but ogles the minute my back's turned towards him. That is just very hurtful. Do they have no self respect?
What's their intention when they stare? Ogling can never be called "NATURAL"! Thats some BS men come up with as an excuse!!!
"Oh darling.. I wasn't looking at her. You see.. my body has no self control. Its just a machine made of LUST!"
I am a very good-looking woman and had men running after me all these years. Then comes along my boyfriend, who ends up making me feel ugly and insignificant, with his behavior.
I'm not gonna let this happen and will dump his sorry a** the next time he ogles!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): Girls, that really doesn't matter. You like cars you look at cars passing... you like buildings, paintings... you just look at them. I like girls so I do look at them when one passes by, sure if I am with another woman I just happen to take a glance... for respect but I see it... as well as I notice a very cute guy that passes by, and you do to woman... so why?
Tell you why... on a group of let's say 100 woman... there's probably 30 wonderful 30 cute and other 30 that dress up like skanks (short skirts or pants up to their bottom, or tiny shirts with their boobs half out)... I don't stare its rude (i agree) but my eye falls there for a half second...
In a group of 100 men... how many of these offer something to see? I can say a few... with perfect chest or maybe very little skin to see... legs? well... I don't think there's many women attracted to hairy legs...
stop being such hypocrites when you see a fine guy... you look at him... he does too... if there's more women to see that's not our fault...
also, if your guy stares doesn't mean he's going to cheat... long time ago I was in a relationship and I wouldn't see any other woman... and bum... I cheated one night... Right now I see a woman I glance... but 20 seconds later I don't even remember what she did look like...
women... grow up from your little stupid scheme "MAN ARE LIKE THIS"... you are as well... but too hypocrite to admit it...
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reader, UL_zauvek  +, writes (2 August 2010):
Im so sick and tired of all these women (AND men) saying that it is perfectly normal... its totally okay... everyone does it... THAT IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT. Women, do not listen to the crap that its just in a mans nature do stare. I have been with both men who are not like that and IM sad to say that Im in a relationship right now with a man who is a complete perv. We have been together for 2 years now and this didnt start to happen untill about a yr into the relationship. I guess he got really comfortable and started to look around, which really bothered me. IT bothered me so much that I would start to put on makeup around the house, even when we were living together, I TRIED everything to make him think i was beautifull. When we would go out clubbing, i took hours getting ready because I wanted to despretly for him to notice only me and keep his eyes on me,that was not the case... I would often get home and cry and finally I had enough and told him how it was making me feel. Ofcourse he denied everything left and right and made me feel like i am paranoid and insecure. After fighting back and forth about this for months i decided to play his own game and make him realize how I was feeling so every chance I got, when a good looking guy would pass I would stare at him and make eye connection... GETTING A TASTE OF HIS OWN MEDICINE WAS SO SWEEET. He would start flipping out just as I had and it made me laugh inside. I wanted to hurt him the way he had hurt me. For a while after that he did stop... but like a drug addict he relapsed back whens summer rolled around and all the sluts came out in their underwear.. RHMM i mean shorts..... ? shorts really? No one wants to see your flopping ass cheaks. Other than being a perv, my boyfriend is a wonderfull and faithfull person and I know that. however, Many men out there start with the starring and move on to other things that are less innocent. My message is to all the women that are poisoning other women... JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO SELFE CONFIDENCE AND ARE LYING TO YOURSELF SAYING ITS PERFECTLY FINE FOR MEN TO STARE.. please do us all a favor and stop the bullshit. Dont try and act as if your some super hero. starring is wrong. oogling is wrong. drooling is wrong.
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reader, samismiles +, writes (27 April 2010):
I get so frustrated when people try to justify disgusting behaviour as being engrained in our biological makeup- how much of a cop-out excuse is that?! I'm a 20 year old female and have had my fair share of insecurities, all, i repeat ALL of them stem from a boyfriend messing me around. I'm definitely not a perfect shape, size, look, but if I'm in a relationship with someone the least I expect is respect and honesty, I trust whoever I'm with as a given, benefit-of-the-doubt style, sometimes it pays off and sometimes it doesn't. I'm currently in a relationship where I love my boyfriend and he is my best friend, but last year he really badly damaged my self confidence, particularly those relating to my looks. This came from him using porn, lying, promising to stop, lying again and finally looking at girls I know on a popular networking site. I cant describe how much this hurt, I've had OCD from a young age and had many eating disorder problems from the age of 10 and when someone you love and trust does something like that you start to see them differently...no longer are they the person that you can rely on completely, the cracks suddenly appear in their flawless complexion and we see the flaws. Whether or not I'm beautiful shouldn't factor into the betrayal of my trust and confidence, the person who is meant to protect it, failed. I know to some it seems like a trivial thing, but it's all relative, measuring how much something affects a particular person is nearly impossible without being that person.
The original question was posted so long ago that there's probably no point in me writing this, but I've been struggling with this for quite a while now and it was through my upset and frustration that I came across this blog/thing in the first place.
When it comes down to it, do you love this person, do you trust them, do you see a future worth living in with them, do you think you can get over it? Questions I've asked myself many a time now and sometimes I come up with different answers. None of us are perfect but when it comes to one on one relationships its all about communication and accomodation....talking to the person your with and understanding the boundaries within your relationship, then coming to an agreed conclusion on any outstanding issues. Too many people make the mistake of applying the same formula to every relationship they're in, as if 2+2 will still equal 4 even when theres more to it. Some people I know are fine with their boyfriend/girlfriend watching porn/flirting/checkout out people in the street, and though these things can be very painful I think there's a point where you just have to ask yourself, is this relationship worth it? For me, its a yes!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): Perhaps, men would curb their ogling behavior if women were not flattered by it. Women should NOT be flattered anyway. He is just seeing you as an object for his dirty porn fantasy. If you're attractive, why do you need such an ego boost? The ego is a very shallow thing.
CALL TO ALL ATTRACTIVE WOMEN: If you catch a man ogling you (not just a glance or a look) and that man is with another women, make him suffer the humiliation he is putting upon his wife or girlfriend. I don't know how, sneer at him, call him a jerk to his face, just do something to make him feel like the idiot he is behaving like. The only way this rude and disrespectful behavior by men will stop, is if WOMEN do not allow it. Women, please be respectful of other women, because I've seen many of women who are not. Is your momentary ego gratification worth the pain and humiliation the girlfriend or wife is experiencing at that same moment and she will continues to experience through bad memories of that moment and many other moments like it? Please be respectful of that hurt soul.
I am one of those many women with a wounded soul. I've watched my boyfriend flirt, banter, ogle, and get excited over other women on many occasions. With a excited smirk on his face, he actually asked me if my sister liked the same men I do. He was asking me, his girlfriend of 9 months, if my hot sister would be into him. Always, when I confronted him on these episodes, he either evades the question, or he behaves with self-righteous indignation. Really funny thing, this guy describes himself as honest and as someone with integrity.
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reader, hotmommanell +, writes (1 December 2009):
My ex-boyfriend had the porno eye. Lots of men do. Depending on how he’s ogling, and how often, it certainly is disrespectful of you and the relationship. But I wouldn’t make it about you, because it has nothing to do with how beautiful you are in comparison to the other woman. I confronted my then-boyfriend about it and he got really angry, so I dropped it. He still ogled, but I just started to ignore it. In a way, it was kind of funny watching him try to be slick and do it when he thought I wouldn’t notice. I always noticed, but I let it slide. The way I figured, it said more about him than it did me. Just for the record, every man who does this when his woman is around is being a hormone-driven jackass, pure and simple. And I suppose that’s what men who can’t (or won’t) control themselves are without question. That’s why I took extra pleasure when we were out and other men are ogled me. In fact, what I suggest is that you ignore your significant other’s ogling and open your eyes to the other men looking at you. Don’t go searching men’s eyes to see. That isn’t necessary. In fact, if a man looks at you, meet his eyes and smile. Don’t go out of your way to flirt, but be really polite to other men. That, and ignoring him when he ogles, may rankle him - and do wonders for you. See, the truth is a man either loves you or he doesn’t, he’s going to cheat or he won’t. There’s no sense in worrying your pretty little head about matters you can’t control. If he doesn’t love you or respect you, and you’re clued in to that, good. That’s less time you would have otherwise wasted on him. If it takes a while for you to discover what a douche bag he is, and he eventually does betray you, you can always leave! He didn’t deserve you anyway, and you will have learned something for the next time. Plus, bonus, you’ll be free to find the man who will truly cherish you. Something else I’ll suggest if you can’t ignore him ogling is to simply leave the scene. Seriously. Don’t say a word. Just leave. He’ll know why. I did that to my ex. We were in a pet store of all places and he was looking at some cute girl we passed. And he doubled back to get a better look. I swear to God! I left. He asked me why I stormed out with a sheepish grin on his face because he knew perfectly well that he had been discovered. I just said we didn’t find what we were looking for, and I was done looking. Eventually that SOB cheated on me with his work colleague. I left the scene for good. Now I’m engaged to someone wonderful who doesn’t ogle other women when we’re out in public together. If you want to confront instead of ignore or walk out, here’s something else you can do: make his porno eye about the sanctity of your relationship. Say that’s what he’s disrespecting, which is true. Most importantly, don’t let him try and tell you you’re insecure! That’s a BS tactic men always pull. They twist it around on you. Don’t allow this! Your insecurities have nothing to do with him behaving like a jackass. Just say “This isn’t about me and my insecurities, it’s about you respecting our bond. Your behavior suggests you don’t respect what we have and that you’re not satisfied with what we have. I refuse to sit here and allow you to disrespect our XX years together.” See how he handles that one. No matter what he comes up with, just say that it’s an excuse and a cop out, and that the fact is his behavior disrespects your relationship and that saddens you. Don’t been drawn into any other arguments. Just drop it. If the behavior persists, start leaving the scene.A final word that bears repeating: his porno eye is about his horn dog, Neanderthal tendencies and has nothing to do with your worth as a woman, or you attractiveness. If women like Halle Berry, Liz Hurley, and Christie Brinkley get cheated on, some of the most beautiful women in the world, then you know what I’m saying is true. Some men are just idiots who take orders from their peckers. Men like variety, yet they also want love. All of them, the good and the bad, struggle with this. Some men are better at controlling these tendencies. Even the good ones will step out of line from time to time. As a woman it’s important for you to understand that a) it’s not about you and b) that you don’t have to put up with the worst of it. IT IS NOT unreasonable to expect a man to tone down his radar for attractive women when you are together. A quick glance at a really pretty woman is understandable. Blatant ogling and lingering glances are not. Don’t EVER let him excuse his bad behavior by saying you’re just insecure or that he can’t help himself. That’s BS and he knows it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): look its not just men who ogles it women as well and it will lead to something else maybe not sexual but i can quarantee you it will lead to a fight,you as a person have to ask yourself is the relationship serious or is it something your trying to see where it will go,if he does it now it will continue and then you will be suspecting the worse,and thats no good,so ask yourself do you deep down trust him or do you have the fifty fifty kind of trust,women and men do it and if they say they dont walk away because right there its would be a bold face lie,and i hate lyer worse than a looker its ok to look but not ok to touch if your in a relationship and definitly not if your marriage this is the day we live in but oggeling over anybody is not ok anytime.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): Seriously people, what's up with the bullshit of 'all men ogle' or 'it's hardwired into them, they can't help it' bullshit? Stop making excuses for these disrespectful, adolescent dogs. It is NOT ok, all men do NOT do it and guess what ... it is NOT harmless. Ogling is a form of flirting and flirting is NEVER harmless. Google this shit and LEARN from it. I've been a Psychologist nearly 11 years now (B.A, M.Ed., Ph.D specializing in abuse, drama, sexual, relationship, issues, etc, and I have seen and spoken with unlimited number of men regarding these situations, that not surprisingly, can escalate to much more if given the opportunity.
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reader, Lucy101 +, writes (21 September 2009):
There is a line between "checking someone out" and staring, making eye contact and letting them know you are sexually attracted to them. I understand we're all human, its natural to look at an attractive person, maybe give them a quick glance, even a couple of glances is absolutely fine, but its not fine when the glances turn into prolonged eye contact and flirty smiles. My boyfriend of 2yrs does this contstantly. We'll be in a bar and he'll hunt around for someone to make this eye contact with, its like an addiction for him, he has to get a response from at least one woman in the bar. Once he's locked eyes with his target I may as well not even be there. I cant tell you how much it pisses me off!!!! Its totally disrespectful and makes me sick to my stomach, I feel stupid and ugly when he makes me endure this, its embarrassing, especially when I see her glancing at me as if she's wondering if we're even together! I've thought about doing the same to him but I love him too much to hurt his feelings like that. I dont even like him to know that I've even noticed another man! I wish he had the same respect for me as I have for him.My stomach churns at the thought of going out with him to bars. I've spoken to him about it, I asked him to just rein it in a little, I dont mind him looking at an attractive woman but the level he takes it to is down right hurtful. I dont think I want to be with him anymore, I can honestly say that I've never been with a man who behaved like this. Its disgusting.
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reader, linz09 +, writes (30 August 2009):
 All men do this, well 99.9% do....dont worry and dont be hurt, at least he's just looking .rightTake care linz (:
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reader, erind123 +, writes (30 August 2009):
In reply to all of you- my b/f does the same thing. I was in a relationship for 12 years before to a man that never did it, but he ended up cheating on me. Now, by current b/f literally stares down women, makes no secret about it, and then yells at me for bringing it up, for being insecure. I'm doing an experiment here though, to determine if there's any double standard-I will begin to respond to good looking men in the same manner as my b/f responds to pretty women. Chances are I'll get asked out, then I'll let him know every time it happens. Not that I'd take advantage of it, I mean, I love him, regardless of how much of an ass he can be :)
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reader, mjlohr +, writes (16 January 2009):
I have the same problem. I have been married for 11 years and he has always ogled and flirted with other women. We are always together so he really doesn't have any opportunity to cheat but I often times wonder whether he would if he had the chance. Sometimes I think he would cheat on me, sometimes I don't think he would and sometimes I just don't know. EVERYTIME we are out, he ogles other women and when he makes eye contact, he gives them a smile. That literally breaks my heart. I love him wholeheartedly. We have had countless serious talks about this and he convinces me for a while that he would never cheat on me. But when he sees a pretty woman, it's back to square one. I try to convince myself that if he hasn't cheated on me all this time he probably never will but sometimes it's hard to convince myself of that. The times we have talked about it, he tells me that he will make a special effort not to look. I can see him trying not to look but at times he ends up looking anyway. I know he loves me though because even to this day he opens doors for me and will do anything for me. But I think he has a hard time with the staring part. See, I could never do that to him because I love him. Just because he stares like that, is that a guarantee that he would cheat on me if he had the chance? I don't know what to think anymore. Even when we watch TV I get upset when a pretty woman comes on because he seems to get mesmerized by the woman and even appears to me to get a little erection. I just love him so much and don't want to leave him but I don't know what to do. We have 2 kids together too. I am currently in school to become an RN trying to make a better life for my family but at times I don't feel that he appreciates it when he mesmerizes over women. My sister-in-law teases him of how in high school he was like a male prostitute but just didn't get the pay. He told me he would have this one girl come over from a long distance just to have sex with him. Now if he had a sexual addiction, wouldn't it be obvious by now, after 11 years of marriage? I have attempted to leave him several times over the years because of this but he was just broken down and lost without me and I just feel we are meant to be together but it is this mesmerizing thing that comes between us. I am just so confused. I KNOW he loves me but then I wonder how he can do that to me. I am VERY confused. Sorry this is so long but I just needed to talk. Thanks for listening and any advice is certainly welcome.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2009): It is not wrong to look at beautiful things, and we all do it, but you would hope if your boyfriend cares about you, he'd do it discreetly. I just broke up with somebody who I dated for several years because of infidelity, and staring at other women was one of many signs that this relationship was wrong.. Although he was sweet and caring and always complemented me on "how hot I looked", he always stared and made eye contact for a prolonged period of time with other women when I was around. Initially, it didn't bother me, but eventually it got to me. I know it is useless to reprimand a man for those types of things. Afterall, it's their nature or so they say.. In the end, I found my man in bed with another woman. Interestingly enough, she could have passed for my sister. How weird.. I just want to say TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. Mine were telling me all along that this was not right for me, and it wasn't. I just didn't want to believe it. I am much happier now focusing on what feels right. ;)
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008): its normal 4 your boy-friend to look at other girls. all guys are like that. don't be jelous. guys that have girl-friends probly look at you to. he's with you that's all that matters. so no worries. and if he's really sweet and caring he most likely won't cheat on you. so no worries. trust me i'm always in that situation when i date a guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2008): Men are dogs. Literally. They hump anything and everything. They drool. They follow women around like a dog does when the female is in heat. They are totally self-centered and clueless. They never know when they do something wrong until they are "scolded." Then they only change their behavior for a small amount of time because their memories are not long enough to remember what they did wrong in the first place. They are not civilized...no matter how pretty you cut a dogs fur and how many ribbons you put their hair, they still eat their own poop and lick their own butts.
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reader, janestateside +, writes (27 September 2008):
 Hi...
I have the same problem, and am at my wits end now as to what to do!.
My husband and I have been together for nearly 3 yrs now.. our children are teenagers so we are not 'young chicks' as such.
But he looks at 'blonde' women constantly when we are out...sometimes i can take it and find it kind of amusing if he hasnt got his glasses on and the woman is an old lady... but usually i am unable to take this kind of behaviour from him.
If i mention it he blows his top and a massive argument starts... he says this is the one subject he hates and hates me bringing up... because he does nothing !.. or doesnt realise he is doing this.
I just dont know what to do as my self esteem is tumbling and i dont want to go out anywhere with him anymore..yet i love him dearly !
Thanks for listening... any advice much appreciated.. Jane
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reader, Sapphire1148 +, writes (23 June 2008):
This is only my opinion. I am not a feminist or a liberal. I think it's very disrespectful for people to ogle and comment on members of the opposite sex in their presence, regardless of what their relationship is to each other. Even my older brother sometimes does it in my presence and I still think it's disrespectful. About 10 years ago I immaturely have done it in my little brother's presence (when he was about 11) but I have never, to my knowledge, done this to ANY man because I know how it feels.Although there are many men out there that I find attractive, I refrain from sharing that with any straight man in my presence. One of the big reasons I married my husband was he didn't do this to me. We still have problems, but they don't include that. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Body Dysmorphic Disorder and I have serious issues about my appearance. I've had 9 procedures on my face and a breast augmentation. I work out and I work hard to look good. I know I'm at least attractive now but I just want to look the best that I possibly can and I think that's a realistic and fair goal for everyone.We have to realize that everyone has "their day in the sun" and everyone eventually ages. The bottom line is it is rude to ogle and comment on members of the opposite sex when one or more members of that sex are in your presence, regardless of their age or relationship to you. If you explain to the person or people that you think what they're doing is rude and that you wouldn't do that to them and they STILL do it, don't waste your time with them. You deserve someone that respects you and doesn't have an adolescent need to advertise their heterosexuality.
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reader, little_miss_somebody +, writes (3 June 2008):
 I know EXACTLY how all of you feel. My ex-boyfriend stared at other women throughout our 4 year relationship. When I first met him, I was very confident and sure of myself as a person. Sadly, when we finally separated, I felt like a total nothing on the inside. His ogling didn't stop at just a few quick glances at random 'hot' girls; it escalated to blatant stares, disrespectful comments about my body and clothes, he also began chatting with girls online, meeting them for lunch and then finally, sleeping with them while still being intimate with me. During the duration of our relationship, he too denied every bit of what he was doing. He urged ME to seek therapy because he said I was too emotional, too insecure, and too depressed. I spent 3 out of our 4 years going through therapy to correct 'my issues' that I didn't have when we first met! Believe it or not, one day the doctor asked, "Why are you here wasting your money and time? You are not the problem, he is the problem!" I quickly changed my way of thinking and bolted before the jerk I was with had the pleasure of taking another moment of happiness from my life. One thing that therapy taught me was to recognize the signs of a bad relationship. I learned how to not only see the red flags but, to act on them. Now I'm afraid I am back in the same situation again...new guy of course. (red flags are going off like crazy)My current boyfriend also stares at other women. I gave him the chance to stare in the beginning because he truly seemed like a different guy. I stayed calm when I first brought it to his attention...he of course denied everything. (that infuriates me) He has tried to be more 'covert' in his ways of looking at other girls but, I still catch him and I don't like it. Funny, I'm like a hawk now, I see all and know all! I really don't want to go through the same thing again; the first time hurt enough!! I'd really like a relationship where this wasn't an issue at all!Someone was right in their earlier post...you lose a connection with a person when they hurt you...you lose trust for that person too. I know men will look, my therapist explained it like this: Men are visual creatures, women are emotional creatures. I got it! I understand! I'm ready to find a man who cares more about my heart, than his own lust. If checking out another girl doesn't mean anything, like most men will say, then why risk losing someone who loves you for someone who means nothing. Just my thoughts...stay strong ladies...the right man is out there, I just know it!XxOoXxOo,little_miss_somebody
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): Suggestion; It's always a wise decision to evaluate what is important to you, when you are with your significant other, how do YOU feel? What is important to you? Evaluate how important it is to YOU to feel a natural sense of consideration, safety, and a friendship between the two of you. There are those men who are insatiable, I prefer to be valued for both internal (personality, character, way of looking at the world, intelligence) and external qualities (beautiful hazel eyes, beautiful smile, how I carry myself, interaction style with others, remembering all that I am)...if you are being treated in a manner that you feel uncomfortable, un-appreciated and or de-valued, it might be wise to keep your mind in a place that is GOOD FOR YOU. Remember all the things that you are, what you have become because of all you have learned/been through/how you love/how you see the world/what gives you grace...and you may find you will not only blow his ass out of the water, but also may find one to whom you are better suited. Remember this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2008): I completely understand this issue. I have known VERY FEW men who are respectful about this. I have dated men that I thought were perfect gentlemen, until I saw their eyes going crazy with every woman that would pass! I actually broke off an engagement because it was such a problem with my ex. It really is about dignity, respect, and appreciation. Sure, there is much beauty in life... and other women are going to to beautiful. But are you really showing your appreciation for the wonderful woman that you have when you gawk at other women and blatantly stare? A long hard look or multiple glances will leave your woman feeling hideous, hurt, and separated from you.
While you are still two individuals in a relationship, you work on establishing a comfort level so that the two of you function "as one" quite well (at least in marriage). But when you disrespect her by looking at other women in a desirous way, you are telling her that no matter how much she does for you, no matter how good she tries to look for you, and no matter how much you "love" her, you can't control yourself enough to not feast your eyes on someone else.
It is a very painful thing to endure... I am attractive, intelligent and kind... but men consistently look around at other women. And what bothers me most is the way the other women look when they do it, as if to say "Ha. Your man is totally checking me out. I am so hot."
When I see guys with girlfriends checking me out, they get a VERY nasty look in response. I get offended that they do that with a woman on their arm. I want to throw my shoe at them and tell their girlfriend to find a better man.
I don't care how many people say "let a man be a man." Who invented that phrase? A MAN! "It's a guy thing," "it's natural.." BOLOGNA! There is one word for it and one word alone... it is LUST. And if my man is going to lust after anyone but me, he will not be my man for long.
Phew. I feel better :) Perhaps this is why I am enjoying being single right now. I don't have to fight the urge to poke a man's eyeballs out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2008): The ogling is a nightmare.
I am not talking about looking openly so that one, being female, can join in and laugh with them, and point out good-looking men and women, I mean amorous looks, hitting furtively on other women, so that one has these 'hoverers' 'posers' and the female car drivers who drive up on the wrong side to get a further sexual thrill 'attention seekers' - they get very loud when he stops ogling them, because I have congratulated him on his conquest!-?This makes him madder than the proverbial wet hen, but what on earth can one do?
I have a horrible idea that the sexual thrill of locking eyes with a responsive stranger is an addiction. All those angry denials. Is there anyone out there who can help us?
Ogling HAS to lead to infidelity.. the loo trick etc.
What do the women think, when they ogle back, behind the back of the man's companion? Isn't it terribly unkind? Would you ever do it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2008): All men look. Even the most polite can't resist looking at a scantily clad or beautiful woman when she walks by. It in their wiring. However, if he sneaks a quick peak, thats one thing. If he STARES with complete disregard, than its time you let him know that you won't stand for him disrespecting and hurting your feelings like that. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): My boyfriend does the same thing. It makes me so mad I could scream. I'm pregnant with his baby and every time we go out he's looking at some other chick! He's kind of nerdy looking...I think it's kind of an issue with his self esteem. I didn't really notice it before until I found out he had done some online cheating on me with an ex and some other chicks early on when we first started dating. (That's another thing ladies...beware of the online BS men do). But anyway, you would look at him and think he couldn't harm a lamb let alone sleep with other chicks and talk to exes AND check other chicks out in front of you when you already feel unattractive and pregnant.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2008): Tell him that when he stares excessively at other women, it feels to you as if the cosy energy that was circulating between you two, as a couple has suddenly drained . It is as if there has been a power outage. The warm glow of togetherness in your relationship starts to dim , flicker and fade out. You start to feel uncomfortable and neglected because the energy that was circulating between the two of you is now surging into the other woman.You start to feel as if 'two's company three's a crowd' and wonder whether you should just walk off quietly ,leaving him to stare at the other woman.His behaviour is rude. If he is wants to develop his relationship with you further ,then he needs to know how you are feeling. He may not be aware of the effect his behaviour is having upon you. Be honest ,to both yourself and him. Oh, one more thing. Cassanova had a reputation for being a great lover even though he was nothing remarkable to look at short, stout and bald. The secret to his success was he had away of making the woman he was wooing feel as if she was the only woman he had eyes for , as if she were 'the one.'Good luckAngel
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2008): i have the same problem, my boyfriend is sweet and caring too but he has a starring problem. pisses me off. next time he does it i will confront him. sorta nice to know im not the only one who has the problem. think u should say next time he does it "do you want me to get her no. for you"
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): You know what ladies don't feel alone. Ive experienced this very same thing...and let me tell you it hurts. I have a degree, thin, pretty, and I have a J-lo booty. Im not trying to sound concieted Im just trying to paint the picture that It can happen to anyone- no matter how pretty, smart, confident..whatever. I think it actually happens to the ones who are most confident more..or maybe not I don't know... I think these guys do it as a form of control..to lower the womans confidence and self esteem. I have been with my boyfriend for two years..he is a great guy but he has this same problem. He says Im insecure..but that is funny because Ive always thought of my self as being very confident. I think it is a way for them to make us feel insecure and then call us that. Men have been treating women like this for a long time..treating us like we are objects. And this is one way for them to objectify us. I think all of us ladies need to take a stand against this kind of behavior. We have fought hard for women to have the same rights...yet we let them degrade us like this. I think the women who say "Oh a man is a man- just let them be and except it"..or they will even call the women who is standing up for herself insecure. I think these women are codependents...who knows what else she would except-her man would probally hit her and she would make up an excuse for him...just like she is doing for him to disrespect her like this..... I know how hard it is to stand up to the man you love and wonder why in the world he would treat the woman he is sappose to love like that...but I think this is something that needs to be done...I am ready to break up with my man over this...yes it it that important..either he stops...or Im out!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2007): i feel exactly the same way and all they do is denie it. But let me tell you your not alone and you should give him a taste of his own medicine x
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): if my b/f done that to me, i will tell him that he sould finish looking and i am living with him, if dose it again then that's will be it, i am not enough to look at there for he can look at other women for ever, there is a way of doing it, u can't be so disrespectful to me like that, cos i will not do it to him too (at least when he is with me
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007): i hate that men do that.my husband is a cop and he looks at other women. i know he dont touch but its the fact that he looks and sometimes looks again, and denies it. if a man licks his lips while he is looking at a womens butt then what do we do ladies??? that is what i would like to know..that pisses me off. and we get into a fight. we would fight for a week over this. i do the same thing because he does it to me. and i told him why i do it. i love my husband and i dont want to lose him over stupid stuff. he says it is all in my head but yea right i know what i see especially i know him and other men that ive been with. i dont think he understands that it hurts me i wish he would but like all yall said they are men, and they will do what ever they want to do.. i hate that but what can i do. nothing but kick that crap out of him until he stops right??
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2007): oh god , I so know how you feel!!! its awful to be out with your boyfriend and follow his gaze over to some beautiful woman. I am going out with a lovely sweet guy who also does this! We can be in a bar, restaurant or anywhere and hes doing it and the funny thing is, he doesn't even try to disguise it! What usually happens is....an attractive woman enters the room, I usually see her first, then I watch him look over at her (he sometimes even fully checks her out in front of me!) then if thats not enough to make me feel like shit, he continuously gazes over! even in the middle of our conversation!! I am a blonde attractive talented lady and it hurts me so much as I think is he not happy with me?? I've only ever been out with one guys before who did this and it used to drive me nuts! And he never changed his beahviour throughout the 2 and a half years i was with him. its a nightmare. Anyhow I decided it was time to say something to him last week about it. I never react to it when we're out as I don't want it to ruin our night or to cause a scene (even though my blood is boiling and I really want to confront him over it) ?Anyhow he said he is completely unaware of it and i explained to him that whether he is aware of it or not, the outcome of me being hurt and feeling insecure of it is still the same. He siad to me that the next time it happens, ot point it out to him. I told him that I shouldn't have to point it out to him and I won't be pointing it out to him, he should just know that this kind of behaviour around your girlfriend (who he is supposed to love!) is unacceptable. I told him i can't continue to be in a relationship with someone who does this. He told me that it will never happen again. To be honest I think it will happen again as hes being doing it all the way through the last 7 months. I only decided to let it go as I thought he was jsut adapting from being a "lad" into a serious committed relationship. I don't think his behaviour will change, as I've learnt the hard way in relationships that people generally don't ever change. So i guess hes not the man of my life, because I know one thing....the man of my life is never going to do this is my company. Girls, we should always be number 1...if a man isn't making us feel like we are, we should dump his sorry ass! Sorry is not good enough or saying that they are completely unaware of it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2007): My husband does the same thing. He looks at other women. I feel so hurt and betrayed, but I guess it's no harm as long as he look one time and that's it. But sometimes he look then he'll look away and look again, and again. That's what really make me mad. We are all human. If something nice looking pass our eye we are going to look. But staring or just keep glancing back at the woman is just plain disrespectful. So here's what I do. I DO THAT SAME THING WHEN I SEE A GOOD LOOKING GUY. And he do get mad sometimes. That makes me feel awesome. But it do not stop him from looking either. It's just something you have to deal with or dump him. A man is going to be a man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2007): i have been with my man for 2 years and just broke up with him over this he seems to not understand that his boss telling him that he really intrigues her, and the fact that his bosses mother got lunch for my boyfriend is a problem. After all his bosses mother wouldnt have done such a "friendly" "caring" gesture had the boss not been speaking to the mother obviously telling her that she may hay feelings for him. He didnt tell me this until he came home with an apple in his lunch box and openly said his bosses mother got it for him with a yogurt too he just shrugged this off. the last time he was this friendly with another woman was when we used to work together with a younger more curvey dumb girl who he was quite touchy and feely with. I cant deal with this and broke it off with him. after all during this 2 years with him i have always had trust issues with him and this was the cherry on the cake. i still have to live with him and miss him terribly. but if i cant trust him and deal with other women being in his life tell me what is the point? id rather suffer being by myself than continously arguing the same facts in his life, which will only make him more miserable and therefore may even go out and cheat on me. i think all my pushing and the fact he has no other women friends will eventually lead to him looking elsewere. so hes free to do what he wants now and i dont have to moan at him anymore. even if its killin me living and being near him. im such a fool!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2006): Wow, an old thread reopened!
Anyway to answer Ms. Anon below, it's human nature to look at beautiful things. It doesn't mean you are less beautiful. It just means there are also other beautiful things.
Would it be wrong to ogle at other exotic cars if I already own Porsche Carerra GT2? Would it be wrong to flip through the pages of some newspaper or magazine and take note that this girl or this guy looks quite hot? Would it be wrong to buy a 5000 square foot mansion and then drive around Shaughnessy looking at castles and garden houses?
Mind you, I understand your dilemma. At the very least, if he looks, he can be tactful about it. There are the type of guys who look and comment, but doesn't take the girlfriend or wife into consideration. Then there are those who look and reassures the gf or wife that everyone else are just objects, where as she is the one I adore the most.
You know?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2006): I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months. I couldnt have found anyone as decent, but that man would drool over a dog if it was wearing a mini skirt. It starts of that we are just on the bus for example and his hand kind of jerks which makes me look to see whats wrong but when i look, yes it a woman either wearing a skirt or some tight trousers. He gets kind of nervous as he doesnt want me to know he is looking but i have been watching since his yes met her bossoms or whatever is on show..The part that really annoys me is that he then denies it saying "oh i was looking at her clothes" which in most cases barely cover he itsy bitsys..yesterday in church a woman was walking back down the isle when i noticed his eyes follow her until they they could no more. When i asked him outside he said he was lookin at everyone, but my point was that he spent alot more effort on this one, when i finally got him to admit to me that he looked because she was pretty he tried denying it soon after and said to him, she didnt exist,now is it just me or did she have to bloody exist for him to look in the first place??its drivin me crazy and i dont know what to do
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reader, welderella +, writes (20 May 2006):
my boyfriend does it all the time.undressing women with his eyes right in front of me.it stinks,its sickening,disrespectful,yea they all will look but they dont have to block you out and pretend their single and available.i would not recommend talking to them about it cause they dont listen,if they do listen they forget,i tried and failed so now i just get mad,flip out and embarass them.say something like OMG WHY DONT YOU JUST GO GET A HOTEL FOR THE 2 OF YOU,OR DONT LOOK AT HER ASS,SHE POOPS FROM THERE.ok maybe being a bit bitchy too but anger is my way of dealing with it,and it embarasses them makes them a bit angry but thats what they get for being asses,if all else fails, crack them over the head with a baseballbat.nuff said.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2006): Yeah.... y boyfriend is really sweet and caring. When ever I am upset or anything he will come over and see what's the matter. Well most of the high school girls are pretty, but when ever he sees one, or any girl for that matter, he always looks at them and says something like, " wow, she was hot!" And then I always feel like crap. So my advise to you is that if he ever looks at another girl, look over to him and say, " Wow...That guy had a cute butt!" Works everytime because if he gets to look at a girl, why shouldn't you be able to look at other guys!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2005): aww i know what you mean. I have the same problem. Except in my case, i break down and cry right then and there, no matter where we are or who's around us. I cant put up with that crap. On top of that, he accuses me of looking at others when i dont even do anythng like that. I do everything kind and sweet for him, but he still thinks id hurt him. How stupid. My advice for you, talk to him and just cry like how i do. Except its not really working for me. I know! If that doesn't work, try to talk to him. Since he's a guy, thats not going to work either. So do something nice for him that he will love. Then if hes being mean, remind him of the nice thing you did, and he'll say "aww oh ya" and he'll stop. Works everytime.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2005): I understand you and how you feel completely!! When we were dating, I paid attention to see if he looked at other women in an obvious way and he didn't ! I never caught him checking any women out. I thought that was great b/c ewvery man I had ever dated would ogle, turn their head, drool...etc...So I was even more attracted to this wonderful guy. However, after we moved in together a few months down the line, I notice he is just as bad if not worse than the otheres ever were. It makes me feel that he is tired of me and looking for something new or better. He always denies it, which makes it worse. He acts like I am accusing him even though I talk to him nicely like an adult. So, now what? I feel like it is disrespectful when he is with me to be so blatant about it. I even see the other women look at me to see if I see him looking at them. I try not to notice and just look the other way, but it really bothers me. Why would he do it now and not then? I just hate it !! I have done the same thing with other men trying to see what he says and he doesn't say anything , but I can tell he sees me. I understand that we all look. If you love someone, respect for the love you have between the two should keep the roving eye from roaving when with a loved one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2005):
The first thing to point out is that everyone looks. Its a subconcious human reflex. The difference is how we do it and what we do about it that matters.
I've been seeing my boyfriend for roughly 6 months now. He tells me he loves me all the time and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I'm comfortable in who I am and feel I'm good enough for him but when he stares at other women it makes me feel like crap. Almost as if I'm the one he settles for, but they're the ones he'd rather be with.
Its not even just the odd glance, its staring and sometimes making prolonged eye contact. He could easily walk into a lamp post if I wasnt holding his hand guiding him along!! How ironic is that?!
I personally think the best solution is to talk it over, second best would be to do exactly the same and see his reaction. Easier said than done, I've been trying to approach the issue for ages.
Its funny because without sounding arrogant I cant imagine what more he could want. I'm attractive, have my own money, do everything for him and he never has to deal with the usual girlfriend issues other blokes do. I guess you never know what you've got til its gone.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2005): Thanks so much for all your valuable advice. I will work on it and hopefully the problem will be solved. Will keep you posted on the result.
Thanks again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2005): I think the first thing you need to do is talk to your boyfriend.. Tell him how much what he did is upsetting to you. All men look at other women and I think for the most part..we women can accept that. (after all, we look at other guys) But it's the "way" they ogle women than many of us find disturbing. Discreet, hidden looks are okay..many men make huge efforts to ma ensure their lady doesn't catch them doing it. Men who blatantly ogle & stare at another women in front of their ladylove..are the guys I have problems with.
But the fact that he finds other women attractive doesn't have to mean you're unattractive or that he would play games or even cheat on you. We are all human, have all our weaknesses. Getting attention from others boosts our ego which in return makes us appreciate even more what we already have and thus be more loving towards our loved one. But when it's taken to extreme, I don't care what some men say. It is wrong and disrespectful! This has nothing to do with a insecurity. This is about ethics and integrity.
What happened to you, was utterly disrespectful. That's far beyond what I find should be acceptable. There is though always this boundary of decency. Sometimes, guys virtually undress a women with their eyes. We can stare at someone in such a way that embarrasses them. This far beyond of what I consider acceptable. What happened to you, appears to me as a good reason to reassess your whole relationship.
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reader, Ask MiMi +, writes (25 July 2005):
Try talking to him about it. In my experience, guys usually deny that they are doing it. And sometimes they are so used to staring at other women, that they don't even realise what they are doing. If talking fails, give him a taste of his own medicine (this gets his attention) and when he tells you about it, ask him how he feels when you stare at other guys and then explain how you feel when he does it to you.
I know it sounds revengful, but really, sometimes, people need to walk in your shoes, before they understand the pain you experience.
All the best!
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reader, becky05 +, writes (25 July 2005):
I dont believe there is any harm in looking. Surely you must look at other men too? Maybe you are not aware of it and maybe your partner isnt aware that hes looking at these women.
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reader, Bev Conolly +, writes (25 July 2005):
 This is one of those situations where you can both adjust your expectations a little and - hopefully! - you meet in the middle.
First, your boyfriend. Have you explained (kindly, and without whining, demanding or nagging) how his obvious drooling over other women hurts your feelings? If not, be sure that you let him know. Explain that it feels to you like he's comparing your unfavourably to other girls, and that it makes you unhappy. Ask him if he'd please rein it in and be more discreet about it, and tell him that in return, you'll do your best to try not to be oversensitive.
Then both of you need to keep your ends of the bargain.
Now, here's what you can do: don't sweat it. I can say this as a woman in a long relationship: men will ogle. It's pointless to demand that a man NOT ogle, because he will anyway. It's one of those male biological imperatives, like... morning erections.
The general male argument - and mine too - is that, if women didn't want men to look at them, they wouldn't take such pains to dress up. Why do you think that woman on the train was wearing a short skirt? Because it was *comfortable*? Not likely! And your boyfriend was responding in an understandable (if slightly unrestrained) way.
The only thing that you can change about the fact that men look at women is your reaction to it.
Remember, your b/f isn't rivetted to your side. If he wanted to be with someone else, he very well could be. So, logically, you need to accept that, since he isn't with someone else, he WANTS to be with you, right? So let him look (discreetly) and remember that he's chosen you over them.
So, he salivates a bit over other women. Really, so what? If he promises not to be too overt and if you accept that it's just about inevitable but it means nothing, then there's no problem.
These are the little concerns that couples work out over time. You have to remember to pick your battles and try only to worry about the really big problems. Because if you set your heart on being slighted by every little surreptitious glance from your b/f, you'll spend your whole life unhappy.
Try to get agreement from his that he'll compromise on the issue, then shrug and get over it. It's really not that big an issue, unless you're determined to make yourself feel unhappy over it.
Good luck.
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