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female
,
anonymous
writes: Hi, I feel that my question somewhat difficult to answer and I know the answer ultimately has to from me but I think that it'd really help to get a couple of alternative perspectives on the matter. I have recently returned from working abroad. About a month before I left, met a wonderful man, who made me unbelievably happy. He is 12 years older than me and is nothing like anyone I had been with before. I was totally heartbroken leaving him but knew that I could not change me plans based on seeing someone for such a short time. We said we would make a commitment to be faithful and we'd see how things were when I got back (supposedly six months later!) Anyway I am back home now... much earlier than expected (after 2 months) as I was attacked and sexually assaulted after night out with my collegues, I immediately contacted police and family who flew out to be with me but I was scared to contact the guy I had been seeing. We emailed and called each other often and I was faithful to him, he had even planned to visit me. I finally decided to call him but he was very unsympathetic and his reactions hurt me a lot. He did not call for nearly 2 weeks after. He has recently got back in contact and wants to see if we can somehow get back to where we were at before I went away. I still feel really strongly for this guy but don't know if i'll ever get over his reactions to what happend to me. I know people deal with things differently and he has told me how badly the whole ting affected him but I feel he should have realised how much just a call or text message would have meant to me at that time. Do you guys think I shoud give this guy another chance??
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Buty +, writes (8 August 2005):
First I must say I'm so sorry for such a bad experience. I must tell you that this guy really loves you and the impact that this bad news brought to him was a thunderous blow which resulted in a state of confusion and actually not knowing what to say. Even after recovery he still does not have words to express himself to you. The first question that he must had asked himself was "Why this to the only woman he loved and actually wanted to spend the rest of his life with. I strongly feel that you people should come together and find a way forward. The would will heal slowly and with a bio-oil of love you will not see the scars.
Wish you two great time and a happy future.
Buty.
A
female
reader, Eva +, writes (26 July 2005):
Firstly I want you to know how sorry I am to hear of your attack. It is such an evil thing to do to anyone. News like this will affect everyone in different ways. Men quite often feel to blame for their partners being on there own and them not there to protect you but it is no one's fault. It could have been hard on this guy but I think you and he should talk about what happened and try to put it in the past and start afresh. If it feels right in your heart then go for it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2005): I am so sorry to hear of what happened to you. Often, important relationships change after an assault, adding to a survivor’s woundedness. Those closest sometimes blame her for the assault, minimize her pain, or have unrealistic expectations of her or the recovery process.
But it's at this time we need the love, support and encouragement from those closest to us..but please remember, families, friends, co-workers, and boyfriend's are all deeply impacted by your assault. And everyone reacts differently to your pain & sorrow. Your sexual assualt had a huge impact on your new b/f and I feel his ignoring you was not intended to hurt you or minimize what happened to you. He simply didn't know how to react...at first. It's likely this news shocked him beyond comprehension.
It is a common experience that many men are left feeling angry, bereft, helpless, and guilty at the knowledge that a woman he cares for deeply has been sexually assaulted. His own hurt & pain was real. Your assualt likely prompted him to a period of self-introspection, a time to think. He need time to come to terms and accept what happened to you. He has now stepped up to the plate and has told you "why" he didn't keep in touch. He was dealing with it..in his own way. After the assault it is important to find safe, supporting relationships. The wounds from sexual assault may be largely invisible, but they are no less real. We need compassionate care and I wished he had displayed it more to you when you most needed him to.
Please talk with him some more about your "sexual assault" and get his innermost thoughts, opinions and feelings over what happened to you. Tell him how his silence hurt you. And then you can choose to keep him in your life, should you want to. He needs to be asked if he can put this behind him and not allow it to adversely affect your relationship in the future because his "negative feelings" could have long term ramifications on a normal, supportive, relationship with you. Only you and he can work this situation out. Lots for you to think about but I feel you will make the best decision for your happiness. Good luck and stay strong
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A
reader, schlottjl  +, writes (25 July 2005):
 Dump this jerk. Look you know very little about him really. You spent a great deal of time explaining yourself and justifying your goodness when it was not necessary. And that was just in your question.
Ask yourself why you feel like you owe a near stranger any part of your life. It was wrong of you to make the commitment to not date others for a maybe date with this guy in the far future. You are not married. You may be inviting perpetrators to your company without knowing it.
I suggest you be very careful in the future. Your attitude has “target” written all over it. I hate to say that to you in light of your recent situation. However, what I am saying will hopefully stop you from attracting all of the worst men on the planet to come in and take over.
Justifying your dating patterns to any man is absolutely unnecessary. To offer it up, invites a man to criticize you. Even if they ask, maintain that it is your business only. After all what good will the info do anyone but put a vision in the mind that never helps anything. Sure, you might lose some guys, but those guys are the ones you want to lose. If you decide for yourself that you are playing the field and that only men who EARN your love, respect etc., get it, then those men you lose are the ones who you are happy left and those who agree are sane!
Do not trust your judgement regarding men and the greatness of them until you have tested them this way. Do not give dating history except that you have or have not been with others at all. From now on, resolve to yourself that each relationship should stand or fall based on what actually happens over time. Do not think his calling you regularly means anything. Don't think him wanting to know who you talk to means anything. Nothing but his loving actions (NOT WORDS) mean anything. Any person can act nice and good for a long time but what this guy is doing is showing his hand on accident. When he drops the act, it will get much worse. You don’t say why you committed to him so soon and when you were not going to be around, but if he pushed it, he is trying to control you already. If you offered it, you could only peak the interests of the abusive type. Any good guy would say “no, don’t do that.” You could have offered to call when you got back and if you both were available, try to meet for a date.
Leave the guy and prop up your self esteem before you get back out there. You can get men without having to go the extra mile. In fact, the extra mile will get you nowhere but to land of the jerks!
I don’t know much, but I do know enough to know that this guy is abusive. He does not care and is playing a game. He will eventually victimize you as bad as any sexual assault if you continue.
Now go out and make them earn you! Repeat 50 times upon waking and before bed. . . "I am the prize!"
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