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male
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*aron 123
writes: I really need to get out of my relationship for my own health and for my future that I could have, but my girlfriend won't let me have. She is emotionally blackmailing me saying she will hurt herself if I leave her and I am the most unhappy I have been in a long time. I can't move on in my career as a musician because she won't let me. How can I leave her without her hurting herself?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2005): The most important thing is that you are happy. She obviously does not make you happy anymore, therefore you should break up. It will be very hard to do but you must do it, but you do hold a little responsibility in this action. It is your responsibility to at least try to make sure that she turns out alright. So break up and explain a short summary of the truth, and then do what you can so that she doesn't hurt herself- find her friends, hobbies etc... so that she doesn't turn into a tomato.
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female
reader, jojo +, writes (16 August 2005):
its a hard situation your in but there is only one way it will go and that is to brake up and both move on with your lives. Shes blackmailing you to get what she wants because it has worked in the past and she doesent understand why it is not working this time, thats why she is now threatening self harm because she doesent know what else to do. Brake up with her gently by saying "you know its hard but you can still be friends" that way she knows you will still be around. As for the self harm i dont think she will do it because that would not just hurt you but her family aswell and i don't think thats what she wants, i think she justs wants to punish you because your ending the relationship and shes angry. Last of all never ever feel guilty for wanting to move on and have a life for yourself, after all you only get one chance at this life and you should enjoy every minute of it, because lifes to short to be unhappy. Good luck take care jojox
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reader, becky05 +, writes (26 July 2005):
People who threaten to hurt themselves very rarely do so.
she is using this to keep you with her.
All you can do is end the relationship and move on.
If she does harm herself then you are NOT to blame, she must learn to realise that she cannot depend on one person for her happiness.
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female
reader, marn +, writes (25 July 2005):
this is a hard ine! you need to get into her head you dont want to be with her! to be honest she most probly is bliffing about the whole self harm thing. you need to get out of it now! its all blackmail love, dont let the botch do that to you any more, the longer you leave it the harder it will be to get away! remeber you have a life to but if you dont get out away from her then you wont have one anymore! tell someone close to her like a friend or a memeber of the family to keep an eye on her to stop her from self harming, if she actually has any intention of doing it! get out of it mate!
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female
reader, Ask MiMi +, writes (25 July 2005):
That's a chance you will have to take! It is very commendable that you will stick around to ensure that she does not hurt herself, but, if this lady loved you, she would not black mail you like that! She would not try to make you stay, when you want to leave. She would not hinder you from pursuing your goals. As harsh as it sounds, you need to make it clear to her that it is over and make it a clean shot. Don't call, or email or text. You need for her to get the point that you are serious, and not send mixed signals. You can tell her that when she has healed, you both may be friends.
Sounds like this girl has some growing up to do still. Don't allow her to keep you back in life. She will survive. Again I will say, don't send mixed signals to her. Be clear about your intentions to end the relationship.
All the best to you.
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (25 July 2005):
 OH Not good. I am sorry for you. Do this, if she has a therapist (and she should,) call him/her and tell her what you told us.
If she does not, find a couple’s counselor and make an appointment. While there tell him/her what you told us. If you have the money, offer to pay for a month’s worth of counseling. If you do not and you really believe that she will hurt herself, and if you live in the US you can call the police prior to the day you plan to end it and find out your options. In Ca. They will 5150 her if she threatens to harm or kill herself. That basically means that violence to you or herself, being illegal and psycho, will end her up under psychiatric care for I think it is 48 to 72 hours.
You are correct to call it emotional blackmail. She could just be manipulating you and hoping to get you back in the meantime. Do not let her get into this habit if you ever cared. She should suffer the consequences of her choice so that she will be less inclined to pull it again or follow through for the sympathy but end up killing herself instead.
Finally, call her family and let them know what your plan is. Tell them that you do care and are worried but that the relationship is clearly not good for her either. Give them the option to intervene instead of authorities. This way you can get them to take responsibility for her and she is off your conscience.
If you can do this where immediate help is available, you have done your duty to be a good man, what she does is her business. I know it would hurt if she did do something, but that is less likely than it feels like. And if she did, that would be her choice -not yours. Do one of the above and you've done what you could.
PS. . . (CA code #5150 code for forced psych. review on those who are dangerous to themselves or others. Any person who is suicidal would fit this but I know of this only because my mom does foster care and we have had to use it on three occasions. It is a very nice fall back plan when you are all out of options. I suggest that if you go this route do not use it as a punishment. That is don't threaten it but find out early the process and do not tell her in advance. The service should be available in every state but could be under a different name- the police will know. Europe has the same concept. Call the station in advance if you need more info.)
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2005): You have a choice of whether to live life for yourself or for someone else. You need to remove yourself from this relationship and it won't be easy. Breaking up is hard enough to do, but it’s even harder when someone is issuing threats. She’s got the upper hand. You say you want to leave, but you can’t follow through. So she’s got you where she wants you. That’s a fact. What we don’t know is: Are her threats hollow (is she’s a manipulative)? Or, is this really legit (meaning she’s in need of some professional help)? something to think about..some people threaten and never follow through.
She is holding you captive, with your own burden of misplaced guilt and she herself has a very serious co-dependent problem. It is not as much about you as it is about herself. What she does to herself is not and cannot fall on your shoulders. It is not about you and is much more about her mental state. She really needs professional help...the state of mind she's in is not healthy..you are like an obssession to her.
What I see here is that you, must learn how to stand on your own two feet and take care of yourself. Get out of your own patterns which have enabled you to be dependent. Once you leave, do so with respect and honesty and do so, for good. It is obvious that for a time you simply should not communicate with her and not see her at all, until you are positive that she is completely over you and she is independent of you. It may he a long time.
If she threatens to hurt herself you must put your foot down and let her know you will not take responsibility in that and will not let her manipulate you with threats real or not. You have to get this under control and start living your own life as happily as you can! You owe it to yourself. I would suggest you make this break clean and please be compassionate...she seems such a troubled soul. Please have someone come and stay with her after you have spoken to her. And please alert her family to her problems and her threats of self-harm. Hopefully they can persuade her to get the professional help she needs. Good luck
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