A
female
age
30-35,
*urricanegirl19
writes:My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for nearly 2 years - at least 18 months of which have been based on serious long term commitment to each other with the future in mind. We have an average sex life. I have accepted that I am a more sexual person than my partner, he doesn't seem very interested in sex beyond vanilla, he doesn't masturbate regularly if at all, he refuses to talk candidly about his desires or fantasies. A few months ago I attempted to bring up the idea of sharing fantasies and he rebuffed me rudely and made me feel stupid for even suggesting it. I shook it off and tried again a few weeks later, again he shut me down straight away - not only did it make me feel embarrassed laying myself out for him to reject, but also he made me feel like he wasn't attracted to me at all. In the past I have had really good sexual experiences that were more than just vanilla sex and I tried to explain to him that i need something more to make me feel satisfied in bed and I would love to do that with him. No matter how softly I tried to tell him he took it as a personal attack on his 'manhood' and closed up even more. I find his reluctance to even acknowledge the idea and act of 'sex' in a conversation weird and not normal. After a period of contemplation I then tried to get him to open up, with the aim to making him more comfortable with talking about sex full stop. I asked him about his past, what he liked what he wants to try and - yes you guessed - he denied me again. Again laying myself out and putting my heart on my sleeve I told him about what I've enjoyed, what I'd like to do. He completely flipped, he said I was 'nasty' a 'whore' and 'messed up' and I have to say there was nothing deviant in what i suggested. I'm just a 24 year old girl who loves sex. But the way he shamed me and made me feel disgusting has left a bad taste in my mouth. Why should I suffer in silence when i have been frank, open and willing to accommodate his preferences. I have tried to talk with him like adults should and he knocks me down at each turn and cuts me off. We both know we want to be together for the rest of our lives, so why shouldn't he at least try to open up and become more interested in my sexual desires? I have to for him, otherwise no one would have sex in our relationship. I feel like he doesn't see the sacrifices i make to accommodate him, more importantly the way I just offer myself up to him for his rejection each time I try to work anything out. The more he pushes me away and shames me for my sexual fantasies the more I find myself considering how we can stay together or worst cheating to keep myself happy with a man I love and don't want to leave. He just won't communicate. My boyfriend is an American (Atheist), though I have wondered that coming from such a conservative country might have a impact on how he perceives sex?When he called me 'nasty' what does that mean in US terms? Here in the UK it means dirty like rubbish, stinky. Am I in the wrong? Have I pushed him too far? Am I really a disgusting slut? Or is he pushing me away?Any help is appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2014): OP, I wrote that you were BOTH trying to force your desires on each other. What I mean by that is, you KEEP trying to ask for more openness and he is not comfortable giving it, the same way he keeps telling you his way (as well as being nasty and rude) and expecting you to just accept it, when it's not enough for you (which is okay, but it means he's not right for you and vice versa).
A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (7 August 2014):
Get rid of this censorious puritanical bore so he can find someone who will refrigerate his bed to the sub-zero temperature he obviously enjoys. In contrast somewhere out there is a man who will make you an absolutely delightful partner in crime, and he's wishing he knew where to find you.
Don't deny either of you the chance to meet.
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A
female
reader, hurricanegirl19 +, writes (7 August 2014):
hurricanegirl19 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your comments everyone.
I feel like some of you are on the right wave length with this. Other seem to have shot off in the wrong direction entirely.
There is only so much you can do to create a safe and constructive conversation in an adult manner, only to have it thrown back at you. I feel - like some of you have said, this indicates his own insecurity and inability to admit his own desires to himself.
I think it is quite clear from my OP that the timescales, types of conversation or the way i asked was in no way forceful, uncaring or selfish. I believe it is important as adults who intend on living the rest of their lived together to be frank and honest about a lot of things.
We do truly love each other and like many couples have issues to work through, but I am glad to say that he has told me and shown me that he is trying to be more vocal about asking what i want and what he wants me to do for him in all aspects of our relationship. a step forward can only be healthy.
Lastly - His outbursts were upsetting to me, yet I know it isn't the first or last time it will happen. That is my only concern now.
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A
female
reader, hurricanegirl19 +, writes (7 August 2014):
hurricanegirl19 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA female reader, jls022 United Kingdom + ?, writes (6 August 2014):
The fact he only likes vanilla sex is ok. The fact he refuses to discuss anything sexual, and verbally abuses you for trying to do so, is not. If he can't even speak to you, his partner and the person he wants to spend his life with, about his fantasies then what chance do you have? This guy sounds like he has a lot of issues. Have you suggested relationship counselling?
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I have no issue with him wanting only Vanilla, that's totally cool and I love it too. But if he wants to satisfy me the way he says he wants to he has to accept I need a tiny bit more.
He does have a lot of issues that need urgent attention, I have suggested CBT therapy for him on his own, but he doesn't want help.
Ultimately what this seems to always boil down to, is that I am way more accepting and prepared to accommodate and compromise for him, but never the other way around. This is in all aspects of our relationship.
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A
female
reader, hurricanegirl19 +, writes (7 August 2014):
hurricanegirl19 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2014):
Can't you see what's really going on here? You're not compatible sexually. He only wants/agrees with vanilla sex (which IS normal and okay - including not feeling comfortable talking about it candidly!) and expects you to only want/do what he wants/does in the bedroom, but now you're trying to force YOUR experimental desires on him and he's not happy with that, just like you're not happy with just vanilla sex. Your both expecting the other to do what you want sexually and you're just not compatible.
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OK, so inviting him to share past experiences and enjoy talking about sexual desires in a comfortable and safe no judgmental way is 'forcing' my ideas on him?
Not at all.
Slut shaming me and calling me a nasty whore is abusive at best AND more importantly a better example of someone 'forcing' their beliefs and preconceived notions on another.
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A
female
reader, hurricanegirl19 +, writes (7 August 2014):
hurricanegirl19 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhenCowsAttack
You should never be shamed for sharing your fantasies. This is a horrible breach of trust. You are NOT nasty and NOT a whore, but you are in a relationship with someone who is not compatible with you. His slut shaming of you is a reflection on his own insecurity. Please, please leave this relationship.
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Thankyou! I feel like I am going insane. Whats worse than the obvious slut shaming and the personal attack is his assumption that 'experienced and knows what she wants in bed' equals a less than pure past. I won't justify my choices to anyone ever, but to assume that someone has to be a sexual deviant or a pervert to like some kinkier sex acts is ignorant and stupid.
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A
female
reader, hurricanegirl19 +, writes (7 August 2014):
hurricanegirl19 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2014):
Sometimes I wonder where girls learn certain sexual preferences from and begin to think they learn this from past guys which I do not want to really think about because it makes me feel as if those guys where good enough to give her something she enjoyed and not me.
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I totally understand this point of view and in light of facts I haven't disclosed it seems like a plausible explanation for his anger towards me. I know for sure that he has only been in one long term relationship, and that was mostly long distance between the states and here in the UK, so I am pretty sure he hasn't had much sexual experience - although he does not want to talk about it.
As for the comment on where girls learn certain acts? Maybe that's a bigger problem in society. I know in my youth I have felt pressured by TV, Films, fashion models, pornography and more importantly Boyfriends, to sexualise myself in a way that is deemed attractive. Like I said, thats an issue with society and the people who over sexualise women but actively reject "whores" "sluts" and "skanks" as long term marriage potential. You can't have it both ways.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (6 August 2014):
The fact he only likes vanilla sex is ok. The fact he refuses to discuss anything sexual, and verbally abuses you for trying to do so, is not. If he can't even speak to you, his partner and the person he wants to spend his life with, about his fantasies then what chance do you have? This guy sounds like he has a lot of issues. Have you suggested relationship counselling?
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (6 August 2014):
 The two of you are sexually incompatible. You both want different things. The thing you need to decide right now is whether that is enough to end your 2 year relationship over. If you want to have boring, plain old vanilla sex for the rest of your life then so be it but if you can't see that in your future then perhaps it's time to move on. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Staceily  +, writes (6 August 2014):
 You are not disgusting. Like the other aunts have said, you are very sexually incompatible. I think if he is only into vanilla sex that is okay, it's his life and what he likes. It is NOT okay to call you dirty (in this case dirty being synonymous with slut or skank) or a whore. Those statements alone would have me leaving this relationship. You haven't gone to him calling him boring and lame with his vanilla sexual preferences, how is it okay for him to call you a whore for what you like? I don't care what you are into, no one who loves you and has respect for you should ever talk to you that way. There's a reason it left a bad taste in your mouth.
Think very hard about a future with him. You will forgo any sexual fulfillment for the rest of your life. The boredom and resentment will set in, even if you seem okay with it right now. Anyone who goes a long period of time without having their needs met grows resentment. And likely the vanilla sex will end up doing nothing for you over time and you will pass on the activity altogether. Sexual compatibility is a very important component in a relationship. As is being able to communicate your wants and needs in a safe environment without being judged. You have neither of those here.
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reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (6 August 2014):
Dear OP,
If you want to stay together with him for the rest of your life.. be prepared for a life of sexual frustration.
The problem is not the way you communicate, but that you two will never agree on what is HOT and what is NOT. No matter how you phrase it. Vanilla will stay vanilla, unless he is curious about your world in the first place. But calling you a nasty whore shows no interest at all and I don't think this can be fixed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2014): Can't you see what's really going on here? You're not compatible sexually. He only wants/agrees with vanilla sex (which IS normal and okay - including not feeling comfortable talking about it candidly!) and expects you to only want/do what he wants/does in the bedroom, but now you're trying to force YOUR experimental desires on him and he's not happy with that, just like you're not happy with just vanilla sex. Your both expecting the other to do what you want sexually and you're just not compatible.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (6 August 2014):
You should never be shamed for sharing your fantasies. This is a horrible breach of trust. You are NOT nasty and NOT a whore, but you are in a relationship with someone who is not compatible with you. His slut shaming of you is a reflection on his own insecurity. Please, please leave this relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2014): While there is nothing wrong with your preferences and you were very mature in trying to discuss a topic normally most people avoid could it be that he correlates your wants with other past partners? Being an American (Atheist) myself I can see where your bf is coming from (Mindset wise). Sometimes I wonder where girls learn certain sexual preferences from and begin to think they learn this from past guys which I do not want to really think about because it makes me feel as if those guys where good enough to give her something she enjoyed and not me.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 August 2014):
 I think he was using " nasty " in the sense of "obscene ", " indecent " " morally corrupt ". Dirty, but as in "a dirty mind "- not that you don't wash yourself enough.
Whoa. To react like this, yes, I guess you have pushed HIM too far. Note : HIM , i.e. this particular guy with his personal hang ups, - not that sharing fantasies and being open about sexual needs is a wrong thing.
Perhaps you 'll have to accept that there's sexual incompatibility between you. You can lead a horse to the water but you can't make it drink.
You have tried your best, in a honest yet, IMO, tactful, intelligent, respectful way- and he still won't have it. If that it's because of his upbringing, past experiences, culture, or just his personal mental make up and sexual style, we have no idea, - the fact is, sexually you are mismatched. Not only you are kinkier and more adventurous and experimental than him, but it seems you can't find a compromise, like you lower your expectations and he becomes a tad more inventive... Apparently it's his way ( only vanilla ) or nothing at all.
I know it sucks since you are compatible out of the bed and planning to spend the rest of your life together, but you have to be brave and think if it is actually feasible.
If you stay with him, you might have to give up any chance of a fulfilling sex life forever. It is a huge sacrifice, and only you can decide if this guy is actually so great that he's worth it.
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