A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have recently talked about having sex for the first time, he would normally wait until marriage but because we love each other and are both willing, he said we wouldn't have to wait(plus we are planning to get married in the next few years). Also he is a virgin and I am his first serious girlfriend, but I was in a couple serious relationships before this one and I had sex with my previous boyfriend. My current boyfriend and I are very open and honest with each other so I told him about my past. He's trying to be understanding, but the fact that I've been with another man hurts him deeply and he's not sure if he'll be able to get over it. Which I can understand, but am struggling too..my last relationship was abusive and I finally got out of it, but it has left a scar on my heart. I have been trying to move past it but it has been difficult and it pains me to think about the past as well. I love him very much and he treats me with so much love and respect, but I am afraid that if he never gets past this then we won't be able to stay together. God has forgiven me, why can't he? ;_;Sorry this is so long-winded...any advice is appreciated! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (11 January 2012):
 Fact is, it should not matter. If it does, he does not love you.
A
male
reader, PortOr +, writes (2 February 2011):
 Stay away from this guy ... I know it would hurt ... but it would save you from future issues. Its a big thing for a man like him ... but what surprises me is that he said OK for sex before marriage to you. So if you persist, you are sure to get into emotional trouble.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (2 February 2011):
 I think the bottom line here is to give him some time to get used to the fact that you've been with another man. He probably presumed you were a virgin and he's been disappointed that that isn't true anymore.
I find it slightly hypocritical, however, that he wants to have sex with you (prior to marriage) and yet scolds you for having sex with someone else -- someone you presumably loved at one point. He is holding you a higher standard than he is of himself.
Ultimately, there is nothing you can do to change the past. It's up to him if he wants to stay in this relationship or not. Hopefully he won't use this fact as a weapon over you and emotionally abuse you over it. If he does, I'd think twice about whether this guy is right for you.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): Yes, you got out of a relationship that was abusive. You will be entering a Mentally/emotionally abusive relationship if you continue with this. This guy is already showing you he is not going to cope well with the fact you have been with someone else before him. I have this issue with my husband. I have been with him going on 7 years now and I hear about this one person this one time that was long before i met my husband way too often. It has prevented me from actually letting go of it. He constantly brings it up how can you forget? I want to forget but my husband does not he keeps it constantly in our life. not fun. I would suggest WAITING until this guy feels better about himself b/c truely it is about himself nothing that you have done is wrong. nothing that you can do can make it better. He can only deal with it and cope thats it. Dont get into somthing like this.
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A
female
reader, Lotsalove. +, writes (2 February 2011):
 My advice is as straightforward as ever.
He is the only person that can deal with this. You, your ex, nobody can change the past, what's done is done. Your boyfriend needs to see eventhough you have had a sexual history with somebody else, it was an abusive relationship and now you have said your with somebody who loves and respects you, and so becoming intimate with each other will 'put the icing on the cake' if you like.
But remember when talking to your man, try not to go into too much detail about your sexual history as this may make it harder for him to understand. If you do other sexual things such as oral.. even kissing him, show him and tell him how much you enjoy it, this may encourage him alot more. If everything fails, maybe you need to give him some space so he can realise how much he loves you and needs to be with you.
Good Luck!! :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): You have gone from a man that used to abuse you, to one that is going to use the fact that you had sex with someone else to as his weapon to “beat” you with, and make you feel less of yourself. You haven’t done anything wrong, this was BEFORE, he met you, you didn’t cheat on him.
If he wants a virgin then he is going to have to find one.
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A
female
reader, viccra78 +, writes (2 February 2011):
I hate to state the obvious but there is nothing to forgive here. The past is the past and there is nothing you or he can do to change it.
Everyone has something in their past that they aren't proud of but you shouldn't have to ask for forgiveness for them especially from someone who was non-existant at the time.
Don't be so hard on yourself, you aren't a bad person and you have nothing to feel bad about!
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