A
female
age
51-59,
*ee4ever
writes:I'm very confused about my boyfriends feelings for me. We didn't start in an ideal way, we were both married and left our spouses because we knew after a couple of months that we wanted to be together. He is currently living with me, everything happened fast. We met, fell in love and after 2 months he filed for divorce and moved in with me. I've been separated for over 2 years and knew I didn't want to return to my husband but was afraid to divorce him because he said he would make me sorry. My boyfriend and I are a perfect fit. We rarely argue and seem to have a mellow attitude together. The problem is that he feels extremely guilty about cheating on his wife. He is frequently depressed over it. He says he has no plans to return to her and I've met and hung out with his family on more than a dozen occasions. They know we are living together and love each other. She keeps trying to get her back and his guilt co-mingled with residual feelings keep them attached somehow. He says he loves me and the divorce will be final soon. I'm afraid his guilt will make him go back. We talk about this a lot and he always says that he cares about her because they were together 15 years but that he loves and want to be with me. Also another thing to mention is that he hides his phone messages and this is creating trust problems in the relationship. Need to know if he is showing enough care for the short time we've been together. Am I pushing too much too soon? My divorce hasn't begun (more complicated) but I know he's the one for me. Thanks for reading.
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depressed, divorce, fell in love, moved in Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2010): Statistically, everyone knocking you down here is right.
But statistics are statistics. There are so many variables that can affect these analyses that it's not really fair to beat you up. You have asked a question that's important to you and here's my input:
I personally know of a couple with a very similar story. They were both married to other people when they met, fell in love, had an affair and ultimately divorced their spouses. They are still together and, seemingly, very happy. One thing I think was very smart of them: they did not get married.
On the other hand, I know of another couple who took a similar track only to have it all go sour and they both ended up divorced and lonely.
The bottom line is that you really have to look at all the underlying variables to have a fair analysis. With that being said, my gut is that he is rightly struggling with guilt and the propriety of some of his decisions. However, he will ultimately get over that and stay with you, but only if you remain "safe." Don't pressure him, stress him, etc. Just understand him and keep the things that have made your relationship strong going.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (18 September 2010):
 You need to start your divorce proceedings as soon as possible because after so long of going through one(in some states) they will declare you legally divorced.
Of course he's not going to exchange "I love you's" when you're sitting right there. Those 3 words are often tossed around like they're nothing...Actions speak louder than words.
No one is knocking you down, we are just going on what we see, and from personal experience whether it's our own parents or friends we've seen this happen to time and time again. Personally, I don't condone affairs it's much easier to stray than working on the issues at hand in your own marriage. And if the love was never really there in the first place or he was abusive then you should have never got married and had a child in the first place. Again my opinion, but your an optimist and were just realists. Maybe you could prove us wrong..but as Caring Guy pointed out the statistics the odds aren't in your favor.
Ultimately, you're going to keep on clinging to that 12% tile.
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A
female
reader, Bee4ever +, writes (18 September 2010):
Bee4ever is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to clarify that I have not lived with my husband for over 2 years and he is aware I am dating but will not give me a divorce. My friends say he was abusive and are happy I am with a man that treats me well. My bf and his soon to be ex filed jointly. He TOLD her he loved me and has said so in front of her. The abuse he suffered was physical as well and witnessed by friends and family who have commented to me that he deserved better. I have been with him when she calls (she doesn't know I'm sitting next to him) and there is never an I love you or I miss you exchanged. It was VERY VERY wrong that he didn't leave her first but I feel this relationship is very very right. We are so compatable and I was hoping to hear from people who would support me, not knock me down.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2010): Well Bee, I think you just do not get what Ask older sister is trying to tell you. You have made up your mind and no matter what proof You get that you are wrong you selfishly stuck to your guns. Your friends have told you, the aunts here have told you, yet you selfishly carry on in the manner you have become accustomed to. You claim his wife verbally abused him: so what for harsh words between hb and wife. A screaming match? Who gives a sh1t, bec it is HER hb! One thing I find is that your married man perhaps does have a conscious after all: he is wrecked with guilt but YOU have no qualms whatsoever for all your wrongdoing. You justify your actions and you are so defensive when questioned. You are not accountable for your actions and you thought Nothing to destroy another persons life. Just bec you helped destroy your marriage, you had no respect for your hb and marriage, you expect your MM to do the same as well. Your lovers so called depression is an indication that his wrongdoing, his emotional trauma he is putting his wife through is eating him up. It means he knows he through his wife and proper family life away just for a quick f*ck. It means that if he could go back and perhaps do things differently, he would. Don't be too quick to judge his wife and believe that she is horrible. Remember she is still his wife and whether they divorce or not, he will still be linked to her.
You cannot understand a proper relationship and marriage bec you have never had a decent relationship yourself. Therefore you trivialize his feelings. Having great sex with you is one thing,living a decent life with you is another. You may have gotten your married man darling, but you will NEVER be able to destroy his feelings for his wife.
I think bec you have no clue what marriage is all about you have had no qualms taking another woman's husband. Being so called single, away from your hb, I think you feel you are entitled to this man. Becareful, when that wheel turns .
You may have replaced his wife in his bed, but you will never replace her in his life. That is the difference bet his marriage and your one, therefore you have no cooking clue what bond he has with his wife.
I am glad his wife started divorce proceedings, at least she can get the sh1t over and start a life without the mess that she is facing. Don't be too quick to judge his wife, my dear, those fingers are pointing right back at you.
-LoveGirl
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female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (18 September 2010):
 I'm a little confused too, because you are sort of talking out of two sides of your mouth.
You said you met and you were both married and you both left your spouses because you knew you wanted to be together and in only two months (either after a period of an emotional affair or really just in two months after meeting--not sure, it's not clear) he moved in with you.
So you are justifying things by saying that you remained friends for two months before deciding to leave your spouses, but you also say you were separated for two years.
Do you really think this is a good sign that this man could leave a 15 year relationship and fall in love in a couple of months and live with you? Don't you think that is quite impulsive behavior? He didn't even have to think on it to do that, to leave a 15 year relationship? Surely he must have been in love with his wife, too, surely he knew that they were meant to be together some 15 years ago...but he wasn't going to be a go the distance, committed guy...do you think his distancing behavior of hiding his phone messages and admitting feelings of regret over his wife could possibly be that same impulsiveness that made him fall in love with you so quickly?
Do you really know this man well enough after a couple of months that he is a perfect fit for you just because you haven't had an argument yet? Have you ever heard of a thing called a first fight? Do you know if you two can even survive a first fight? Or do you know how you will handle conflict since you haven't had any yet? In your last marriage, did issues ever come up that you disagreed on in your marriage? Do you think that will eventually happen to this blissful union?
You aren't the other woman because you are now living with him and you aren't being hidden from his family? OK, well, if that is how you see it...the guy was married, he met you, marriage broken....by most people's definition that makes you the other woman, a "home wrecker".
Did you know that most men who cheat on their wives, have cheated more than once? Do you think maybe his wife yelled and screamed at him in front of his family because perhaps he has done this to her before? Maybe you should ask her...if she ever had this feeling in her gut before that he cheated on her.....or does that even matter to you?
Do you believe that a person's past behavior is the best predictor of their future behavior? Most professional psychologists will tell you that's true.
I don't know how you can deal with your insecurities in this relationship. Do you want to be told to not pay attention to red flags in this man's behavior? What purpose would that serve you? You are insecure for a reason, you just haven't really thought this through.
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female
reader, Bee4ever +, writes (18 September 2010):
Bee4ever is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAsk Older Sister you are correct in some if the things you say but are still judging me based on what 80% of the population is like. Both he and I remained friends for awhile before deciding to move forward with divorces and starting a relationship. You forget I am not the "other woman" since we spend weekends with his parents, aunts, cousins and friends. Sometimes people do find the one they are meant to be with the second time around. It's honorable he feels guilty and justly so, what we both did was wrong. I am insecure in the relationship because he cannot let her go and was merely wanting advice on how to deal with my insecurities. I know I am a terrible role model to my son for doing what I did but in the end I am happy I chose love over being in a bad marriage.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 September 2010):
I can't say you're right. I really hope you are though, for your sake.
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female
reader, Bee4ever +, writes (17 September 2010):
Bee4ever is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI also wanted to add that his friends and family have come to me and told me that his wife was abusive with him verbally and physically in front of them and that they are glad to see him so happy. He has commented that I am more compatable in a thousand more ways than his wife ever was. I think guilt is what keeps him still attached but I'm hoping that goes away once he realizes he deserves better (even if not from me). Missing his wife is something that is normal after being together so many years. I was like him once but being separated for over 2 years from my husband has kept that wall up. The very last thing I didn't mention is that I have a young son that he adores. I just don't see him playing with both my son and my emotions. Someone please tell me I'm right?
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A
female
reader, Bee4ever +, writes (17 September 2010):
Bee4ever is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses. Overwhelmingly my friends have warned me that he might still leave me. I was curious if other people thought this as well given the circumstances.
I know my letter was long but I do want to point out the positives. 1. his wife did file for divorce and depending on how long that process takes it's 6 months tmrw from filing date. 2. We did rush everything but I think it's because we both knew what we wanted. 3. I have met and hung out with his family so I sm not being kept a secret. I'm hopping these reasons help in justifying why it can last. Domaines got to be the 12% right?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 September 2010):
There is a reason that women are urged to keep away from married men! No, not just the moral reason (we'll set that aside). I'm talking about technical reasons.
Here is the fact that will affect you. Did you know that when a man leaves his wife for his mistress, there is only a 12% chance that it will work out? The other 88% of the time, he will either go back to the wife or move on from the mistress. Happens a lot. Read about it on this site.
So, you have your work cut out. You're sure you love him. But you cannot be sure he loves you, even though you say so. His guilt, his depression, the 'connection' they still have are major red flags and huge indicators that he will either go back to her, or move on from you. He's also now hiding his messages, which is creating trust problems before you've even got started. After all, if he cheated on his wife, why not you too?
I would URGE you to reconsider this. I'd suggest that you two have a break and each focus on your own problems at this time. You have a divorce you need to sort, and God knows where your boyfriend's head is at. But he's not in this relationship, and I think he needs to prove himself before you can do anything else with him.
I think you're setting yourself up for a lot of heartache, and you need to be prepared for it.
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