A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Yesterday morning I did a pregnancy test and it came up positive but I don't know how many weeks yet.I have no desire to be a mum or ever have a baby I just don't like them so I knew straight away that abortion is the only option.However my boyfriend wants me to keep it and has called me selfish for wanting to have an abortion. He told me that if I go through with an abortion he will finish with me. So that is emotional blackmail right? Anyhow I am sticking to my guns because I will not be forced into something I don't want to do yet have in my life.He hasn't even thought about what having this baby could do to me, I will be the one carrying it round for 9 months, I'm the one who will be putting on the weight, I'm the one who will actually have to give birth, I'm the one that will have to spend all day caring for it, feeding it, changing it, I am the one who will be doing everything whilst he sits back and can still do everything he wants to I would be sacrafising everything and he won't have to give up anything.I know how people feel about abortion but I believe that it is the right thing for me to do as I just don't want any children. How can I explain that to my bf without him thinking I am being selfish?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to update had my abortion yesterday afternoon and my boyfriend came with me.
I can honestly say I don't regret my decision one bit.
I don't really know what is going on with my relationship at the minute because he hasn't left me but I think it might be best if we go our seperate ways anyway!
And I really appreciate the post from the last person, thank you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2009): I was in your same situation about two months ago. Abortion wasn't an option for my boyfriend nor his family. But my family said I was way to young, and they werent willing to watch me give up my whole life for this guy and our baby.
Ulimately, at the end, he had convinced me to keep it. My parents were impressed, considering I am only fifteen and it basically chewed them up and spit them out.
The day of my schedule Abortion, I knew I had to make a choice. Either go, or don't go and I chose to go and I am glad I did, because after that he ran away with his ex girlfriend. So this just shows me what type of guy he really is.
Whatever you decide to do, good luck and remember that if your boyfriend really loved you, he would understand and love you through whatever desicion you decided to make. If he doesn't like it, then tell him you'll give birth to it and hand it over to him and walk..
I know you wouldnt really do that, but you know what I mean. Guys don't really understand the whole thing, they just think the girl has the baby and life goes on.
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reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (4 October 2009):
 This is a hot topic and We have jumped on it as a way to talk about what we want to talk about to the exclusion of what the original poster asked, and needed to know.
You asked, "How can I explain that to my bf without him thinking I am being selfish?" and further explained, "he isn't willing to let me say all that I want to."
We have pretty much covered all the angles we can think about. It comes down to He is not giving her the courtesy of fully hearing her out, or She believes that if she just talks long enough he will magically come around to her point of view. Or, a combination of both. I don't usually think that couples intimate conversations should be moderated like a formal debate, but sometimes the feelings get in the way to such an extent that communication breaks down. Then a counselor gets involved. I'm not sure that you need a counselor, a trusted friend that both of you can accept, perhaps someone older who can be impartial. Actually Counselors have the training for exactly this. You need enough time to explain without name calling or excessive repeating. He needs time to reply. You need time to reply to his reply. Then you have to accept his feelings as being as valid as yours. And he needs to accept that your feelings are a valid as his.
You may not agree even after complete communication. The important thing is that you respect each other enough to listen calmly to each others feelings. The relationship is broken because you two are not communicating. This is a very important thing to communicate about. (I think we can all agree on that)
As far as advice on how to communicate this stick to the facts. Feelings are facts too. Don't make accusations. No name calling. Remain calm. If you have to stop and take 3 deep breaths, then do it. Acknowledge that he has qualities that you admire. Explain why he is important to you. Explain that this was a decision that you made long before you became pregnant. (So he doesn't think you acted in haste) Think a minute (use a watch) before you reply to his reply. Make sure that you are giving him the answer that you most want to give him. Because you do not get to keep trying to change his mind.
To me that sounds reasonable. Perhaps you would make a change that both of you could agree to. The important thing is to communicate. Remember that if one person does 90% of the talking then it is not communicating.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): I appreciate you responding to my post, and doing it in a way that was not attacking me, which I admit some of my points may have come across that way originally, and I sincerely apologize.
Anyway, it seemed you were eager to keep him because you were saying he's threatening to leave and is blackmailing you - but that implied to me that you want him to stay and not leave. If you're not wanting to keep him, then why does it matter if he stays or chooses to move on?
And, as for the financial support, you seem somewhat torn. You say he has a dream job and may support you only financially, and that he won't have to give anything up, but when I suggested that he might give stuff up you seemed to not want him to because then he couldn't support you financially. I didn't mean to say he should just become a bum and not work at all, I meant maybe getting a different job with more flexiable hours, possibly part time.
Anyway, again, that's not what you were asking, and I'm sorry I kinda avoided the question. As I said before, I don't think you'll get him to see your point of view just because you both are at such odds about it. It is your choice what to do with your baby, and I respect that. I personally am against abortions, but I understand that it's your body and that you will have to deal with things to do with pregnancy and giving birth. If you don't think this guy wants to be with you, and if you're not eager to have him stay, then maybe YOU should leave HIM and find someone who shares your opinions and goals a bit more. I hope this clarified what I meant before some.
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reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (3 October 2009):
 You can explain it to your boyfriend in easy and simple terms: Your decision is yours. If he doesn't see it, then he doesn't want to see it. Therefore he won't take both views into consideration. Only his.
Your decision, whatever it is, is still yours not his.
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reader, rcn +, writes (3 October 2009):
 I'm sure you know that everything we do in life will have a positive or negative consequence. You're going to do what you want, and the negative consequence is loosing your boyfriend. This is because your actions go directly against his beliefs, but by having the abortion you accept his breaking up as the consequence of this decision. Therefore, his understanding would be irrelevant to your choice.
As you're adamant to your decision, sounds like he is to his. As the saying, "you can't have your cake and eat it too." Some people are firm with their beliefs, and won't budge. You won't from your decision, as he can't be expected to from his. For me, I can't stand cheaters. If I'm cheated on, because of the respect and love I have for myself, I have to end it, no matter how I feel about them, because I am firm I won't be treated that way, or give chances to allow further bad treatment. That to, I wouldn't be expected to change my belief because someone I'm with doesn't see it that way. "Everyone deserves a second chance." Maybe so, but not in that area.
Although you can't create a contract on life, this is similar to an "implied contract", meaning you understand the terms, "abortion = loose boyfriend." So, when you get this done, you'll need to just step aside and let him go. Just as when someone cheats. It's the sole decision of the one who's cheated on whether to forgive and continue or move on without the actor.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): Hi!
First of all, people should leave the original poster alone. She didn't ask what she should do with the baby- it was about her boyfriend.
Also, if the baby IS coming into the picture, then it is her choice and no-one elses. It will be HER that has to be pregnant, HER that has to give birth. He will have his job and career her career will be non existent as she will have to wave goodbye to uni. I hope others understand I am not generalising this, plenty of mum's don't have this situation, but the OP has stated that this will be the consequences.
Anyway, I think you should explain how you feel to your boyfriend. You have never wanted kids. You don't want to be pregnant etc. Don't let people on her put you down. You do what YOU WANT! :) X
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): The way I look at this story is and some of the answers given is: This girl is being victimized by people who are answering just because she wants an abortion. People need to understand that she obviously has thought it through and by the sounds of things, No she isn't going to be affected by the aftermath of having an abortion because she feels so strongly about not having children. At the end of the day it is solely her decision it is growing inside of her so actually her bf/the father has no say in the matter even though it is half his baby too.Her reasons do sound selfish in some ways. But I think that is down to the way she wrote them myself. Her bf sounds as if he is being just as selfish too by not letting her explain her reasons properly.Yes it is going to hurt him especially because he wants to keep the baby. But he understood as she has said from the start that she does not want children, so he can't expect that by him saying that the relationship is over if she has an abortion that she is will keep the baby to keep him happy because that is completely unreasonable to her.Also the other way I look at the answers given is that if the girl wanted to keep the baby and her bf wanted her to get an abortion no one would even take into consideration how he felt even though it is half his baby. So why just because he wants to keep the baby is everybody agreeing that it would be best to keep/adopt the baby. That is not the best thing for the girl who would actually be carrying/giving birth to a baby she doesn't want?I think the decision is completely yours the best thing you should do is try sit your bf down and tell him exatcly why it is you think that an abortion is the best option for you. And that if he wants to end the relationship after the abortion that is choice and respect how he feels about the situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"I'd also like to add, that if you think this guy is so horrible (which is how it sounds, what with the drugs, gambling, etc) then why are you so eager to keep him?"Errm who said I was eager to keep him? That was no where in my post.Also..."What if he's willing to leave that 'dream job' to help raise and take care of the kid?"Then who is meant to financially support the "family"? If he has no job in turn there would be no money coming in."You get upset for him not seeing your point of view but you fail to open your own mind to other opinions. Like his, or the ones presented on this site."No I don't fail to open my mind to other opinions at all. People are failing to realise that the other options available are not the right ones for me. So if everyone took into consideration what I have already said about the other options, instead of just repeating what others have said. Because under no circumstances am I changing my mind.
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reader, Rivermeetsanend +, writes (3 October 2009):
Obviously, if you are that adamant about not having children as he is about having them, I don't see much long term potential for this relationship. That said, if you do not want children, you are not obligated to have them...just because you are a woman. You will not experience mental anguish in regards to having an abortion UNLESS you did it against your will. There is NO SUCH THING as Post Abortion Syndrome, or any other funny term you've heard to describe such a thing. That term was coined by pro-lifers to deter women from having abortions, among many other things. It is not real, and certainly will not be found in any DSM-IV(Diagnostic manual). The vast majority of women who have abortions experience an overwhelming sense of relief--not guilt. I am not encouraging you to have an abortion, I just noticed a few people suggesting you will regret it for the rest of your life as though it were a fact, but only a small margin ever do. Check out www.imnotsorry.com to read stories from real women who have had abortions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2009): Look you are right when you say, it is your body. But he is the father of this unborn child. Your post was full of 'I' s, not once did you associate yourself and your boyfriend as we.
You know you are not ready for a child, and as much as your reasons seem selfish they are good reasons. You would not be a good mother to a child harbouring those feelings. As for your boyfriend leaving you well perhaps it is for the best, he has given you an ultimatum which shows that he has not considered yourr feelings and you have also not considered his on the matter. Children are a blessing i was told I could not have children, but know I wouldnt change it for the world, evaluate your life, take to your boyfriend.
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reader, rcn +, writes (2 October 2009):
It takes two to create a baby. For whatever reason your birth control failed. Imagine for a second, he wants to keep the baby. You get the abortion. One thing I can guarantee, he will never look at you again like he has before the abortion. Although you discussed not having a child, you conceived with his. With how strong it's sounds with his being against the abortion, you'll go from being "Friend, lover, girlfriend", to "the one who terminated the life of his child." A child he will never see or hold but will carry the guilt, "what could I have done to stop her." etc.
Let's say you were under 18, pregnant and wanted to keep the baby, but your parents took you to the hospital and forced you to have an abortion. Would you be able to walk out of there as if nothing happened? By deciding not to remain pregnant and terminating it, your course of actions can be extremely traumatic for him. As I stated below, women are not the only ones who can get "post abortion stress" syndrome, which is equivalent to post traumatic stress disorder. As far as women who have had abortions, many who thought it wouldn't be to damaging, a recent report has linked such mental damage as being cause to as much as 20% adult female suicides.
You're living in the past. "He knew how I felt", "It's his fault for staying with me." etc etc etc. The past no longer exists. You need to focus on the present. What matter now is, you're pregnant and want an abortion. Terminating a pregnancy with his child. So, you were on the shot. That fact is not longer relevant to your becoming pregnant this time. The fact that he stayed with you and knew how you felt, doesn't change the affect that having an abortion can have. Most of the people I've worked with who've had abortions, have the same idea that you do now. It'll set things back to normal. Right????? Good thought, but it's false.
Why don't you attend some abortion support groups, before having one. Bring tissues, you'll need them. What you'll notice is there are many stories that sound very very similar to what you're saying now. I'm telling you all this from experience in working with people who have said what you are. The doctor says, "six weeks, no sex to recuperate." They conveniently leave out the sentence of 20 yrs to life of mental anguish, guilt, depression, or abnormal personality disorder. So it's just a warning. What you think will be OK, is only a thought until it becomes reality, can't be changed, and sets in deep.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (1 October 2009):
At the end of it, it's still your choice. If he doens't believe in abortion, there's nothing you can do to change his mind. You have to do what is right for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): I'd also like to add, that if you think this guy is so horrible (which is how it sounds, what with the drugs, gambling, etc) then why are you so eager to keep him?It seems to me you'd be more interested in finding someone who shares your life dreams, doesn't want children, and who doesn't have habits that you take issue with. Also, you make it sound as though your boyfriend has no long-term ambitions of any kind if he's 21 and has completely satisfied all his life's goals, apparently. I don't know that that's completely fair to him.Again, you seem to be assuming things rather than actually finding them out for yourself. For example, you're assuming that just because he has his dream job that he clearly won't give that up, what if he is willing to? Sometimes finding out you're having a child prompts changes in a person's life - big ones. If you're going to be going through a lot of tough times and tough decisions, maybe he is too. What if he's willing to leave that 'dream job' to help raise and take care of the kid?I'm sorry, I realize you don't want to have a child, or go through pregnancy, but I do still believe some of your reasons sound selfish. If you weren't willing to accept that you may become pregnant (hopefully you know there's no 100% effective contraceptive) then maybe you shouldn't have been having sex.On that same note, if he was wanting a child and KNEW that you didn't want one, and knew that you'd get an abortion if you got pregnant, then by having sex with you he was also choosing to accept that. However, maybe he was fine with not having children until it came up so suddenly and made him stop and think, now he wants one. There's nothing wrong with changing your mind about something like that, it's a big thing that sometimes people don't know how to handle until it's right up to it.I don't think you'll get him to see your side if he's dead-set against it, but keep talking things out and see if it helps some. I'd be very interested in hearing his side to this story first-hand rather than just through you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am not trying to change his mind on anything. I just want him to see the situation from both sides. Which I know for a fact he doesn't because he isn't willing to let me say all that I want to.And as for - "you'll eliminate the possibility of causing severe mental trauma on another guy that oops, happened again."How have I caused severe mental trauma, he has always known how I've felt about not wanting children. He chose to stay with me after the fact so I cannot be blamed for his actions.
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reader, rcn +, writes (1 October 2009):
That's the point, you're not going to be able to. It's not just the fact of abortion vs. adoption, it's about your belief vs. that of your boyfriend. We're not talking about, eat at Mc Donalds or Burger King. Disagreeing there does not end up with long term psychological affect.
You keep saying, "I don't want to." I going to assume you two had sex, and that your boyfriend took part in conceiving the child. SO, Why is he not at all important when deciding the child's fate?
What you don't seem to understand, the recommendations I made are to allow you to proceed where YOU and the father have the lease amount of medical or psychological problems afterward. You mentioned hormones. Uh the fetus would be gone, but your body still recognizes the change, therefore you'll still have a hormone imbalance that will need to work its self out.
You're going to loose your boyfriend, that's a given. Some people are so firm in their beliefs that where you want to do different, they won't want to be part of your life. This is one of those beliefs. That's why people here are giving you advise of what to do vs. how to convince him. You can't advise on something that is impossible. These are firm, set beliefs. Aside from hypnosis, and rewiring his brain, you're not going to change his mind.
My advise was to bring you to a place of being able to compromise. But you're not willing to, therefore, say goodbye to your boyfriend. Get your tubes tied or a hysterectomy so you'll eliminate the possibility of causing severe mental trauma on another guy that oops, happened again.
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reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (1 October 2009):
Here is how to put your point across to your boyfriend.
I don't want to have a baby. I don't want to be pregnant. I don't believe you will be a good father. You have an addictive personality and I don't trust you. I need you to support me in my decision. I need you to continue to love me.
Either he will be able to accept that or he won't. Most likely he won't because you are telling him that you desire him and don't respect him. That is going to be very hard to swallow. To him respect should go with love.
I challenge anyone here to find a way to communicate your demands in the first paragraph with out hurting his feelings.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIts all well and good you recommending adoption but I do not believe it is the right option for me. I do not desire to have children so I don't want to go through pregnancy.Actually I can assume because he was addicted to drugs and once he quit them that is when his gambling habit started so he just replaces one addiction with another.Its all well and good everyone recommending adoption and stuff like that.I don't care what people think I should do with the pregnancy, what is good for you and in your head is not always the right choice for everyone else. But that wasn't what I came on here for, I came on for advice on how to put my point of view across to my bf.
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reader, rcn +, writes (1 October 2009):
To add one thing in reading your latest follow up. I was a drunk when my son was born. That stopped fairly quick after his birth. You can only judge what you do, don't assume the way he is now would be the way he is later.
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reader, rcn +, writes (1 October 2009):
Do you understand there is a huge difference between not wanting to have children and abortion? You said he's accomplished at his age. That's good. So he must be fairly mature to have done what he has thus far. So, I'd have to believe his decision to leave if this is done is one that's rational and inline with his integrity, character, and moral fiber. Which of those 3 areas of his sense of self would you request he compromise by giving into what you want to do? If he sees abortion as wrong, nothing you say or do will change that. That belief is at his core being, just as your wish to remain child free.
If I were a democrat and you were a republican, two separate political titles based primarily on ones core sense of being. One of which follows more with pro-life, and the other, pro choice. This too would be a no win situation. In order to completely agree, one would have to change what they stand for in order to cater to the others beliefs. Who's entitled to what they believe, and who's not?
If I were th counselor developing a solution, what I'd recommend is:
First understand when compromising you're developing something where both have to give a little in order to obtain a livable outcome.
He's against abortion, where you're against being a parent. So that's what we have to work with as far as a solution. I'd recommend agreeing to adoption, where you'd experience pregnancy, and birth, but do not have to keep the child. Then from his end, since you're worried about his wanting to keep the child. Is if the adoption was agreeable at this time, to sign a contract agreeing to this, which would take away his right to challenge the adoption.
In order to keep some sanity, this has to be a give and take situation. You can't take all and give none. And as far as what he'd give up, if you kept the baby. You don't have kids. I have 4 from 18 down to 10, one boy three girls. I could write a book on what I've given up as a parent, as well as how I've been blessed being a parent at the same time. Saying you'd be the only one giving things up is also a selfish thought, it's taking all on yourself, excluding him and what he can to do take part of that load himself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh and as for - "you are being quite selfish. considering all i read is ''me this and me that''. havent you though that he will help you out considering he wants the baby?"
The only way he will be helping me out is finanically and I doubt he would even be contibuting much because he has a gambling habit that he isn't willing to admit to.
He wouldn't be looking after the baby all day because he would be in work.
Most obviously he isnt the one that would be carrying the baby for 9 months going through hormones raging everywhere.
I don't think I should be pressured into having a baby that I know for a fact I wouldn't love. It wouldn't be fair to anyone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell i can't be blamed for him staying with me after the fact he knew I never want to have children
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reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (1 October 2009):
Many people get into a relationship thinking that I like her but she has some ideas I don't agree with. Perhaps with age she will come around. Perhaps if I love her enough she will be willing to change for me. But for now we are not committed and we get along well, so lets build a relationship.
I propose that this has been his attitude towards you. Your pregnancy has brought the matter to a head much sooner than he planed. Getting into a relationship planing to somehow change the other partner is not a wise choice. It often ends up being very cruel. He has essentially said that he loves almost all of you, all except the not ever wanting children part. He has led you down the path with a promise of a future that he didn't explain was conditional on your changing your mind about children. So now you feel he has abused your trust.
About sacrifice, you say that he has already achieved all his life's goals, yet in the next sentence you say he has his whole life to have children. Who is he going to have children with? By staying with you he would give up that life goal. He sees your actions (planing an abortion) as evidence that you will not ever be having children. This is a loss for him too. He wanted to have children, with you.
I hope that you can see that you can't have him without children. This crisis has made it clear that his strong priorities are at opposition to your strong priorities. You are headed for very different roads. You can have a friendly parting, but part you will, either now or years from now. You will part because he will not be happy with out fulfilling his need for children.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify a few things, we wern't having unprotected sex I have been having the injection for the past year and a half.
NO my bf wouldn't be sacraficing anything he already has his dream job. He has already acheived his goals in life. He is only 21 he has got the rest of his life to become a father plus he has always known that I have no desire to have children. I have only just started university my goals and dreams are only just beginning having a baby is going to put an end to 99% of them. It is just something I am not willing to do.
I know he has no moral feelings against abortion.
I have considered his feelings although it sounds like I haven't but he isn't even willing to see my point of view.
The reason I haven't even thought about adoption as and option is because under no circumstances would he let me give the baby up plus I just do not want to experience pregnancy, birth or anything to do with it.
If I am being selfish, he is being just as selfish!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): you are being quite selfish. considering all i read is ''me this and me that''. havent you though that he will help you out considering he wants the baby?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): I'm incredibly disappointed in what you just assumed in your 4th paragraph. "I am the one who will be doing everything whilst he sits back and can still do everything he wants to I would be sacrafising everything and he won't have to give up anything." Are you serious?
You just assume that he will give nothing up, that's also very unfair. You know your boyfriend better than we do, but still, not EVERY guy is just going to walk away just because you have a child. He sounds like he wants the kid, I'm sure he'll want to take part in the child's life, which includes giving up some things of his own. You'd know this if you actually were willing to talk this out with him.
Yes, it's your choice what to do, but he's not blackmailing you. If you want to have an abortion (and not have kids at all) and he does want children, then why shouldn't he leave you if that's clearly a long-term goal that is incompatible with both of you?
I also love how you don't consider adoption. Your reasons about having to gain weight and carry the baby do sound selfish - yes, that is not fun for you, and no, he doesn't have to do those things; in the end though, it was still your choice too to have sex, you knew this could happen. You should be willing to accept the consequences as well. I was adopted, and personally I'm very glad my birth mother didn't have an abortion.
Now, on the other hand, having a child, carrying out a pregnancy, is a big decison. It's not selfish to say that it might be too much to handle for you, but it seems that you are more worried about your own looks, and hopes, and dreams than those of your boyfriend, or those of your unborn child. I'm just saying that from the reasons you listed (none of them being completely logical, such as finances, etc) it does make you sound selfish.
He's not emotionally blackmailing you, you both just have some talking to do. You BOTH decided it was a good idea to have sex (unprotected or not) and so you BOTH need to face the consequences together. But at least give the man a chance to tell you that he won't be leaving you to take care of the child on your own. He may be willing to give things up too. It's a two way street, so start acting like it.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 September 2009):
The choice to have an abortion is yours and yours alone. However, to have the baby adopted will not be so easy, because he will be able to have contact as the father. It is very easy to look at the rights of the father and the unborn child. but you are ultimately right. If you have the baby, you will bear the brunt, and if you're not ready, then you must think very carefully. Also, you must be ready for the fact that you may feel bad once you've had an abortion, so consider counselling to make sure you make the right choice. And talk to your doctor as well. Youe boyfriend's statement is a fact and not emotional blackmail. However, the choice is yours.
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reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (30 September 2009):
 Only your choice?
Well, then it is only his choice wether he breaks up with you or not.
Apparently you think YOU got a choice, but he doesn't.
Stick by your guns all you want, but so can he.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): It is not just your choice. Your baby is also your boyfriends baby and if you are considering adoption then yes he should have a say. If you really don't want your child that much then give it away for adoption then you make a whole family happy, give your baby a good life
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): i don't know the laws for paternity issues in your country, but regardless of legal ramifications, and despite your personal feelings, this is in no way emotional blackmail. it is simply a statement of fact.
you made a decision to have unprotected sex with this man. it seems that he was completely mentally prepared for the consequences of this action, and you were not. he is simply saying that if you choose to have an abortion, that you are not the type of woman he wants to spend time with.
this is a reasonable position, as he has been removed from the decision making process regarding your child. you can choose to have the kid, and make him pay for it. but you also can choose not to have to deal with the child. he has no choice. you hold all the cards, and you seem to think that he is the one who is in the wrong.
perhaps it is time to examine oneself, and realize that after the child, he is in the most vulnerable position here, and that you are really holding his emotions in your hand, not the other way around...
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reader, rcn +, writes (30 September 2009):
I'm not pro choice, nor am I pro life, although I believe adoption is a better choice because it gives a family who can't have children the opportunity to raise, care for and love a child. I'm glad my biological mom chose adoption, giving birth to me at 15 years old.
These other posters weigh more toward getting an abortion. I want you to first consider that everything we do in live has consequences. Some of which are positive, and others the opposite of. I urge you to google and read up on "Post Abortion Syndrome" It's an adverse emotional reaction, and is similar to post traumatic stress disorder. I've counseled many who have this, and their abortions were from 5 years to one I worked with that was 32 years ago. It is your body, and you have a right to your body, just remember this disorder effects MEN as well.
Let me ask you this. It's your body, your choice, but your choice may also cause long term mental scars on the father. So, although you have your reasons, do you have the right to cause the father long term emotional damage? So, either way, there will be negative consequences. If you get an abortion, you may loose your boyfriend. Emotional blackmail? He has the individual right to choose who to date and who not to. So, your loosing him would be one of the negative consequences. And if he wants children at some point, where you don't at all, your not in sync with each other to maintain a long-term relationship.
As far as being selfish, I understand your reason, but I also understand his side. It also seems as if you decided without talking it through with him, therefore making it seem as if his feelings, and your relationship with him are not that important to you. It's not only that you want to terminate the pregnancy, you're wanting to do so when he is 50% of who that child is.
As far as his not giving things up, you're assuming that to be correct. I'm a male and a single parent. My ex lives a few states over, so I am the one who does everything for her. My oldest came when I was 19. Not out plan. I'd watch him while she finished high school during the day. Having a child young was a trade off. I had to give up somethings I wanted to do, she did she. Even though our life took different directions, I can say the new path with my child was equally as satisfying as before he came a long.
So, you both can make choices. His choice to terminate the relationship is his choice, just as getting the aborion is yours.
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reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (30 September 2009):
I am personally against abortions because there are thousands of couples out there who would give everything they own to have a child to raise.
Your question was not really whether or not to have an abortion but how to deal with the boyfriend. You accuse him of emotional blackmail and I see your point. The only way around that is if he feels so strongly about having a child or against abortion, that he will not be able to love you if you do this. Either you have stolen the opportunity for a child from him, or you have offended his moral sense. So three possibilities.
One he is blackmailing you, he wants you to do what he says and really has no true interest in the child. He is somewhat immature and needs to see things from your point of view. In that case you need to put your foot down and be sure he respects you. He is not likely to follow through with the threat.
Two, He has a strong desire for a child. In this case it explains how you became pregnant when you have no intention of ever having a child. He tricked you, used a tampered condom, Whined until you agreed to unprotected sex, or however. In this case you two have very different goals and ideas about the future. This does not look good for your future relationship in two ways. One he will not be happy living the life you choose and vise-versa. Two he has not respected you and will continue to try to push you around. If all this is true you should not stay with him whether you keep the child or not. This is not the basis of a good healthy relationship / family.
Third, He has very strong moral feelings against abortion. In this case the pregnancy was probably a joint accident. He is willing to accept his share of the consequences of your actions. His view of how to handle this is different from yours. He feels that after you have an abortion he will always view you as a vile sinner. For that reason he sees the relationship as over. You don't have to share the same religious opinion about abortion in order to be a successful couple. You should certainly make sure that this decision doesn't come up again. ie. tubal ligation surgery, or vasectomy. In this case there are two ways to handle this. One go ahead with the abortion and hope that he will be able to forgive you. If he is a good christian he will probably be able to. Two if your feelings for him are strong enough to make a sacrifice to comfort his moral sensibilities. Carry the baby to term and together put the child up for adoption.
That was a very long answer and it is likely true that his feeling are a combination of the three and even more complex.
On a personal note; you should get some counseling if you have an abortion. It is not as easy as it seems.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): I don't mean to sound like i'm having ago, but it annoys me that men never seem to have a choice in whether their 'child' is aborted or not, yes the women have to go through the pregnancy and the labour, but as a previous post said it's 50% him as well as you. Consider his feelings as well as your own.
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reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (30 September 2009):
No one here can ethically advise you to either have an abortion or refrain from having one.
What I could advise you to do is consider it carefully. There are plenty of women out there who, as in your case, want more to life than raising babies at their age. But I can also tell you that having a child is beautiful and, though it may seem a pain to go through, it can be rewarding.
That said, you're the one who owns and controls her body. Not your boyfriend. I understand his point of view, but we're not talking about adopting a puppy. A child is a lifetime commitment with all the joys and agony of parenthood. And unless your boyfriend is emotionally capable of loving AND caring for his child, he has no right to demand that you carry it and then, possibly make an exit.
Whatever choice you make, its your choice, its your body and its your life. Whatever it is, please choose wisely.
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reader, Xtreme  +, writes (30 September 2009):
 I'm a male of your age group only and i think the above answer is the best but i have a query, when don't want child then why u had insecure sex, u would have asked your bf to use condoms, or you would have taken some contraceptive pills but now i'm warning you please, every time while having sex, ask your parter to use condoms, I too had sex many times with girls but i used condoms every time but now i have a stable gf and we luv each other very much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): Provided that you are not too far gone in the pregnancy you should definitely have an abortion if you do not feel that you are ready to care for a child.
Since I don't know you or your boyfriend it would be hard for me to evaluate how ready you are for a family, but I can tell you that it's never a good idea to have an unwanted child - there are too many of them as it is and will only lead to suffering on the childs side.
I do feel for you boyfriend, it must be heartbreaking wanting a child but knowing that ultimately it will be your decision. Try to understand what he must be going through as well and be as sympathetic as you can but don't bring an unwanted child into this world.
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reader, k_c100 +, writes (30 September 2009):
 I will warn you in advance this site seems to have a lot of pro-life people on here so be prepared for some strong opinions and some harsh comments.
As for your question - if an abortion is the right thing for you then by all means stick to your principles and do what you have to do. It is a tough one when the father wants to keep the baby - after all, the baby is 50% him and 50% you, so he does have an equal right to what happens with this child. But as you said, it is your body and you will be the one looking after the baby, after all - most young fathers like the idea of a child but once reality sets in then they realise what a responsibility a child is and run a mile, often leaving the mother of their child alone and struggling for money.
At the moment you are both looking at it from your own personal perspectives and what having a baby will do to you individually. You are looking at it from the pregnancy side of things, and your boyfriend is looking at it from the "when the baby is born" side of things. Men are logical creatures deep down, they cannot really see the effects that pregnancy has on a woman because pregnancy, hormones, all the things that come with pregnancy, are illogical to them therefore they focus on what it will be like with the baby around. Whereas you are focusing on the short term effects of pregnancy, and why you dont want to compromise your life for the baby.
Neither of you are wrong for having your opinions and feelings on the matter, it is just the difference in male and female perspective that is causing the problems here. I think what you need to do is make a list of the reasons why YOU dont want a baby, and then reasons why having a baby will be bad for BOTH of you. If you start to talk about this in the sense of being a couple, it will give him a perspective that he can understand.
I suggest your main argument lies along the lines of the following:
- We are too young to handle the responsiblity of a child
- We do not have the financial resources to have a child
- We both are in school/college/uni/etc and need to get a proper education so that you can eventually get jobs and have a good career that pays well
- You are not married therefore he can just up and leave whenever he wants, whereas you will be stick with this baby for at least the next 18 years. Without being married having a child is a risky move for the woman - there are no guarantees that the man will stick around and then you would be even worse off in terms of finances etc.
I think if you really think about your reasons behind not wanting a child and can really justify them then he will have to respect your opinion. Reasons like the weight gain and changes to your body do make you seem selfish - it is like you are just thinking about yourself in all of this and not him or the baby. Whereas if you have good reasons why the baby would not have a great life, and your relationship would suffer, then it shows you are thinking about the whole situation as opposed to just yourself in this situation.
So write down all your reasons, have a good explanation for each one and try and stay away from any reasons that are only about "you".
If you need any help in thinking of some reasons or the explanations then I am happy to help, feel free to respond to this post or send me a private message.
Remember you are making the right choice if you are 100% behind it, but you do have to consider that this baby is your boyfriend's baby too and while his life wont change much if you did keep it - he does have a right to an opinion and a say and what happens with this baby. If he still doesnt listen once you have given him so valid reasons then he is the one who is being selfish, if he does end things with you over this then he is not the kind of guy you really want as a boyfriend is he?
Once you have talked things through with him, book your abortion right away, it is worse the longer you leave it. If you manage to get it done before 9 weeks then it is much more simple and just involves tablets, whereas any later you have to have a short medical procedure. See http://www.brook.org.uk/content/m2_5_abortion.asp for further information on abortions in the UK.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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