A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So I asked a question about my boyfriend a couple of days ago. We're on holiday and he was telling me my top was see-through. We got over that and had a really nice day, sightseeing and enjoying our time together. Then yesterday he wanted to go and see this amazing sight which I've already been to, and I wanted to carry on shopping at the market for Christmas presents. So we said goodbye, everything seemed fine. Then several hours later he turned up at the flat in a terrible mood, saying how terrible it was to go to that attraction on his own as it was full of couples and he was the only single person there. I tried to hug and kiss him and say how nice it was to see him but he wouldn't let me bear him and wouldn't let me speak. Just said he was sharing his feelings with me and it was better to do that than let them bottle up.Eventually we talked it through and it's kind of better but I feel so bruised. I don't think I was that bad for not going. I even said, let's go back tomorrow and do it together, but he said he didn't want to waste his money. I'm finding it hard to feel open towards him now, and now he's being all affectionate, but I don't feel like it, I just feel numb.I'm not sure what's the best way forward now. He's apologised so should I just let it go? I'm worried when the next outburst is going to be.Thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): "Cerberus, I told her to leave him in her previous post."
Oh, fair enough, I didn't actually read all the replies in that question.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (17 December 2012):
 My reply to your first post was that this guy's behaviour is controlling, possessive, aggressive and not acceptable.
I feel sorry for you being trapped on holiday with him.
There's a big difference between bottling your feelings up and expressing yourself in the ways he does.
If you're worried about another outburst, try and spend as much time with the friends you're staying with and avoid being on your own with him.
I think you should finish with this guy when you get back from holiday. He sounds very flaky.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): Reposting response to OP's previous question:"Is he just being male or is this overly possessive??"Neither. He's being controlling and pathologically jealous, almost cetainly the first steps towards emotional, verbal and physical abuse.This guy is bad news, janniepeg's analysis [response to OP's previous question] is spot on, you need to get away from him ASAP. Be advised that when you leave he will tell you he loves you, he will apologize, he will promise it will never happen again, he will cry, he will beg, he will prey on your emotions NOT because he loves you but because he wants to maintain control over you.That you are making excuses for yourself and your host when you did nothing wrong is exactly the response boyfriednd wants from you. He is a controller and therefore likely an abuser.Repeat, leave him NOW.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (17 December 2012):
 I would not be happy for my girlfriend to go around wearing revealing clothes, but I would NOT handle it the way your boyfriend has. He's a psycho, make no mistake. When you get back home, end this relationship immediately. You deserve SO much better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): I hate to criticize other aunts and I mean no offence but iAmHereToHelpYou, k_c100 are wrong, I feel that maybe k_c100 didn't see your other question because knowing how wise she is from reading her fantastic advice on this site I think her opinion of his behaviour would be the opposite when presented with all the facts.
He's a child OP and emotionally abusive weirdo. Videoing you, threatening to get the next flight home, waking you up to pick a fight, going on his own intentionally knowing he'd just be pissed off and it would fester.
Huge red flags OP, huge. The only thing you've done wrong here is tolerate his shit.
My girlfriend would laugh in my face if I threatened to get a flight home, she'd give me the laptop and her credit card and tell me to help myself, she'll pay because she'd rather not spend the rest of her holiday with a child. If I came home later pissed she went shopping instead, she'd tell me to grow up as I should have told her how I felt that morning and she would have gladly put off shopping if I really wanted her to go. But she would never have to do anything like that because I'm a man, not a child and she can walk around naked in front of anyone she likes I'm secure enough to know it's nothing and I would never put her down for anything she wears.
This guy is bad news OP, make no mistake.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): "We're on holiday and he was telling me my top was see-through."
Is this your other question?
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-this-normal-male-behaviour-or-is-he.html
The guy is a loser OP. I love when my girlfriend wears those. They make her feel confident and sexy, so I see no negatives with that at all. The fact other guys check her out heightens that so it's all good and besides she's my girlfriend, a grown woman, not my teenage daughter who I have to tell cover up.
Very bad sign if he said that in a negative way OP. Very controlling, I want my girlfriend to feel sexy and desired as much as possible, a confident her is something that brings so much joy to our relationship. The fact he would criticize that in you sounds like he feels threatened by your confidence.
After reading you previous question and now this all I can say is Fuck me! this guy is major trouble OP.
Here read this:
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
Let's break down his behaviour shall we?
1. "he said the top was see-through and he hoped I wasn't letting N (the other guy living here) see me like that"
Oh shut up man, what are you 12? Very, very possessive and controlling thing to say.
2. "We had an argument and he woke me up in the night saying I was ignoring him (but I was asleep)."
Strike 2, what the fuck is he on about? The guy is a child, looking to pick a fight with you and being pissed off over nothing in the first place.
3. "Then this morning he got up early and started saying he was going to book a flight home early as I obviously didn't want to be with him."
Okay OP that's strike 3, from this point on he should be out. Seriously, he does not get free pass on throwing his toys out of the pram like that and be so emotionally abusive. That's emotional abuse OP plain and simple, fucking threatens to get the next flight home? Over nothing see-through top? What?!
4. "We ended up talking about the see-through top again and he started videoing me to show me how see-through it is."
Videoing you to show you how "bad" it is? Fuck off, you can walk around in your underwear if you like in front of N it makes no difference to anything. Huge red flag.
5. He goes alone to the sight and seems fine letting you go shopping then comes back later and starts fighting with you over it? Fuck sake OP. "saying how terrible it was to go to that attraction on his own as it was full of couples and he was the only single person there." Aw come on, he's not fucking single just because you're not with him for an hour or two if he had a fucking problem with it then he should have said so but this douchebag went with the sole purpose of letting the anger build up what does he do when he comes back he says some insanely childish bullshit and again emotionally abuses you and throws a tantrum, says he felt lonely and like a single guy and puts the blame on you? He didn't think to maybe help you with the shopping to get it done faster so you could both go there again and spend some time together? No, he goes, lets his anger build up and when you suggest going again tomorrow he says no, it'll be a waste of money, the guy is a fucking child.
6. "Just said he was sharing his feelings with me and it was better to do that than let them bottle up."
Bullshit, he was pissed off the moment you said you wouldn't go with him and he bottled it up all day, he's a fucking child OP.
OP come on now, can you really not see who and what this guy is? Seriously, you've let some intolerable shit slide the past few days. What part of any of this is acceptable to you? Why have you let him get away with all that and done so much to appease him and fix this? You do know this is what you're always going to have to do with this guy because he's a child that sees you as a mother not a partner.
"I'm finding it hard to feel open towards him now, and now he's being all affectionate, but I don't feel like it, I just feel numb."
You know why that is OP? Because he's not the guy you thought he was, not only that but you've just let him get away with all this. Talked all this through, you apologise when you've done nothing wrong, you try to prove to him that you're not doing anything wrong? How does any of that make sense to you?
You know what has to happen here don't you? This kind of behaviour cannot be tolerated and it cannot be excused in any way.
When you look back on how you appeased him, especially the I'm getting a flight home thing, especially videoing you, oh my fucking god OP. How does that not completely freak you out?
Get the hell out of this now. he puts you down for the way you dress, he puts you down for not joining him and making him feel single, he threatens to get on the plane home to make you feel bad, he does so much abusive, horrible shit and you're just going to tolerate it?
Hell no.
He's done OP or you're done, you have a life of him slowly grinding down your self-worth and constantly making you feel like you've done something wrong because he's an emotionally unhinged fucking child.
This "relationship" ends when this holiday does OP. Seriously, I can't even see how you can justify you tolerating this to yourself.
You feel numb because you can't, you feel numb because you know this has to end, this is not fixable.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (17 December 2012):
 Hi
Perhaps you should have offered to go with him the next day initially, if he helped you finish your Christmas shopping that previous day. Its both of your holiday and a time to relax together,so its about compramise.
Doesn't sound a very relaxing break to me up to now,its just shown you two don't get on.Its highligted your behaviour and his moods. When you get back I would have a long chat because I don't think its a match made in heaven.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (17 December 2012):
 I disagree this post is full of red flags. I see abusive controlling behavior.
I agree he is misbehaving. I agree there is communication break down. But I think the numbness has a dangerous cause.
FA
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (17 December 2012):
 I agree to some extent with KC, the guy is communicating, but there is 'communicating' and 'communicating'.
You are on holiday and from your last post, it seems he is picking at you and being tetchy.
He is already making you uncomfortable so I guess it's a case of seeing how many egg shells you are prepared to walk on for the sake of the relationship.
You should be able to communicate back by saying
'The way you react and speak to me sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable...can we talk about it?'
Probably not a good time to do it whilst on holiday, wait til you get home.
If he is really that sensitive and touchy, maybe he just doesn't suit you.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (17 December 2012):
 Honestly I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill here, have you not got anything better to do than get all dramatic over something as petty as this?!
1. He was right to be upset - you are on holiday together, he wanted to see something 'amazing' (as described by you), yet just because you have seen it before you wouldnt go with him. Yet hours later when he gets back you go back on yourself and say you would go back with him tomorrow! He wanted to share this experience with you, and you were too selfish to bother to entertain this idea. If it was new for him you could have made the effort and gone with him, it would have been a really nice thing to do.
2. He told you how he felt, why he was upset - would you rather he sat in silence ignoring you? Communication is good, if one person is upset talking about it is the right thing to do. Why are you punishing him for telling you he was upset? He was right to be upset, he wanted to do something nice with you and seeing all those couples together will have made him feel prety crappy, it is a romantic time of year around Xmas and he will have wanted to share it with you, rather than being made to go alone.
I have no idea what you feel 'numb' for, he was upset because you didnt go with him, he told you why he was upset and somehow you are now the injured party. Instead of feeling numb you need to get over yourself, he isnt in the wrong here it is you. Stop being childish, realise you upset him and move on.
This hardly sounds like an 'outburst'. Telling you how he feels isnt an angry outburst, it is called communicating. If he was shouting, swearing, throwing things....that would be 'anger'. What he did is called TALKING, ok so he was in a bad mood but are you saying you have never been in a bad mood before? Would you be happy if your boyfriend said that every time you are in a bad mood it was an 'angry outburst'? I think you would be rather annoyed if he said something as stupid as that!
I think your issues here are communication - learn that being in a bad mood and being upset isnt an 'outburst', it is simply your partner sharing his feelings because of your actions. Allow him to talk, dont try and turn it around to make him the bad guy - if you have upset him then you need to accept it, learn from it and move on. Dont get all moody and claim you are 'numb', that is just silly - he told you how he felt and now you are being childish, trying to make him to be the bad guy so you dont have to deal with the fact you upset him.
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A
female
reader, Red591 +, writes (17 December 2012):
 This guy is a straight baby.He throws temper tantrums and you say you are sorry?! For what? You didn't do anything wrong. Who cares if there were couples there. He is obviously delusional and thinks everyone was looking at him and thinking he was pathetic for not having a girl with him. They didn't even notice him. He has bad issues that I doubt you can fix. You deserve a mentally stable person. I understand venting emotions but his emotions are delusional and falsely blamed on you.
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