A
female
age
51-59,
*nurk
writes:Hi, I’ve been in a same sex female-female relationship for four years and I suppose I can’t think straight anymore. I feel so confused! she tells me things, makes promises and fills me full of hope then completely reneges on her word but will twist it somehow that I’m to blame. she says things but will say she didn’t or it was meant a different way. an example, she is close to a married female cousin who has 2 adult daughters, one of which is getting married soon. the cousin has never really viewed our relationship with the same regard as a heterosexual one - she will invite my girlfriend to visit (excluding me) and knowing she loves a drink will suggest wine etc.knowing then that she can’t drive home thus keeping her away from the relationship. I only see my girlfriend 2 nites a week (she works long shifts) so if one is spent 'visiting' family with an overnight stay involved then it eats into our time. my girlfriend doesn’t like to offend her cousin so will try to please her and also the cousin manipulates her by saying oh you haven’t been down for 3 wks the family don’t think you want to be part of it anymore etc. making her feel guilty. girl friend told me if I wasn’t invited to wedding she wouldn’t be attending, I thought that was lovely of her, felt she was taking a stand for what I meant in her life. invites came in, I wasn’t invited and my girlfriend accepted. I asked her why she had 'lied' to me about not going and she twisted it that I 'didn’t want her to have a family because I didn’t have one' said it was because she was angry with her cousin that night she said it. I’ve never prevented her from visiting. she has turned to this cousin when we have had problems and the cousin is quite biased in her advice - hearing only one side she has made some nasty judgements which my girlfriend will tell me when she’s angry or drunk. when she’s calm or sober she twists it and tells me she doesn’t speak to her cousin about our business.I have since discovered the cousin knows quite a bit and no one else is telling her only my girlfriend. in trying to reach a compromise about the wedding, she agreed to go to it but forfeit the hen night. I thought we had it sorted until I found out that she had text her niece behind my back saying 'I never had any intention of not attending, I just said that to get a reaction from her (me) and my family will always come first'.>she excused herself from this by telling me she was drunk and worded it wrong! the last few days she has rang me saying she was going to speak to her cousin and that she realised that she has prioritised them all along at the expense of my feelings. she was invited to a Christmas panto and a party which meant 2 consecutive days and nights she would have to stay there, she accepted at first then changed her mind and text the cousin saying she couldn’t attend because her and I were going shopping. we had no plans together. the cousin was furious she let her down and blamed me of course. girl friend said she would like her support in the relationship but her cousin refused saying she would never support it. my girlfriend was hurt and angry with her and said she was going to talk to the cousin about how she felt. the cousin ignored her calls for a week. when she did eventually answer my girl friend told me she couldn’t get a word in and so couldn’t tell her and changed to wanting to speak to her face to face. this took place 2 days ago and I find out she yet again reneged on her word and instead blamed me for her changing her mind re party. I feel isolated in ways, like its two against one and my partner spurs her families feelings whilst? over mine.she runs away when I try to speak to her about our situation, screams and shouts over top of me and hangs up the phone etc. - she drinks and becomes abusive. When we are fine she tells me she wont booze if anything crops up again because she knows it doesnt help solve anything but she reneges on that also because its her coping mechanism. i have said i wont talk to her if i think she has been drinking and she doesnt respect me there,instead she will ring and leave vicious voicemails calling me allsorts - a money grabber for accepting gifts she 'bought me through love' or tell me that im 'jealous she has a family because i dont' - yet i have a teenage daughter who lives with me and listens to this abuse and who takes offence that she isnt recognised as being my family. she tells me that she speaks to this mate and that mate and that they laugh at me, that her family think im a nut case when i defend myself against my gf lies, that they can see shes so unhappy etc. then she tells me that when she goes to visit them that she puts on a face so they dont know anything is wrong!! everything she says is so contradictary. she is always the victim. speaks of 'power, control etc' whereas i speak of caring, consideration and compromise. she only had one relationship before me and even 7yrs later she harps back to what the girl did. everything was this girls fault, my partner never has suggested that she played a role in the break up of that relationship. she has also made excuses to me that some of her treatment of me was due to the fact she showed too much interest in her ex and was called clingy so she showed no interest here because she was afraid of pushing me away - i could buy that at the start but not 2,3 and 4yrs into the relationship!i haven’t been to work for months; I feel so low and have retreated from everything I used to enjoy. girlfriend gets on with her life; works overtime, has a drink, and goes to her family and stays weekends with them while I sit here alone trying to work out what just happened again.says she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. she buys me gifts and says the gifts should show how much she cares! she has people believing she’s the victim in this but yet I’m the recipient of lies and drunken abuse and silence while she’s occupied. she doesn’t contact me until she’s boozing which could be a week or 3 weeks depending on her schedule. she tells me I should make her feel secure but she offers me no security in what she does. this is only tip of iceberg. there has been so much more. Please any advice would be appreciated.
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christmas, cousin, drunk, her ex, money, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Snurk +, writes (21 December 2012):
Snurk is verified as being by the original poster of the question@anonymous many thanks for the links you provided in your response. the narcissistic article i had come across myself previously whilst trying to make sense of my situation. i found another interesting article & thought in your role of 'agony aunt' ;) that you may be interested in reading it.
http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/27/is-your-girlfriend-or-wife-a-professional-victim/
along with the links you provided a lot of things are becoming clearer to me regards my ex gf's behaviour. she was particularly good in this 'victim' role e.g. 'i wont go to my nieces wedding to be considerate towards you & show what you mean to me' then when she couldnt follow through & reneged 'oh you dont want me to go to my nieces wedding'
your advice has been so spot & i want you to know i so appreciate it :) thank you. happy xmas
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2012): A person in love with an addict- expect lies which means heartache, unnecessary drama. Also sounds like her family are emotionally manipulative so no wonder she is to the point of being a people pleaser aka untrustworthy. Perhaps also look into narcissistic personality disorder. With the latter- you will have a continuous life time of emotional abuse to the point you will go bonkers.
All reasons are good reasons to end the relationship. The unhealthy and untrustworthy are not good, loving, peaceful, healthy people to build a life with.
That you stayed may also indicate you may need some individual counselling to get wiser, stronger, healthier.
As the HEALTHY tend to AVOID and be TURNED OFF, REPULSED by the UNHEALTHY.
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/21-tips-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser/all/1/
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/narcissistic-personality-disorder/DS00652
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A
female
reader, Snurk +, writes (19 December 2012):
Snurk is verified as being by the original poster of the question@anonymous thank you for taking the time to reply. you observations from what i wrote have been spot on. she also seems to be a very confused person within herself - saying she has waited all her life for a relationship yet when she gets one she treats it with complete disdain. a relationship where she can come & go without any thought for the other person. think that adds up to a single life in my eyes!! most other women she has met and theres been quite a few but all gave up on her within weeks or even days bar me and the one that lasted 6-12 months who ended up cheating on her. i have stayed around so long because i bought her excuses. always hopeful that this would be the last time she would lie, run away, tell her cousin our business, let me down etc but it always happened again. i have removed myself from the r'ship now. havent contacted her for a week & although it will be a lonely xmas i intend to keep away from her. as the previous responder had said it was getting to the stage where i was gonna record our conversations because she twisted so much that she said but what kinda r'ship would that be! onwards & upwards hopefully :) thank you & take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2012): Yikes you have to get out of this relationship ASAP!!! She obviously comes from a manipulative family and as such she has learned to be a manipulator as well, that is what she sees is the "normal" way to be. She cannot envision being honest and considerate of others, that just isn't in her psychological make up. She is untrustworthy, and therefore she is incapable of being part of a healthy relationship. The only relationships she knows how to have are those involving deceit, lies, and manipulations. Because, to her, that's the easiest way to get what she wants, and it's all about her and what she wants. and if you don't accept it, then she gets enraged and becomes overtly abusive. people like this don't change. And you cannot change them, no matter how patient and kind you are. The longer you stay connected so closely with someone like this, the greater the toll on your mental health. because you want to believe that she can be a 'normal' partner, you tend to believe her when she appears to behave normally. then when she once again does a complete 180 it leaves you feeling confused and betrayed. this kind of roller coaster relationship is exhausting and it's not sustainable unless you emotionally detach from it. But if you're going to do that you might as well just break up.
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A
female
reader, Jovian Erinys  +, writes (18 December 2012):
 You are very welcome :). Your situation is very complicated by her alcohol use and her environment (eg. family). Just those two things have strong influences on people's thoughts, emotions, and behaviors in general. You could walk around recording/documenting her lies and confronting her later when her current statements are contradicting from her earlier ones. But this will cause you much stress and your girlfriend will either resent you for making her see the real her or change her tactics to manipulate situations/people better.
They say, the most difficult journey is within. Choose your battles wisely, Snurk.
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A
female
reader, Snurk +, writes (17 December 2012):
Snurk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you @ Jovian Erinys for taking the time to read my rather long post :) & for your supportive advice. I have known since the beginning that my girlfriend is someone who finds it very difficult to consider someone else when it involves her 'wanting' to do something - she can be very selfish. She has also been single most of her life (12yrs older than me) & I know her habits will never change. From the boozing to the formed habit of her always visiting her family & never them coming to her! It's the lies I find the most difficult & the lack of any consideration for my feelings. Thanks again for your input :) take care.
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A
female
reader, Jovian Erinys +, writes (17 December 2012):
It appears that your girlfriend is in far worse shape than you are. She doesn't seem to know what love truly means and her emotional dysfunction will continue with or without you because her sense of security (or lack of) cannot come from you or anything outside of her. There is no success in a relationship if only one person is working towards improving or maintaining it in benefit of the relationship. I imagine you will experience a lot of heartaches with your girlfriend is she doesn't seek the help she needs in learning about what it means to be honest and loyal to a partner that she has chosen to share her life experiences with.
What does this relationship mean to her? If her family is supportive of her and trusting of her decisions in life, then why are they not welcoming you? Her family's reaction to you says a lot more about their opinions of your girlfriend's decision-making. The storm within your girlfriend and her family was already stirring before you came along - but if you stand by and do nothing, you will be harmed. You cannot stop the storm - unfortunately, your girlfriend seems to thrive in it.
I would try to get back on your feet and find the strength within and take care of you. Try to think about what exactly your girlfriend is doing for you that adds to your personal growth and be honest with yourself - you deserve that.
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