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age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Hello, I am having a difficult time and I need some advice. First, I have been in a relationship with someone and it hasn't been long, only two months. We got along great and talked all the time for hours. We have always been able to work out any differences. He told me he loves me and wants a future with me. The thing is he works at night and he would text me on his breaks and we would flirt and he would ask me how I am doing. Things were great and he told me I was the only one for him. And we were planning to meet in the Spring.We had a talk one day and he said that his children, his mother and I are the most important thing to him and that I had a right to know where he is. I didn't jump into this as quickly as he did and he knew I wanted to take things slower, but now I feel like he is the one for me. The last time we spoke on text it was 3 a.m. on Feb 4th and we flirted as usual and then he told me I was wonderful and I told him the same and that's the last I heard from him. I texted the next day because I would be up all night and he knows that I stay up so I was happy when he would text me in the middle of the night, and he would always let me know when he got off work. He would send me texts saying he misses me. So usually it was 5 a.m. And then he would shower and eat something and then call me. We would talk for a while and I tried to persuade him to get some rest but he wanted to stay on the phone with me. Now I didn't hear from him all day on Tuesday at all.I told him on the text that I wasn't sure what time he got off work in the morning and I hope that he was okay. We didn't have a fight or anything and he gets really busy at his job but always made time for me. He has some health issues with diabetes and the days just past by so I left him an email. At this point I was getting worried because it was Thursday now. He hasn't gotten back to me at all and I thought maybe he had an emergency with his kids or his mother but he would have told me. He said he wouldn't cheat on me because he loves me too much. I don't want to think that he is because I told him I wouldn't cheat on him either. I started to panic with thoughts that maybe he wantedto break up with me, but he told me at one time he is a straight forward kind of guy and he would just tell me. So now it is Friday and I left him another text and I told him how he has made me open up and how he taught me to love again. Valentines Day is coming up and I never gave him my address and he wanted to send me a gift. I told him finally that I love him. But I wanted to tell him on the phone or face to face. He said he didn't mind me texting him in fact, he liked hearing from me. I have been crying for days now. On top of everything my pet passed away today and I am feeling sad. I tried to text him because he knew much I loved my pet and I really needed him so I felt horrible all night. I sat and I was writing and need to know how I can cope with all of this. Should I keep waiting for him to contact me? Am I wrong to be upset and confused?
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 February 2014):
 Anyone could be correct here. There still leaves a chance that he is in jail but forgot your number. He could be in a coma. Maybe he died. Let's say you never talked to his family members and don't know who they are. You wait until Valentine's day and you don't get a letter, a flower, or any present like he promised. How about you fly over there with the intention of a vacation but also in case that you could find him at work, or ask around if he's not at work. Then you would know his whereabouts and whether he lied. You could get closure this way instead of just sitting at home and being worried. Is there a reason why you couldn't do this? Are you so afraid of the truth that you could only cope with the imagination that he's stuck somewhere with no help?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (10 February 2014):
 And here's a guy whose girlfriend vanished http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-do-girls-suddenly-distance-themselves-from-a.html He never did answer my question about if this was a virtual relationship or a real life one… I'm guessing it was all virtual.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 February 2014):
Dear OP, I have looked for some posts that will help you put things into context and realize that you are not the only one who has fallen victim to online relationship catastrophes:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-online-boyfriend-wants-to-marry-me-but.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/ive-never-met-my-ldr-boyfriend-but-he.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/be-careful-of-predators-and-perverts-online.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/are-long-distance-relationships-friendships-really-that-bad.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-online-boyfriend-isnt-talking-to-me-that.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/whats-happening-with-my-online-boyfriend--.html
That's just a few of the many posts I found on this topic.
So you are not the first and will not be the last in this situation.
The good news is that you are now aware and awake to this problem and won't let it happen again, right?
You will be stronger and wiser and this will be something you learn from. Put that on the list to discuss with your therapist and please do read through the posts about online boyfriends and online predators!
Best wishes!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEyeswide open I had a hamster. I have had dogs and cats when I was younger. Thanks for asking.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (10 February 2014):
 What kind of pet did you have?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 February 2014):
OP, I think your filter is off on this one. SVC was not being sarcastic, she was trying to make a point by making extravagant claims about herself being the Queen of England. Yes, you are not a child or teenager who needs to be scolded. But you are an adult woman who needs a reality check and that is what we all are trying to help you see here. She was not being mean, she was being direct. You're reacting to the tone you perceive and totally dismissing her good advice.
Here is a part of her post that I think was so on point: "“I will only listen to people that encourage me” So how can we encourage you to realistically see this event and learn and grow from it? Have you asked your therapist if only listening to folks that “encourage you” (the way YOU WANT) is acceptable for an adult?
"OP, you are hurting. But I think you are hurting because you feel betrayed and deceived (and you should). Even if he is in jail or the hospital there are ways to get in touch with you… IF you were his ONE and ONLY true girlfriend, his family and friends would be told to contact you if something was wrong."
Yes, he led you on and told you a bunch of stuff that you really wanted to believe. He's not a nice person, he has issues, bless his heart (which is Southern US code for "he's a freaking disaster zone"). He talked a good game and sadly you were vulnerable to his manipulations.
I do think you should research the stages of grief, which are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance as defined by Dr. Kubler-Ross http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kübler-Ross_model
I think it would help you to discuss these and the loss of your pet with your therapist.
The things I think you should look for as a silver lining in this: that you will take steps not to be put into this situation again. That you will find validation and self-esteem in yourself and not in others. That you will become wiser and proceed with caution when you are dealing with unknown and unverified people.
You are willing to give this guy the benefit of the doubt; you've known him 2 months and never laid eyes on him. But you are angry that longtime aunts on here who have a track record for giving honest if tough advice speak to you in a blunt direct way.
I say you CAN get over him. You just have to choose to do so.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 February 2014):
 WOW. SMDH! OP you only hear what you want and see what you want. YOU don’t care about the truth you only want folks to VALIDATE your feelings. I was NOT being sarcastic.
Have you looked up DABDA and E. Kubler-Ross?
Your original post said: “I was writing and need to know how I can cope with all of this.
Should I keep waiting for him to contact me? Am I wrong to be upset and confused?”
We have told you how to cope. We have told you not to wait. We have told you that you should not be so upset. Confused, I can understand and accept. You are confused as to why a man you THOUGHT you knew and trusted has betrayed you. WE have tried to explain that after a 2 month ONLINE LDR you don’t really know him, hence why you have no need to worry or be confused. He walked away. You can walk away too. You just want folks to pat you and say “there there, you poor thing, He’s probably lying in a ditch calling your name and you can’t hear him”. HOW does that help you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo Very Confused you are using sarcasm to say that you know
everything about this situation. I have answered plenty of posts on here and I tell people what I really think without
being sarcastic. I am not a child or a teenager that needs
to be scolded! As far as the photos he loved my photos. And I loved his as especially the ones with his kids. And as far as me verifying that he was the guy in the photos, he could thought the same about me that I wasn't who I said I was. I guess today every woman that dates online and in person has to be a private investigator. Tisha-1 "In the future, not to be so cautious that you don't actually meet the man you are exchanging intimate conversations with before deciding he's a boyfriend or more that he actually is." There was no sarcasm in that and she's not scolding me like I am a teenager or a child. And as far as my therapist she doesn't speak to me in a sarcastic tone and she doesn't berate me or put me down if I disagree with her. She encourages me and tries to be fair about my situation. She doesn't say things like, "He was never your boyfriend!" He probably deleted your photos!" At my age I am dating and I am glad that I can still have men tell me I am beautiful and sexy. The people I know in real life tell me I am beautiful and smart. I have remained friends with the guy I dated last year. I didn't bitch and moan that it didn't work out. And So Very Confused, we have spoken on the phone a lot. As I stated once again in my post, we were texting and we didn't have a fight. He was working and he told me how busy it was and the last thing he said was, "You are wonderful."And I said, "So are you." That was it and he when he didn't text me when he got off work which is usually around 5 a.m. I assumed he was tired. I didn't expect him to call me because I was always telling him that he needed rest but he wanted to talk to me at times because he said I was on his mind all day. I only got concerned when I didn't hear from him some days after, so what was I suppose to do forget him? You would be concerned too.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 February 2014):
OP you said “And to the anonymous reader he was the one who said we were boyfriend and girlfriend he told me on the text that it was official”
SO BECAUSE HE SAID something it’s official and true? Seriously. Ok “I am the QUEEN OF ENGLAND” there I said it and it must be true right? Can you see the fallacy in your logic? Just because someone SAYS something does not make it true. ONLY actions speak the truth.
He is at fault for manipulating you and lying to you. YOU are at fault for not being ready to see the truth as it appears before your eyes.
So you have texts with this “guy” and you have exchanged photos but you have never actually talked on the phone or skyped or anything like that am I correct? (please if I am wrong let me know)… and yet you are willing to believe words from a man who you can’t actually verify looks like the guy in the photos you have. I know you believe him. Because you WANT to believe him. And that wanting and needing to believe him is part of your emotional protection. YOU would rather believe something is wrong with HIM vs accepting that you made a mistake in judgment.
Even if you don’t hear from him, he may have DELETED your photos the second they came in… you don’t know. You only know what you WANT to know. Yes I am being hard on you… because to help you live in a fantasy will only serve to hurt you later on. I would rather you get hurt and toughen up so the NEXT time you meet a guy online you use a bit more judgment and common sense.
BTW YOU know YOUR truth. HE knows HIS truth. You only have half the story. YOUR half.
“I will only listen to people that encourage me” So how can we encourage you to realistically see this event and learn and grow from it? Have you asked your therapist if only listening to folks that “encourage you” (the way YOU WANT) is acceptable for an adult?
OP, you are hurting. But I think you are hurting because you feel betrayed and deceived (and you should). Even if he is in jail or the hospital there are ways to get in touch with you… IF you were his ONE and ONLY true girlfriend, his family and friends would be told to contact you if something was wrong.
It’s mortifying to admit to others and ourselves that we got played. There are stages of grief:
Denial
Anger
Berevement
Depression
Acceptance.
You are still in Denial. You will progress to Bereavement and probably back to anger and denial as grief is not linear. If you want to read more on DABDA google Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.
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female
reader, jls022  +, writes (10 February 2014):
OP you really need to stop focusing on what he SAID and think about what he DID instead. People can say absolutely anything without meaning it, otherwise there would be no lies. And unfortunately it is especially easy when you can't see the other person. You don't have the same clues like body language and tone of voice to help you work it out.The thing is too OP, even if he was deadly serious about what he told you (which I'm sorry to say I doubt), he might not feel the same way now. People can and do change their minds and feelings do fade. If that weren't the case there wouldn't be so many break ups or divorces. So you CAN'T let yourself focus on what he said to you at the beginning, because for whatever reason, he's not still saying it now.Dating someone is a gamble, and even more so when the person is online. That's why you have to keep your guard up and only let people in bit by bit to protect your heart from things like this. And it's YOUR responsibility to do that. OP you keep saying that you took it slow but that's really not the case. He might have initiated the serious chats, but you went along with them and allowed yourself to be swept up in what he was saying. I've dated people IN PERSON for longer than 2 months and haven't felt like I've known them well enough for that, but on the odd occasion when any of them tried to push me along faster than I wanted, I TOLD them to slow down. Why did you not do that? You do realise that you have a say too right? And if you wanted to take it slower than him (as you absolutely should have done) you could have put a stop to it. You don't have to go along with the way he wants to do things.As for him being your boyfriend, you've stated lots of times that you had discussed it and decided that was the case, and that's totally your decision to make. What I would ask though, is what did he DO to deserve that title? I mean I could text one of the guys in my phone book right now and ask him to be my boyfriend, and he might even agree, but what does that actually mean if I don't see him, and if I can't talk to him in person, if I can't get a cuddle when I'm feeling a bit down?It's easy to say you are someone's boyfriend/girlfriend but it's much more difficult to do. It's easy to promise someone the world and pay them compliments, it takes much more effort to follow through on them and there are lots of people who aren't willing to do that. And online dating is the perfect place to do that as the distance will always be a handy excuse. You have sadly found this out the hard way as this man has disappeared when you are grieving. A real boyfriend would be happy to be there for you, so from now on, I think you should be much more picky about who you let take that title. Don't allow yourself to get swept up in words and let actions do the talking instead (and if that's online, actions are booking a flight to come to your town, inviting you to his, introducing you to friends/family to prove he is legit etc). I really hope you take the advice here to stop focusing on this loser and allow yourself to move on.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 February 2014):
 OP, you keep repeating, but he said he said he said ...
So WHAT ?. You knew diddly squat about the guy, not even his home address, or his FACE as for that, haven't you thought that he could have sent you somebody's else pics ?! ( it happens all the time ). He said- but he could have lied to you- he DID lie to you. People do not disappear and leave you high and dry if they REALLY love you. You are minding the words , but not the actions. Which actions ? For instance, postponing his visit to Spring. You met in DECEMBER, and are in the same country- what's so difficult and complicated for Pete's sake in booking a flight or driving a car and come to you ? If he had meant to EVER do it, ...he would had done it already by now. He would have found the money , trust me ( unless he's in another continent and we are talking about thousands and thousands ) . But , he was not eager enough to come and see his future WIFE ??- uhm.. so , maybe he did not want a future wife.
Why are you so hung up on what he said ? People are capable to say what YOU want to hear, you know.
I can't help but wonder if when you mention "flirting " and sending pics you actually mean sexting. That would perfectly explain why he laid it on so thick- to keep the sexual stuff coming abundantly and enthusiastically - until he gets tired, or finds himself another playmate.
Op, we are not ganging up on you, grief is grief and deserves respect whatever is the cause . You are in pain now same as you had lost your real life long time companion, and we are sorry about that and feel for you, we are normal people ( I guess ) so we do not get any fun or pleasure from hearing that people are cryng and heartbroken. We like it better when they smile , and we are all tickled pink when somebody writes back and says : yoy know Aunts and Uncles , I was miserable but I followed your advice and now I feel much better ,life feels good again.
Which , I am afraid, will be much slower to happen for you until you are in denial and refuse to see your responsibility in this sorry mess. You made a mistake- your wishful thinking, your hunger for validation, your loneliness got you where you are at now- ok, you won't be either the first or the last to be taken for a ride by some time waster, it's not the end of the world- but it will happen again and again, if you don't wake up and refuse to see things as they are, and call them by their name.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJanniepeg, Thank you also I think there is a possibility that you are right he might be in jail. And the diabetes too he smokes cigars and I was trying to get him to stop and he was considering it. CMMP you seem to be coming after me on this post a lot and I never said I didn't make mistakes. You are judging me and all I have done is talked to someone online and had a good time but never got the chance to meet for what ever reason. There are other people on here with issues worse than mine and you need to answer some other people's posts.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (10 February 2014):
I think you're not getting a lot of people blaming your boyfriend because it's totally obvious that he's done something wrong and it doesn't really need to be said because he's not here asking for advice.
You also keep stating that he's the one who asked to to be his girlfriend, he said you were wife material, and you were the one that wanted to take things slow, etc. Everyone here understands that, but I think that's not really the point, and repeating yourself makes it sound like you're not understanding what really happened here.
He's a liar and it's very easy to get away with it in a virtual relationship. In person you can still be lied to, for sure, but you have a waaay better bullshit detector. So when you completely drop your guard and fall in love with someone who you've never met, you are opening yourself up to this exact thing.
And despite what you keep saying, you didn't take it slow. That may have been your intention, but his bs was too powerful.
You're not the bad person here, he is, but you made a mistake that allowed this to happen. Recognizing that can help prevent it from happening again. Being defensive and acting like you didn't make any mistakes isn't going to help at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Tisha, Yeah my therapist knows about it and she has been talking with me and it is still very hurtful. And to the anonymous reader he was the one who said we were boyfriend and girlfriend he told me on the text that it was official so why don't you place that blame on him? I never said anything first about being boyfriend and girlfriend, I was trying to enjoy talking to him and texting, that's what a normal person does when they first start talking to guys online. I don't say I love you right away and I don't mention marriage.I'm sure there are plenty of women my age and younger who go through something similar but you will never know the whole story. Only him and I know the truth. We had good conversations and exchanged photos. He told me I was beautiful, sexy, and wife material. And even if I don't hear from him he will still be looking at my photos when he is alone. This isn't helping me one bit because your opinion doesn't matter. Some of the others on here are at least writing back and not attacking me like you are. AuntyEm has stated that people never take responsibility for the pain they cause people with their lies and deception. She also stated that he is still hurting this lady by not responding to her. But you choose to come down on me and I will always defend myself from comments like yours. I will only listen to people that encourage me. So I thank all the others who have tried to help me in this situation. I didn't mean to be so difficult I need to mourn the loss of my pet and losing MY BOYFRIEND which he was.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): What aunts and uncles missing here is that we are dealing with a sort of fenomenon. A woman in her 40s that has feelings and experiences (or lack of it) similar to 16 years old. A man who she never met tells her I love you. Most women and men would just disregard is statement in this situation and will think , i am dealing with a nut case. Not the OP. she takes it seriously, gets upset and whole drama develops. Fragility and emotional instability bewilders me. Then a man dissapears. People do it All the time, why the surprise? Just disregard it, he was not you lover. And the fact that you call him your boyfriend is disturbing itself.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 February 2014):
Does your therapist know about this current worry of yours? If not, why not?
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 February 2014):
Yes, I remember the should I stay friends with this man question. The boxer guy: the one who was so creepy and had made you so anxious and nervous that you were planning to bring along a friend to your first date.
Deep down, you did not fully trust him, you did not feel at ease with him.
Rightly so. The man was a human red flag, and all the aunts who answered told you to avoid him and let him be. He sounded like a liar , or completely kookoo- or both.
I think he made you a big favour by disappearing on you. BIG favour. I know you can't see it this way right now, and I do not expect you being able to. Maybe in time, you'll be grateful that you dodged this bullet.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have gotten some more advice from someone who said that he might be involved in criminal activity. Amateur boxers are often thugs for mafia bosses. So janniepeg you might be right.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo shed more light on this I am also the writer of (Should people in a relationship discuss their sexual past? I am uncomfortable hearing about boyfriends past.) And Should I be friends with this man?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo janniepeg, No he was not in jail for that reason his brother did something and he was put in the middle of it. I
really don't want to go into it. To iAmHereToHelpYou, I am already in therapy and no amount of therapy is going to change it. He did love me and care about me and I still have feelings for him and that is not going to go away.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 February 2014):
OP, with all due respect, if a relationship that lasted for 2 months online only is going to knock you down in such a way that you will never ever recover from it, you need to be focusing on how to improve your coping skills.
It is a great pity that this guy led you on, lied to you and sold you his story in such a way that you fell for it. Now, the question for you is why did you wind up where you are?
You obviously had a great need to feel loved and wanted and failed to see objectively the red flags that presented themselves to you. You either chose to ignore them or you just were so swept up with emotional longing that you couldn't see them.
Do you have any girlfriends or family around? I would gather them up, at least one or two of the closest, and share with them your experience and get some emotional support.
I would also strongly advise you to have a chat with your doctor about these emotional vulnerabilities and see if there isn't some therapy or counseling that could benefit you. You may wind up actually happier and healthier than when you started this online chatting that led to you being suckered into a fantasy world.
There are support groups for people who have lost their pets (I know, I lost a beloved pet just over a year ago) and I think you would benefit from getting that support right now. You are, in a way, doubly bereaved, and it's time you took some positive steps towards nurturing yourself in a healthy way.
Go be well, get the help and support of family and friends, as well as your doctor and counselors.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (9 February 2014):
3 years for hitting someone? That sounds serious. Maybe he's back in jail because he didn't follow up with the probation requirements. Before you met him, your life is fine. So if you lost him, you'll be fine too. He has lots of issues, baggage. You also mentioned he had diabetes. I think if you were actually physically with him your anxiety would be twofold. He's gone but the only thing you would be losing is your worries.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't need anymore anxiety over this situation about him being married. He is not married and if I start thinking
that it is going to add to my worries. He is gone and it's not going to change anything, I will never recover from this,
ever.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo Very Confused he is not married. He is divorced he shares custody with the mother and he doesn't like her because she cheated on him while they were married. He went to jail for three years because of his brother and has gotten into fights in the past. But he swore to me that he wasn't going to fight anymore. It doesn't really matter anymore I am still hurting.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 February 2014):
Late the the "party" but I've read everything and I feel your pain OP....
Sadly with meeting folks online it's very RARE that reality meets your expectations. While it's FINE To meet online unless it RAPIDLY progresses to meeting in real life, I would be hesitant to get emotionally wrapped up in it. And by rapidly you should be meeting IRL within 3 weeks if local and no later than 3 months if LDR. AND if you are LDR... the goal is to not be LDR so someone is going to have to move within 2 years or else this too if a faux relationship. My current hubby and I did LDR and while we planned LDR for 2 years within a year he had given up his job and his apartment of 10 years to move to be with me and start over. It's not easy... we have rough days more than we should but we are committed to each other and our life together. While LDR we were ab out 100 miles apart and once we got serious spent an average of 3 nights together each week (friday-sunday)
THERE are men who do this online to women all the time. I found this out with my now ex husband... he had MANY MANY MANY "online girlfriends". He had NO intentions of being more with them. In fact, about 50% of them he considered friends but to him saying "I love you" was ok... even if he didn't mean it he knew it would feed their egos and elicit the adoration he needed to stroke his very fragile ego.
Your guy KNEW all the right things to say to keep you hanging on. It does NOT mean he did not like you or care about you... it just means he used words to woo you where action is needed.
I think you need to find a way to find closure on this relationship on your own as you probably will not get any from him.
why he's gone could be as simple as he lost his phone and once he gets a new one (if he gets a new number) he has no way to contact you and since he was not serious about it (although HE SAID he was, he did not SHOW YOU HE WAS) he won't make any effort to find you.
IT could be his WIFE found out about his texting relationship with you and put her foot down and he knows where his bread is buttered.
As a wronged spouse I can tell you that when I met women who my husband had been texting with or lying to they told me he said things like "our marriage is over" (it was not) "we aren't having sex" (yes we were) IN OTHER WORDS he was a convincing LIAR. All of our mutual friends know this and NO ONE trusts him... not even his current wife he THOUGHT he was SEPARATED when he was seeing her. I KNEW about her, I did not know he was lying to her. I feel bad for her. She married him anyway.. and he continues to lie to her (not about other women but rather more important things like MONEY)... ONCE a liar....
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (8 February 2014):
 Actions speak way louder than words. It doesn't matter what he told you. It matters what he's showing you. you're so stuck on the fact that he initiated all the feelings. what difference does that make? People lie. Once you can get unstuck, then you'll start to be able to see this more clearly.
You're not being attacked. and you're not being blamed. it sucks. I've been in the same situation. I've had people disappear out of thin air like that before, too. And it wasn't my fault the person was a low life. I dont believe anyone is suggesting that it's yours, either. But I also recognized it for what it was and I made the steps towards moving forward. You can't begin moving forward until you stop holding on to what he told you he wanted and start embracing the fact that he changed his mind or wasn't who he portrayed himself as.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you AuntyEm I have been hurting a lot. I don't know if I'm ever going to recover from this. When a man says "I think you could possibly be the one I have been searching for." What do you say? I have never had a guy say that to me in my life. Even my ex-husband never said those words. So I wanted to believe that I finally found a man that makes me feel safe and loved. To WiseOwlE As I said he wanted more than I wanted from him he was enthusiastic about everything. He was always trying to impress me. He was almost pressuring me into a more serious thing and even talked about us getting married someday. I did the right thing and said we should meet and get to know each other. What else could I do? Tisha-1 had mentioned that if there is a next time with someone new that I might not want to open up or may be overly cautious and miss the boat so to speak.
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reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 February 2014):
 I really feel for this OP and the situation is desperately sad. I really wished people could be more honest about their lives and not give others, like this poor lady, such false and misleading hope. It's so strange that modern technology has driven people to live behind their computers and create fantasies that they draw others into, never taking responsibility for the pain and suffering they cause those people with their lies and deception. Even if this guy IS who he says he is, he is still hurting this lady by not responding and because of the distance and nature of the internet, it's so easy to dissapear.
I have been an aunt here for many years and always read the responses of the other aunts and we have some amazingly perceptive and caring folk on Dear Cupid. These are men and women who are giving up their precious time to offer comfort and wisdom to those in need...rarely have I ever seen a deliberate 'attack' or any put downs to OP's (sure a few direct slams for people who really are pushing it), believe me, there are many times when some of us can hardly belive the mess some people get into...but, as always, some kind soul draws on and offers up some sense and hope.
This poor lady, it seems, is in a bit of denial, but ultimately that's her call.
Would be great if her dude turn up now and all is well, so maybe offer up a quick prayer that some relief comes soon for her!
I send my love to all aunts here!!
You are simply AMAZING!!! :-) xxx
Em
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2014): You had mentioned that the aunts and uncles ganged up on you, and suggested that blame be put on him.
You call this man you've never met in person your boyfriend.
You've been defensive on two fronts. You're defending him and feel he should be trusted. Yet you say his silence upsets you, because he could be ill. Truthfully, in the back of your mind; you fear the truth in the warnings coming from all these compassionate people.
We are only trying to prepare you for the what is more likely to be the case. As we found in most similar situations. There may be nothing wrong with him at all. Then what?
On the other hand, you do not have to be defensive; because you asked for advice, and that is what you're getting.
We have answered dozens if not hundreds of posts similar to yours, and we are rarely wrong. We are concerned for you, not coming after you. When people are lonely and they're convinced that they've found love; they become totally immersed, and under the influence of their object of affection. Sometimes we don't see too clearly.
In this case, it's a man you've come to love whom you have never touched, looked into his eyes, heard his heartbeat,
or shared his personal space. He is a an imaginary boyfriend until things are more concrete. You have to meet him. Spend time with him. Verify the things you've been told are true, and allow your feelings to be based on solid evidence. Not merely leaving everything to chance.
I have never seem so much good advice concentrated on a person; unless everyone is truly concerned. There will be a moment that a little light will go off, and you will realize this is all for your benefit. Not aimed at hurting your feelings or personally attacking you.
I get personal messages from OP's sometimes weeks after responding to their posts. They thank me for my direct and well-thought advice. They didn't realize the point at the time; because they thought they were being judged or scolded. Then once they re-read my advice, and that of the other aunts and uncles. They got the message. They realized the we care, and the wisdom in the advice we've provided.
In any case, you have this advice at hand when you can look at it without bias or being on the defensive.
Hopefully, the same will happen in your case.
I am legitimately concerned for your safety, your feelings,
and that you may not be emotionally prepared after this man has made you fall so hard. Only to abandon you, or not be anything he has claimed to be. You've accepted everything based on his "words" with nothing based in the realm of reality to justify having such intense affection. It's like falling for a character in a love novel.
I only meant to help. Best of luck to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAuntyEm thank you but he was the one who was so enthusiastic about this relationship. He would say things like, "I wish I had met you first because we would have been married with kids." What did I think I just said, "Oh wow." I didn't know what to say. A wish is a wish. What the Aunts and Uncles have stated is partially right but to the point where I am all to blame for all of this. He was definitely into this more but has drifted away for whatever reason. That's okay because I still have his photos and he has mine, so if he thinks about me he can look at them and remember me and know that I was a nice person to talk to on the phone and text. His comments about my beauty were real, he wasn't lying when he said he found me sexy and beautiful. So I will just take it run with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSeriously, there are a lot jealous females on here. I am happy at this stage of my life after being married and divorced and to dating again that men still find me attractive. And a woman or a man who has been married for whatever 5 years or 10 years still may never truly know there spouse or partner. So if I get to meet another man and it doesn't last, at least I can say I enjoyed myself, cause that's all that matters in life is that you have fun. I've been married, had sex, have met some interesting men so I have done okay for myself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the anonymous reader, I wish people would read correctly, This man made it official on text that we were boyfriend and girlfriend. I am tired of explaining this, he is the one who wanted more from this relationship/texting etc. I didn't develop any feelings right away for this guy, he did! You are all attacking me! He was coming up to see me, you have to make plans to do that right? Well you think it is that easy. And meeting someone in real life has the same risks, you still have to get to know them and it takes weeks and months to do that. And they may tell you the truth or they may lie, same risks. You will never know the whole story and I am not going to update. You are making me out to be some naive 40 year old woman who should know better. You are not saying a word about his behavior in all of this and there is so much more to this story but I'm the only one who will know. I have been grieving all week for my pet and I only got one or two people that evenacknowledge that.
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reader, 1ConfusedChick +, writes (8 February 2014):
As someone who has dated online and had long term relationships from online dating, I can tell you one thing for certain. If a guy wants to meet you or be with you, he will find a way. Unless you live 2000+ miles apart, why would you wait and invest your time and emotions on someone that you won't actually physically meet for nearly 5 months? If you want a real boyfriend/marriage-potential relationship that you can invest in, then I would suggest meeting someone who lives no more that 2hrs from you and is able/willing to travel. Talk online or on the phone for a week, no more, then insist on physically meeting. If he says no, he's hiding something....and it doesn't really matter what. Why waste precious time on someone that doesn't want what you want? And just because he says all the "right" things doesn't make them true. His actions, not words, are the truth. Sometimes, even in love, you must use your head and not your heart. Your heart is precious and only someone worthy should it be given to. Period.Sorry to be so blunt, but phone calls and texting is not what builds solid relationship foundations. Spending time together, seeing that person unrehearsed is how you really get to know someone and build relationships and trust. That's how people are wired. Technology may make it easier to have an introduction, but it's not a replacement for real-life. I'm sorry you are worried, but probability is that he is fine, not sick. So try very hard to step outside of yourself for a minute and think about if this we're happening to your best girlfriend. What logical advice would you give her? Sometimes it's hard to take our own advice but your it's often the best kind...
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reader, llifton +, writes (8 February 2014):
New to the discussion!
People lie over the internet. You ever hear the story of the Notre Dame football player, manti te'o? He dated the "love of his life" for years, over the internet, only to find out she wasn't even a real person. She took the pictures of another woman and pretended to be her. Talk about a drag.
Not saying this guy is made up and isn't who he claims to be. But the point being that people can portray themselves however they want or as anything they want, and how could you possibly even know it wasn't true?
You say he said all these things to you and wanted all these things from you - but you do realize that people lie, right? Or that people are deceptive? You seem to be so set on the fact that he loved you and that's the end of it. But if he loved you, where is he now. His behavior speaks for itself.
I can't say who this guy is or what his intentions. but I can say his actions speak for themselves. If he loved you, why would he disappear? You claim to love him .. would you disappear on him? Doubtful.
You're not wrong for being attached to this man. but you shouldn't try to learn to get to know someone in person before you put that much trust and emotion into them. because you never know who you're truly dealing with. And the only way to truly get to know someone is in person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2014): That's the thing, OP, he is not your boyfriend! Why are you calling him your boyfriend, a man you never met in real life. And why you never met? This all sounds a bit crazy for me, honestly.
The fact that you even call him your boyfriend makes me think that the situation is not that well with you. You got attached to someone you never touched. Tis closeness between you is strictly emotional, you don't even now if you will be attracted to him on a physical level.
My advice would be forget him, get dressed, put make up and go meet men in real life. Stop texting, you are in your 40s. It's time to date, eat and drink, and have sex with a real man who wants the same.
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reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 February 2014):
OP I get that you WANT to trust him. You certainly deserve a loving relationship, no less than any other human being on the planet. I get that you held back a little and did not want to seem needy, so now you are probably in 'panic' mode wondering if you should have declared love sooner and that by not doing so, you might have pushed him away.
Thing is, the relationship is too short, too new and not 3 dimentional enough for things to progress.
If you lived in his neighbourhood, had met him and hung out every day with him, then YES it's possible that you and he might fall in love and be able to plan a future. He would have seen you in all dimesions and you would have seen him...there fore you could both make an informed decision to carry on the relationship...
This has not happened in your case...it might of happened in the future, after you had met and REALLY seen with your own eyes, what kind of a man he truly is (and he see you). You have only had words, with no corroboration or confirmation that what he tells you is the truth.
If someone phoned you and told you that you had won the lottery, you wouldn't believe it until that money was in your bank account would you? You wouldn't tell people or start spending until you saw the cold hard cash because that would be a ridiculous thing to do until you had confirmation. The person might call you back and say 'there has been a delay, but you still won'...you might wait a while, but if that person stops calling and the cash don't come, you have to admit that something isn't right.
You could blindly go on believing you won, for months and months, and tell people that you MUST trust and believe you won because the man said so...but it never happens!...because you are still in the dream and not facing reality.
I feel for you, the world is harsh and it sucks to be on your own as life goes on, but you could improve your odds of meeting someone better if you dated locally and actually went out and met people in person.
Can you even just admit a tiny bit that what the aunts have advised you here may be the reality of what is happening?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2014): You say: "people always assume that the woman is doing something wrong in the relationship". "I am tired of all the games and want a real relationship"."If I am ever going to be in a relationship I have to open up and be myself"The above are all very defensive statements, indicting that you feel misunderstood, blamed, undervalued by people, manipulated, overwhelmed and having difficulty trusting others. The last statement also indicates that you have not had a 'real' relationship in a very long time.In addition to this, when the Aunts and Uncles responded to your first posting, you came across as very defensive and angry - reading your message carefully, I can see that you maybe thought you were just responding logically and objectively and maybe just asserting yourself - but I can also see clearly how it come across that you were angry with the responses that you got.Whether something has happened to your boyfriend to make him stop contacting you is one issue and, either way, it will eventually resolve itself.Your anger, pain and hurt are, however, another matter entirely. They are connected to this situation now, but they very much appear to have a much longer history and I don't think that you have resolved those feelings yet at all.From what you write, your attitude to relationships - with a partner and with the others trying to help you - seems to be very much defined by a far longer hurt than the one that you are currently experiencing due to his disappearance and your pet's death. If it helps at all, then you are very far from being alone in feeling this way.It seems like you are doing the right things - trying to reach out to people, trying to take relationships slowly, trying to trust. But it does seem as if you are still in that learning process rather than being in a position where you have overcome your hurt. So you are still getting confused and hurt when you try to enact these aims in real life situations and it doesn't work out or a problem occurs.I'd suggest that you go to counselling - or go back to counselling if you've already been - and get help to make your aims match up to what happens in real life situations. You tried to trust someone and now a lot of pain and confusion has arisen when something's gone wrong. And you say you've taken things slowly but, after two months and never having met someone in person, you've told him you love him. Maybe he has some legitimate reason - most of the Aunts and Uncles here seem to think not - or maybe he doesn't. What seems very clear is that, in trying to trust someone and overcome your previous pain and hurt, you've overlooked what most people would regard as normal and healthy ways of meeting someone and developing a loving relationship. This may have made it all seem very romantic to you, and possibly to him, but bear in mind that there is, as one of the Aunts pointed out, something of a cultural situation these days where people have a 'fantasy' love without having met. Trusting someone does not mean foregoing and 'forgetting' to keep a healthy degree of caution and suspicion - yes suspicion - in the first place. I think this is what you've tried to put in place but the way you've gone about it hasn't worked - mainly because your need for love has ultimately caused you to 'turn a blind eye' to the way that this man has been treating you - insisting on an intense relationship with you by text and 'phone until you finally succumb. Maybe he didn't set out to do it maliciously, maybe he was very needy himself and needed to feel loved. Maybe if you do meet up it may, by some miracle, work out. But I honestly doubt it. You've recognised that you need to reach out and trust people and that's great. But the context that you've done it in makes the odds of something working out almost nil. Don't give up. Try a different context that involves meeting people in the flesh - a walking group? A choir? There are lots of options. Even if your boyfriend does reappear on the scene, I'd be extremely cautious - to be this 'serious' with you but not to provide you with any means of contacting him in an emergency...it's not what loving partners do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf I am ever going to be in a relationship I have to be able to open up and be myself. I also have to be able to trust a little bit. Life is about taking risks sometimes and I really don't see why everyone is ganging up on me like it is my fault that he is not reaching out on me. I know things about him that he hasn't told certain people in his life. We didn't get the chance to even meet and we were going to so we could have a real relationship. He seemed more excited about it. I just want to mention that it is hard enough trying to get to know a guy who is far away, and he was saying to me at one time that I hardly ever text him first and that was not true. I just didn't want to seem like I was needy. His actions toward me in the beginning were caring, loving, and consistent. I got use to it big deal. Is it so bad that I want to be loved and needed? I have played it cool with him not showing complete interest but letting him chase after me. People always assume that the woman is doing something wrong in the relationship. Whether she sleeps with a guy too soon, or is too needy and desperate. I am in my late forties and I am tired of all the games, I just want a real relationship. Put the blame on him if he hasn't contacted me that's on him not me. I'm not ignoring anyone's advice here I have read all the answers.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 February 2014):
What needs to be 'fixed'?
You're talking to a guy via text and know virtually nothing about his real life other than what he's chosen to share with you.
You're not in a crisis because of your phone/data plan, you're in a crisis because you have investing in a 'relationship' without any real life time together.
Your response to CMMP shows you are filtering the answers you asked for here, it's actually very insulting to CMMP to call him sexist when all he said was that your expectations were unrealistic.
I agree with CMMP in this case, does that make me sexist?
You don't have a boyfriend in the real world. You have a texting buddy you've communicated with for 2 months. You don't really know him, you know what he's chosen to project to you.
Have you been in relationships before? Do you spend time with family or friends?
Please let those near to you that you need support because of the loss of your pet.
Forget about getting the support you need from a guy who has only been around for 2 months via text. In the scheme of things, the likelihood that he'll be around for longer is pretty slim.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2014): There has been a lot of anxiety over this guy not texting or calling you back. You more or less have insulted or dismissed every aunt or uncle; who has made any suggestion or given you sound advice.
In my opinion, the guy who has found someone else to take up his time, and he is avoiding you.
You've come up with an answer or excuse to cover yourself and to protect him.
Truth is, you don't know him. You now can't reach him, and he has made no effort whatsoever to reach you.
The aunts and uncles have thoughtfully given you you a lot of our time; and it seems most unappreciated. I guess you will have to find out on your own what he's all about.
For your sake, I do hope all is well.
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reader, CMMP +, writes (8 February 2014):
You apparently didn't get the gist of my answer because your "rebuttal", if you want to call it that, didn't address my point: that you don't know him as well as you think.
I'm not saying you have no reason to be wondering why he hasn't called, either. If my girlfriend went missing for a few days of course I'd be worried. But I would have been dating her in person and would know her a lot better than a girl I'd never met.
And how in the world is saying you have unrealistic expectations sexist? I never said "women always have unrealistic expectations", I said that you do. Plenty of guys do too, it's a case by case thing that has nothing to do with your gender.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Tisha, Yes I had someone call but his voice mail came on.
He only uses his cell phone. The only other phone is his son's phone he told me he uses it as a back up. I left him
a message now that I can text again, but I have no idea what he must be thinking because he is the type of guy that would
go out of his way to get to me. He has done that before and he sent an email telling me everything was okay with him when
he didn't pay his bill until midnight and I worried before when I didn't hear from him for almost 2 days. He couldn't believe how upset I was but he made a little joke out of it.
I hope this can be fixed.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 February 2014):
He sounds extremely fishy to me. He doesn't answer landline calls. He hasn't called your landline to find out how you are.
Did you try having a friend call his number? If not, why not?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you AuntyEm I just found out through my cell phone company that a girl made a mistake with my plan and I couldn't text or receive texts for almost three days. Of course I was angry and I am frustrated and now I have to
undo the damage and it might be too late. He has alternative
ways to reach me, through email and landline phone if he noticed that I wasn't answering him back then he should have
used the alternative way of reaching me. So I will just wait
it out.
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reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 February 2014):
If you left voicemail and a message at his work, he would have recieved one of those messages by now.
He isn't calling for a reason, so what is the logical answer?
A guy you only know by texts and phonecalls, who always lets his phone go to voicemail so you can't inconvieniently call him? A guy you have only known for a few weeks whose family you have never met, whose home you have never been to. A man you love but you won't give him your address?
Why do you think he hasn't called you? What does your gut say?
At this point you have no other choice but to wait and see if he calls you again, in the meantime, try not to let your thoughts run rampant and torture you.
I seriously think there is a high chance he's taken the cowards way out and bolted, but who really knows.
Hold out hope, but not for too long xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd he never answers his phone it always goes to voice mail even when we have gotten disconnected on my landline phone I would call him back and it goes straight to voice mail.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjanniepeg he has wanted me to say it for a while because he would always tell me and I couldn't say it back cause I didn't feel it right away. But I started to believe that he
did.
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (7 February 2014):
Isn't it a coincidence that there is silence right after you said I love you to him? He said he loved you too much. Are you sure he meant it the same way you did? You can't blame women for having expectations. He is the one who promised the future with you. Bob Marley said a man who awakens a woman's love but then disappears is a coward. Or a time waster if he has no intention ever for a real physical relationship. You may be shocked at how men can do this and play with feelings. It is hard to believe but when you are emotionally at a low state you are vulnerable to things like that. When he heard your I love you it must have sounded serious and sincere. That's the time when he realized it went too far and had to stop.
You could even call him from a payphone and see if he answers. If he isn't too far from you go visit him. There is no reason you can't do a surprise visit when you already exchanged the L word. That's the only way to demand the truth. If he lives too far away then the distance becomes the convenient excuse to just disappear. In that case it's good riddance.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 February 2014):
Hi, there was an interesting piece in the New York Times about this today, you should be able to read it here: Romance at Arm’s Length http://nyti.ms/1eYR9Tw
I found a couple of the paragraphs very interesting, I'll copy/paste them here so you may be able to look with fresh eyes about how you have found yourself in this situation:
And among the more pronounced trends I have noticed in recent years is the rise of online-only relationships, a phenomenon I’ve begun to call Soul Mate in a Box.
A Soul Mate in a Box (Smiab, for short) is a person we rarely if ever meet and in some cases never speak to, but to whom we feel closer than anyone else. Maybe the relationship exists through instant messages, or over email, or via Skype, FaceTime and texting. Perhaps Snapchat allows the couple to exchange racy pictures, adding a glimpse of sexuality, if not sex.
….
We’re always searching for new ways of finding love that don’t involve having to feel insecure and vulnerable, because who wants to feel insecure and vulnerable? That’s the worst part of the whole love game, putting oneself out there to be judged and rejected. So when we get the chance to hide — whether through typed messages we can edit and control, or by saying whatever we’d like over Skype without expecting the relationship to ever turn physical — we’re freed from much of that anxiety, and we’re fooled into thinking this may be a better and truer way of having a relationship.
…
When a couple involved in an online-only relationship finally decides to meet in person, their experience often mirrors what happens in “Her” when Theodore tries to have sex with his OS via a human surrogate, but then backs out when the experience feels too weird. Same with real couples. After all that cyberintimacy, being together physically simply doesn’t feel right. The body doesn’t match the sensibility. It’s too hard to square the person to whom they’ve been baring their heart with the one who’s suddenly sitting next to them. Such encounters crash and burn with surprising frequency. But if the couple felt as if they had gotten to know each other so well online, how could that intimacy suddenly drain away?
One explanation: They didn’t actually get to know each other so well. They only got to know what was served up, a two-dimensional collection of images, text and, for some, audio. When the messy parts of us aren’t on display from the beginning of a relationship — when awkwardness and fumbling and being forced to be present without a mouse-click escape hatch all enter the scene — it’s hard to catch up. As good as it felt to be able to create an ideal version of ourselves, it can feel jarringly worse to have that control suddenly yanked away.
….
For many, the urge to seek pleasure through a device rather than through a person who’s in the same room can be a hard habit to break. In this wondrous world of the Internet, we often find the object that’s far away to be more enticing than the one that’s nearby.
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I expect that you were a great diversion for him but his Real Life (possibly his wife?) has reclaimed his time and energy. You've reached out to him in several ways and he hasn't returned the courtesy.
I would proceed on the assumption that he just didn't want to deal with ending it with grace, so he bailed.
Please be careful in the future not to be so cautious that you don't actually meet the man you are exchanging intimate conversations with before deciding he's a boyfriend or more than he actually is. In other words, try to meet men the old-fashioned way, by actually going out, doing things you enjoy and meeting the real deal, breathing the same air you are.
If the problem is that you feel so cautious because you are fearful of their pasts, do a background check on him. You may find that your man is actually not separated from his wife and is in fact, cheating on her via this cyber-romance.
Sorry you were hurt in this way, I really hope that you avoid the pitfalls of this type of cyber-relationship the next time! Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor CMMP I am not overreacting. He is my boyfriend and he told me I have a right to know where he is. It doesn't matter if we have never met, we were still getting to know each other and everything was great with us, he was going to come up to see me this Spring. What would you think if you had a girlfriend you were crazy about and you didn't hear from her for days when everything was going great in your relationship? Why is it that guys always say that the woman in the relationship has unrealistic expectations? Men do also. I can't help the way I feel for him and he couldn't help the way he felt about me. And yes I am grieving for my pet and that has nothing to do with him. I am not linking the two together. And as for me saying I wanted to take things slow I didn't fall for him right away, I didn't even think he was my type. But I gave him a chance to get to know me and I wanted to get to know him. He told me I was a wonderful woman and I was wife material. Some of the people on here act like it's a bad thing for a person to say what they feel for someone, if you thought that every person on the planet is bad you will never meet anyone. I have been cautious and I still am, I never gave the guy my address. But for a lot of people online it is safer to talk on the phone and text first before a date which we were planning. If I don't hear from him I have to move forward but I will not be looking for someone elsebecause I still have feelings for him. The remarks about women in your answer (unrealistic expectations) is a bit sexist. And I could say the same about men that all they do is think with there p....s and are after sex but do I really believe that? I bet you would say yes. Whatever I had with this guy it was real for the moment...No I don't.
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reader, AuntyEm +, writes (7 February 2014):
Get one of your friends to call his number and see if he answers. If he picks up and is normal, but doesn't pick up when you call him then it's clear he doesnt want to keep in touch.
I did this for my friend who was texting and calling a guy for months ( he was a very old school friend who she found on FB). He was all full of 'I love you's' and told her a whole bunch of stuff and then it was like he fell off the planet...everything just stopped. He'd told her he was having an operation which made her worry even more. They had only met up once and it was after this meeting that he vanished. I was at her house and she tried to call him and the phone rang and rang. I phoned him from my number (which he didn't know) and what do you know!! He picked up straight away. She tried again from her phone and...nothing.
He just didnt want to speak to her again so he just dropped her...painful but it was the truth. Everything he had said was just 'air'.
It's only been 4 days since you heard from him, give it a little more time and like i said before, if you dont hear anything, he's probably dropped you and walked away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2014): Firstly, I am terribly sorry about the loss of your pet. That is an awful thing to go through. I hope you have family or other friends that you can lean on in lieu of this man you've never met.I also hope you will take this time to reassess your situation. What do you really know about this man? Have you Skyped with him, or has he sent you videos that could verify he looks like what he says he does? Have you sent each other things in the mail, which could help confirm his address? If all you have is a couple pictures and a phone number, you really need to back off your attachment to him.Have you tried doing a background check on him, like using Google? Put in his name and see what comes up. Add in his city, or his workplace, and you may get more specific answers. If you have pictures of him, you can reverse search those as well. I talked to a woman online for three weeks, did an image search with the pictures of her I had, and found they belonged to a woman who lives in Brazil...her whole story came apart pretty quickly once I looked at it objectively with a critical eye for detail. I never found out who she really was, if it even was a she, but I do know almost everything that person told me was a lie.You said he told you where he works...have you talked to anybody at his work before now? You can probably confirm he works there without him even knowing. If he has e-mailed you, you can get his IP address from that and confirm he lives in the city he claims he does. Use the Internet to confirm as much about him as possible. I would suggest doing this even if you had met him in person, but this is especially true of somebody you've not even met.At this point, there's no way for any of us to know what's going on. I would suggest stop trying to contact him, other than calling his work to confirm his employment, and wait to see if he contacts you again. Do your research on him in the mean time.Again, I hope that you have family or friends you can lean on for support during this time. Best of luck.
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reader, CMMP +, writes (7 February 2014):
I thought you said you wanted to take things slower? Falling in love with someone you've never met and only known two months isn't taking things slow.
To each his/her own, but I say this because I think you're overreacting. At this point you don't know this guy as well as you think you do. You know what he tells you. He's painted a picture for you and you fell in love with it. Him not contacting you for a couple of days isn't uncharacteristic for him because you really don't know his character.
I think a lot of this is brought on by unrealistic expectations and your pet's passing away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2014): You are definitely using the word "love" out of context in this situation.
You have never met this man, and you cannot fall in-love over the phone. You are infatuated through a connection by phone. You are addicted to phone and message communication; but you are far from in-love.
You are up at very odd hours. Are you yourself employed? You are a mature woman over forty, and rely too heavily on this man's phone communication. You have anxiety over not hearing from him. I want you to really think about this, and consider if this is an appropriate reaction for someone you've never met in-person?
I would speculate that you met him online. Being a very lonely person; you formed this relationship out of a powerful need to connect with someone. You sound like a very caring and giving woman. That's what makes me so concerned for you. It makes you an easy target.
I hope I'm totally wrong. You may have more savvy than I'm giving your credit for. Saying you're in-love without meeting him first, quickly rules that out.
It is not healthy to fall in-love with people over the phone. In fact, that isn't possible. You know nothing about this man, except what he has told you. You have no verifiable information, and you are far too trusting of a stranger you've never even met. This makes you too vulnerable to scams and predators of all sorts.
First off, stop all this worry over a complete stranger. Until you've met and confirm more information about his identity, he is a stranger.
It's good he isn't calling; because you really need a large dose of reality. You also need to ease feeding your addiction to his messages and calls. It's okay for teenage girls to fall for guys over the phone, not fully adult women. Now you can come down off of cloud nine; and reassess this situation from a more rational and mature point of view.
I don't mean to seem mean or insensitive. I am very much concerned about your safety. You have allowed your feelings to get far too intense for a man you've never met.
That would allow someone of unsavory character to do you harm. Online scams and risky liaisons are set-up with mature women all the time, and people may end up getting hurt.
No one is aware of who you are communicating with; so these guys can do you harm without a trace of who they are, or where they came from. There may be no real description; because no one has ever seen him. Unless you Skype, you've probably never seen him; except for a "probable" picture above a profile. That may be totally fictitious for all you know.
For your sake, I hope he is as nice as you think he is.
However; I hope you will think more like an adult and handle this situation rationally, and with more skepticism.
Until you know exactly who and what type of man you are dealing with; control your feelings. Stay weary of anonymous or unseen strangers; until everyone has been properly introduced in-person, and there has been time to confirm this is all on the up and up. Until then, your safety could be at risk.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am already feeling bad and I am just trying to get some answers, I mention that we speak in the morning as well.
We have talked for hours.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is divorced and he shares custody of his children with his ex-wife. His ex-wife cheated on him so he is not with her anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo I know where he works and he told me recently a few things about where he went to school and everything. I left a message at his workplace.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2014): So you have been in a relationship with a guy you have never met? Who you mostly only communicate with late at night while he is at "work"?
Do you know where he works? If you are his girlfriend and he loves you I am sure he has told you where he works, so call his job.
If, however, you don't even know where he works, I suspect this guy might be playing you for a fool. Chances are he is married and his wife found the texts/calls and that is why he is avoiding you.
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reader, AuntyEm +, writes (7 February 2014):
If you never met him or don't know where he lives or works or you cannot get to him, there isn't anything you can do but wait.
There are many possibilities why he hasn't been in touch and sadly none of them are good.
You have built a relationship on his words alone, there is so much of the big picture missing that you haven't seen for yourself and when this sort of thing happens it leaves you out on a limb.
For someone to be so attentive and romantically vocal so early in a connection with another person, is a very intoxicating thing, but the reality is that you really know nothing about him and he could be stringing you along.
I am sorry to say that and it seems hard to comprehend why people do that, but it's often just for the thrill and attention they get from it.
Keep trying to contact him but try to keep calm. Things may resolve, he could have just lost his phone/your number. Do a background search online and see if there is another way you can make contact. That's about all you can do.
Good luck xx
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