A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok I'll try and keep this short as I don't want to bore anyone! Basically I have been in a lesbian relationship for around a year now with a woman who I love very dearly. She is my first true love and I can't believe how lucky I am to have found someone like her. She says that she feels the same about me.The only problem that I have been having is trying to forget and get over her past relationships. When we first met up she said that she had very very recently broken up with her boyfriend. She says that the relationship was far from perfect and now she is finally happy after spending so long unhappy. I just cannot get over the mental images and tormenting thoughts of this past relationship she was in. She was with this bloke for 7 years, although they did break up briefly a couple of times during these years. I just can't help but be severely unsettled by this relationship for some reason, I realise that it may not be entirely rational. I can't stop thinking about their sex life and the fact that she obviously loved him at some point and was almost certainly thinking of having a family and children with him. I just don't understand how she felt that way about him and then professes to feel so much for me. I just don't believe what she says for some reason.The other thing is that after we first met up she was most likely still sleeping with him, but we weren't together at this point so I really have no right to be angry by this at all. There was a two week period from when we first met to when we got together properly and I can't stop thinking about the fact that she was probably sleeping with him at this point despite the fact that she said she hasn't been in love with him for a long time. She has very very little/no contact with him now. Basically I just can't stop thinking about it and it really is driving me completely mental. If anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated, even if it is just to tell me to grow up! Thanks.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (7 February 2014):
 If you can't "get over" this woman's past (relationship), then your's and her's relationship is doomed....
Allowing someone (her ex-) to dominate your thinking is like giving them free rent in your brain. Do you want to extend that (free rent) to this guy from her past?
Good luck......
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (7 February 2014):
“Basically I just can't stop thinking about it and it really is driving me completely mental.”
If what you said there is true, then this is not true… “I can't believe how lucky I am to have found someone like her.” There is no way you can be in love with someone and be disturbed by their past. You either love what you have now and what future you have together, or you hang on to their past and destroy your future together. Loving is very easy to do, we are the ones who make love complicated by adding insecurities, jealousy, and other love crushing things.
Just love what you have now and leave the past where it was…in the past.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (7 February 2014):
 Hey there.
I can see where you're coming from. My gf had never been with a woman before me, therefore has had some serious relationships with men in the past. The most serious relationship she ever had before ours was with the guy she was with before we got together. They had been broken up for two years before we got together, but she was still madly in love with him for a while after they broke up - she thought she was going to marry him. But life intervened.
Point being that your girl might have a past. But that past doesn't matter anymore. who cares if she spent seven years with the guy? Who cares if my gf wanted to marry this guy before we got together? It means nothing in the here and now. They love us in the present. and that's the thing to focus on. That's what matters.
Her love for you doesn't diminish just because she used to love someone else. You've probably loved others, as well. Does it change how you feel your gf? Does it make your love any less strong? Of course not.
Her ex was her past. You are her present and future. And if she's your age, her ex was also from a time when she was very young. She's not the same person now as she was back then. Keep that in mind. He's an ex for a reason. And it's good they have very minimal contact. Clearly she's well over that situation.
It doesn't help that her ex is a male, does it? Does it make you a bit uneasy? I've felt that way before. I can't place my finger on why exactly, but it does. But don't worry about that. As I mentioned, she loves YOU.
Try to remind yourself that this is in your head. She loves you and is committed to you now. He has nothing to do with your beautiful, happy relationship. Everyone has a past. try not to let hers interfere with something so great between the two of you.
You guys sound like a wonderful couple. Enjoy each other. :) best of luck. Feel free to inbox me if you have anything else you want to say.
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