A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I am hurting at the moment. My boyfriend has broken my trust and has done the worst thing anyone could ever do to me. I though he was a good guy. I told him about my past sexual abuse by father and he told his family about it. I can belive he did. he told me that he did it. he says he is really sorry and that it was a mistake, he said he needed soemone to talk to about it but why would he tell his mum, dad, and two sisters and he told a close friend as well?! he tells me that he loves me and cant bear to be away from me but i dont think i can ever forgive him for this. I will never be able to face his family now anyway. what should i do? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): He probably doesn't begin to understand what happened to you, and won't for a long time, if he works at it, and is honest and faithful and dedicated to you, he will eventually achieve it.
It is unfortunately the nature of things for those of us who have not been abused. I'm a lot older and a medical professional and I still have to work to understand what it means to have this done to you (not having anything remotely to compare it to in my own life).
On a personal not, my wife was sexually abused, raped, and had a traumatic adolescent and young adulthood. The full extent of which she still hasn't told anyone, and almost all of which she couldn't bear to tell anyone for many years. She is struggling to understand all that 30 years later, and I work very hard to understand it as well as it comes out. I haven't made the mistake he made, but I'm a lot older, and I'm not that close to my siblings or parents to share this type of issue.
You and your boyfriend are young, work at it. I'd suggest this for him to read, it may help you as well. I've read it and it helps to understand.
Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma
I would add, best wishes, good luck, there is life out there after this type of trauma. My wife is happier now than at any other time in her life despite having to work on this issue after many years of hiding it all. Telling people and sharing the pain has helped her a lot, she tried to keep it all hidden because of the shame for so many years.
You are not alone...don't be alone...
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 November 2010):
Also at the risk of seeming like a jerk, I have to agree with the post below.
A few years ago, a friend of mine told me she had been raped. She made me promise not to tell anyone. The problem is that the burden of carrying something like that is huge. I didn't tell anyone. I was able to convince her to talk about it with a professionally, and it worked. But whilst I understand you are very upset, you do need to understand that what you told your boyfriend was huge, and he needed support from others to help him know he was doing the right thing. Something like this is a big thing to handle, and no one person can truly handle it by themselves.
So, ultimately it's up to you. If you love him, then this is something that can be worked on. He certainly wants to work on it with you. Him telling his family in many ways proves how much he cares. It would have been more worrying if he'd just brushed it aside and said nothing. However, if you believe that his betrayal was such that you need to end it, then end it and move on. But, when you do meet someone, you need to understand that they will probably have to do the same thing, because they themselves will need support.
Being abused is awful. I've seen the effects. But being the person trusted with that secret can also be just as awful. Please bear that in mind when you make your decision.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (9 November 2010):
 I understand that he broke your trust but at the risk of seeming like a complete jerk, I can also understand why he had to tell someone. It was not just the 'thrill' of carrying a secret, it was the fact that he needed to know he was sane in accepting something like this. I suppose he needed the opinions or reactions of his family and a trusted friend. I know that such a thing still does not somehow give him the right to spread the word of something like this. I understand how you felt comfortable enough to tell him something like this and I realize how distraught you must feel but I need to say that you need not fear his family. If anything, in a way, him trusting his family may make it safe for you to be around them, they will know what you have been through and if they are decent people, they will know how to make you comfortable around them, they will be less likely to offend you.
Forgiving him may be hard or even impossible but you have to try at least because he does seem to love you and I suspect that he told such things out of love, not some perverse need to hurt you in some way.
You can leave him but, what did you have in this relationship anyway? How long have you been together? You must have been with him for more than a couple of months to be able to tell him such a secret. If you felt deeply about one another, is that not worth trying to save?
I am sorry if I offend you in some way, I was merely voicing my opinion.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, Carrie40 +, writes (9 November 2010):
Hi
I am so sorry for your past.
Your boyfriend obviously cares about you and what happened to you and it can be a shock I guess for him to find such a horrific thing has happened to the person he cares about.
His family would have no reason to have any opinion on you as a person - you did nothing wrong-you were a victim of abuse it has no reflection on who you are today. He told people he trusts with your secret.
I know how you feel as I myself was abused by my father and I don't usually tell a boyfriend until I have been with them for some time. I used to think how could a man want to touch my body after such a disgusting thing has happened to it during childhood but that is not the case.
Do not let it worry you what the family think - I am sure they wont look at you any differently.
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A
female
reader, Viv Acious +, writes (9 November 2010):
Hello. Sorry to hear that you are hurting and sorry that you feel betrayed by your boyfriend and so very sorry for your father's appalling treatment of you.
Sexual abuse by a parent can leave so many emotional scars. One of them is a sense of shame. I am sure your boyfriend's motives were not intended to cause you further injury. It just seems he lacked any form of mature judgement, i.e, he wasn't perhaps aware of the depth of feeling and pain surrounding such a sensitive issue.
However, I don't know how old your boyfriend is. It may be that he has no experience or knowledge of how to deal with someone from an abusive background and turned to those HE trusts for guidance. From his perspective, he may have felt out of his depth on what this means to you as a person, to him as your boyfriend and to the pair of you as a couple.
And speaking of help, have you had any kind of counselling? If not, then it may be time to actually speak to someone and start to tackle those demons of shame and betrayal once and for all.
Yes, your boyfriend's actions have deeply upset you but, I would ask you, was that his intention? Did he purposefully go to his parents, etc with the intent of causing you emotional pain? The fact is, he just didn't realise it would. He is guilty of ignorance.
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